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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Happy I won’t see these Mum’s again

277 replies

Cherrysherbet · 21/07/2022 17:15

My DD left primary today.

The Mum’s from her class are so far up their own arses. I’m quite clearly not their kind of person.

I have been in multiple situations where they will literally turn their back on me to cut me out of a conversation.

I am friendly to everyone, and don’t have this sort of problem in any other part of my life.

They don’t say rude things to me, but their body language makes it clear that I’m not worth including in conversations.

Why do grown women behave like this?

I’ve hated going there the last couple of years. I really hate the fact that it has bothered me so much. I’m 48 ffs!

Even today at the leavers assembly, they asked me to move seats, and when I moved up, the woman turned her back, so I wasn’t able to speak to anyone! I have never been that close to saying something! I moved right over the other side of the room. Sick of being treated like that.

I am so happy that I’m not tied to having to go there now.
I came home and deleted myself from the class what’s app straight away! Yessss!!

AIBU to ask all primary school Mum’s who are going back in September to be thoughtful about how their actions make others feel?

We teach our kids to be kind and include others, so why do we often get this kind of mentality with the Mum’s? I’ve seen lots of similar post on here before, so I’m sure I’m not the only one who has experienced it.

OP posts:
SkirridHill · 21/07/2022 17:52

devildeepbluesea · 21/07/2022 17:47

I had a couple of mums try to give me the silent treatment. I made a massive point of being OTT friendly towards them when I saw them : beaming smile and “MORNING!”.

They were completely nonplussed and had to respond politely or look like absolute bitches to everyone else. Weirdly they eventually seemed to like me - perhaps because I seemed to like them so much. It always made me giggle to see their faces as i friendly-ambushed them 😂

I do the same thing. Just bedazzle them with how friendly I am and how little I give a shit. Smartphones are your friend in these situations.

Original poster
Cherrysherbet · 21/07/2022 17:53

Dacquoise

Personally I found that groups disappate when children head off to senior school as there isn't a need to congregate in the playground.

Yes, this will 100% happen.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 21/07/2022 17:58

One of the best days of my life was my youngest leaving primary school. I was so relieved I would never have to deal with playground politics ever again or the general batshittery that these women seemed to need in their lives. Secondary school is much easier!

x2boys · 21/07/2022 17:59

Tbh I just never got that involved with primary school mums ,both my children went to different schools as my youngest is disabled and has always gone to a special school, at ds1 primary school I was always pleasant and would chit chat but on a superficial basis and ds2 has always been picked up and dropped off by school transport so there was no school mum clique at the school gate .

Wombat27A · 21/07/2022 17:59

My friend was a childminder and every time I was broody, I did a school run with her. I struggled at school as a kid and it felt no different as an adult. Always put me right off having kids.

riesenrad · 21/07/2022 17:59

I was relieved when my son left primary school for similar reasons. Many were still around at his secondary but it was at least "diluted" a lot as the school has several feeder primaries so they made up a much smaller number of parents so it was relatively easy to avoid them.

GoofyJones · 21/07/2022 17:59

Op I totally feel your pain!! It really is an unpleasant experience the school run. Can't wait for my kids to go to secondary and become more independent. Talk about having an unpleasant experience twice each weekday! For me it has always been awkward and I feel like an outsider when I don't in quote unquote normal life.

riesenrad · 21/07/2022 18:02

groups disappate when children head off to senior school as there isn't a need to congregate in the playground

they still congregate at parents' meetings which are quite frequent (or were pre-covid). It was relatively easy to avoid them though, I used to arrive reasonably late, find a seat near the door and be out and away before anyone else. They still managed to control their kids' friendships as well (but that may have just been this area and possibly even just the year group - in an unguarded moment the headteacher said to me that he'd never seen a fussier set of Y7 parents!)

Dacquoise · 21/07/2022 18:03

Cherrysherbet · 21/07/2022 17:53

Dacquoise

Personally I found that groups disappate when children head off to senior school as there isn't a need to congregate in the playground.

Yes, this will 100% happen.

