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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn up at his house?

115 replies

staincross · 19/07/2022 20:07

Okay, I know I am probably BU but I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

ExDP and I split up but were still seeing each other, sleeping together, acting like we were together etc. and he was consistently begging for me back, telling me how much he loves me etc. It seemed like we were moving back to a relationship.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had said I would almost certainly terminate if it was very early on but that I wasn't 100% certain on that.

I found out I was pregnant and it was a massive shock. He didn't ask if I was ok, the first thing he said was that I need to book in for an abortion.

Two days later he said if I keep the baby he will have nothing to do with me or the baby and will not be in our lives. His mum then proceeded to send me a paragraph detailing why it was "preferable" I have an abortion and then blocked me on every platform, so did his dad and sister (all of whom he lives with).

I didn't hear from him a month. He then said he "needs" to know what I'm doing that that he didn't actually mean what he said.

He said that he said he'd abandon the baby and I and didn't speak to me for a month as he was hoping it would force and manipulate me into having an abortion.

He tried to coerce me into having an abortion, didn't he?

His parents were in on it too and cut contact to leave me feeling I had no choice but to terminate.

I refused to tell him if I was still pregnant or not.

I want to turn up at his house and give them all a piece of my mind. I am so cross, hurt and do betrayed. I'm not sure how I will move past this.

Is what they have done wrong, or am I BU? I can't think straight anymore.

OP posts:
LoneParent1 · 21/07/2022 07:08

staincross · 20/07/2022 21:11

Thank you for all your lovely responses.

My head is completely fried. I have done some researching and what he has done constitutes reproductive abuse. I'm so gross that he is living his life like normal and I am going through this.

I don't want a baby, I do want a termination and I have had the consultation but I am struggling to go through with it. I'm trying to figure out what it is that is stopping me, but I find the whole idea of it very distressing (which I know it is anyway).

Reproductive abuse?
If you were in a continued relationship and he was forcing an abortion, yes.

You're not in a relationship.
He simply stated he would not be supporting you. That's not abuse. It's not threatening conduct. It was, at that time, how he felt. And he hoped this would nudge you into realising that you'd be doing it alone, you'd abort.

If you wanted the baby, him and his family not supporting you, wouldn't figure at all in your considerations. You're already a single parent so presumably know what it's like and can manage without them. If however, there support is instrumental to the decision, then you need to be considering, even if they say they're supporting that's not guaranteed for the next 18 years.

You say you want an abortion but are a having doubts. If you want to be able to abort blaming him and his family, then carry on with your rhetoric. Or rather be adult about it. Review this situation properly. Could you live with the reality of aborting this baby? Could you manage with two children as a lone aren't? Make the decision based on you and don't seek scapegoats for that decision.

Brefugee · 21/07/2022 07:15

how are you doing today, OP?
I've reread the thread and i think you have to stop thinking about him and his family and consider what is best for you and your 3 year old. Remove them (him and his family) completely for the equation.

I agree with pp that you are focussing on them so much because you are very conflicted, and you probably need outside advice very urgently. BPAS are very good.

Stop focussing on the fact that you think he's coercing you. He may well be doing that, but in his head you said you'd probably get an abortion and to him that absolves him of any resulting pregnancy. It is shit, and it is wrong, but that is probably how he sees it. It is not his decision now.

But. Whatever you do, the only contact you need to have with him is if you have the baby and pursue child support. Jump that hurdle when you come to it. Try to have a calm few days to evaluate your situation and make the best decision for you.

resuwen · 21/07/2022 07:27

This is 100% coercive, and it is abuse. You have the right to decide whether or not to terminate, which includes changing your mind. Deciding that you would probably terminate a hypothetical pregnancy and then having different feelings when you are actually pregnant is not uncommon, and it is absolutely your right to do so. www.mycwa.org.uk/reproductive-abuse

Sometimeswinning · 21/07/2022 07:31

LoneParent1 · 20/07/2022 12:17

@staincross
I don't think that he and his family were unreasonable tbh, if they genuinely felt it was the right decision and that they were showing you they wouldn't support your decision to keep.

Imo that's not coercion.

At the end of the day, you and only you, can decide whether yo keep or abort your baby.

I personally am against abortion, beyond tfmr that are incompatible with life.

If you believe that you could manage alone that's what you should be doing because regardless of what him and his family now say and do, you can only rely on you!

This scenario sounds more like a fwb situation and it was unfortunate that you got pregnant in this manner and he no doubt feels that you should be sticking to what you said hypothetically. But you are not obligated to do so.

If you keep the baby, whether he's involved or not, he's required to support the baby and you will also receive support.

Have you spoke to me with your family for support?

