"...and I don't drive, so..."

[MolliciousIntent]

I've read this so many times recently on so many threads where women are definitely being abused in one way or another, and they always mention in passing that they can't do XYZ recommended to gain some independence or get away to some degree, because they can't drive.

Ive read it so many times recently that it doesn't feel like a coincidence anymore. Do abusive men specifically target women who can't drive, who are easier to trap and force into dependency?

My grandad was controlling like this to my mum's mum, and my mum's sister never learned because of her horrible husband saying they couldn't afford a car for her. They could afford his near daily pub trips though.
My mum was very keen for me to learn, like she did, because she said it opened up access to so many things when she was off work with me for 5 years and to loads more jobs.

I drove a 10 hour round trip for a hen do weekend last week and I have to admit I do love the freedom.

Even outside of abusive relationships the whole driving/car-owning world is tipped towards men driving so that has a lot to answer for by itself. Women have to be more cautious about taking lessons, as they're statistically more at risk of assault than men, and statistically earning less so affording it becomes an issue. Car sales and car repair heavily favours men, I only rarely hear of girls being brought up to be interested in cars or taught how to do basic car maintenance while plenty of boys are, and I don't think I've ever heard of a car salesman ignoring the man buying the car in favour of the woman who isn't but hear of the reverse a lot! None of these actually stop anyone driving but they make it a lot harder.

It’s also anxiety - there seem to be more women anxious about driving/learning to drive than men.

Even in couples where the women drives it’s not uncommon for the man to do more/most of the long distance driving.

its almost like it’s expensive learning to drive and running a car isn’t it.

anecdotally my abusive ex really did a number on me and my driving to the point he would insist on driving me to and from work. He’d make me late every day, and I nearly lost my job. It was control, it was a way of taking freedom away, it was something I LOVED and he could Control it and try and take it away.

it didn’t work. I fucking love driving.

Wow another driving thread. Guess it’s been 24 hrs since the last one. Seems like another goady if you can’t drive your not a functioning adult thread.

I think a lot of non-drivers don't realise how much freedom driving can give you.

I didn't pass until my late twenties and only then because I wanted to move in with my now-DH and there was no access to public transport.

I can honestly say it changed my life and allowed me to do so many new things. But before learning I'd never have even considered how restricted my life was.

Obviously if you live somewhere like London or Manchester and don't drive, it's probably no big deal but I couldn't run my business without a car and I absolutely love what I do. It makes me sad to think I'd never have experienced this if I'd never learned to drive.

I posted this several days ago and I'm not being goady in the slightest.

I’m not an abused woman I don’t drive because I’m a single parent who is struggling to keep my head above water. When I’m trying to find money to feed my child having a car is least of my worries. Not everyone on here is on 40k or has a high earning husband.

Driving lessons are so expensive. And then the test, insurance and maintenance of the car - it’s becoming more common to find non drivers.

i know quite a few teens who have no intention due to climate and financial concerns. Kids these days are hyper aware of bigger issues.

I know plenty of men and women who don’t drive simply because they can’t afford to be a 2 car household and the partner needs the vehicle for work.

@Ilovemycatalot Definitely feels like it!

I had a fit while driving. DVLA and doctors say I’m safe to drive but I personally don’t trust myself as I have seizures every few months or so.

It's also another way the system is set up for more women to fail than men, why is public transport not so good by now that driving would be unnecessary for many people? It would be better environmentally, financially and improve public health but working age men are prioritised over women, the elderly and children in this area.

I don't think it is connected more of a coincidence.

Plenty of women who do drive have been through abusive relationships.

I'd say most women experience abuse on some level regardless of their driving skills.

I'm well aware that there are lots of reasons why women don't drive, it wasn't a criticism at all, merely an observation that it seems like not being able to drive makes you more vulnerable to abuse.

Not the point, I know, but I get very irritated with people who say ‘I don’t drive’ - implying that they can, but choose not to - when they actually mean, ‘I can’t’ because they’ve never learned.
(I do know someone who can but chooses not to, but IMO it’s not that common.)

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER ok to make you feel better I can’t drive. Hope that cheered up your day.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I agree!

