Creepy neighbour 2

[Mooshamoo]

I posted here a couple of weeks ago. I bought a house six months ago in a medium town in Ireland. Two middle aged men live next to me.

I posted here that I was on holiday last week, and these men got my estate agent to ring me to see where I was. They are friends with my local estate agent.

They said they were worried about me. This creeped me out as I instantly got the feeling that they werent worried about me, they just wanted to know where I was. I felt it was very intrusive and over the top.

If there was a young woman living alone next to me and I hadn't seen her for a week,I wouldn't dream of getting an estate agent to ring her. It is totally creepy.

Now I am back in my house, my neighbours are creeping me out more. Many times that I go into my front garden, the men come out and stare at me.

For example I went out to cut my front lawn.
I was cutting my front lawn, and the man next door came out into his front garden, and just stared at me the whole time.

Then this morning I went out to pick up a delivery. Next door , he was walking out of his front garden. But when he saw me come into my garden, he stopped walking, just stood there and stayed in his garden and stared at me until I went back in. They never say a word. Just stare.

What do I do. I'm starting to feel really upset in this house. I wanted to have a nice private house. Now I'm starting to feel uncomfortable every time I go out.

It's a bit weird that there are so many references to the location on this thread. This happens everywhere, in big cities and small villages and everything in between. There are odd people everywhere. The most creeped out and intimidated I've felt is within a city in England, that doesn't mean that England is full of creeps.

I spent the last five years living in Spain and the UK. I never spoke to or saw my neighbours in either country. It was totally anonymous. In Spain . I
lived in an apartment block. Never saw or even thought about the neighbours.
This jumped out at me as being significant. You are absolutely allowed to keep yourself to yourself, but I think this is unusual- I've never not known my neighbours, wherever I've lived, I've made sure to introduce myself and if new people move in, I make sure I say hello and say that I'm around should they ever need anything. Not saying this is the right way, but I do wonder if your isolation from your community has people a bit confused and concerned that you're okay.

I think it's more that she's not used to that kind of thing with neighbours.
Some people are more reserved and don't know their neighbours or they recognise them but they don't speak to one another.
And yes, this happens everywhere; there are variations from not speaking to your neighbours to knowing your whole community.

@Maggit you said
"I've never not known my neighbours, wherever I've lived, I've made sure to introduce myself and if new people move in, I make sure I say hello and say that I'm around should they ever need anything."

That's nice that you do that.

But I think when you live in an apartment block it is quite common for people to keep to themselves..When I lived in the apartment block in Spain, it had three floors, with only one flat on each floor. I had the flat on the top floor.

So I guess the people on the two lower floors were my neighbours, but we weren't beside each other. So we never saw each other.

I've lived in a good few different apartment blocks and people usually keep to themselves.

I think that kind of lifestyle suits me better. Anyway I'll just get on with it while I'm here.

This would freak me out too.

I would start documenting it. A diary and a ring type doorbell.

I would also take more control of the situation and start asking them what they are doing.

I'd also make sure that I had a really secure home with an alarm system. Which is a good thing to do anyway when you live by yourself.

If it continues I would quite quickly speak with the police.

@reallyworriedjobhunter you might want to RTFT. The OP has now admitted to not liking older men & thinking they are all creeps & perverts. She's prejudiced & paranoid... if her neighbours were black or Asian would you suggest calling the police on the OPs hearsay? I doubt it

@RockinHorseShit
Wow you are nasty and agressive. I'm not afraid of every old man. I Have worked with some lovely older men.
However I AM scared of the creepy older men that harass me. Which I think most women are.

For example. When I was a teenager I lived on a country road in ireland.

Many of my elderly neighbours (male and female) were nice.

However one of my elderly male neighbours was a creep. If I went for a walk down the country road, he would get in his car and follow me in his car every time.
He would drive up to me and stop on the narrow country road and stop his car, and try to get me into his car. I was scared of him.
My parents had to get him to stop.

Similarly where I live now, the men next door are creepy. They come out and stare at me if I do anything. They get people to ring me if I go away.
When I was mowing my front lawn, one of the men came out into his tiny front yard, and just stood and stared at me for an hour. He totally just stood there and gawped.

