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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn up at his house?

115 replies

staincross · 19/07/2022 20:07

Okay, I know I am probably BU but I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

ExDP and I split up but were still seeing each other, sleeping together, acting like we were together etc. and he was consistently begging for me back, telling me how much he loves me etc. It seemed like we were moving back to a relationship.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had said I would almost certainly terminate if it was very early on but that I wasn't 100% certain on that.

I found out I was pregnant and it was a massive shock. He didn't ask if I was ok, the first thing he said was that I need to book in for an abortion.

Two days later he said if I keep the baby he will have nothing to do with me or the baby and will not be in our lives. His mum then proceeded to send me a paragraph detailing why it was "preferable" I have an abortion and then blocked me on every platform, so did his dad and sister (all of whom he lives with).

I didn't hear from him a month. He then said he "needs" to know what I'm doing that that he didn't actually mean what he said.

He said that he said he'd abandon the baby and I and didn't speak to me for a month as he was hoping it would force and manipulate me into having an abortion.

He tried to coerce me into having an abortion, didn't he?

His parents were in on it too and cut contact to leave me feeling I had no choice but to terminate.

I refused to tell him if I was still pregnant or not.

I want to turn up at his house and give them all a piece of my mind. I am so cross, hurt and do betrayed. I'm not sure how I will move past this.

Is what they have done wrong, or am I BU? I can't think straight anymore.

OP posts:
Thehop · 19/07/2022 20:09

YANBU to think they’re twats, but don’t go there please.

stay away, block them all and live your life.

Original poster
staincross · 19/07/2022 20:10

I should have added that he said his mum wanted to set up a meeting with me but he told her not to.

OP posts:
KeyboardWarriorsUnite · 19/07/2022 20:11

Block, ignore the whole lot of them, and mine on with your life without him.

Honestly, you don't need people that behave like that in your life. You have nothing to gain by going to their house. Don't let them see how much they've affected you. Silence is a much stronger message.

I wish you all the best going forward.

HangOnToYourself · 19/07/2022 20:11

What an utter bunch of cunts. I'm so sorry they put you through that, a decent person. Would have supported you both matter what. Please never get back with this man he has shown you who he really is. I hope whatever decision you made you are happy with and have the support you need

LIZS · 19/07/2022 20:11

Have you posted about this before? You need to detach yourself from him. He and his mother are toxic and undeserving of your dc.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 19/07/2022 20:12

Turning up at their house won't achieve anything.

thenewduchessoflapland · 19/07/2022 20:13

You are definitely better off within these awful people in your life.Imagine if you hadn't had a termination;you'd be tied to them for the next 18 years.Leave them behind in the past and look forward to a brighter future.

Original poster
staincross · 19/07/2022 20:14

Thank you. I'm just so cross and feel I have so much to say.

No I haven't posted about this before.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 19/07/2022 20:14

Don’t turn up there. Please.

It sounds as if you are in quite a vulnerable state at the moment. Turning up to give someone a piece of your mind will probably only make you feel worse.

These people are obviously not nice. They have never, and will never have your best interests at heart.

It’s hard to tell from your OP that you are still pregnant or not (it’s none of our business) but please seek out counselling/therapy/speak to your GP.

If he is an ex, leave him as an ex. You will be better off without him and his family x

Pompom2367 · 19/07/2022 20:16

Op I would leave it alone especially if your still pregnant you don't need the stress

Original poster
staincross · 19/07/2022 20:27

I'm not sure how I am going to get through this tbh.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 19/07/2022 20:32

Do you have people you can confide in, in person OP? Friends and family? 💐

WinterMusings · 19/07/2022 20:40

(((HUG)))

you are stronger than you think! You can get through this...we'll help!!

block all of them on everything. NONE of them have your best interest at heart.

Did you have the termination?

Do you have any family/friends that are totally yours and not connected to him?

what's your living/work situation??

LilyMarshall · 19/07/2022 20:48

How old are you both? Are you both working? Im trying to work out what the situation would be.

Sittingonabench · 19/07/2022 20:48

The best thing you can do is withhold information - that leaves them all in limbo and unable to plan. It also sets boundaries and shows them manipulation won’t work. I think it will take a long time for you to cool off and I don’t think you’ll get over it but if in 6 months you are cooler I would write a letter detailing how he attempted to coerce you and got his family in on it. How despicable it is to play with a life like that etc. that may be joined with a claim for child maintenance or it may not but either way a big FU

TheWeeDonkey · 19/07/2022 20:49

Oh love. He and his family are toxic, cut them out of your life. They have nothing positive to offer you.
Try to get some support to help you though this. You can do it but you don't have to do it alone

LIZS · 19/07/2022 20:55

Find other sources of support - family, friends, the Freedom Programme, gp etc. Do you work?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 19/07/2022 23:28

Dont. He could hurt you... or try and force an abortion by hurting you.

howshouldibehave · 19/07/2022 23:30

He sounds like a charmer. No, I wouldn’t be going round there. Are you still pregnant?

LoneParent1 · 20/07/2022 12:17

@staincross
I don't think that he and his family were unreasonable tbh, if they genuinely felt it was the right decision and that they were showing you they wouldn't support your decision to keep.

Imo that's not coercion.

At the end of the day, you and only you, can decide whether yo keep or abort your baby.

I personally am against abortion, beyond tfmr that are incompatible with life.

If you believe that you could manage alone that's what you should be doing because regardless of what him and his family now say and do, you can only rely on you!

This scenario sounds more like a fwb situation and it was unfortunate that you got pregnant in this manner and he no doubt feels that you should be sticking to what you said hypothetically. But you are not obligated to do so.

If you keep the baby, whether he's involved or not, he's required to support the baby and you will also receive support.

Have you spoke to me with your family for support?

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 20/07/2022 12:19

don't go to his house. You will get nothing out of it and feel worse afterwards. If you plan to keep this baby focus on yourself and your baby instead.

Original poster
staincross · 20/07/2022 16:20

LoneParent1 · 20/07/2022 12:17

@staincross
I don't think that he and his family were unreasonable tbh, if they genuinely felt it was the right decision and that they were showing you they wouldn't support your decision to keep.

Imo that's not coercion.

At the end of the day, you and only you, can decide whether yo keep or abort your baby.

I personally am against abortion, beyond tfmr that are incompatible with life.

If you believe that you could manage alone that's what you should be doing because regardless of what him and his family now say and do, you can only rely on you!

This scenario sounds more like a fwb situation and it was unfortunate that you got pregnant in this manner and he no doubt feels that you should be sticking to what you said hypothetically. But you are not obligated to do so.

If you keep the baby, whether he's involved or not, he's required to support the baby and you will also receive support.

Have you spoke to me with your family for support?

But he said that he cut contact and said he would abandon the baby and I in order to manipulate me in to feeling like I had no choice but to terminate. You don't think they are wrong for that?

OP posts:
SpotlessMind88 · 20/07/2022 16:35

Don't go to their house, you don't need that drama especially if you're still pregnant. Are you?
they sound like evil bastards and i wouldn't want any of them in my life. You deserve better

Original poster
staincross · 20/07/2022 16:51

I am still pregnant and undecided.

He wants to be involved if I keep the baby. He reason he said he didn't was so that I would feel I had no choice but to terminate. I already have a 3 year old DS from a previous relationship.

OP posts:
TheWeeDonkey · 20/07/2022 16:59

So he's playing games with you already?