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Original poster

Friends child hurting my baby

308 replies

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 11:45

We are currently on holiday in a lodge. There are 4 adults and 7 kids. One of my friends, let's call her Sarah, has two boys, 7 and 3. I have a 3 month old baby.

My friends child, the 3 year old, is, in my opinion, out of control. He has constant tantrums, if you ask him to do anything, he screams and shouts. He wanted to come to the shops with me yesterday, I had no car seat for him to come so I said to him 'I'm sorry sweetheart but I don't have a car seat for you but I'll bring you back a treat'. Well, he started pulling on and swinging on my car door handle, kicking the car, screaming the place down. I genuinely thought he was going going pull the handle off and do damage. Another time my baby was in his bouncy chair and he began grabbing it and violently bouncing it up and down. His mum told him to stop but he just defiantly looked her in the eye, maintaining eye contact while bouncing it even harder. I had to run over to physically intervene.

Anyway these are just a few examples of his behaviour to give background to his behaviour in general. The situation broke down last night. Her 3 year old boy keeps throwing things at my baby. I don't know if it's jealousy or whatever but he'll pick up hairbrushes, remote controls, just anything and lob them at him. His mum weakly says 'no, don't do that' but he continues. Over and over. I'll be holding my baby and have to turn my back to protect him yet the avalanch of things being chucked at us continues. It isn't just on holiday this has happened. Well the throwing things hasn't happened before but he has threatened to kick my baby and always does sly little things like pretending to put a blanket on him to keep him warm and actually slamming it down on him, hurting him, lying on the settee beside us 'accidentally' moving his legs but actually kicking my baby....etc.

Yesterday it came to a head. I have had to continuously say to the kid, come on 'Paul' (not his real name), come on, stop that, you're going to hurt baby, you can't do that etc etc...but he doesn't care about getting in trouble. Anyway, yesterday, his mum, 'Sarah', confronted me, saying "you're always nipping at him, he's just doing it because he is hot/bored/wanting attention etc". I said yes, that's all very well, but the fact still remains that whatever the reason is behind his behaviour, he is deliberately hurting my baby and he knows what he is doing. She got extremely defensive and it came to a bit of a head. We are OK now but I'm currently packing to go home today (we aren't meant to leave till Sunday) just so that I can protect my baby from this.

I realise that kids do behave badly at times , I realise it's normal but I don't know what level is normal? Is this normal behaviour? I don't have a 3 year old myself so I don't know. Am I being unreasonable by nipping at him to stop? Am I bring unreasonable to expect him to not act like this? As I say, his mum does say 'no, don't do that' but that does absolutely nothing to control or curb his behaviour.

OP posts:
Eunorition · 20/07/2022 13:54

I'd have drop kicked the little shit into a pond by now. You're doing the right thing by leaving. I'm sure your friend can look forward to many years of where her weak-willed parenting will get her.

How she can't see it is beyond me. The kid needs a huge amount of discipline.

orbitalcrisis · 20/07/2022 13:55

It sounds like the mother mainly ignores him and that's why yes attacking your child, he actually gets attention from you and your baby is taking that away. I had this with a former friend's child.

BogRollBOGOF · 20/07/2022 13:59

Some 3 year olds can be bloody hard work, but parenting them is essential. DS1 had difficulty in adjusting to life with DS2 at 2.5. I'd have been mortified if DS1 had been rough with someone else's baby.

The change of routine and attention may well be a trigger for behaviour escalating, but that's no excuse for it being accepted with wet words. He needs to be temporarily removed and taught that it's dangerous to hurt baby.

You're doing the right thing going home as this child will not learn quickly because he's not being taught appropriate boundaries of behaviour and this is beyond your ability to protect your baby. It may well cost your friendship unless your friend has a big think, but it's not worth the risk of baby being hurt by a rough toddler and his ineffectual parent.

If she doesn't learn quickly, she's highly likely to regret it if she ends up with an unpopular, boisterous child who grows much bigger and stronger (and it will probably be school/ other children's fault 🙄 )

LookItsMeAgain · 20/07/2022 13:59

Do the other adults know that you're leaving and why?

RatherBeRiding · 20/07/2022 14:01

I wouldn't be the one leaving - I would have had a blazing row with the mother by now and demanded that either she control her child, or her and child bugger off back home so the rest of party could enjoy themselves.

But I have always been a tiger mother - anyone hurts or threatens my DC at their own bloody risk.

3luckystars · 20/07/2022 14:03

I have seen this many times. It’s not even that the 3 year old is acting this way, it’s that she is allowing it.

it really makes you reevaluate your friendship. I think you are right to go home. Good for you.

Her son is going to end up with no friends if she doesn’t set limits with him. It’s her choice.

lucylooareyou · 20/07/2022 14:08

Eunorition · 20/07/2022 13:54

I'd have drop kicked the little shit into a pond by now. You're doing the right thing by leaving. I'm sure your friend can look forward to many years of where her weak-willed parenting will get her.

How she can't see it is beyond me. The kid needs a huge amount of discipline.

I also vote to drop kick the little shit into a pond.

You are a much better person than me for staying calm, I would have fired ten tons of fuck's into that shoddy excuse for a 'mother'.

Well done for getting yourself and baby out of there x

3luckystars · 20/07/2022 14:08

And also, in all the times I have seen this, it wasn’t long before everyone got sick of the ‘lazy’ parent and moved away from them. Even family members started avoiding them.

