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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD ruining my children's weekends

130 replies

HerGuy · 21/07/2022 02:34

DSD has some issues with hunger, she seems to be fine 75% of the time, until she's anything but full (of food). Ie she goes from being full to angry,moody with no in-between of "oh I want food in a bit".

Last couple of weekends, she's ruled the weekend with her food issues and my two kids for the first time ever, made comment to their own mother about their miserable weekend.

Aibu to exclude her from activities with my own kids? My kids generally love her, and adore my girlfriend, but recently it's been ruining their time.

Do I tell boys that it's part of having a step sister, or do I remove her from the situation and let my boys enjoy their weekends with me.

For reference, we've been a "family" for about 18 months, but don't life together.

My girlfriend thinks me and the boys should do something ourselves, if her daughter is causing issues, however part of me feels that she'll never improve her behaviour if she's not included and held accountable, but then I wonder about my boys enjoyment.

Any opinions would be appreciated

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 21/07/2022 02:41

What makes you think it’s food issues that have caused her to be angry and moody? It seems strange that it would ruin a whole family’s entire weekend, when if were simply about her being hungry, then you’d be able to solve it quickly and easily by feeding her.

User2145738790 · 21/07/2022 02:45

There's clearly something else going on. Nobody has that level of anger because they want food.
But you want to exclude her and shut her out instead of trying to find out what's wrong and help her?

Original poster
HerGuy · 21/07/2022 02:45

When she goes in the "mood" she always then claims she's hungry and she's fine for a few hours, the reason it ruined the weekend was that these particular times she was hungry about an hour after breakfast, and an hour after lunch, which prolonged the issues.

The moment we leave the house on a morning she's asking what's for lunch and likewise, immediately after lunch she's often asking about dinner plans.

We eat well and she always eats a large portion, often more than I eat, she's 11.

If not food, what other areas would you suggest we look at?

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 21/07/2022 02:45

And yes, your priority is your own children in the time that they have with you. Focus on having quality time with them if that’s what they’re asking for and that’s what your girlfriend is encouraging you to do. It’s not their responsibility to be present so that your girlfriends daughter can learn to be nicer around them.

Original poster
HerGuy · 21/07/2022 02:48

I don't want to shut her out, I want my children to not be adversely impacted because of a relationship decision I made.

It's not reasonable of me to put my children into a position where they feel it necessary to tell their mother that their weekend with their father was unenjoyable because of his girlfriend's daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
HerGuy · 21/07/2022 02:51

Thanks. Probably worth noting this isn't exclusively when my kids are around. Happens when it's her and her mother alone or the 3 or us, on the weekends I don't have my kids.

Do others have extreme hangry issues?

OP posts:
Thomasina79 · 21/07/2022 02:56

There might be medical reasons for her hunger. I’m not a doctor, but that would be my first port of call

Marvellousmadness · 21/07/2022 03:01

This relationship will not last...

fallfallfall · 21/07/2022 03:19

is her diet mainly carbs that don't keep her full long enough? more protein and more fiber is usually what's recommended in adults.

fUNNYfACE36 · 21/07/2022 03:24

Why don't you just feed her! Pack a sna k if you are heading out

Stressofherregard · 21/07/2022 03:26

ok. this is anecdotal. my niece always got moody when younger if she hadn't emptied her bowels. Once she had a different diet her moods flattened out. She still has a good appetite but has loads of vegetables and lentils etc.

Aintnosupermum · 21/07/2022 03:34

So this child has seen her family divide and she is the one going between the homes. Then along you come in with your children. Put yourself in her shoes. It is an awful lot of a change for a child to experience.

The ‘hunger’ is a symptom. It sounds like she is in a heightened state of anxiety and is emotionally eating to cope. Either that or she has a parasite or constipation problem.

SpidersAreShitheads · 21/07/2022 03:55

Has she always struggled with these moods? I'm just wondering that as she's 11, whether she's struggling to cope with the hormones that quite often start turning up round about that age.

My DD will quite often tell me she feels cross for absolutely no reason at all - she's 12 and started her periods at age 11. We've tracked it to hormones, it's horrendously difficult for a young girl to recognise and regulate - let alone if there are complicating emotions over blended families too.

I know it might sound cliche but hormones are an absolute bastard at that age.

StoppinBy · 21/07/2022 04:00

I would be looking in to medical reasons as this may be being caused by something that can be corrected. Irritability can certainly be caused by low blood sugar and if it's only happening when she's hungry this may be the cause but (as someone with no medical degree whatsoever lol) I wouldn't think that it's normal for someone to be so hungry or to have blood sugar levels fluctuating so much.

