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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn up at his house?

115 replies

staincross · 19/07/2022 20:07

Okay, I know I am probably BU but I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

ExDP and I split up but were still seeing each other, sleeping together, acting like we were together etc. and he was consistently begging for me back, telling me how much he loves me etc. It seemed like we were moving back to a relationship.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had said I would almost certainly terminate if it was very early on but that I wasn't 100% certain on that.

I found out I was pregnant and it was a massive shock. He didn't ask if I was ok, the first thing he said was that I need to book in for an abortion.

Two days later he said if I keep the baby he will have nothing to do with me or the baby and will not be in our lives. His mum then proceeded to send me a paragraph detailing why it was "preferable" I have an abortion and then blocked me on every platform, so did his dad and sister (all of whom he lives with).

I didn't hear from him a month. He then said he "needs" to know what I'm doing that that he didn't actually mean what he said.

He said that he said he'd abandon the baby and I and didn't speak to me for a month as he was hoping it would force and manipulate me into having an abortion.

He tried to coerce me into having an abortion, didn't he?

His parents were in on it too and cut contact to leave me feeling I had no choice but to terminate.

I refused to tell him if I was still pregnant or not.

I want to turn up at his house and give them all a piece of my mind. I am so cross, hurt and do betrayed. I'm not sure how I will move past this.

Is what they have done wrong, or am I BU? I can't think straight anymore.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 20/07/2022 17:05

He is awful. Try to forget about him and focus on taking positive steps for yourself, whatever they may be. No one else gets a say.

If you decide to keep the baby, by all means put in a legal claim for child maintenance. It is much cleaner to do it formally from the start than to worry about relying on the whims of someone who has already shown you how badly he can treat you.

I personally would not be giving him parental rights/responsibilities either. I see only a potential disaster if you do. It goes without saying that the baby would have my surname.

I mention all of this now because he has already shown he can be quite ugly. Asserting and maintaining your boundaries may be challenging.

GordonBennetttt · 20/07/2022 17:12

I wouldn't turn up at his house.
If this was me, I wouldn't tell him if I was still pregnant or not. I'd tell him to fuck the fuck off, then block and delete.
I also wouldn't carry on with the pregnancy though. I wouldn't want to be tied in any way to him and his family, to be totally honest.

newbiename · 20/07/2022 17:51

I wouldn't continue but obviously that is your decision.
I couldn't be tied to him for rest of my life.

AllFreeOwls · 20/07/2022 17:59

The decision to continue is completely up to you.

However, don't turn up at his house. Block them all and have no more to do with any of them. He's shown you what sort of person he is, as has the rest of his family. Cut ties completely.

Anonymous48 · 20/07/2022 18:06

What does his mum have to do with it? Is he very young?

I'm also wondering why you were talking about what you would do if you were to become pregnant before you even got pregnant. I know accidents happen, but contraception is pretty reliable when used properly - reliable enough that I don't spend much time worrying about the possibility of becoming pregnant, and neither do my friends.

I don't think he's done anything wrong. He believes that a termination would be for the best, which is a valid opinion. But ultimately it's your decision. Good luck!

SouperNoodle · 20/07/2022 18:09

Cut them all out of your life and block them on everything.
Keep the baby if that's what you want.
Do not put him on the birth certificate.

Almostlegible · 20/07/2022 18:17

His mum contacting you about it is bullying.
His family are therefore not nice people so I wouldn’t go near them as their aim will be to make you feel worse, and to push you towards what THEY think you should do.
i would take time away from these people while you make your decision.
If you decide to keep the baby, you can still take your time to tell him, it’s up to you when to share your decision.
If you decide not to keep the baby then no one would blame you for never speaking to any of them again.
Look after yourself.

FOJN · 20/07/2022 18:20

But he said that he cut contact and said he would abandon the baby and I in order to manipulate me in to feeling like I had no choice but to terminate. You don't think they are wrong for that?

Of course he is wrong to say that, take it as a clear sign this is not a man you should continue a relationship with. It is your body and you decide whether to continue with the pregnancy or not. If you decide to continue then you need to make sure you establish firm boundaries with this man so that he can have contact with his child without playing further games.

If becoming a parent was so unacceptable to him then he should have abstained from sex or used a condom, the time for him to influence whether you have a baby or not has passed and he will just have to grow up and deal with it.

No good will come of giving them all a piece of your mind so don't waste your breath. Keep contact to the bare minimum and if you do decide to terminate then cut contact altogether.

LoneParent1 · 20/07/2022 19:16

staincross · 20/07/2022 16:20

But he said that he cut contact and said he would abandon the baby and I in order to manipulate me in to feeling like I had no choice but to terminate. You don't think they are wrong for that?

Show quote history

I think that people often follow a course of action when they have just received a bombshell of news. They then often review this when the news has sunk in.

I think that at that point, he wanted to make sure that you realised they wouldn't be supporting in hope of you aborting and then when the dust settled has realised that if you did keep the baby that he'd want involvement with his child.

You weren't in an actual relationship and then suddenly he's potentially forever bound to you and can see the reality of this as he'd dated you with a child by someone else....

I presume he's also quite young if living at home still?

Lindy2 · 20/07/2022 19:30

What an awful family. To gang up on you when you're vulnerable is just despicable. Why is an adult getting his mum involved like this - that truly is pathetic.

The only person who decides on this is you. It's your body and your choice, whatever you decide.

Don't go round there. I just can't see that ending well.

Do you have anyone else to support you while you decide what you want to do and to help you?

