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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD ruining my children's weekends

130 replies

HerGuy · 21/07/2022 02:34

DSD has some issues with hunger, she seems to be fine 75% of the time, until she's anything but full (of food). Ie she goes from being full to angry,moody with no in-between of "oh I want food in a bit".

Last couple of weekends, she's ruled the weekend with her food issues and my two kids for the first time ever, made comment to their own mother about their miserable weekend.

Aibu to exclude her from activities with my own kids? My kids generally love her, and adore my girlfriend, but recently it's been ruining their time.

Do I tell boys that it's part of having a step sister, or do I remove her from the situation and let my boys enjoy their weekends with me.

For reference, we've been a "family" for about 18 months, but don't life together.

My girlfriend thinks me and the boys should do something ourselves, if her daughter is causing issues, however part of me feels that she'll never improve her behaviour if she's not included and held accountable, but then I wonder about my boys enjoyment.

Any opinions would be appreciated

OP posts:
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 21/07/2022 09:00

OP, you're not a blended family. Your girlfriend's daughter isn't your step daughter. As such, you don't have to worry unduly about why she's behaving in the way she's behaving. However, you do need to focus on having a pleasant time with your sons, especially given that you only see them EOW. You said upthread that you don't want your sons to suffer as a result of relationship decisions that you have made - but that's precisely what's happening at the moment.

You have plenty of time to see your girlfriend and her daughter on the other 12 days of the fortnight; if I were you, I'd do that and focus on your sons when you have them (sounds as if your girlfriend would also say this!)

Shouldreallystopwatchingtv · 21/07/2022 09:03

Apologies if someone else has suggested this - but does she take vitamins? Her hunger could be that she is deficient in something.

Or could she be something like coeliac? You can be without knowing it. It would mean she isn’t absorbing vitamins properly so is constantly hungry because her body needs nutrition.

Matlab · 21/07/2022 09:08

Sounds like a classic case of insulin resistance caused by snacking on too much carbs/sugar too frequently.

A diet high in fat/protein is required to keep you full. For example, my 10 month old has breast milk at 7:30am then has a high fat/protein lunch (midday) and dinner (5pm), and is not fussy because of hunger and does not seek food at any other time.

DSGR · 21/07/2022 09:08

I think I’d do both - time with her and time with your own DC.
Definitely look at her diet and try to fill her with more protein.
you sound nice and caring by the way

LoveMuscle · 21/07/2022 09:11

Doctor for blood sugar levels tested first then go down the psychological route

IrisVersicolor · 21/07/2022 09:12

Nobody gets hangry an hour after food - it’s what you get when your blood sugar’s low and you haven’t eaten for ages. I get it it a lot.

Sounds more like a food fixation, or a coping mechanism, possibly even ED developing - a friend of mine who had an ED had the same issue.

It’s true that hormonally things will be changing for her right now.

May I ask if she’s overweight? It sounds like she’s consuming and awful lot of food.

IrisVersicolor · 21/07/2022 09:14

ItsABitMeh · 21/07/2022 08:26

I don't understand why PPs are so focused on sorting the DSDs issue, that's not OPs responsibility.

His responsibility is to his children who have expressed a desire to spend time without this girl. That should be respected and OP should do that.

All this 'just take a snack out, problem solved'. It's not problem solved. OPs children don't want to go out with her. That's fine, that's allowed and it's actually good for them to spend time alone with their Dad. DSD doesn't need to be included in everything. She can spend some time with her mum.

I agree.

I think it’s fine to take his kids out separately.

DSD May prefer to hang out with her mum too.

sue20 · 21/07/2022 09:15

HerGuy · 21/07/2022 02:48

I don't want to shut her out, I want my children to not be adversely impacted because of a relationship decision I made.

It's not reasonable of me to put my children into a position where they feel it necessary to tell their mother that their weekend with their father was unenjoyable because of his girlfriend's daughter.