In the meantime, just keep food (I'd go high protein snacks) with you all the time and make sure she eats very regularly.

Felixsmama · 21/07/2022 04:43

You don't have to spend every weekend together, you don't live together. Enjoy some separate bonding time with each of your children..

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/07/2022 04:48

If you don't live together and your DC don't live with you full time then you should be spending weekends with your DC not enforcing 'family time' with dad's girlfriend and her annoying DC. It's very unfair of you to do that to your DC and I don't understand why you're talking about her as a step sister when you've been together a short period and don't live together??

autienotnaughty · 21/07/2022 05:04

I'd be speaking to your gf about seeking medical advice. It's either psychological or physical but needs to be checked out an extreme reaction to hunger is not normal.

With regards to boys perhaps continue to meet but keep it short so a half day outing or an afternoon at one of your houses. See them shortly after meal times.

But do encourage them to see a doctor.

NumberTheory · 21/07/2022 05:26

It would probably be good to have some of your time with your own kids as just them. I understand wanting it to be family like, but you aren’t even living with your gf, so spending every weekend you’re with your kids with GF and DSD seems unfair on your DSs (and probably on DSD too).

Agree with previous poster about encouraging your GF to seek some help because it doesn’t sound normal. I also think you need to hold back on getting more involved if she tackle it. That’s not going to make for a good relationship for you nor for your DSs long term. Getting involved with someone with kids is a delicate balance and getting involved with someone when you already have kids is a delicate balance. There are a lot more reasons for pulling back or keeping things more casual than if the kids weren’t around and you seem to have found some of those reasons.

RockinHorseShit · 21/07/2022 05:41

Diabetes? I'd certainly be getting her checked over thoroughly

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 21/07/2022 05:41

Even if you did live together it would be normal to have some more quality time apart. You don't say their ages, but from the language I assume they are slightly younger. I would perhaps limit it for now to shorter periods of time, perhaps around mealtimes. Or maybe when food is easily available, for example meet at a local park for a picnic and have food she can come back to pick at. You can still build a relationship with DSD when your boys aren't there. Agree with others your gf might want to look at the nature of the food, any weight issues, puberty or anxiety if she is due to go to secondary school.

Porcupineintherough · 21/07/2022 05:43

Just do the occasional thing together with your girlfriend and her daughter but mostly concentrate on spending time with your kids. There are lots of possible reasons your girlfriend's daughter is the way she is but it's not really your problem to solve.

JustHarriet · 21/07/2022 05:50

If this hasn't always been a problem then surely it is something that can be understood and managed in time, so you simply need to find a way to best meet everyone's needs while you work through it.

Being a strong family unit isn't incompatible with planning time for the children to spend with their own parent, as long as it is presented in a way that is about meeting each person's needs rather than excluding a family member. So you can announce that part of the day will be spent as mum/daughter and father/son time, and you will have special time all together at the end of the day, eg. playing a game straight after dinner or cooking pizza/anything fun together, or ask the kids what they would like to do. Anticipating and having fun during these times is probably more family building than spending every moment together, this would be true for blended and non-blended families.

Having family members means having people who will disrupt your life from time to time, as well as add value to it. Learning to accommodate others and tolerate situations that aren't ideal is an important life lesson but this is a matter of balance as no one deserves to be utterly miserable. So your job is to manage the balance as best you can. You can model empathy and speak kindly about DSD, and identify the behaviour as challenging rather than the person, while you manage the amount of time your children need to acommodate the difficult behaviour so they do not become overwhelmed or resentful. This process helps them learn how to be empathetic and caring, and have healthy boundaries in life.

nca · 21/07/2022 05:53

So she never gets time with her mum on her own at the weekends?

Ontomatopea · 21/07/2022 05:53

You don't live together so it sounds absolutely fine for you to spend time with your kids every time you have them. Maybe then you could meet up with them every so often. Just rein back the whole "blended family" thing and let hit happen a bit slower.

SpencersCroftCat · 21/07/2022 06:04

One of my children gets hangry. She's autistic and has epic meltdowns because she's hungry, often triggered by her having eaten everything she will actually eat that we have at home and us needing to restock the fridge. She is amazing and kind and lovely but I'm starting to worry there's a medical reason for it. I just don't know what I'd need to push the GP to test for/ who to refer her to.

I feel for you. Spend the time with your own children. That's always got to be your number one priority overall. Hopefully something can be done to help DSD.

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