Happy I won’t see these Mum’s again

[Cherrysherbet]

My DD left primary today.

The Mum’s from her class are so far up their own arses. I’m quite clearly not their kind of person.

I have been in multiple situations where they will literally turn their back on me to cut me out of a conversation.

I am friendly to everyone, and don’t have this sort of problem in any other part of my life.

They don’t say rude things to me, but their body language makes it clear that I’m not worth including in conversations.

Why do grown women behave like this?

I’ve hated going there the last couple of years. I really hate the fact that it has bothered me so much. I’m 48 ffs!

Even today at the leavers assembly, they asked me to move seats, and when I moved up, the woman turned her back, so I wasn’t able to speak to anyone! I have never been that close to saying something! I moved right over the other side of the room. Sick of being treated like that.

I am so happy that I’m not tied to having to go there now.
I came home and deleted myself from the class what’s app straight away! Yessss!!

AIBU to ask all primary school Mum’s who are going back in September to be thoughtful about how their actions make others feel?

We teach our kids to be kind and include others, so why do we often get this kind of mentality with the Mum’s? I’ve seen lots of similar post on here before, so I’m sure I’m not the only one who has experienced it.

I had the same experience. I was 48 years old too when DS was in Yr 4 and no issues in any other area of my life. I’d known these women since nursery. I only spoke with 2 mums and only on smiling terms with a couple others. I purposely didn’t allow my DS to go to secondary school with the majority of his school cohort. So happy he’s thriving at an excellent Secondary school at 13 years old. Well rid of such strange individuals.

I am glad too, my child going entirely different secondary school non of the primary class mates going

So I'm the kind of mum who's late, running up the drive with toast hanging out of my kids mouths.. I'll never forget the leader of the gossip gate gang (also volunteers in our DC class) saying to me on one of the rare occasions I did the pick up.. " I'm x mum (had no idea who x was) your Y's mum aren't you? " ME.. aw yes (pretends to know who x is)

She then goes onto say " don't worry I sorted your DC hair for school pictures today, I'm guessing you were rushing again this morning and forgot picture day (I obviously did), sarcastic smirk in my direction...

TWAT

Same here. They all quickly formed their groups in the first week, and just walked straight past me and pretended they didn't see me for the past 8 years. Their kids also excluded my kid, from day one. But my other kid's class mums and kids are both much more friendly. Are we invisible mums all similar types? Would be interested to find out.

These sort of mothers have nothing better to do with their lives. Leave them to continue trying to one up each other.

I encountered something similar, but put it down to the fact that I was a father, not a mother and they preferred female company.

Would you rather have had your kid looking dishevelled in their school
photos, if she was that mean surely she would have left your kid’s hair alone? Maybe the ‘sarcastic smirk’ was embarrassment that she needed to do that.

OP if these women you have encountered really were being purposefully mean then you will have the last laugh as their lives will have a gaping how that was the school gate.

Just pick up, go. Play on your phone if some are talking to each other. I just do not understand this at all. I couldn’t care less about other parents at school, in fact most of them annoy me as they get in my way divvering about or driving like dicks. I pay them as much attention as I do fellow shoppers in tesco.

I'm a bit conflicted by this.

I have a few friends I might chat to at the school gate if I see them. Stand on my own if I don't. I'd never go up to random mums I don't know and expect them to just include me in a conversation - that would be kind of odd.

I had similar in DDs primary school, the PTA mums were horrific. I joined them, they made a big deal out of inviting me out for breakfast with them, I was so happy that I felt I was finally making mum friends in our new area.

I got to breakfast, no one was there. I waited for over an hour and no one turned up. I was blanked from them after that, except when they were short handed for PTA events.

I was really relieved when DD moved up to upper school.

My dd is only 4 and already has the confidence to gravitate towards any kid she wants to and play and be kind to them. I am quite sure I'll have zero influence on who she chooses to be her friends and nor would I want to. That's what school is all about. It's their turn to navigate friendships and learn social skills. It's very selfish and unhelpful parenting for parents to make it about themselves be that by being bitchy to other mums or being sulky to other mums. I really don't get it. I will strike a friendly chat with anyone and if I'm snubbed I don't cry about it I find someone else to talk to. Do we not remember that our kids are watching and learning about empathy, social etiquette and resilience???

@Nahimjustaworm great pair.

I think these people think they’re superior parents but I’m not sure it’s a great example to set by putting NO effort in with a random bunch of mums but expecting friendship and inclusion back. Unless you wanna end up with a shy, entitled child.

Great pair? Great post!

although I’m sure you do have a great pair 😉 🍐

Oh I assure you it was not, it was 100%
The area it's in is hyper fake posh, they're all smiles to each other but vile about the most stupid things behind backs.
They didn't for instance like it when the school hired a teacher who they felt didn't fit in with the schools CofE remit.
I recall another instance where they were comparing Sats results, after a meeting earlier in the year about them when they were all trying to one up over who had the best tutor planned.
I kept out of it but DD had done really well, with one of the highest passes (teacher had phoned me to let me know).
I'm not a competition parent so was ignoring them when one sneering turned to me and asked what DD. I said DD did fine thank you.