It’s a very recent relationship. I think you’re trying too hard too early. Make separate arrangements until you and girlfriend have established more.

aSofaNearYou · 21/07/2022 09:16

People are quick to psychoanalysize whenever it's a step child and attribute any behaviour to their situation, but the most obvious answer to me is that she's starting to go through puberty and it's making her bad tempered.

If you don't live together, of course you can do things separately. Should be quite an easy fix!

WillMcAvoy · 21/07/2022 09:16

you're not married, you don't live together, she is not their stepsister. Put your children first and stop with the blended family shite.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/07/2022 09:17

So none of the kids get to spend any time alone with their own parents at the weekends? You don't live together and haven't even been together all that long so there is no reason you should all be spending every contact weekend together.

I have been with my dp for 3 years, we don't live together and we only occasionally spend time together when I have my kids at the weekend. They want to spend time with me, not my boyfriend.

billy1966 · 21/07/2022 09:24

OP,

18 months and not living together?

This is not your step daughter and not your issue to solve.

You have your own children to look after and should be looking after them and not allowing their weekend to be spoiled by this issue.

Leave her mother to figure it out and focus on your own children that are spending time with you.

Or would you rather they start telling their mother that they don't want to stay with you as your girlfriends daughter is your priority?

Focus on your children, start with spending less time with your girlfriend when you have your boys.

Stop foisting this child and her issues on them.

Go off and have a nice time with them and meet up later for food, but make your children your priority while you have them.

Threeboysandadog · 21/07/2022 09:25

My youngest ds became completely focused on food and hunger around this age. It coincided with starting secondary school. Everything we did revolved around him having access to food and he was going on about “seconds”, snacks or his next meal before he’d finished his current one. He was gaining a lot of weight but was extremely upset/anxious/angry if he didn’t have constant access to food. I got the school to refer him for ND assessment due to family history of ASD/ADHD.

What stopped it for us was lockdown and learning from home. I thought being home all the time with no outside activities would make it worse but it didn’t. He reverted to “normal” eating. He has since been dx with ASD and Development Co-ordination Disorder.. and is still being assessed for ADHD.

Your Dsd has had a lot of changes in her life and this may be due to anxiety as a result or there may be something else at play. It’s worth getting it checked out. In the meantime just spend the weekends you have your children doing something with them.

billy1966 · 21/07/2022 09:26

WillMcAvoy · 21/07/2022 09:16

you're not married, you don't live together, she is not their stepsister. Put your children first and stop with the blended family shite.

Beautifully succinct!

Isaidnoalready · 21/07/2022 09:29

Honestly she is probably thirsty but as you don't live together it's not your circus etc

RobertsRadio · 21/07/2022 09:30

Look, you don't live with your GF and her hangry child so there is no reason to subject your DC to them on their weekends with you. Why don't you and your GF do all the kids a favour and spend the weekends that you have your boys separately. That way your boys have you to themselves, which is sort of the paint of them staying with you, No? And the daughter of your GF gets to have her Mum to herself at least every other weekend.

Stop trying to make the poor kids share their parents and weekends.

Twonewcats · 21/07/2022 09:32

HerGuy · 21/07/2022 02:48

I don't want to shut her out, I want my children to not be adversely impacted because of a relationship decision I made.

It's not reasonable of me to put my children into a position where they feel it necessary to tell their mother that their weekend with their father was unenjoyable because of his girlfriend's daughter.

It's also not reasonable for your gf to shut her daughter out at the expense of your kids.

And your children are being adversely impacted, as it's you they want to spend time with, not the gf.

I'm a grown woman, and it irks me that my dad brings his partner (who he has been with for 10 years and lived with for 5 years, so not a new situation) every time we meet for a coffee etc. I want to see him, not make small talk with her.

HoppingPavlova · 21/07/2022 09:34

That’s not normal at 11yo and requires investigation, has her mother done this?

LuckyLil · 21/07/2022 09:35

I'd also be ruling out anything medical here. This almost sounds like an obsession with food or eating which cannot be healthy. Could she be comfort eating? Is she overweight?

