DSD ruining my children's weekends

[HerGuy]

DSD has some issues with hunger, she seems to be fine 75% of the time, until she's anything but full (of food). Ie she goes from being full to angry,moody with no in-between of "oh I want food in a bit".

Last couple of weekends, she's ruled the weekend with her food issues and my two kids for the first time ever, made comment to their own mother about their miserable weekend.

Aibu to exclude her from activities with my own kids? My kids generally love her, and adore my girlfriend, but recently it's been ruining their time.

Do I tell boys that it's part of having a step sister, or do I remove her from the situation and let my boys enjoy their weekends with me.

For reference, we've been a "family" for about 18 months, but don't life together.

My girlfriend thinks me and the boys should do something ourselves, if her daughter is causing issues, however part of me feels that she'll never improve her behaviour if she's not included and held accountable, but then I wonder about my boys enjoyment.

Any opinions would be appreciated

They aren't going to love it 100% of the time unless you're a Disney dad who just treats them like guests. But yes I agree it's not fair if it's this early on in a relationship

So are you mostly concerned about this becausethey told their mum? Has she then contacted you about it? If so then why are you so concerned they've told their mum?

or maybe, he's concerned because he's found out they've had a miserable time.

Probably a long shot but when this happened to my DH for 18 months, it turned out to be type 1 diabetes. He was an absolute horror as his blood sugars were all over the place. Just something to consider.

We don't know that her family has been divided or that she goes between houses, she may have only lived with her Mum, no mention of her Father at all. It is the OP that his children to visit EOW.

Yes I understand that OP has mentioned that they told their mum twice now so was wondering if that was bothering them. As a stepmum I had to adjust a bit to the fact the ex would hear about what had happened at our house. It wasnt something that came easily to me.

We don't know how much this girl is eating they might just not be feeding her enough so feeding her more may be the answer. If she's having cereal, toast, sandwich, then pasta for dinner and biscuits and fruit in between it might be hyperglycaemia created through a carb heavy diet which is really common and rectified by increasing protein and switching to complex carbs and reducing fruit. Thats what I had to do for my DD after her diabetes screening came back fine, I had to look at what she was actually eating. And she's growing so she eats plenty more than me as a grown up, because I don't need half as much food as a growing child. Since reducing those carbs generally my whole family has benefited though.

So do you think this is actually just about the food ?
if so can’t you take sandwiches / snacks with you?
I’d be interested to know if your girl friends dd acts the same over food when you and your kids aren’t there?

If it’s really that bad, just take a bag of snacks with you when you go out (quick ones eg crisps and bananas). Problem solved, surely?

I can’t offer any advice re the DSD, as I’m pregnant and not a mum yet, other than get her seen by both her GP and a psychologist if the GP can’t pick up something physically wrong.

speaking as someone who had to live at one point with my stepfather’s extremely difficult teens when I was very young, about age 4 to 7, I didn’t feel like my house was a sanctuary and couldn’t wait to get back to my father’s house. Thankfully they were sent to boarding school because of their behaviour, but those three years were not fun and I remember it vividly, their moods and tempers ruling the house. Don’t subject your children to it, as you say it’s your relationship and eventually they are going to request not staying with you. I didn’t everything in my power at that age to stretch out my allocated custody days with my father to avoid my stepbrothers. It’s also scary at that age to be around grumpy angry teens when you are a child, the age gap feels simply enormous to children.

At 11, is she not capable of making her own lunch/getting her own snacks?? If you go out, she can chuck some fruit and breakfast bars in her bag so she can choose when to eat? It does sound like a trip to the drs is necessary.

I don't understand why PPs are so focused on sorting the DSDs issue, that's not OPs responsibility.

His responsibility is to his children who have expressed a desire to spend time without this girl. That should be respected and OP should do that.

All this 'just take a snack out, problem solved'. It's not problem solved. OPs children don't want to go out with her. That's fine, that's allowed and it's actually good for them to spend time alone with their Dad. DSD doesn't need to be included in everything. She can spend some time with her mum.

Can't you swap weekends round so you have your ds when your girlfriend doesn't have her dd?

It’s fine for you to spend time with your kids separately at least some of the time especially if they are asking for it .

at 11 it is very possible that your DSD is starving hungry .. it was certainly the case with my two sons as they started to really grow . I think hangry is definitely a thing .

she may also be struggling to adapt to the new dynamic too .not to mention this is the age to go up to secondary too which can be quite nerve wracking .

This seems a bit of a faff for everyone involved when he could just say he's seeing his sons alone. There's nothing unreasonable about that, the sons and their mum shouldn't have to swap around their time with their dad to avoid having to do something perfectly reasonable.

