DSD ruining my children's weekends

[HerGuy]

DSD has some issues with hunger, she seems to be fine 75% of the time, until she's anything but full (of food). Ie she goes from being full to angry,moody with no in-between of "oh I want food in a bit".

Last couple of weekends, she's ruled the weekend with her food issues and my two kids for the first time ever, made comment to their own mother about their miserable weekend.

Aibu to exclude her from activities with my own kids? My kids generally love her, and adore my girlfriend, but recently it's been ruining their time.

Do I tell boys that it's part of having a step sister, or do I remove her from the situation and let my boys enjoy their weekends with me.

For reference, we've been a "family" for about 18 months, but don't life together.

My girlfriend thinks me and the boys should do something ourselves, if her daughter is causing issues, however part of me feels that she'll never improve her behaviour if she's not included and held accountable, but then I wonder about my boys enjoyment.

Any opinions would be appreciated

Honestly just spend time woth your kids alone and let your girlfriend have a weekend alone with her own daughter.

She’s probably at the beginning of puberty, could be hormonal, she probably needs extra food if she’s growing, could be blood sugar. If you really want to keep going out together I would make a really protein heavy breakfast eggs, chicken sausages etc and then take snacks like babybel out with you too.

I had a cousin who would change from sweetest child to swearing, fighting, hangry child . There was no in between. Food ruined occasions. Many times he would say am not hungry because he wasn't. Then a few minutes later he would explode. Blind rage. Once he ate he was st child again. A lot of work and him growing older has improved things but food still has to be always on hand. It does happen. So kids can have that level of anger because of food. In our case gp and consultants (who have encountered such kids before) tested for as much as they could but could not find a physiological reason. He has always had a very good balanced diet so it wasn't even that

I'm really not sure why PPs are focusing so much on your DSD and you trying to solve her issue. This isn't about her imo, it's about your children.

By all means speak to your gf about seeking medical advice or whatever else but at the end of the day DSD has a mother and I assume father too who can seek help for their own daughter. Your priority here should be your children and they are telling you they aren't enjoying this situation.

So yes, do as you've suggested here and spend time with them along without your gfs daughter. You don't even live together so this should be very easy and relatively pain free for everyone to do.

Alone not along!

I was a step-child myself and spent many weekends with my dad's various gfs and wives along with their kids (complicated situation so being vague) I only really ever wanted time with my dad on his own which I never had.

Why are you describing this child as your 'step daughter'? You don't live together, she's your girlfriend's DD. There is no need to all hang around together at weekends, it is deeply insulting to all the children to expect them to bundled together just because you want to be with your GF. . At 11 I wouldn't have wanted to be with my own brothers all weekend, we had our own hobbies, interests and friends. I think your expectations are out of order. Don't you want to enjoy time with your sons on your own? Why does your GF and her DD have to tag along? I feel sad for all the DC in this scenario.

Even if she was always delightful, you should still have some time on your own with your boys, it's so weird that you want all the time to include your GF and SD

You’re male with boys and talking about an 11 year old girl. This could be anxiety, hormones, poor diet etc. My dd went through periods of having a lot of stomach pains when she was 9/10/11 and she was referred for a scan. They found nothing but said it was common not to.

You don’t sound very empathetic and I am wondering if there is some modelling of male disdain for a young female in front of your male children. The girl isn’t doing this deliberately. She needs to be assessed by a GP. Not sure if this relationship has legs tbh.

You say it happens as soon as you leave the house. Could it be that she really just wants to go back home? Does she have agoraphobia ? Or is it some sort of anxiety about having to eat out? Or eat food she isn't familiar with.

Just because she says 'I'll be ok in a few hours' doesn't necessarily mean she is being accurate.

With respect, it's not OPs job to concern himself about the reasoning, hormones, GP visits, periods ect. surrounding his DSDs issue.

His main concern should rightly be his own children and making sure the time they spend with him is enjoyable for them.

Kids can get tummy ache with anxiety; could she be confusing that tummy pain with feeling hungry? 11 is such a tough age anyway; hormones, busy year at school / leaving school. Add in new family dynamic; she could just be feeling anxiety and is too young to realise that she is; and so thinks she’s hungry?

No its the girl's parents' responsibility. However if this is going to be operating as a blended family then the lack of empathy toward a girl at what is often a very difficult age even without the stress of trying to integrate into a new family set up is striking. The default assumption that she is a problem and must be held "accountable" rather than she has a problem which needs looking into. It would concern me if my child was spending much time in this set up.