He also got my estate agent to ring me to see where I was, when I went away for a few days.

Telling women that they have to be friendly to older men that scare and intimidate them, is totally weird.

Telling women that they should be friends with older men that are harassing them, is kind of shocking.

She didn’t say she thinks ‘all older men are creeps and perverts’ though.

She says she is nervous of older men I can understand why. Society teaches people to be respectful of older people, which often means that when an older man is inappropriate with a woman, she is unsure how to react, because society has taught her moderate her actions due to his age.

Definitely speak to the estate agent. For a start you must put in a complaint re sharing your personal information, beach of GDPR. And then say that given they are so friendly with your neighbors could they ask them to kindly stop making you feel so uncomfortable.

This is the way to go. Shows you are confident, takes control of the situation. Try it.

I think you have to trust your gut and if you feel that they are being creepy, then they probably are!

All I would say is, with what's been in the news lately, about women dying and being left in their flats for up to two years, perhaps they genuinely were concerned for your welfare when they hadn't seen or heard you for a few days?

Perhaps call the estate agent back and ask him about them? Express your concerns, say you feel intimidated and ask why the previous owners left, if he's the older mens friend, perhaps he'll tell them.

I agree with previous posters, in that you do need to take control back and start a conversation with them - maybe say the estate agent called you, thank them for their concern and take it from there?

Your mind is doing overtime trying to work out their story, perhaps it's better to confront your fears. The staring and not speaking is definitely not acceptable.

Have you spoken to them at all when they’ve stared before? A simple “are you alright there?” Or “can I help you?” might be enough to get them to realise they’re staring (if that’s not entirely their intention). Agree with others about getting cctv though - it might give you a little peace of mind and hopefully act as a deterrent to them. Honestly confused about why your estate agent felt it was appropriate to go ahead and contact you just because of neighbours concern. If it happens again or you get the opportunity to speak with the estate agent again I would stress that you don’t want the neighbours knowing any of your business and if they express concern to him again, then he should tell them that he’s sure you’re fine and its not appropriate for him to get involved.

However I AM scared of the creepy older men that harass me. You yourself have said previously said that you have never spoken to them and don't intend to do so. What is your definition of harassment? How do you know they are of sound mind? You keep bringing up small Ireland, maybe it just isn't the place for you and it seems to be driving you to a very negative place. I'd advise you to move onwards and 'upwards'.

Screaming "Fuck off!" at full volume works with some staring men...

I do think some older men find a younger single woman fair game.

A few observations here. I agree about the poster around people who haven’t lived in smaller towns etc not being used to the level of nosiness. I for one am shocked at how many single elderly brothers there are living together for a start!
Secondly, I like you am used to living in flats and here in London I hardly ever get to know my neighbours even at a hi or bye level. I lived in my last flat for 3 years and saw my neighbour (old lady) three times in total. The flat I am in now. My neighbours are someone who is housebound (nurses entering all day) and someone else I have never seen other than the day we moved in nearly a year ago. I am shocked at how that flat is always empty tbh.
Sounds like where you are if I saw the same neighbours all the time I would say a hi and bye. More than that only if they said more first. Being a single woman I would be weary of single elderly brothers. I mean gut instincts are right in my experience. Sounds like they need women in their lives sorry to say but had to say it. Many creepy men cannot cope with not getting any. They must be intrigued by you at the very least. You can tell when someone is harmless. Better be safe than sorry get the cctv, dog etc or move.

II’ve read through this and your first post. I’m sorry OP but you sound as odd as a bag of frogs.

Also the way I’m which you have used “ in Ireland” in every post is very weird.

Their behaviour isn’t ok. Sorry this is happening to you and sorry people are giving you a hard time on this thread. People should know full well that men scare and intimidate women by staring like this. It’s exactly what “creepy” means. Standing there staring at a young woman living alone isn’t being friendly or harmless. It’s rude at the very least, intimidating, and can be threatening. Any woman who hasn’t experienced this and therefore doesn’t understand it is very lucky.