This is the most bizarre response I think I have ever read!

slashlover · 21/07/2022 07:32

staincross · 20/07/2022 23:01

I am so confused.

Is he not BU to try and force and manipulate me into a termination? Is that fair enough?

Would you rather he told you that he'd be there for you and the baby while you're pregnant and THEN leave?

torquewench · 21/07/2022 07:36

GordonBennetttt · 20/07/2022 17:12

I wouldn't turn up at his house.
If this was me, I wouldn't tell him if I was still pregnant or not. I'd tell him to fuck the fuck off, then block and delete.
I also wouldn't carry on with the pregnancy though. I wouldn't want to be tied in any way to him and his family, to be totally honest.

This. I wouldn't want anything to do with them. Their behaviour will continue and probably escalate and they won't ever be on yours or a child's side.

Mummacake · 21/07/2022 07:48

I wouldn't want to be tied to this man & his family for 18yrs. He's showing you who he is, please take notice. The damage to your MH & the impact on your children is not worth this. Time to speak to GP/clinic about your options and make an informed decision for you and your child.

londonlass71 · 21/07/2022 09:45

Regardless of whether or jot he wants to be involved he needs to contribute financially which you can do through Child Maintenance. They can sort it all out for you without you having to be in contact.

londonlass71 · 21/07/2022 09:46

not** sorry typo

LoneParent1 · 21/07/2022 09:47

This reply has been deleted

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vivainsomnia · 21/07/2022 10:43

What birth control device were you using? Could it be that he somehow got it in his head that you were still sleeping with him to get pregnant and stopped all protection?

If so, he would have felt manipulated and therefore that it gave him the right to manipulate you in return making you believe he wouldn't stay with you and baby if you went ahead with it.

The fact you'd told him you would almost certainly (and he might not have heard the almost) abort but now decided not to is likely to make him even more believe that you tried to trap him and so does his family believe.

Original poster
staincross · 21/07/2022 10:52

You also manipulated him in the same manner by saying to him you'd abort if this happened and now not, get are irate that he's taken the tact that you'd be true to your word!

Please tell me how I have manipulated him?

He did and said all of this less than 24 hours after I found out I was pregnant and we had no idea how far along I was etc.

He said himself that he has tried to manipulate me, those are his words. He also said that if we were still together he would want me to keep it, and that it was my fault I was going to be alone because I didn't want him.

OP posts:
Original poster
staincross · 21/07/2022 10:55

@LoneParent1 how bizarre

He simply stated he would not be supporting you. That's not abuse.

You can't have ready all of my posts because this is false?

It's not threatening conduct.

He has made threats.

You say you want an abortion but are a having doubts. If you want to be able to abort blaming him and his family, then carry on with your rhetoric.

When did I blame them for my doubts? Not one have I said that.

Or rather be adult about it. Review this situation properly. Could you live with the reality of aborting this baby? Could you manage with two children as a lone aren't? Make the decision based on you and don't seek scapegoats for that decision.

Have you not read my posts? That's exactly what I am doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
staincross · 21/07/2022 10:56

Would you rather he told you that he'd be there for you and the baby while you're pregnant and THEN leave?

Please read my posts. This isn't what happened/is happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
staincross · 21/07/2022 10:57

vivainsomnia · 21/07/2022 10:43

What birth control device were you using? Could it be that he somehow got it in his head that you were still sleeping with him to get pregnant and stopped all protection?

If so, he would have felt manipulated and therefore that it gave him the right to manipulate you in return making you believe he wouldn't stay with you and baby if you went ahead with it.

The fact you'd told him you would almost certainly (and he might not have heard the almost) abort but now decided not to is likely to make him even more believe that you tried to trap him and so does his family believe.

The copper coil.

He doesn't think I have trapped him, he knows this was a clear accident.

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 21/07/2022 11:02

If takes two to make a baby, if he didn't want a baby he should have taken charge of his own fertility by either short term wearing a condom or long term getting a vasectomy.

It is the OP's choice and hers alone if she wants to get an abortion. Even if she did say she would get one 100% (which she didn't) she is still allowed to change her mind when the hypothetical situation became reality.

OP - the ONLY appropriate response to your ex and his family is to respond to every message with "new number, who's this?" then block all of them. They have shown you who they are, believe them.

Crankley · 21/07/2022 11:26

Could you stop thinking about him and his mother's behaviour for a moment and think about yourself.

Ask yourself if you really want this child or not. Can you cope financially? Or emotionally knowing that if you keep the child, you will be linked to this person for the next 18 years?

You said: Prior to becoming pregnant, I had said I would almost certainly terminate if it was very early on but that I wasn't 100% certain on that. Is the only reason you are now finding it difficult to decide due to not wanting to feel like he will have won if you go ahead?

