DH obsessively closes windows all year round. AIBU to be annoyed about it?

[SomeLikeItWhat]

This is non-heat wave specific. This is a year-round problem.

DH is obsessed with shutting all windows and doors. As soon as I walk through a room, he is trying to shut the door behind me and gets grumpy if I say how weird it is. Saying about conserving heat blah blah blah.

Even this morning - when we finally we got some more cool air outside, I went to open our big back doors onto the garden and he said - "Oh the air is a little cool, let's just keep them shut and the house will cool down naturally throughout the day" (The house is still 30 degrees this morning)

WHAT???

If I open a window, he closes it. It feels infuriating. He says our house is cold and I'm being weird.

I mean - it's really bloody annoying but I guess he has the same right to have it all closed as I do - but this morning was evidence I think that this is psychological rather than him being cold.

He's quite anxious and can have depression - and I think it may be related. It feels like he's trying to keep us all in somehow.

Anyone ever had this with a partner? And am I stretching it somewhat to think closing windows is about mental health??!

@MurderAtTheBeautyPageant Imagine...trying to fall asleep in a room with all the windows shut and listening to the whiney voice of Ben Shapiro spouting nonsense coming out of your partner's phone while you're trying to sleep

THIS IS MY LIFE.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Are you in a position where you could afford things like a holiday?

I absolutely literally could not live with this. If someone kept shutting me down about a topic the way your DH is doing to you, I couldn’t live with that either.

i am very claustrophobic and even reading this makes me claustrophobic. I can’t cope with all the doors shut - I like the doors open unless there’s a reason for it - like at night or when I’m in my “office” working.

I wouldn’t want the kitchen door shut when I’m cooking or sitting room door shut when relaxing.

i love an open window. Both at night and during the day. It’s much better for the house to get some air through it too.

Oh and someone else controlling the doors and windows would drive me potty - much more so than the fact of them being shut in itself

@ApplesandBunions - Not a 2 week holiday to the Maldives, but a week in France or something - yes. I get that taking 3 year old twins on holiday isn't a walk in the park..is is really worth the money when they don't really care...but I feel stuck at home all the time. Haven't been away since 2018. I know there are bigger problems in the world but guess all adds up to me feeling a bit trapped.

Sounds really difficult OP. Anxiety, whatever its cause, does make people very controlling. Also the meal thing, are you short of money? Do you do it to him? I think he needs to see the GP.

If your house was 30C you'd surely want it to cool as quickly as possible so what he said doesn't actually make sense (it cooling naturally over the day/a few hours). Is he unwell and feeling the cold or is it related to saving energy and money, that has somehow gotten misconstrued or out of hand (at 30C you really don't want to be keeping heat in and surely you won't need to put any heat on for weeks - depending on where you are of course).

If he's listening to US right wing nutters, that would affect his mental health.
Increased fear, paranoia, the government and liberals are out to get him, and so on.

It sounds miserable. Why are you with him?

If it weren’t for your updates I’d have asked if his initials were TC. My ex boyfriend was like this, he wouldn’t even let me have a window open if he wasn’t in the room in question, in case he wanted to be in the room in future and the air/a chill had got in. I’d be lying on the bed with a lovely breeze going and he’d come in, announce, “You don’t need that open, don’t worry, I’ll just do it”, close it, lock it, bugger off again. So miserable. Houses need air! Part of the horribleness of the heatwave was that the windows had to be closed to keep the heat out and there was no relief; the joy unconfined when it rained and the temp dropped and I could air the house!

My exh was like that about kitchen roll! Maddening when you’ve got a little one.

He would say “use a sponge” or “use a mop” if it as on the floor. I’m quite happy to do that as well afterwards if it’s something sticky - and often do now I’m on my own with the kids (which is bliss btw) - but you can’t dry up liquid with more liquid!

I just wondered as he says your house is cold butthe more I read the more that sounds like a cover for something. It sounds like he feels more secure with everything shut up. I agree with you, it's more healthy for things to be open and fresh air to get in. I agree with the poster who said that maybe you could take him on a night out (or meal out) and have a few drinks and see if he relaxes and goes back to the old him. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds stifling and if someone followed me around doing that it actually wouldn't be the windows that bthered me, it would be the control issue.

