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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH obsessively closes windows all year round. AIBU to be annoyed about it?

145 replies

SomeLikeItWhat · 20/07/2022 09:52

This is non-heat wave specific. This is a year-round problem.

DH is obsessed with shutting all windows and doors. As soon as I walk through a room, he is trying to shut the door behind me and gets grumpy if I say how weird it is. Saying about conserving heat blah blah blah.

Even this morning - when we finally we got some more cool air outside, I went to open our big back doors onto the garden and he said - "Oh the air is a little cool, let's just keep them shut and the house will cool down naturally throughout the day" (The house is still 30 degrees this morning)

WHAT???

If I open a window, he closes it. It feels infuriating. He says our house is cold and I'm being weird.

I mean - it's really bloody annoying but I guess he has the same right to have it all closed as I do - but this morning was evidence I think that this is psychological rather than him being cold.

He's quite anxious and can have depression - and I think it may be related. It feels like he's trying to keep us all in somehow.

Anyone ever had this with a partner? And am I stretching it somewhat to think closing windows is about mental health??!

OP posts:
SpindleInTheWind · 20/07/2022 09:58

I agree that it sounds like very anxious behaviour, whether he’s really worried about the temperature or not, or being burgled or whatever, or cats coming in.

Regardless of the reasons, his need to control the exit and ingress points of my home is something I couldn’t live with. His needs would make me miserable and that’s no way to live.

Original poster
SomeLikeItWhat · 20/07/2022 10:46

It does make me miserable.

I mean logically he just says 'I'm only shutting a couple of windows - chill out' and I can see what he means. Seems a small problem. But there is something so maddening about every time you open a window, you see it closed 5 mins later. Makes me feel claustrophobic.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 20/07/2022 10:51

Today would be an ideal day to have all windows open. Having them shut will trap the heat and it will take a longer to cool down

Soubriquet · 20/07/2022 10:52

Reply back to him “I’m only opening a couple of windows. Chill out”

see how he likes it

SunnyKlara · 20/07/2022 10:53

SomeLikeItWhat · 20/07/2022 10:46

It does make me miserable.

I mean logically he just says 'I'm only shutting a couple of windows - chill out' and I can see what he means. Seems a small problem. But there is something so maddening about every time you open a window, you see it closed 5 mins later. Makes me feel claustrophobic.

What does he say if your response is "and I'm only opening a few windows, chill out"?

Quartz2208 · 20/07/2022 10:55

I could not live like that - windows being open and fresh air coming in is a must (I did shut them for the last two days though).

You being miserable is a big deal - why does he get to decide?

SweatyAndGrumpy · 20/07/2022 10:56

No advice, OP, but this would drive me crazy.

If I am in and it's warmer than 10c outside then at least one window is open. Once it gets to 18c+ then almost all windows are open, 24*7 (unless I go out and leave the house empty).

Not have fresh air blowing through the house would make me very miserable too.

CuriousCatfish · 20/07/2022 10:58

I couldn't wait to open my windows today.

Is your DP getting any help with his anxiety?

Topgub · 20/07/2022 11:00

We often have window wars and heating wars

Although dh doesn't sound as bad as yours.

I dont engage with dh about it though. I just do what I want, if he undoes it I redo it.

Lunadreamer · 20/07/2022 11:01

It is totally about MN, anxiety and controlling situations that you can. My DM is like this. I believe she has undiagnosed ASD. (My DS has diagnosed autism and has very similar behaviours). I remember my DGM was a bit weird about stuff like this and would always close the blinds when having a meal.

I'm the opposite now I have my own home and have my windows open all day every day!

Original poster
SomeLikeItWhat · 20/07/2022 11:06

@Lunadreamer There is definitely something about the way it distracts him - the way he says 'oh shut the door' before I've even gone through it. I mean - it's really too much to handle. So it doesn't just feel like a preference.

Do you mention it to you DM?

The problem is of course, that if I try to say it's pretty extreme and unlivable with - he just says 'we live in a drafty house, shutting doors and windows is common sense, why are you making this into a big deal' and if i dare talk about MH - well, he think's I'm totally off my rocker - "You think me wanting to keep the house safe and warm is about mental health??"