"Oh yes but you can't afford a tutor, did they get near the pass grade?"
That made my skin crawl as they felt DD would be thick because we aren't earning daft sums.
In the end I told them what DD got and the lead one who assumed she failed had a look of horror on her face, started on about how was that possible without a tutor and my attitude towards tests being pretty relaxed. One of the others asked was I sure that was the score.

Honestly, they were utter bitches.

I find all of this really bizarre, as a parent who rarely does the school run. When I occasionally pick them up I just stand around the back until my kids come out, it wouldn't occur to me to speak to anyone, unless it was someone I knew.

I do know one person who said something similar about the parents at my kid's school, and from observation it seemed to me that the parents she was talking about are all friends outside of the school run. So I think it was more about her misinterpreting the situation than anything else.

I do think the whole thing smacks of misogyny - the "mean girls", "cliques" and "bitches" phrases being thrown around; the idea that women should be open to smiling at strangers and/or making small talk whether they want to or not; that if they don't THEY'RE the ones at fault, not the people expecting them to do it, because after all, women are only there to be of service to other people, right? 🙄

@minuette1 her hair was fine, swept back in a ponytail. If it was done out of kindness I would have been grateful, it wasn't it was done to belittle me in front of her gang

I do think the whole thing smacks of misogyny - the "mean girls", "cliques" and "bitches" phrases being thrown around; the idea that women should be open to smiling at strangers and/or making small talk whether they want to or not; that if they don't THEY'RE the ones at fault, not the people expecting them to do it, because after all, women are only there to be of service to other people, right?!

Exactly!! Women aren’t complex humans with emotions and concerns of their own, they’re just smiling robots who say “good morning” because the most important thing is validating other people’s feelings.

Never underestimate the power of internalises misogyny

If she was saying it in her capacity as a classroom helper as well, that’s not ok. Why even mention it to you?!

I’d have said “Oh good I thought you could use a challenge i’m so pleased you rose to the occasion” 😂

would you call yourself selfish, and uncaring about other people?

Yep, and so insidious that even if we fight it we just become those "mean girls" being talked about who don't smile serviceably on command.

I'm just gonna stick to messing with my phone by the guys at the back!

My boy, my youngest, finished primary this week. Being a working mum I do the drop off and run. At the other end of the day it's always been childminders or after school clubs. As a result of this I have been roundly shunned by the other mums in both my daughter and sons classes. Never been invited on a mums night out, nor any other conversation. I have a very few on Facebook, they all have kids in an older year and had already formed their clique. They meet up, do family bbqs etc, but i/my family were never invited as we weren't part of the already established gang. I get that. I don't hold it against them.

I'm not in a class WhatsApp group. That means one of two things. There never was one, or I was never invited.

Too late to worry now! Never have to darken those doors again. So I made it through 11? years of them both being at that school without making a single "mum friend". What does that say about me?

Surely it is more a case of they know each other and despite it being bad manners in a social etiquette guide, turning to talk to someone you know in an assembly context is not outrageously mean! Surely, they are trying to be polite to their friend?

I volunteered to help at the school leavers disco as the PTA didn't havve enough people. I never ever do stuff like this as in the day time I'm too busy with work but this was an evening thing. As a result I don't know the main PTA leader types, they tend to have jobs like 'Artist' so they are available more to help on day time stuff and go for coffees to plan things as they have that time free or can be flexible. I include the husbands in this. In fact there are quite a few parents who are in their 50's and are semi retired so can devote time to helping the school. Anyway, I had to run the snack and drinks stand at the disco and as they know each other they pretty much chatted the whole time and I didn't have one break in a very hot room. They were nice enough people but they got carried away in their moment together. I didn't take it as a slight to me as I honestly don't care, I wasn't there to make friends, if that had been the case I would have done stuff way before the leavers disco! I have good friends who are the parents of DDs friends- we go to the pub and each others homes for a few drinks and socialising but recently one of the Mum's has got it in her head that everyone is leaving her DD out, it is simply not the case but her daughter has issues she won't address and tends to remove herself. As a result she was frosty to us and didn't sit with us in the leavers assembly but it is a narrative that is not true and she chooses to be detached but then accuses people of leaving her out so when I read things like this I do wonder what the other side of the story is.

would you call yourself selfish, and uncaring about other people?

No, far from it, but I bet the same people who use phrases about grown women like "mean girls" probably would, hahaha! It's not selfish to not be open to conversations with randoms 24/7, and it isn't uncaring to not include a total stranger when I'm having a conversation with a friend. If I was talking to my friend I probably wouldn't even notice them there.

And I think it's quite sexist to make a fuss over that, if someone wouldn't make the same fuss over a man doing it.

Is your child happy about that

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet hahah yes I wish I had of been better with my response.

Same experience here too, only mine started as friends but when I struggled with mental health dye to chronic pain and lack of sleep and working FT. I didn't need to delete myself from the WhatsApp group one person did that for me at the height of my depression and the rest followed suit in ignoring me.
I struggled then after the pandemic to want to even leave my house in case I saw them. Kids are really close friends which is good for them but shit for me im 3 years in and still struggle to go out in case I see them sometimes I rope the in laws into helping.
We say #behind we teach our kids but some (most ) are too selfish, to nasty and to up themselves I'm glad that 2 days and it's over to a certain extent apart from extra curricular sports. At least I didn't take my own life as DH was here but I nearly did that's how they made me feel