DH obsessively closes windows all year round. AIBU to be annoyed about it?

[SomeLikeItWhat]

This is non-heat wave specific. This is a year-round problem.

DH is obsessed with shutting all windows and doors. As soon as I walk through a room, he is trying to shut the door behind me and gets grumpy if I say how weird it is. Saying about conserving heat blah blah blah.

Even this morning - when we finally we got some more cool air outside, I went to open our big back doors onto the garden and he said - "Oh the air is a little cool, let's just keep them shut and the house will cool down naturally throughout the day" (The house is still 30 degrees this morning)

WHAT???

If I open a window, he closes it. It feels infuriating. He says our house is cold and I'm being weird.

I mean - it's really bloody annoying but I guess he has the same right to have it all closed as I do - but this morning was evidence I think that this is psychological rather than him being cold.

He's quite anxious and can have depression - and I think it may be related. It feels like he's trying to keep us all in somehow.

Anyone ever had this with a partner? And am I stretching it somewhat to think closing windows is about mental health??!

I've had similar aggravation with my DH in the past and my response was always "stop telling me what to do in my own home".

All these weird controlling men must love living in stinky houses

You're definitely not weird . He is .. I could not be doing with that.. I have my Windows open all year round to let fresh air in .. I couldn't live in a shut up home

i am obviously in the minority as i hate windows and doors open too - husband opens them and i shut them. i find it lets flies/moths in, and he has a terrible habit of leaving windows open and going out/going to bed which i feel is very insecure. not sure why one persons desire for open windows trumps another’s for closed ones

I think from what the OP says, he would turn that suggestion back on her.

And therein lies the real problem - refusal to communicate or recognise that his behaviour is annoyingly rigid and unpleasant for his own wife.

Have you tried asking what compromise each of you could make?
You are on different pages, neither is particularly "wrong" but both should be able to work together and discuss what a compromise might look like?

@Allywill

because the air gets stale if you never open your windows

it’s just common sense

But that's not what the OP is saying is happening, @Allywill - she's describing a much more extreme version of that and he won't talk about it properly. It's the OTT element of his behaviour and intransigence that's bothering her, not a reasonably expressed concern about a tangible risk.

And I agree with you, your husband shouldn't be leaving windowns open and going out without checking with you. Silly really.

DS hates his window being opened out of fear of his things falling/ blowing out (I had to retrieve some pictures from the garden when he was about 4) and fear of insects getting in.
Fortunately I can air his room while he's at school.

While I was meticulously keeping the hot air out in the past two days, the house is getting a thourough airing today. It's not much fresher outside, but if I leave the windows shut the house is basically in storage heater mode from absorbing 40⁰C heat yesterday and would warm itself up.

Obsessively keeping windows shut and never tolerating them open is not healthy behaviour. Houses need to air and that level of fixation is indicative of an anxiety or neurodiversity issue. I wonder if it's anxiety based (i.e. no other unusal behaviours) whether something like hypnotherapy could work; I've seen it have productive results on a phobia of insects, and this seems like a similar level of phobia/ aversion.

I think I'm struggling because logically he's right - not at the moment of course - at the moment's it's actually crazy which is why I'm starting to think it's MH - but generally he is right that we have a high heating bill, a drafty old house, etc but it's the obsessive nature of it - jumping up to shut a door when I'm literally coming into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

I really like fresh air. I feel trapped I think.

He has other obsessive behaviours - like with kitchen roll

"Only use one sheet. It's expensive"

Imagine how infuriating that is to hear every time i need to clear up a mess our twin DS has made (they are pre-school age).

Again, if I say 'give it a rest' - he says 'Urm, just trying to save us money, and you often use more than you need. I'm not being grumpy, just reminding you'

And then if I say 'you don't need to remind me every time' - he starts banging on about 'cost of living, trying to keep costs down, blah blah'

Honestly - I just want to shout "oh do fuck off" at him. But then it would be me being unreasonable - as he's just being careful - but it feels so stifling. Just leave me alone. Let me bloody breathe.

i don’t agree. the windows are vented at the top and the vents are always open. we have air bricks built into the house and extractor fans vented to the outside in the kitchen and all bathrooms/cloakrooms. also door are opened as people go in and out all through the day - it’s not a sealed environment. he mutters about “not being able to breathe” but he obviously can or else he wouldn’t be able to speak! in all seriousness as said above it need compromise. for example we generally have the window open in the bedroom until he falls asleep then i close it. i really dislike draughts and the noise from outside and i would like my preference to be respected as well.