Do you have access to your own funds op?
I would be buying my own roll of kitchen roll to make him watch me use it how I liked....
If you haven't you need to change that ASAP.

Is the household more prone to illnesses because its not being aired? I love opening the windows to get some fresh air circulating.

It’s not all about the twins though is it

they might not be bothered but you are

you deserve a holiday

Mine opens them all year, perhaps we can swap?

Exactly, and there are plenty of inexpensive 3 year old friendly holidays to be had in the UK. A few days at a caravan park in term time shouldn't rush you more than a couple of hundred if that's his concern.

If he's going to listen to that Ben Shapiro shit, he needs to invest in a pair of headphones or ear buds. It's inconsiderate to have something on that one's partner doesn't want to hear. Bluetooth headphones are cheap.

My dad went through something similar when he was about 10 yrs away from retirement. Complete with long explanations of why store brands were better. I agreed with him (as did my mom) but the lecturing behaviour was very annoying, as if he'd just discovered that life is expensive and had to tell us all.

I do wonder if this is a sign of something bigger mh-wise that needs looking after. Is he worried about his job or your family income? He might have good reasons for being worried, but needs to learn healthy ways to express and act on those worries. The eating the same thing repetitively and other stuff might also hint at some anxiety or at least anxiousness.

(Obviously no one in this thread is a professional afaik and we shouldn't toss around diagnoses. But any big change in behaviour is worth examining and understanding.)

It sounds like he's being very tight about money but a few private therapy appts a month could make a huge difference. Even if he doesn't have anxiety or something similar, a temporary outlet for understanding his worries could be well worth it.

Because houses need fresh air!

and why should 'closed' get their way??

@SomeLikeItWhat

I couldn't live with a window & door shutter!

my bedroom windows are open 24/7 unless I'm away on holiday (I close them to narrower openings in winter, but they're still
open)

my front door is open from
when I get up until I go to bed (unless I'm home alone & I close it when
I go in the shower) it's a small open house & I can see it from everywhere except the bedrooms/bathroom. It's also on a fairly private lane)

I love having the skylight open, I usually open it when I'm in the shower (it's in the bathroom) as it's like showering outside😀. But due to the unpredictable weather, I sometimes close it after my shower.

when I renovated I opted not to have the new doors hung in most rooms, I like the open flow.

my great Aunt thinks having the windows wide open isn't 'proper' so hers are only ever open 'a crack'.

my bf thinks it's odd to have them all open, especially the door, it makes him uncomfortable, sometimes I shut the door, sometimes he just has to live with it, or piss off home where he sits in the muggy lounge, whining about it being too hot 🙄🙄

this is only one of many reasons we won't ever live together

if I were you DH. Would have to go & talk to someone until he stopped insisting on being locked up like Fort Knox or we'd need to go our own ways, I'd feel claustrophobic with him shutting everything (as well as majorly pissed off!!)

If an open window person lives with a closed window person then the only fair solution is compromise.

My DH is the same. To be fair to him, our house is very cold - we both WFH in temperatures of around 17 degrees in
winter - but a house needs airing. He refuses to let me open any window between September-May as he feels cold. He sits in the living room wearing two jumpers and a woolly hat moaning about being cold whilst our house doesn’t get aired at all during my those months.

OP your post about the way your husband reacts to outside noise resonated with me, as my DH has the same thing. He's very very bothered (stressed) by noises beyond his control that don't even register on my consciousness. He can't bear the noise of other people eating (I know this is a recognised issue - misophonia, and I sympathise and also don't like to hear loud breathing sounds, but not bothered to the same extent as him) but outside noises if they're regular (so not just a car driving past, but most other sounds) of other people really stress him out.

@Prometheus - Ah - exactly the same. He will wear thermals in April, complaining about how cold it is etc

But my Dh does this. Opens windows all the time. Dd and l hate it, there’s always a horrible draught sneaking round you. ( present weather excepted)

We both close them as soon as he opens them. Why should your need to open windows trump his desire to keep them closed,? And even more, hiw is this indicative of depression?!

I've been having a battle with ds because he keeps on shutting our bathroom window every time he goes in, it's still too hot to be doing this.