You clearly haven't read the thread.

This is a point that was mentioned in the book Invisible Women. It's absolutely right - more women and disabled and elderly people use public transport, so in most countries (other than the more civilised ones like the Netherlands or Denmark), public transport is not funded properly and driving and cars get the lion's share of the funding, with any moves towards encouraging active travel, such as LTNs, being considered a War on Motorists (aka male drivers).

The cost of funding public transport for the entire country would be astronomical though, and completely impractical in many cases.

Think of how many rural towns and villages we have with tiny access roads and no railway - how would it even be possible?

Did your Mum tell you this story and are they now divorced?

@MolliciousIntent it is a tactic of abusers to isolate their partner from their support network. They slowly alienate friends and family and are likely to move you away.

An interesting anecdote of my own. I met a guy, started seeing him and he started the love bombing (nightly calls which put me on edge) and at the same time trying to seperate me from people I knew eg when we'd arranged to go out with my friends staying 5mins and then saying I just want to spend time with you and me, stuff like that. A few things hit red flags with suggestions that would isolate me eg moving my horse over an hour away to his parents farm - horse was perfectly ok where he was, thankyou very much. So i backed off on that being a relationship and it became more casual and boy oh boy did he get pissed off when he couldn't control me. Power games didn't work as I really didn't care if I saw him or not, and it was amusing to see what he'd try next.

On to your point though, when he finally found his next girlfriend she moved in to his isolated location (hours from her home base), couldn't drive, didn't have a job and got pregnant very quickly. I am certain he would be very controlling with her as he tried pretty relentlessly, even though unsuccessfully, to control me. It's a pattern of these type of people. Make their partner reliant on them and the partner can't leave.

Quite a lot of snobbery about women who are subjected to abuse, often with limited access to finances. It seems there is still a lot of blaming and stigma.

Access to a car is hugely helpful to someone experiencing domestic abuse because they can leave more easily with a child, a beloved pet, treasured belongings.

It’s really important to encourage women to be as independent as possible in every way.

I couldn't agree more. Some people are their own worst enemy.

The amount of women on here who say they live “very rurally” and “don’t drive” is astonishing.

We live rurally because we both drive. If one of us didn’t drive we would live somewhere with better public transport.

I don’t think the OP is talking about specific situations like yours @Carrotmum. DD has been advised not to learn to drive by her neurologist. She is looking for somewhere to live in her university city, which has excellent public transport and better job opportunities.

Even if you don’t drive: buses exist

Not everywhere @Marvellousmadness, and not as frequently as in towns and cities.

Even outside of abusive relationships the whole driving/car-owning world is tipped towards men driving so that has a lot to answer for by itself

It’s also anxiety - there seem to be more women anxious about driving/learning to drive than men. Even in couples where the women drives it’s not uncommon for the man to do more/most of the long distance driving.

I agree. I know quite a few women whose husbands did most of the driving, especially long distance motorway driving, and who have never encouraged their wives to drive anywhere further than locally. As a result when the husbands have become ill or died the women have become very restricted in where they can travel to.

I am really glad that DH pushed me out of my comfort zone with driving because he now has memory issues and has completely lost his confidence about driving anywhere unfamiliar. I now do 95% of the driving.

@Ilovemycatalot there is no need to be so defensive. Everyone knows that not everyone can afford to learn to drive or be able to learn due to health issues. This thread isn’t about that. It is about women who might have had the opportunity to learn, but haven’t, and have been put in a vulnerable position as a result. Maybe if you removed that chip off your shoulder you would see that.

It does happen. Friend of mine a long time ago was in a controlling relationship, living way out in the country, young kids, and couldn’t drive, and I do think all those things were connected.

Although, weirdly I think she’d have been less vulnerable to that if she’d been unable to learn drive, rather than planning to learn and not getting round to it. If you know you aren’t ever going to drive then you’d see big red flags over “let’s move out to the middle of nowhere.” But if you’re theoretically planning to then it’s easy to kick the can down the road by the partner promising “you can always learn after we move!”, and then by the time she realises she’s not going to be able to because she’s got two babies and no money and a partner who won’t let her do anything, it’s a lot harder.