It must be very difficult but you really need to try to concentrate solely on what is the best decision for you.

Good luck.

Original poster
staincross · 21/07/2022 11:46

Is the only reason you are now finding it difficult to decide due to not wanting to feel like he will have won if you go ahead?

Absolutely not, it's a baby not a trophy. I'm finding it difficult but I find the idea of having an abortion really distressing.

Also, I am very much pro choice but I come from a Christian and I think maybe I am subconsciously feeling guilty for seriously considering it.

I don't want a child with this man, to be tied to him for eighteen years. "Winning" isn't worth that.

OP posts:
Dotjones · 21/07/2022 11:55

staincross · 21/07/2022 11:46

Is the only reason you are now finding it difficult to decide due to not wanting to feel like he will have won if you go ahead?

Absolutely not, it's a baby not a trophy. I'm finding it difficult but I find the idea of having an abortion really distressing.

Also, I am very much pro choice but I come from a Christian and I think maybe I am subconsciously feeling guilty for seriously considering it.

I don't want a child with this man, to be tied to him for eighteen years. "Winning" isn't worth that.

Your final point shows you know what you should do. You don't want his child and realise continuing with the pregnancy, bringing a life into the world, is not worth it - you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Don't feel guilty about going for an abortion, it's just a straightforward medical procedure and is no different to any other medical procedure that someone might require. A cancerous tumour is "alive" and surgery to remove it will kill it - but nobody would think twice about going in for the surgery if they feel it's the best option for them.

Crankley · 21/07/2022 11:56

Good - then as hard as it is, you know whatever you decide is what's best for you with no outside influence.

Hopefullysoon2022 · 21/07/2022 12:14

I think you need to get this man and his family out of your head.
What they think,what they want is not important.

Your well-being for the childtou have is paramount.
Make a decision based on that.
Good luck @staincross whatever you decide.

Naunet · 21/07/2022 13:36

Yes, you did hypothetically agree to abort. If you weren’t sure you shouldn’t have said you almost certainly would. Given that that’s what he wanted, obviously he’s going to trust that you would if you say that and know he doesn’t want a baby. Don’t act like you didn’t know that. No wonder he’s furious! Reproductive abuse… everything is not abuse just because you dislike it. Get a grip. What are you trying to do to the man, ruin his life? Seems like you’re on here trying to figure out something to accuse him of because he won’t let you trap him!

What a disgusting, misogynistic post. Firstly women don’t “trap” men into having a baby when they freely ejaculate into a vagina. Why do you seek to remove any responsibility from him I wonder? How is she ruining his life, rather than him ruining his own in his choice not to wear a condom? In your own words, everything is not abuse just because you don’t like it, sweetheart.

Secondly, no she didn’t agree to abort, she said she probably would. Learn to read before you start criticising anyone else, otherwise it makes you look like a thick fuck.

Murdoch1949 · 23/07/2022 21:22

Make your own decision, it's totally up to you. You do not have to tell him anything at all. He has involved his family as a heavy mob, ignore them too. He is a total knob so move on, whatever you decide.

londonlass71 · 24/07/2022 07:16

Naunet · 21/07/2022 13:36

Yes, you did hypothetically agree to abort. If you weren’t sure you shouldn’t have said you almost certainly would. Given that that’s what he wanted, obviously he’s going to trust that you would if you say that and know he doesn’t want a baby. Don’t act like you didn’t know that. No wonder he’s furious! Reproductive abuse… everything is not abuse just because you dislike it. Get a grip. What are you trying to do to the man, ruin his life? Seems like you’re on here trying to figure out something to accuse him of because he won’t let you trap him!

What a disgusting, misogynistic post. Firstly women don’t “trap” men into having a baby when they freely ejaculate into a vagina. Why do you seek to remove any responsibility from him I wonder? How is she ruining his life, rather than him ruining his own in his choice not to wear a condom? In your own words, everything is not abuse just because you don’t like it, sweetheart.

Secondly, no she didn’t agree to abort, she said she probably would. Learn to read before you start criticising anyone else, otherwise it makes you look like a thick fuck.

I agree with the response to the nasty post in bold. Even if she did agree to terminate (which she didn't) she is entitled to change her mind. While I agree some women (and men by the way) trap others via pregnancy, this was clearly not the case in this situation. He can also take responsibility and wear a condom. I feel if anyone's life is being ruined it's hers. He and his family have bullied her, blocked her, treated her very badly and she is the one that has to carry the baby tk term, give birth and care for a child she didn't plan on having. Also he led her to believe they may be getting back together. Poor woman!

KittyCatsby · 24/07/2022 07:26

He doesn't want a baby.
You have said you don't want a baby.
I think I'd be doing something about it asap.