@Allywill "not sure why one persons desire for open windows trumps another’s for closed ones"

That is why my DH says too. And I don't really have an answer to that. So we are at a stalemate.

I have to have the back door open in the summer or I feel claustrophobic.I like the windows open to air the house out.That would drive me mad!

i couldn't live with this. I have windows open all year round, and now I'm an elderly lady I'm permanently boiling anyway. Closed windows would finish me off.

@SomeLikeItWhat

So he has an obsessive, annoying personality. Yet you still married and had kids with him and you even think a lot of what he says is right.

So what exactly do you expect to happen?

He's not going to change, so you either leave or find different ways to cope with it.

Either shout at him and tell him to fuck off every time he does it. Or ignore him and do what you like any way.

Use 10 sheets of kitchen roll. Use 20. Open every window and door every time he shuts one.

Ignore any comments he makes

I know this sounds dramatic, but I would have to divorce him. Thankfully I am married to an equally obsessive opener of windows. Our bedroom window is open all year round at night and I love it.

Mine closes windows after I've opened them. Especially annoying is the bathroom window which I open to let the steam out after a shower, but he'll immediately close it! He'll even close the door, therefore trapping the steam in completely. He also locks the front door on a morning if he goes out before the rest of us, which is totally unnecessary, and very probably linked to MH. I do open the windows again. Not sure what the solution is for you, OP. Mine is to make him an exH (obviously not just for that reason alone...)

I'm a bit of a nightmare for closing windows because I'm scared of spiders. Every single window was open last night because even I know it's madness to trap this heat in the house.

I mean logically he just says 'I'm only shutting a couple of windows - chill out'

Surely you tell him 'I'm only opening a couple of windows, chill out. It's hot' ?

He sounds quite controlling, you say you feel miserable. If he won't change, leave him.

Nope not dramatic at all! I am the same - even in the coldest of cold I need the the window open.

The past two days were odd for me (because then it made sense)

The idea of being in a quarantine hotel and not being able to even open a window for that length of time terrifies me

@Allywill "he mutters about “not being able to breathe” but he obviously can or else he wouldn’t be able to speak!"

Oh dear - I really sound like I'm your DH. I feel like I can't breathe. And probably to me DH I sound like the one with anxiety problems. Feeling like I can't breathe because the windows are shut, when obviously I can.

My DH also hates the outside noise. We spent money we didn't have on secondary glazing to reduce the noise - even though it's really not bad at all. A car goes past outside, and it seems to affect him in a way it doesn't to me - he bristles.

He thinks I'm weird that it doesn't bother me.

@Topgub "So he has an obsessive, annoying personality. Yet you still married and had kids with him and you even think a lot of what he says is right."

He wasn't always like this. When we first met - all we did is have a good time. Drinking, partying, holidays. He was actually known as being laid back.

Then we moved out the city. Got older. Got a mortgage. Had kids. Then covid. And now he's unrecognisable. Wants to eat the same meals. Shouts at the news on TV. Complains about "young people" all the time.

And shuts every bloody window in the house. At christmas - he tried to persuade me to not put presents under the tree in case someone saw it from outside and robbed us.

I mean.....does my head in. But maybe I'm being unkind.

OP, I would lose my shit if I were in your position. His mental health issues are causing you problems and issues. I would sit him down and tell him he needs to see someone about these obsessions he has. Either go to the GP or speak to someone privately but talk he must. If he refuses to engage then I honestly think I would be packing his bags and telling him to find a bolt hole which can accommodate all of his needs.

I am not normally in favour of ultimatums but thinking about the weather we have recently had, there is no way I could have had windows and doors shut. He clearly has MH issues and if he won’t face them then you OP shouldn’t have to live like this.

It sounds like your current mindset is more adversarial than compromising OP. Is that a fair observation?

He sounds suffocating and the obsession with shutting doors and windows is a physical manifestation of that. I absolutely couldn't stand it either OP and my mental health is robust as is my attitude to risk management. It's not you. It's him.