Clarinet1 · 20/07/2022 19:31

I am always of the opinion that, in an unexpected pregnancy, what to do about the baby and what to do about the father are two separate issues. As you already have a DC, you know what having a baby and a young child is like. You don’t say how involved the existing DC’s father is - would you want the same? Could you cope with two children? In terms of the father and the rest of his family, it does sound as though continuing contact with
them could be fraught with problems - both practical (how many threads do we see on MN about disagreements over contact, holidays, activities ....?) and financial. However, there are ways to nail things down and, if you keep the baby, the father should support it financially.
I hope you resolve things in a way you can feel peace.

cheekychatta · 20/07/2022 19:34

Tell them to get lost . If he's man enough to have sex then he's man enough to be a dad . Plus this maybe your only chance to be a mum

Luidaeg · 20/07/2022 19:39

LoneParent1 · 20/07/2022 12:17

@staincross
I don't think that he and his family were unreasonable tbh, if they genuinely felt it was the right decision and that they were showing you they wouldn't support your decision to keep.

Imo that's not coercion.

At the end of the day, you and only you, can decide whether yo keep or abort your baby.

I personally am against abortion, beyond tfmr that are incompatible with life.

If you believe that you could manage alone that's what you should be doing because regardless of what him and his family now say and do, you can only rely on you!

This scenario sounds more like a fwb situation and it was unfortunate that you got pregnant in this manner and he no doubt feels that you should be sticking to what you said hypothetically. But you are not obligated to do so.

If you keep the baby, whether he's involved or not, he's required to support the baby and you will also receive support.

Have you spoke to me with your family for support?

I personally am against abortion, beyond tfmr that are incompatible with life.

how does it affect your life if the op or any other woman has a termination?

Gooseberrypies · 20/07/2022 19:45

Why on earth would you want to have a baby with a man like this anyway? He will continue to manipulate you for 18 years. You shouldn’t have agreed to abort (hypothetically) if you weren’t 100% certain you would have, I’d feel tricked too.

bumpytrumpy · 20/07/2022 19:54

Don't turn up at his house. Or ring or contact him ever again. He's worth nothing to you and will bring more drama you and your child don't need.

As you already have a 3yo you need to think about what's best for him. How well do you cope alone already? If you're barely coping / not working etc then I don't think bringing a newborn and it's unstable drama filled father into the mix at this stage is a great idea. If you're coping well, financially secure etc then maybe it would be ok. Only you know that really.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 20/07/2022 20:01

Your choice about the baby.

They haven’t treated you well and I wonder if he is very young for all of his family to react in such a way.

I could understand the panic from him, more so if you aren’t in a relationship and you had discussed that you both weren’t really considering a child.

But if he is old enough to have sex, he is old enough to know that sex can make babies.

He had the opportunity to resume your relationship. He didn’t though. He merely told you what you wanted to hear so he could get what he wanted.

I wouldn’t go round. You don’t need the drama. From any of them.

VladmirsPoutine · 20/07/2022 20:06

AllFreeOwls · 20/07/2022 17:59

The decision to continue is completely up to you.

However, don't turn up at his house. Block them all and have no more to do with any of them. He's shown you what sort of person he is, as has the rest of his family. Cut ties completely.

Exactly what this post says. Going to his will, not might, but will make things worse. I can see it's an entirely terrible situation but do you have anyone close you can confide in?

IsThePopeCatholic · 20/07/2022 20:10

Write all your feelings down to get them off your chest. Don’t engage anymore with this nest of vipers. Ask yourself if you can and want to bring this baby up on your own.

IssaBaby · 20/07/2022 20:11

God they sound like a disgusting bunch.

Me personally I couldn't go through with having a child with someone like this.
Imagine the dramas once baby is born, potential chasing for maintenance, his horrid family then deciding they want access. Its a lifetime of connection to a bunch of nasty manipulative people.

I think he has shown his true colours. I'd run far away from this man. Baby or no baby, please don't lower yourself into his arms again. He's a dick.

Hopefullysoon2022 · 20/07/2022 20:12

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had said I would almost certainly terminate if it was very early on but that I wasn't 100% certain on that.

Right its very suss you said this and then ended up pregnant.
Especially as the relationship had ended and you where fwb.

But the way he treated you was awful. .They will just wreck your head,,and i bet when push comes to shove he wont be there.
Cut your losses have the termination and move on with your life.

drlel · 20/07/2022 20:15

Don't go to their house.

Instead you need to focus on you and the (potential) baby. Your choice is to either have the baby and do it with out the support of him and his family or terminate and have nothing else to do with him.

I known you think he's calling your bluff and will be involved if you go ahead with the pregnancy. However, I think you need to assume he won't be around and take it from there.

If you go ahead and he then wants to be involved that's a bonus (or not as the case may be)

Nomad916 · 20/07/2022 20:21

All you need to decide is if you're happy to have this baby alone. Everything else is background noise.

Original poster
staincross · 20/07/2022 21:04

I don't think he's done anything wrong. He believes that a termination would be for the best, which is a valid opinion. But ultimately it's your decision.

I don't think it's wrong to believe a termination is for the best, or to express that. I feel it is wrong to purposely attempt to manipulate someone into a termination? But I could be wrong.

He also said that he would want to be with me if I had a termination, but if I didn't terminate then he'd want nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
staincross · 20/07/2022 21:05

You shouldn’t have agreed to abort (hypothetically) if you weren’t 100% certain you would have, I’d feel tricked too.

I never agreed to abort.

OP posts:
Original poster
staincross · 20/07/2022 21:08

Right its very suss you said this and then ended up pregnant.
Especially as the relationship had ended and you where fwb.

The conversation came up after someone we knew was pregnant and the father wanted no involvement.

The absolute last thing I wanted or needed was a baby.

OP posts:
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