I'm also not clear on how it causes a problem. Pre puberty growing kids get hungry and have moods (especially when hungry). Its not clear if the issues is a lack of food in the house or annoyance that a child is hungry between meals or the usual assumption that hungry girls are greedy. Otherwise if the child is hungry why can't she have food?

She is not your DSD and she is not your sons step sister, she is, as you have referred to her elsewhere, your girlfriend’s daughter. So no, I don’t think you should be sacrificing the quality of your time with your own children for what could be a passing relationship. Obviously at a point in time, you will need to work out whether you can or should been families.

As an aside, I also don’t understand why you or her mother don’t just feed her if she is hungry. If she does have an unnaturally large appetite, then I would look for medical advice.

Does her mum think she’s always been like this, or it’s recent?

Does she get time alone with her mum, or are you always there?

Do you only see your DC EOW?

I’d suggest it’s puberty making this happen.
Your kids should have time with just you.

*blend not been

I'm very tall. I remember being constantly ravenous at 11 to the point that it became a bit of a family joke how I was constantly eating. I then absolutely shot up in height almost overnight and spent my early teens head and shoulders over all the other girls.
At 11, this could be a combination of hormones, growth spurt, anxiety, stress over the different relationships and almost certainly stress because she'll have picked up how much you don't like her. 11 is still very young and on the verge of the teenage years.
If you want to do things just with your boys and don't want to always do 'family time', then that's fine but you're focusing on the wrong issue here.

Two things- it's important for your dc to have time just with you, and for her Dc to have time just with her. It should just be built in, not a big deal.

Secondly- the DD has blood sugar management issues, it's not unusual, she just needs suitable meals and regular top ups to prevent slumps.

Protein and complex carbs are the best foods for stable blood sugar levels. Egg, cheese, nuts, yogurt.

Avoid simple carbs like white bread and biscuits. Fruit is a bit borderline.

Unless she's neurodivergent then I'd suggest she doesn't actually know what's going on but the thing she can name to label her feelings is I'm hungry. Much like a five year old will when bored. She is feeling feelings she doesn't like and can't explain. Her mother should be talking to her about emotions and trying to work out what's bothering her. The issues with anger around food are the symptom of the problem, not the problem.

Her asking about food all the time could be about anxiety and control. Go easy on her. She's had a lot of changes in her life with you and her mother splitting up and you having a new gf , a lot of uncertainty and powerlessness, and she is possibly seeking to assert control over things in life that are more accessible to her eg food. It's comforting and it is regular. And eating may represent emotional comfort to her. Be careful BC control over food like this this can potentially lead to an eating disorder. I would tread very carefully indeed. And ultimately you and her mother need to allay her fears.

Obviously the above theory could be totally off the mark but I think more time spent alone with your boys , and your gf spending more alone time with her DD, is the way to go right now.

I would encourage your girlfriend to take her DD for a medical checkup. There may be an underlying cause especially if food changes her mood. Diabetes check would be wise. It could be hormonal at her age too.

You could do alternative weekends or shorter periods of time so your boys don’t have to have their whole time spoilt. Out for the day split up for a while and meet back at lunch. Has she had mum to herself for a long time? Could be she finds the transition difficult therefore shorter periods of time until she copes more comfortably. Have there been a succession of new partners as she might think it not worth getting to know you and the boys if previous boyfriends have left. In which case some counselling might help her.

Full cooked breakfast! Simple!

I’m assuming the little girl lives with her mother but not sure if you have your sons 50:50 or something different? In any case, I’d recommend stepping right back as it sounds like the attempts to blend are not working.

As PPs have said, your time with your children is the priority for you.

It’s possible your GF’s daughter has hunger or food issues. It could also be something else, much more complex, perhaps hormonal, emotional. Unless your GF has specifically asked for your involvement then this is for her to address, or not. If you don’t agree with her parenting style then this is a much bigger problem, which is unlikely to be resolved easily.

Can you go back to spending time together as just a couple with much less frequency on group activities? I realise all the children are part of the package for relationship but better to take things slower than force the pace.

and my two kids for the first time ever, made comment to their own mother about their miserable weekend.

So are you mostly concerned about this becausethey told their mum? Has she then contacted you about it? If so then why are you so concerned they've told their mum? If anything it's beneficial for you to know about it? Did they tell you? Or if you sensed it, you could bring it up with them.

My DSD often tell their mum how their weekend was, we ask them how their week was etc.

@fUNNYfACE36

you can’t just keep feeding and feeding. What if she wants another snack after that? And another?
just feeding isn’t the answer