GetThatHelmetOn · 21/07/2022 09:36

OP, regardless if any issues she may have with hunger or not, your girlfriend is right, sometimes trying to “force” family time when nobody is having a good time is more damaging to everyone than giving each other space, particularly in your situation when you don’t leave together/have homes of your own. Not all families are good candidates for blending.

I’m on my second “set” of DSC and although I have never had any issues with the previous ones and always enjoyed adding more kids to our weekends, this second time it has been impossible so, after a couple of years trying to be inclusive and having holidays/weekends ruined/canceled due to children behaving like brats when we mixed them, we have agreed not to meet when he has his children and it has worked wonderfully:

  • Our children get to see their dad on a one 2 one basis without distractions regularly.
  • Their mother is not nasty to the kids or full of explosive drama because she doesn’t get angry/resentful when they have contact with me
  • DP has become more responsible as a dad, as he has no one to dump the responsibility of cooking and organising fun times out for him
  • I can have weekends on my own with DS when DP sees his children which has been CRUCIAL not to lose track of my own child through teenage. This has proven the same for him now that his DC are teens.
  • Our relationship benefits of our time apart, I have time to catch up with myself, house chores and my friends on my own so we are not buggered down by these things and other commitments when we are together. There are some great benefits on not living on each other’s pockets.
Do not force the situation, not all families are suitable for blending or it may be the time is not right right now. Just back off until the situation improves and try again later.
GlitteryGreen · 21/07/2022 09:39

If you don't live together then just don't spend the entire weekend you have your children together, so it won't impact them as much.

I do understand the food obsession and how annoying it can be as my niece is like this and I remember being similar myself when I was young. Every day out revolved around when we could have lunch, when I could have a snack etc. It's frustrating, especially when the child then gets the hump if they can't have something, or just keeps going on until they get something.

What exactly did your children say about it? Why did it bother them so much?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2022 09:40

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/07/2022 04:48

If you don't live together and your DC don't live with you full time then you should be spending weekends with your DC not enforcing 'family time' with dad's girlfriend and her annoying DC. It's very unfair of you to do that to your DC and I don't understand why you're talking about her as a step sister when you've been together a short period and don't live together??

I second this. It's bizarre and inappropriate that you refer to this child as your children's stepsister. She's nothing of the sort. Take a huge step back and focus on your own kids. You barely see them as it is, you don't need to involve your girlfriend and her daughter.

JocelynBurnell · 21/07/2022 09:43

ClocksGoingBackwards · 21/07/2022 02:45

And yes, your priority is your own children in the time that they have with you. Focus on having quality time with them if that’s what they’re asking for and that’s what your girlfriend is encouraging you to do. It’s not their responsibility to be present so that your girlfriends daughter can learn to be nicer around them.

I also think you need to focus on having quality time with your own children.

Gymnopedie · 21/07/2022 09:44

waterrat · 21/07/2022 08:57

I think you should consider this from an emotional point of view.

This girl is 11 and is having an intense blended familu experience every weekend?

Have you considered any of this from.her point of view ? Are all the children including her suffering due to you and your partner pushing them together too much ?

Presumably it's the girl's mother who is pushing her DD into blended family weekends. I doubt the OP is forcing the mother at gunpoint to have her DD there.

So no, he shouldn't be looking at this from her POV. That's for her own parents to manage. His priority is his own DCs, and yes OP you should be doing things with your DCs alone. If this carries on you will alienate them to the point where they won't want to come to you at weekends at all and they will feel that you're putting the DD above them, which will destroy your relationship with them. I'd suggest that as you don't live with your girlfriend you spend weekends separately and see each other at different times.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/07/2022 09:51

She's hangry. Have a read of this.

amp.theguardian.com/science/2022/jul/06/being-hangry-is-a-real-thing-psychologists-find-link-between-hunger-and-emotions

My son was like this for a number of years. We solved the problem when our by carrying snacks.

He's grown out of it now. Or rather Dan manage it better now he's a bit more mature.