"...and I don't drive, so..."

[MolliciousIntent]

I've read this so many times recently on so many threads where women are definitely being abused in one way or another, and they always mention in passing that they can't do XYZ recommended to gain some independence or get away to some degree, because they can't drive.

Ive read it so many times recently that it doesn't feel like a coincidence anymore. Do abusive men specifically target women who can't drive, who are easier to trap and force into dependency?

I think this is probably just confirmation bias on your part to be honest. No one has ever responded with "well, I do drive..." as a reason why they can't be independent so you're adding up all the times they can't drive and comparing them to nothing.

That could well be true.

It doesn’t matter much whether you can drive or not if he controls access to the only car. If you’re in a city, especially London, then public transport is so good it’s fairly irrelevant except for removing your stuff.

Not sure about that but I think they definitely would prevent the wife/partner learning.

A coercive controlling partner would definitely do all they could to stop their partner learning to drive as driving gives independence. So, if you get with some controlling when young, you will struggle to learn to drive.

Learning to drive, passing the test, having insurance and a car etc all require a certain amount of money. I certainly couldn't afford any of that when I was younger. So perhaps it goes hand in hand with reduced finances/ financial freedom.

Any woman can end up in an abusive relationship, but men absolutely target vulnerable women. An extreme imbalance in education, money, or life experience makes it easier for an abuser to keep a woman in place.

I've only ever encountered about 5 adult men who don't drive (and 2 of those had a motorbike) not counting back in the 80s where quite a few houses simply didn't have a car.

I know loads of women who don't drive and often for no particular reason. Some that had a few lessons at 17 and then gave up

Learning to drive is expensive as fuck and rarely a priority if you're struggling financially and live in a city or town.

Buying and running a car is also expensive as fuck. It would be quite easy for a partner to deny someone the chance to learn to drive in the interests of saving money or whatever.

Two men in my family don't drive. And two women, although one has mobility issues.

Maybe it’s abusive men that target a woman with lower confidence as a result of which she might have had fewer opportunities like a decent career, her own car, savings? Easy enough to spot.

Yes that makes absolute sense.

Yes, many years ago my parents were out with a colleague of my father's and his wife, who had just started learning to drive (I think she was around her late 30s at the time). My father said to his colleague "oh that's a mistake you can't control them once they can drive". I don't think he was joking.

Although he encouraged me to learn to drive. But the way a dad treats his daughter can be very different to the way he treats his wife.

My ex (abusive) didn’t like me driving and didn’t support me if my car broke down etc. his next girlfriend didn’t drive

Maybe some women who are at risk of abusive RL are maybe young ,less confident or in low income groups .However even if they do drive ,likely to not have access to the family car or car of their own.However they can still escape as they can contact Womens groups ,shelters and so on .

I know of a controlling woman who doesn't like her husband to work or drive. Manipulating a partner (and I do mean manipulate, not talking about partnerships where it's a mutual decision for one to stay at home) into not working for the benefit of the household gives the great excuse of not being able to afford to pay for them to learn to drive or buy a car. Each win leads to another win in terms of control. Can't drive so can't go out independently. Can't get a job so can't afford to socialise outside of the home away from the controlling partner even if they felt confident enough to. It is shocking how easy it is for these people to grind their partners down.

I would very much want my nieces to learn to drive but it is horrendously expensive.
It is definitely a way to keep control of someone -same as holding the purse strings, isolating from family and friends, preventing or discouraging education. Women, broadly speaking, are paid less and therefore less likely to be able to buy run and maintain a vehicle, let alone pay for lessons in the first place. There's far too much emphasis on young men driving. They act like absolute idiots as soon as they have a license.

I work in a semi-rural area the majority of people drive. Male or female. Couldn’t go anywhere otherwise.
Where are all these non driving , non-city people sprouting from?

I don't know if they're targeted as such, but it certainly helps to make women dependent. Another reason why we should make sure all our children can drive, if we can, IMO even if they then choose never to use it.

Driving gives a freedom of choice that is very hard to get in other ways. It's an unpopular view on MN though.

Some people aren’t confident with driving and may have difficulty passing a driving test, possibly due to undiagnosed learning issues like dyspraxia etc - which may not be immediately obvious but may have affected their school performance, exam results, articulacy, job prospects, confidence and self esteem and ability to drive all their lives. Combine this with a certain type of family dynamic/lifelong lack of support and you may have a woman who will be a target for a certain type of man.

Which people? I don't think anyone has specified 'non-city' on this thread? I lived in cities around the world for years as an adult and driving would've been an expensive luxury rather than a necessity.

OTOH I've also lived rurally and completely appreciate that you are stuck without it. Having kids is what tipped the balance for me.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Well exactly.
If there’s public transport then not driving isn’t an issue. They can easily get away via other means.

Therefore, all these ‘trapped’/dependent/whatever women are probably living in areas where it is a necessity.

They might not have grown up there though which is a fair point. Questions of whether it’s expensive, etc2 aren’t really relevant in rural areas, much like going to uni is pretty much a given in some circles. It’s just something everyone does, man or woman.

?

I imagine a lot of controlling/abusive men do actively prevent their partner from learning to drive or having access to a car if they can already drive. Can also imagine that they destroy confidence and belittle their partner’s driving ability to convince them they’re a rubbish driver.