If it makes you feel better I was part of a group when my DD was at primary school and it was bloody miserable on the inside. Two alpha females, lots of bitching, bullying and excluding going on. With hindsight, most of it caused by insecurity and jealousy. Being ignored might have been a better option!

Maximoose · 21/07/2022 18:04

I don’t mean this in a horrible way, are you quite older than them? I have a friend similar age to you who said she really struggled making mum friends at school as all the other mums were 20 years younger and kind of just ignored her.

Not my opinion at all! Hense my friendship with her but maybe you could be experiencing the same thing?

Beercrispsandnuts · 21/07/2022 18:05

In my experience, this isn’t done on purpose as such, it’s not they look at you and think I shall ignore you and make you feel like shit. It’s more they are absorbed in each other and they themselves wishing to be included that they actually don’t even think about you, so you get ignored by default,

i know that doesn’t make it better, but basically they don’t feel they need to talk to everyone, they can talk to their friends, you feel as you are there too they owe you conversation and inclusion.

NCHammer2022 · 21/07/2022 18:05

Fuck em. They obviously don’t have much going on in their lives and won’t be able to pull this shit at secondary school.

Iamconfuzzled · 21/07/2022 18:08

I am sorry you had to go through that 💐. I will never understand how people can be so unkind, especially as they grow older. I am a primary school teacher and a small number of the teachers at my school act this way (led by one in particular, who is particularly nasty). I wish I was the type of person who could shrug it off but it gets me down, and just seems so unjust that they can get away with it when we would absolutely not accept it from the children. Schools can bring out the best and worst in people. Big hugs to you and so glad you're out the other side of this experience, keep being you - the world needs as much kindness as it can get X

Knittingnanny2 · 21/07/2022 18:10

Cliques are horrid. It’s not just school though, I’ve recently joined a local WI which seems to have cliques. Trying my hardest to join in and be sociable but it’s so disheartening. Probably won’t be bothering any more with this particular group.
I take one little grandson to 2 different toddler groups when we are on childcare days. One is lovely and welcoming, the other not. So I make a point at the second one of smiling and chatting to anyone I think is there for the first time as the people who run it don’t bother.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 21/07/2022 18:10

AIBU to ask all primary school Mum’s who are going back in September to be thoughtful about how their actions make others feel?

Nah fuck that.

when I drop off I am thinking about being as quick as possible so I can get to work. I’m thinking has DD got her homework and has DS read enough of his book, have they the right PE kit, did I forgot anything etc. I don’t have the headspace to consider if some random women, whom I have nothing in common with other than our children attend the same school, feel ‘included’.

we have GOT to stop this misogynistic bullshit that we must be besties with one another and we must Be Kind because that’s what good well behaved women do. It’s school. We are there to drop the kids off and pick them up. You don’t have the right to make friends with anyone and no one is obliged to be pally with you. People have their own problems and it’s absolutely 100% fine if you don’t register on your DC’s classmate’s mum’s radar.

This mythical ‘mean girls’ perception is so damaging and steeped in misogyny, let’s not shoot our selves in the foot by perpetuating it.

honkeytonkwoman38 · 21/07/2022 18:12

I had two daughters in primary school 6 years apart. In the oldest year they were cliquey and horrific! I still cross the road to avoid them at my daughter is 22. In the other daughters year they were lovely and I made loads of great friends I still meet up with. It's just life I guess.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 21/07/2022 18:12

cookiecreammpie · 21/07/2022 17:31

I feel your pain. There are a group of about 6 mums that have made it very clear they disliked before before even getting to know me. They won't give me the time of day. I'm shy and hate small talk anyway so I struggled with this at first. It felt a bit like they were trying to intimidate me into feeling uncomfortable at the school gates. I've still got a few years left of this but now I'm not arsed. I've got 4 kids to focus on, f they want to act like school girls that's up to them.

Sorry but if you’re shy you will find very few people make an effort with you. It’s hard work drawing people out their shell, and to be blunt - why should they? It’s not a NCT group, you’re there to fetch your kids. Friendship isn’t obligatory.