I can't seem to make any progress with it all.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 20/07/2022 11:07

Tell him to get over it and that you’re not going to fester with no fresh air, end of.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/07/2022 11:09

SomeLikeItWhat · 20/07/2022 11:06

@Lunadreamer There is definitely something about the way it distracts him - the way he says 'oh shut the door' before I've even gone through it. I mean - it's really too much to handle. So it doesn't just feel like a preference.

Do you mention it to you DM?

The problem is of course, that if I try to say it's pretty extreme and unlivable with - he just says 'we live in a drafty house, shutting doors and windows is common sense, why are you making this into a big deal' and if i dare talk about MH - well, he think's I'm totally off my rocker - "You think me wanting to keep the house safe and warm is about mental health??"

I can't seem to make any progress with it all.

“and if i dare talk about MH - well, he think's I'm totally off my rocker - "You think me wanting to keep the house safe and warm is about mental health??"”

a) it already is warm. His house will be warm. Maybe too warm.

b) safe from what?!

I couldn’t be doing with this

Mymincepie · 20/07/2022 11:12

Is he scared of spiders coming in?

11Hawkins · 20/07/2022 11:13

Keeping the house safe? That's when you need to turn round and say "safe from what?" Fair enough having the front door locked, but the doors in the actual rooms and windows is ridiculous. Nobodies going to climb through the windows and rob you while your in.
Clearly it is his mental health at play here. His behaviour is irrational, wanting to keep warm in a heatwave I mean seriously?
He needs to have therapy op. You need to encourage it. What does his family think of his behaviour?

FinallyHere · 20/07/2022 11:15

Soubriquet · 20/07/2022 10:52

Reply back to him “I’m only opening a couple of windows. Chill out”

see how he likes it

This.

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 20/07/2022 11:16

One of the reasons I knew our relationship was off to a good start in the beginning- we both like the bedroom window open all year round and really don't appreciate central heating! He/i would be long gone in your shoes op!

TrickorTreacle · 20/07/2022 11:17

OP, is this what you signed up for when you got together with your 'D'H?

I would give him an ultimatum.

"It's Summer time. Stop pissing about with the windows after me or you can pack your bags."

Cookiedough123 · 20/07/2022 11:19

My boyfriend is like this and he openly admits it's his anxiety. I've found I've just accepted him for the way he is and realise he can't help it. He's got much better as sometimes he just needs a little reassurance that nobody will break in etc but he does it with other things like checking his car and doors and windows are all locked in a certain way. I've learnt to ignore it!

user1492757084 · 20/07/2022 11:20

You need to voice your wish to have windows open. It is unreasonable that you can not open a window and have it open all day and night if you so wish. It is best for air quality. (Covid transmission etc.) You can have control of some windows while your husband has control of some, if you can't easily reach an agreement.

MasterBeth · 20/07/2022 11:20

TrickorTreacle · 20/07/2022 11:17

OP, is this what you signed up for when you got together with your 'D'H?

I would give him an ultimatum.

"It's Summer time. Stop pissing about with the windows after me or you can pack your bags."

What a ridiculous thing to say!

It seems he has a problem. Husbands and wives should deal with problems, not abandon ship at the first sign of one.

ThreeLittleDots · 20/07/2022 11:21

I would encourage him to make an appointment with his GP.

Cookiecupcake · 20/07/2022 11:22

I absolutely hate flies coming in so don't open windows unless warm really and will close the downstairs front room if my kids are in there and I need to go upstairs for more then 5 minutes just in case someone tries to get in or they try to get out as it leads onto a road. That's probably anxious behaviour but I open them up as soon as I am back again.

But on a week like this I couldn't survive without letting some air in

SpindleInTheWind · 20/07/2022 11:23

So he has a fear (or noticeable concern) about something(s) or someone coming into to the house?

How far back does this go?

catfunk · 20/07/2022 11:23

Why is his preference of having windows closed overriding your need for fresh air ?

I could live in a festering house with no air flow, bet it smells grim.

Why don't you show him the temp inside and outside to show you need to let cool air in for the house to cool down?