To turn up at his house?

[staincross]

Okay, I know I am probably BU but I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

ExDP and I split up but were still seeing each other, sleeping together, acting like we were together etc. and he was consistently begging for me back, telling me how much he loves me etc. It seemed like we were moving back to a relationship.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had said I would almost certainly terminate if it was very early on but that I wasn't 100% certain on that.

I found out I was pregnant and it was a massive shock. He didn't ask if I was ok, the first thing he said was that I need to book in for an abortion.

Two days later he said if I keep the baby he will have nothing to do with me or the baby and will not be in our lives. His mum then proceeded to send me a paragraph detailing why it was "preferable" I have an abortion and then blocked me on every platform, so did his dad and sister (all of whom he lives with).

I didn't hear from him a month. He then said he "needs" to know what I'm doing that that he didn't actually mean what he said.

He said that he said he'd abandon the baby and I and didn't speak to me for a month as he was hoping it would force and manipulate me into having an abortion.

He tried to coerce me into having an abortion, didn't he?

His parents were in on it too and cut contact to leave me feeling I had no choice but to terminate.

I refused to tell him if I was still pregnant or not.

I want to turn up at his house and give them all a piece of my mind. I am so cross, hurt and do betrayed. I'm not sure how I will move past this.

Is what they have done wrong, or am I BU? I can't think straight anymore.

Thank you for all your lovely responses.

My head is completely fried. I have done some researching and what he has done constitutes reproductive abuse. I'm so gross that he is living his life like normal and I am going through this.

I don't want a baby, I do want a termination and I have had the consultation but I am struggling to go through with it. I'm trying to figure out what it is that is stopping me, but I find the whole idea of it very distressing (which I know it is anyway).

It is a tough decision but you must think of the baby's future (if you have it) and how you will have this family in your life forever possibly. Or can you do it alone? do you have support?

Were you using contraceptives? If he thought the chances of pregnancy (while never zero) were small he won't have given it a second thought while you were doing the horizontal tango. Were you?

I'm pretty certain that in your position i would be a) never seeing any of them again and b) getting a termination. But only you can make this decision.

Presumably if you do have the baby you can pursue him for child support?

Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to? it seems really difficult to do al this on your own, whatever you decide.

You have to accept he isn't ready to have a baby and that his opinion is that a termination would be best. However the decision is entirely in your hands so you do have a choice. He will obviously have to financially support the child but not you. If he decides he doesn't want a relationship with you by forcing his hand again he is entitled to make that choice however much it hurts or isn't q particularly nice thing to do.

What is the situation with your 3 year old. Do they see their father and does their father support that child?

Do you want to add another child into potentially single parenthood? The decision is yours but I would work on the basis he is unlikely to be around.

How old are you both?

Yes, you did hypothetically agree to abort. If you weren’t sure you shouldn’t have said you almost certainly would. Given that that’s what he wanted, obviously he’s going to trust that you would if you say that and know he doesn’t want a baby. Don’t act like you didn’t know that. No wonder he’s furious! Reproductive abuse… everything is not abuse just because you dislike it. Get a grip. What are you trying to do to the man, ruin his life? Seems like you’re on here trying to figure out something to accuse him of because he won’t let you trap him!

I'm really offended by this. I said very early on I probably would, but was not certain. At the point he said all of this he didn't know how far along I was.

You don't see anything wrong in trying to coerce someone into an abortion?

I'm not trying to trap him. I have had the copper coil since October last year.

I am so confused.

Is he not BU to try and force and manipulate me into a termination? Is that fair enough?

@staincross I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He is being abusive. It is really unfair that he gets to play these manipulative games and not have to live with the conflicting emotions that come with pregnancy and termination.

it sounds like you don’t want to have a baby. I would go with that rather than be tied to this man for the rest of your life. I have had three terminations. I have also had 3 children. You 100% don’t want to do it with this man unless you are 100% sure you want this baby and want to do it alone. I don’t know how people do it alone. It is so hard.

Not wanting this baby doesn’t make termination easy. An abortion is really hard. But You’ve got to be realistic about what having this baby will mean for you. You deserve better than this, a child deserves better than this. Don’t be tied to him.

You must do what you feel is best for you and the baby. If you want this child then you have this child but only you can decide this in this situation. Take the ex out of the equation him and his family are just causing you more stress and take a few deep breaths and ask yourself what do you want? Could you mentally physically and emotionally cope with a baby and could you mentally physically and emotionally cope if you did have a termination? Please speak with medical professionals tomorrow and tell them how you are feeling, they are there to help

Personally I would argue that it takes 2 to tango and if he was so against having children he would have put protective measures in place himself (abstinence, condoms, the snip, etc).

Only you can decide if you want this child.

He is totally BU to try to force you into either option by threats of "I will/I won't" statements, but he is entitled to voice any concerns/wishes.

Ultimately only you can decide this outcome Xx

It is not ok what he’s doing. He is BU and he is showing you what type a man he is. @Gooseberrypies is a fucking cunt and hates women.

You’d be better off deciding whether or not you want the baby. You seem to suggest not as you didn’t want to be pregnant. Obsessing about the state of mind of the unfortunate sperm donor and his family isn’t helping you at all.

You've already got a young child who only has you to depend on, focus on them and yourself and what you’re going to do.

You and the bloke are massively over whatever happens, put him from your mind for now but worth remembering even if he’s not interested now if you have the baby he could change his mind anytime and you and the child are stuck with him for 18 years. You’re in a bit of a pickle.