Dacquoise · 21/07/2022 18:12

riesenrad · 21/07/2022 18:02

groups disappate when children head off to senior school as there isn't a need to congregate in the playground

they still congregate at parents' meetings which are quite frequent (or were pre-covid). It was relatively easy to avoid them though, I used to arrive reasonably late, find a seat near the door and be out and away before anyone else. They still managed to control their kids' friendships as well (but that may have just been this area and possibly even just the year group - in an unguarded moment the headteacher said to me that he'd never seen a fussier set of Y7 parents!)

Mine went to a completely different school for seniors. Never had to deal with any of them again and not much interaction with the other parents. Thankfully!

Quirrelsotherface · 21/07/2022 18:13

I know exactly the type of women you mean and I think deep down they are insecure and making others feel left out makes them somehow feel more powerful / in control.

Two of my DC's classes this year have had 'organisers', being a queen bees if you like. However, both of these women are the two of the most wonderful, warm, inclusive people I have ever met. They speak to absolutely everyone and make all feel welcome and seen. There are some good people out there too! 💐

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 21/07/2022 18:13

Knittingnanny2 · 21/07/2022 18:10

Cliques are horrid. It’s not just school though, I’ve recently joined a local WI which seems to have cliques. Trying my hardest to join in and be sociable but it’s so disheartening. Probably won’t be bothering any more with this particular group.
I take one little grandson to 2 different toddler groups when we are on childcare days. One is lovely and welcoming, the other not. So I make a point at the second one of smiling and chatting to anyone I think is there for the first time as the people who run it don’t bother.

But it’s not the same - WI is about making friends and being part of something together. School runs are not.

Glitterspy · 21/07/2022 18:15

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 21/07/2022 18:10

AIBU to ask all primary school Mum’s who are going back in September to be thoughtful about how their actions make others feel?

Nah fuck that.

when I drop off I am thinking about being as quick as possible so I can get to work. I’m thinking has DD got her homework and has DS read enough of his book, have they the right PE kit, did I forgot anything etc. I don’t have the headspace to consider if some random women, whom I have nothing in common with other than our children attend the same school, feel ‘included’.

we have GOT to stop this misogynistic bullshit that we must be besties with one another and we must Be Kind because that’s what good well behaved women do. It’s school. We are there to drop the kids off and pick them up. You don’t have the right to make friends with anyone and no one is obliged to be pally with you. People have their own problems and it’s absolutely 100% fine if you don’t register on your DC’s classmate’s mum’s radar.

This mythical ‘mean girls’ perception is so damaging and steeped in misogyny, let’s not shoot our selves in the foot by perpetuating it.

Great post.

Roselilly36 · 21/07/2022 18:16

That is so rude, that’s on them, not you OP. Things change when they move onto high school, no more playground antics/politics. Enjoy the summer.

CockSpadget · 21/07/2022 18:17

You are far better off being on the outside OP, if you think they are bitchy to outsiders, it’s nothing compared to the cattiness that goes on on the inside, towards each other. There will be several members who will have wanted out, but too fearful of the animosity if they did. They will be as glad as you are that primary has ended.

Nancydrawn · 21/07/2022 18:20

How terribly small and sad that their biggest excitement or way to exercise power is to be pathetically rude to someone at a primary school event.

What little, circumscribed, empty lives they must lead.

Quirrelsotherface · 21/07/2022 18:21

have the headspace to consider if some random women, whom I have nothing in common with other than our children attend the same school, feel ‘included’.
we have GOT to stop this misogynistic bullshit that we must be besties with one another and we must Be Kind because that’s what good well behaved women do. It’s school. We are there to drop the kids off and pick them up. You don’t have the right to make friends with anyone and no one is obliged to be pally with you. People have their own problems and it’s absolutely 100% fine if you don’t register on your DC’s classmate’s mum’s radar

Yay, let's all just think about ourselves and not give a shit about those around us, let's not look out for those who may be struggling because really it's all about me, me, me.

That'll make for a great world.