DH obsessively closes windows all year round. AIBU to be annoyed about it?

[SomeLikeItWhat]

This is non-heat wave specific. This is a year-round problem.

DH is obsessed with shutting all windows and doors. As soon as I walk through a room, he is trying to shut the door behind me and gets grumpy if I say how weird it is. Saying about conserving heat blah blah blah.

Even this morning - when we finally we got some more cool air outside, I went to open our big back doors onto the garden and he said - "Oh the air is a little cool, let's just keep them shut and the house will cool down naturally throughout the day" (The house is still 30 degrees this morning)

WHAT???

If I open a window, he closes it. It feels infuriating. He says our house is cold and I'm being weird.

I mean - it's really bloody annoying but I guess he has the same right to have it all closed as I do - but this morning was evidence I think that this is psychological rather than him being cold.

He's quite anxious and can have depression - and I think it may be related. It feels like he's trying to keep us all in somehow.

Anyone ever had this with a partner? And am I stretching it somewhat to think closing windows is about mental health??!

Our windows are always shut,but we do have mechanical heat recovery & ventilation, very nice in the winter,

HE needs help. Proper help. If he doesn't get it, you can certainly free yourself & DS from living like this.

He could exist in a tiny dark airless flat & you and DS could live in a nice house, with fresh air and you can use as much, or as little, paper towel as you see fit!

his behaviour & attitude is just going to keep dragging you down until you start doubting yourself. None of this is good for your DS- he deserves better! So do you!!

One thing is clear OP; this isn't about the windows. You're feeling stifled. I would too, in your situation. So the question is - what, realistically, can you do about it?

Sounds v similar to my partner who is a worrier and also has misophonia - extreme emotional reactiveness to certain sounds. He hates having the windows open because he can hear the noise other people make but can't control it. Goes absolutely INSANE when there's a fly or something in the house because the buzzing drives him spare - we saw Man Vs Bee on Netflix recently and he had to laugh because he acknowledged that absolutely would be him.

He is also very uptight about money and economic use of resources, even though we're in a fine place financially - frets about the bills, checks the bank balance at least daily, has a weekly, monthly, annual, five-yearly and lifetime spreadsheet for our family finances. He's had some counselling and CBT. One of the things he practically took from that was not making lists - he thought the lists (he always had LOADS on the go) were making him feel in control but actually they just solidified his general anxiety and made him feel overwhelmed.

It's bloody hard to live with (although it's the opposite of what many MNetters complain about, I have very little mental load as he is obsessively across everything like shopping and laundry to make sure it's optimised). It makes me stressed where I wouldn't be stressed, e.g. if the neighbours put some music on in their garden I wouldn't give a shit but now my shoulders go up as I know he'll be SO SO bothered. It ruins so many nice times (just got back from holiday, very rural location but the next door neighbours had kids who - shock horror - played in the garden in the evenings. His irritation with this nothing thing just spoils it for me as my personal mental health issue is I can't relax when I know someone else is unhappy.

I have quietly Google-diagnosed him with some form of ASD, anxiety and/or possibly Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. But then again i have a lot of issues myself so can't judge.

Long ramble just to get to the point: I feel you OP, you're not being unreasonable, and it's a bloody nightmare sometimes!

I always have windows open - all the way, sometimes every window in the house.
in 17 years I can safely say not even my own cats have jumped through one and I've certainly never haD a bird come in.
your Dh is being ridiculous !

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen - That sounds so so hard. And overwhelming for you. Do you feel you don't have a say over anything?

My DH is quite different in the sense that he obsesses over certain things - windows, the shopping list, the heating bill. But he stays away from most stuff as he just says it makes him too anxious - so DC appointments, nursery fees, mortgage, bills, DIY all falls to me. And I let that happen. Because to be honest - he can lecture me for so so long about the shopping list that week I couldn't bear to think what it would be like if he as involved in all of it.

I used to know somebody exactly like this, I feel your pain OP

It gets worse with every post you make, OP.

So, you're doing all the life admin while he ninnies around the place whining about what you're spending, whether there's an insect anywhere near, how much kitchen roll you're using, and he doesn't even work full time.

It sounds so sapping OP, he needs to take responsibility for himself and sort out his mental health, he's dragging you down terribly.

Yes, but we have vastly different temp preferences. DP loves tem over 30 degrees, and I hate them, I love winter.

He would happily keep windows shut all year, I would happily have them open all year. I just open them as much as I can when he's not there to tell me not to, and he can close them if he's really that cold.

So, when I wake up in the morning and I in the bathroom, I will open the window, no matter the temperature, because I need air circulation and I like to feel on the cool side. If he goes in there after me and says it's fucking cold, tough.

If he puts the heating on and I get too hot, I go to the bedroom and open a the windows and cool down in there.

This isn’t about the temperature

Do you think the refusal to consider a holiday is actually him not being able to cope with the thought of going, rather than cost?

He sounds like my ex-h. In the space of 15 years he went from being a normal fun young man with ideas, ambition and hopes, to the most boring obsessive person imaginable. Obsessed with not spending money on food, heating, anything fun, no holidays. We had a combined income of 120K and no mortgage, and yet I lived wrapped up in a blanket to save on heating.

I hope he's happy without me

@Polimolly sounds so so similar. Did you leave him? Did he ever understand how he had changed?

We got divorced in the end. In hindsight, I can clearly see that the changes started after our child was born. The extra responsibility increased the anxiety, which he had been keeping under control all his life. Once he started letting his "quirks" come out, they took over his life

Occasionally he could see that his obsession was not normal, but more often than not, he put the blame on me

Wow! Was there a reason for the personality change ? You should have been living the highlife.

Ignore that, I missed your post about your child being born.

@userxx, I can only assume it was a long episode of depression and anxiety, maybe a childhood trauma, which then came back when our own child was born.

It was very upsetting. We were well off. Both our jobs paid really well, and yet I was having to hide the smallest purchases, buy the cheapest food in the supermarket and only ever go on holidays to visit family.

After I got divorced, I took my child on a 4 week holiday to the other side of the world, to make up for all the lost years

It sound like his mum drilled it into him as a child. And it makes him anxious because of it.

Why don't you compromise and have the windows only half open?

A friend of mine had a DH obsessed with keeping windows and doors closed 'for security' - they lived in a ground floor flat. He didn't allow her to hang washing on the line outside in case it got stolen so everything had to be dried in a tiny flat with no ventilation. The place stank of damp, he didn't like clothes horses so used to spread wet towels and bed linen out on the sofa to dry. They had to get a dehumidifier because of the damp. My friend suffered really bad asthma and was dependent on her inhaler. I remember unpacking my overnight bag after a stay at their house and my unworn clothes had to be washed because of the damp smell.

She left him in the end and the difference in her asthma was so dramatic. She took up running when she could barely walk 100m before. I still remember that miserable life she led, stuck in a damp smelly flat.