Talk to someone at BPAS.
Stop sleeping with your ex.
This shouldn't have happened, but too late now.
Get professional advice, not musings on MN.

Have an abortion OP. I would if I were you, I wouldn't want to be tied to this man and his family at all. Plus you have your 3yr old to consider already.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Wow I find it quite disturbing that people are telling you to have an abortion.. not just him and his family, but also people on here 😵 It really is your body and therefore YOUR choice. But deciding it sooner rather than later is probably advisable 💕

coerce
/kəʊˈəːs/

Learn to pronounce
verb
past tense: coerced; past participle: coerced
persuade (an unwilling person) to do something by using force or threats.

The fact you see it as coercion does make me believe you are struggling with the decision more than you let on. I don’t necessarily think you will be ‘tied to him forever’ if you go through with keeping the baby - especially if he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby, he is truly abusive etc.. you also don’t have to put him on the birth cert and if he really doesn’t care I’m sure this won’t bother him.. there are so many options here, but I feel you have been bullied and manipulated by a lot of people, so please, do what’s best for YOU, your body and your current child. Don’t let other people make that decision for you - you’ll probably regret it (not necessarily the decision but the fact it wasn’t YOUR decision) for the rest of your life! This is a really hard situation, so I hope you have some support IRL to help you through this 💕💕💕

I don't want a baby, I do want a termination and I have had the consultation but I am struggling to go through with it.

then...

I'm trying to figure out what it is that is stopping me, but I find the whole idea of it very distressing (which I know it is anyway).

Is it possible that the reason you're hesitating is because he and his family have been so horribly pushy and made their feelings disgustingly clear? So you feel that if you did have the abortion they would have 'won' and would try to rub your nose in it?

If you are sure - for you and you alone - that an abortion is the right thing to do, then do it. Make sure they are all blocked and never respond to them ever again. But I think it is worth remembering that if you go ahead you will be tied to this man and his appalling family for a long time, that he may want contact and spend it at his mother's.

This isn't easy

Is anyone else disgusted by this post? If you can’t grasp the difference between how a woman feels about abortion when it’s an abstract thing versus how she feels when she is actually pregnant, then you have no business to be giving women advice.

I really hope OP can shake off your spiteful, malicious post.

This.

OP. Forget them a minute. What do you want to do? If you want the baby then have it. If you don't then terminate. For now don't worry about them. You aren't together anyway. It seems like you're deflecting because you don't want to face the issue at hand - you are going to be a mum.

I wont post an opinion on what you should do, I will simply post my experience.

I was in an eerily similar situation to you almost 30 years ago.

I didnt want to continue the pregnancy, I didnt want a termination, I just wanted the pregnancy to not have happened but ....

I chose the termination and I wont lie, it wasnt the most pleasant experience of my life but it certainly wasnt the worst. Do I regret it? No, it was the the right thing to do at that point in my life. I have come to peace with it. I did feel guilt for a while afterwards, I wondered if I was selfish and horrible and the Pro Life shit I saw outside the local Women's Health Centre in our town was triggering but ultimately, with life experience I know that I did the right thing, not least because I didnt have a manipulative abusive arsehole (and his family, same as your ex's) in my life anymore.

Do what is right for you right now, but if you choose to continue, make sure that your eyes are fully open to the realities of being a single mum with an abusive ex in the background who has a family who will insist that they have "rights" (they dont by the way). And dont tell him anything either way. If he can try and manipulate you then play him back, works both ways.

I wish you well and you can PM me if you want to talk x

I wouldn’t want to be sharing a child with someone like that. 18 + years of drama ahead. Personally I’d terminate but I would never advise because I would get some enjoyment out of leaving them on tender hooks.

This thread is fucking terrifying. What a bunch of misogynistic shite.

Yes it's coercion. He and his family are disgusting.

It doesn't matter whether you hypothetically thought you might have an abortion. You are allowed to change your mind.

If he was so worried about getting someone pregnant he could take matters into his own hands and a) abstain or b) have a vasectomy.

Whether or not you choose to have the baby op, I don't think you should maintain contact with these people. They won't add any value to your life.

You need to decide what you want to do. Currently it doesn't involve him and his family. Get some support if you can and think about if you want to continue with the pregnancy. If you choose to abort then you could message and let him know (mainly to get him off your back) then move on with your life. If you chose to continue with the pregnancy , message and tell him you will be in touch (if you want him to see the baby) after you delivered and then move on with your life. If he is to be involved make it strictly paternal visits. His behaviour is abusive and you need to document/ evidence any abuse.

Write it all down in a letter, but don't send it.

Keep the letter for if he or his family try to contact you.

Live your life, it is the best revenge.

A man's reproductive choices start and end at the point of sex. So a man who doesn't want to father a child needs to prevent its conception.
After this there is no right to influence or persuade and he is obligated to support the decision the woman makes.
Unfortunately few men feel this way and want women to erase their errors for them so they can continue life unhindered. It is not your responsibility to do this.
Decide for you whether you want to be pregnant. You can't make a decision like that based on what a man who is not even committed to you, and his mum, may or may not want, or decide to do in future. Try not to focus on him. He is not important right now.

This is disingenuous. If you believe it's manipulative then...
You have tried to manipulate him into having the baby. He's tried to manipulate you into aborting. That doesn't change anything does it? We all try to sway others to act how we wish in certain situations... You're no different...

You also manipulated him in the same manner by saying to him you'd abort if this happened and now not, get are irate that he's taken the tact that you'd be true to your word!