Id say the other mothers will all want to leave by the end of the week, don’t doubt yourself.

FreyaStorm · 20/07/2022 14:12

YANBU.

He sounds like any other little boy whose parents refuse to parent properly. Sounds like ‘Sarah’ is raising a terror.

I’d be letting the friendship go as I can’t stand bratty children.

Good on you for protecting your baby!

Glitterspy · 20/07/2022 14:14

I wouldn’t say deliberately hurting a baby and throwing missiles at a mother and baby are “normal” 3 year old pushing boundaries type behaviours. If my 3 year old had done this I would have separated him, given him a rollicking let him know the consequences of his behaviour, and ensured he was well occupied next time he was within throwing distance of the baby, to distract him. Then praised him for his lovely calm responsible behaviour. I’m not perfect, far from it, but I know how to implement boundaries of behaviour and how to lay on praise when a change happens.

Screaming, crying yes - hanging and swinging on a car door, no. Being jealous of a new baby yes - trying to hurt the baby, no. It’s just not OK OP, you know that. Either your friend works this out pretty quick or they have to go home, not you.

Bunnygirl0 · 20/07/2022 14:16

Not unreasonable at all. Shame you have to go home early, she should be very apologetically leaving! I wouldn’t want to stay somewhere with other people if my
child was behaving like that!

Lochroy · 20/07/2022 14:18

Bloody hell. I often feel like I don't know how to make my 3yo behave but I wouldn't hesitate to physically remove them from the situation if they were throwing things at another radula or baby.

I wouldn't leave. I would be telling the other mum that if she can't control her children, she has to leave.

Lochroy · 20/07/2022 14:18

*adult

billy1966 · 20/07/2022 14:19

Absolutely not normal behaviour, just shit parenting.

How awful you have to leave, although you are right to.

Is she refunding you because she cannot parent her child?🙄

Very unfair.

Jaxhog · 20/07/2022 14:19

Wow! So HER son is being violent, and YOU are the one going home early!!!!

She needs to get a grip on his behaviour, or he won't last more than a day at nursery. Nurseries don't teach good behaviour - they expect parents to do that.

MeridianB · 20/07/2022 14:22

Respect to you for staying so calm, OP.

But I’m angry in your behalf that you’re the one having to leave.

i completely agree with the PPs who say the other two mothers should have discussed with a view to the lazy mother and her 3yo leaving, rather than you.

As it is, I understand your plan to leave and if none of them try to stop you then I’d find it hard to remain friends with any of them.

mydogisthebest · 20/07/2022 14:22

She should be the one going home and taking her spoilt brat with her.

I certainly would not be giving up my holiday because she is a useless mother

Blanketpolicy · 20/07/2022 14:23

Even perfectly parented 3 year olds can be little horrors impulsive or behave badly. This isn't your problem, your problem is the mums lack of intervention, or even caring.

tbh I would have firmly chastised the child myself. I would have removed him physically from my car door if he was likely to damage it, or away from my baby, if the mother was doing nothing.

You need to work out together how to stop the 3 year old hurting the baby. Tag team to have them separate, have someone in between them, or very closely supervised and don't drop it if she doesn't engage. I wouldn't be leaving, I would be asking her over and over what she is going to do about it until I had a satisfactory answer.

ChaToilLeam · 20/07/2022 14:23

What a wet lettuce of a parent your friend is. A great shame that has spoiled your holiday. If she doesn’t reel her child in, he’s going to be even more of a problem as he gets bigger and stronger.

LongBlobson · 20/07/2022 14:27

3luckystars

I have seen this many times. It’s not even that the 3 year old is acting this way, it’s that she is allowing it.

This.

I had v similar with a friend. She was so gentle and patient and a lovely person as a friend, but totally unable to set boundaries with her child at that age. I had to stop seeing her as I was having to intervene to protect my children. The mum was doing nothing apart from saying 'don't do that', in a pleading tone. Her 3yo got to the point where she was looking me in the eye as she smacked my baby, swiped a toy from them, or pushed my toddler over.

My kids really pushed boundaries at that age - lots of tantrums, snatching, screaming, all sorts. Some children are more challenging than others for sure. They grow out of it and generally turn out lovely. But as a parent you have to know your child and intervene swiftly/physically remove them if necessary.

Starlight86 · 20/07/2022 14:28

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Lalliella · 20/07/2022 14:33

Wow OP YANBU at all. He sounds horrific. And she sounds like a complete drip. It’s a shame you have to leave though. Do the other mums know why you’re going? Could you not sit down and talk to Sarah calmly and ask her to control him better?

LeoOliver · 20/07/2022 14:35

This is unacceptable. Children are children, however, your friend should have intervened in those situations.

greatblueheron · 20/07/2022 14:36

None of mine would have done this to a baby at 3. None. And if they had, I would have immediately put a stop to it, not been outraged that my child was being criticised for it.

Your friend is not doing a good parenting job and needs to start saying 'no' to her child and physically removing them from situations where they aren't listening to 'no.

Dogtooth · 20/07/2022 14:37

I have a certain amount of sympathy for your friend because being on holiday with a 3 yo who decides to play up is not fun, especially when it's hot and you don't get enough sleep etc - BUT that's the way the cookie crumbles, she should be coming down on him much harder.

I have a 3 yo, I would come down on him like a ton of bricks for this and attach an unpleasant consequence every time.

Going home early sounds a bit drastic though, can't you just try to stay separate from them?