There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling scared and upset. And you don’t owe them politeness or friendship.

All of you saying things like she’s the weird one- I hope you’d be a bit more understanding if it was happening to your own daughter.

How very odd your neighbours are op.
Im not going to suggest you be friends with them or chatty but I think Id make a point of saying Hello and a cheery wave. Or "lovely weather today" etc. - partly because it would force them to either be polite back....... or just continue weirdly staring. Onwards from that Id just ask them "So........ it seems like you stare at me a lot. Im interested to know why?" - their response would dictate my next move.

I’m from Ireland and they sound sooo familiar - no malice - just nosey as fuck and probably über fascinated at a lone independent woman. Big cheery “howya” and be ready to chat - that should sort it. For God’s sake perish the thought of moving out or anything like that - these guys will be your best security guards when you’re next away!

Have you thought about telling the real estate agent that his buddies are intrusive and creeping you out? (That you are accustomed to living independently and wish to remain so…)

“He also got my estate agent to ring me to see where I was”. Did they tell them?
I’d be more annoyed with the estate agent and ask what their data protection guidelines are.

Don’t get a dog, don’t see the point of that at all - especially as you work all day.

I’d be another in the camp of turning around and waving and saying loudly ‘morning, all ok?’.

I have a neighbour who stares, either out the windows or blatantly at the front/back door or if I’m on my balcony. We no longer speak because I lost my shit one day after being asked why I was sweeping up in my own garden and then being asked not to as there might be glass - wtf. He would run up to the bedroom and stare at me, then back down to the lawn. He can’t see me properly through his conifers, so gets agitated. I’ve been hosed, our washing has been soaked etc…. We don’t take it further as we want to move one day, but you could. Either through the council, estate agent or police.

Practically, you have two workable options.

Sell up and move.

Act nicey nicey - that doesn't mean BE friends with them!

That means when you see them gawping you wave 'morning/afternoon/evening' or 'lovely day' or some other inane claptrap.

Big smile, cheery wave etc.

There is nothing in that for gossip mongering. No one, not even in the smallest half a horse town anywhere can make something of:

'Our neighbour says hello cheerfully when we spot her out and about.'

Have a pint in the pub occasionally, go in the local shops, smile and wave.. you can THINK anything you like, you don't have to pop round to theirs for tea or invite them to yours for anything at all.

Just show your face occasionally, be pleasant and bland, the novelty that is you will wear off in a matter of days.

However - carry on glaring, not saying goodmorning, scuttling about secretively, and the bush telegraph will have you up to all sorts of scandalous affairs before Friday.

Currently you're behaving unusually and thats giving them something to stare at and talk about.

It might not be right, it might not be what you want, it might not be how it was when you lived somewhere else, but it almost certainly is how it is where you live now and either you play the game or move somewhere else. If you start kicking off, you'll only make matters worse and whilst I agree that shouldn't be how it is... they've been there a long time, they will not be going anywhere, you won't change them.

Hi @Mooshamoo — I remember your other thread. You mostly got responses that said your neighbors were probably just concerned about you. And people said you were being over-dramatic. They weren’t very sympathetic.
I haven’t voted either time and this is the first time I’ve commented — could they just be busy bodies? Small town, nothing to do, so they’re snooping on you, but relatively harmless?
Next time you’re out front and they’ve come out, could you simply tell them they’re making you feel very uncomfortable and/or unwelcome in your own home? I don’t know how brave you are, but calling people out on their behaviour is usually the best way to stop it — it embarrasses them because they don’t expect you to say anything.
I’m truly sorry this is going on — you don’t deserve any of it.
If they don’t stop the intimidation, do you have a strapping male friend who can intimidate them back? The only other option is the police, and I’m afraid “they’re looking at me,” isn’t going to get much of a reaction from them — regardless if it’s creepy or not. I wish I could be of more help.
Good luck.🍀

I think I’d do two things:

1. ring the real estate agent back and ask them not to divulge personal information or pass messages on.
2. if you catch them staring stop what you are doing and stare back for a few seconds before asking them if they need help.

Get a ring doorbell if you truly feel you need it.