Jesus. So many issues here, where to start?

The elephant in the room is that she wants her mum all to herself. She doesn’t want to share her with you or with your children. It’s not about the food at all.

She’s 11, FGS. She’s sad and angry that her life has been turned upside down. You’re trying to create a “blended” situation that doesn’t centre her needs. You are very selfish, I am afraid to say.

Take snacks and you don't need to spend every weekend together. If they were full siblings and not step and both you and your girlfriends children you wouldn't live in each others pockets and all do everything together every weekend

Your DC only see you EOW and they have to spend this with your GF and difficult child. Not really child’s fault, but your DS’s will soon decide they don’t want to come.

Why can’t you see your Gf and her DC the other 12 out of 14 days? Why is it that children have to play happy families with parents partners on the few occasions they see them? I say that as a step child myself.

It’s not the same but at 13 my youngest daughter became very very difficult (I’m not going into details but that’s putting it mildly). It did coincide with puberty, as she was a fairly late developer and I was convinced she was ‘lacking’ something in her diet, and took her to the doctors (which was an enormous feat in itself), but was completely brushed off, and never managed to get her to go again.

Anyway, the reason why it was similar was her attitude to food - although in her case it was sweet food. The mumsnet opinion is that children can’t steal food, they should be allowed access to it at any time, but in my family we don’t have the budget for that, and it was limited to ‘ask before you take’, which maybe sounds mean, but even allowing free access to the fruit bowl couldn’t happen as she’d eat a punnet of grapes, a net of satsumas, and some apples before the day had begun. We stopped buying sugar as she’d eat it by the bagful, things like packed lunch biscuits (I’m from the olden days)had to stay in the car, and the keys needed to be looked after. She ate everyone’s Easter eggs, an entire Yule log, she opened Christmas presents from under the tree (before Christmas) looking for chocolates. She’d eat 6 or more yoghurts at the same time. The special pudding we’d bought for Christmas Day. Baking ingredients like hundreds and thousands, even vanilla essence. My husband won a hamper at a work party and brought it home late one night. She was in bed. It was demolished by the time I got up. She was allowed sweet things, but in normal quantities, but this was an obsession, and she’d get so angry, sometimes violent. Despite all the calories she was only about 6.5 stone.

Things didn’t change until she was 18, when she became normal again. She’s 21 now and lives independently. She, through choice, likes to eat 6 small meals a day, but what she eats is mostly healthy. She loves salad and fish and fruit. She still likes sweets and chocolate but nothing abnormal. The only thing I can think that happened when she was 18/19 was a growth spurt. She was always little, but went from 5’1 to 5’7 in a short period of time. She weighs 8 stone now.

Im convinced it was hormones. Some kind of imbalance. I think your girlfriends daughter is probably the same. Hopefully your girlfriend will get someone to listen to her.

Sounds like blended families might not be for you. Or at least this one. If you think there are issues now with her behaviour, you’re really going to be in meltdown once she hits her teens and displays the usual teen girls angst and dramas. Let her mother parent her, and you focus on your DCs.

Managing a blended family at weekends is always going to be hard, you can’t please everyone.

My dd has similar issues with food, she has ASD and wherever we go it has to be planned around food (where and when we are going to eat) and sometimes she can be grumpy if it’s getting close to feeding time 🤣. I often take snacks for her, usually carrot sticks, fruit etc.. (healthy snacks) and I have to give her a set time for when lunch will be. I understand how my daughters issues could annoy others and it’s one of the reasons I wouldn’t attempt to blend with another family 😬.

Of course it’s ok for you to take you DS’s out without DSD but maybe not every weekend, I don’t understand why people force kids to spend time with each other if they really don’t want too, obviously it’s nice for you and do if you can all spend a day together and get along but in reality it’s not always possible.

This. And no rush to live together either, given that the children obviously need more time to get along with each other.

I’d do a combination of both

I think you should consider this from an emotional point of view.

This girl is 11 and is having an intense blended familu experience every weekend?

Have you considered any of this from.her point of view ? Are all the children including her suffering due to you and your partner pushing them together too much ?

Definitely spend quality time on your own with your own kids. Their time with you is so precious.

As for your DSD, anything could be going on: hormones, attention seeking / jealousy seeing her weekends busy with Mum’s boyfriend and his kids, eating issues…

Don’t ‘blame’ your DSD for not spending every weekend with your kids pushing for a ‘blended family’. It is important that your DSD gets time with her Mum, too. Just be supportive if your DP is worrying about her.

Does this food issue come up when she is alone with her Mum?

OP your responsibility is to your own DS's, not your GFs DD. You don't even live together so why the determination to do everything together?
Spend time on your own with your DSs .