"...and I don't drive, so..."

[MolliciousIntent]

I've read this so many times recently on so many threads where women are definitely being abused in one way or another, and they always mention in passing that they can't do XYZ recommended to gain some independence or get away to some degree, because they can't drive.

Ive read it so many times recently that it doesn't feel like a coincidence anymore. Do abusive men specifically target women who can't drive, who are easier to trap and force into dependency?

My ex used to "accidently take" my sets of car keys and go away for the day if he knew I had something planned.......you'll notice he's an ex.

Not many abusive partners would support the woman into getting a driving's licence if she doesn't already have one.
I'm sure plenty also actively discourage their partners, sabotage any attempts at driving and chip away at their confidence until the woman hardly ever drives if at all.

The less independent a woman is the easier she is to control and isolate.

My ex was a driving instructor yet I can't drive. I did buy him two cars however. So you can see the dynamic there.

Interesting theory, could well be true in some cases. Although one of my friends who is married in her 40s doesn't drive due to extreme anxiety, she has failed her test 7 times. Her husband I think would love her to drive as it would help with getting their son places, he also does the supermarket shop for her elderly mum each week because it would be too difficult where they live without a car.

I met my abusive ex when I was still a teenager, he’s about a decade older for context.

It wasn’t obvious at the time but he made damn sure that I didn’t learn to drive, I didn’t carry on with further education and once I had had our children made it impossible for me to even work minimum wage. Refused to do any childcare- and made me feel unreasonable and shitty mother/partner for expecting him to. We didn’t live near either of our families either so they couldn’t help.

Like most abusers if not all he made my world very, very small. Seems obvious now why he didn’t want me to learn a new skill like driving but it didn’t seem obvious at the time. I did leave him eventually (hence why he is now my ex) but I had to hit rock bottom before I did and it took me years.

I don't know if I would agree OP but it has happened before. DF was abusive to DM and didn't want her driving. I think he kept possession of one car and mum couldn't keep hers (maybe broke down at some point and he wouldn't get it repaired? Or he just sold it?). He had to do the work drop offs and pick ups. It was the agreement.

When she finally started to confront him about having another affair and wanted to separate, he punished her by not picking her up from a shift at work. She had no money, (with her or at home) there were no mobile phones back then and even when she found a phone box he didn't answer the operator's call (reverse charging) and it was the middle of the night. Her colleagues had gone home by the time she realised he wasn't coming.

It was a 3 and a half hour walk vs less than 20 minutes in the car. A lone woman walking with no means of calling for help in the early hours of the morning. She was lucky she got back safe.

Dear God @MugginsOverEre. If the story of your poor Mum doesn't go to prove the OP's point I don't know what does.

There's something in it OP. My dad was never keen for my mum to learn to drive. And now he still liked to drive her places, drop her off and pick her up rather than just letting her drive herself. Same dynamic his father had with his mother (who couldn't drive at all). Neither men abusive, just a bit controlling, think they know best about everything.

Also I prefer when people say "I can't drive" rather than "I don't drive". It's more honest!

I wonder if it's more significant of general behaviour that people may pick up on that often includes a greater reliance on others from the start.

For example, I know if a number of women predominantly who don't have family local and come across as vulnerable, haven't learned to drive, limited friends or interests/perhaps come across as a loner. In London that scenario re a car would be irrelevant but rurally very significant.

I wonder if many use dating apps where car ownership is a question. I've always taken that at face value of, we live rurally and considering someone who lives a 45 mins cwr journey but doesn't drive would suddenly become nightmare territory. So I'd avoid as live rurally. But can also see that could be perceived as an easy way on for someone who appears vulnerable, that a new partner would ferry around initially.... Reel in etc...

I'm also befuddled by the number of posters here (presumably women) who say "we live rurally and I don't drive." Often as part of posts lamenting the fact that they can't get a job/get their kids to school, etc.

WTF are they thinking?!?

The amount of women on here who say they live “very rurally” and “don’t drive” is astonishing.

And there’s definitely a cross section with arsehole husbands.

Literally snap, I didn’t read your post. Yes. IKR.

I think its also a confidence thing as well as money. Deciding to learn to drive, keeping up the lessons etc does require self confidence and self belief. Men who want power over their partner spot low confidence and low self esteem.

I agree OP! Not being able to drive is completely life limiting.

People claim they don't need to drive, as they live in big cities. Well, I live in London and I drive every single day. Tomorrow my daughter has a sports competition 2 hours from London. She has to be there at 7:30am. If I didn't drive there would be absolutely zero way if me getting there except by extremely(!!) expensive taxi.

Do abusive men specifically target women who can't drive, who are easier to trap and force into dependency?

I've worked with abused women in a volunteer capacity and my observations are that abusive men target strong women, not vulnerable ones.

However, what is very common, is moving to isolated villages with their families regardless of whether or not the woman can drive.

I’ve worked with da too and ime different types of abusive men target different types of women. There are those who target the strong confident women and enjoy taking them down; there are those who target vulnerable, anxious, dependent women. Takes all sorts.

The latter group are more like the typical “battered wife” the public expects to see; the former - people tend not to believe are being abused and the abuse dynamic is different because the woman tends to put up a fight.

The latter dynamic posters on here may mistakenly label as mutual abuse, when it’s not.

There’s definitely a pattern of isolating in rural areas with no transport - which is what I was referring to above as “arsehole husbands”.

My dad was abusive. When my mum decided she wanted to learn how to drive (being fed off with him constantly driving off in the family car), he made an absolute mess of 'practicing with her'. Shouting and hissing and undermining her confidence as best he could. Then, once she'd got the licence, he totaled her car.

For me, his car keys and the way he wielded them, disappearing at will, were one if the most concrete symbols of his power. I cried when her car was scrapped. So you're on to something OP.

I can’t drive for medical reasons I’ve never been in an abusive relationship ( lots of short term relationships when I was younger and two long term relationships) so I think it depends on who you know, being a non driver does not pin some sort of target on your back. My experience is that a few friends have been in abusive relationships ( I found out later) and they all drove beforehand and were not “discouraged” from driving in fact one did nearly all the driving as her partner liked to drink too much. Neither my mum or dad were able to drive, same medical reason as me, so no control there either.

I agree with PP that yes, it's very common for abusive men to target women whom they know they can control, and that might mean women who can't drive/haven't yet learned.

FWIW when I lived with my abusive ex, when I was in my early 20s, he would persistently make excuses to take my car (or simply take it without asking), but he would also make a huge fuss about ever picking me up anywhere. I had passed my test long before I met him, but my memory of that relationship is of him constantly asking me to get a sequence of complicated public transport links so he didn't have to do a 20 minute drive, or telling me he 'needed' my car as his wasn't running properly, so I 'needed' to take several different transport options to get where I needed to be. I particularly remember the time I'd had to drop everything to look after my grandmother who was dying of brain cancer, and was hallucinating on her own at home. He'd taken my car, so I told him I'd get back to the quickest train station, which was about 23 minutes from our home. He insisted I spent an extra 40 minutes changing trains that the nearest big city, so I could get in to one that was only 15 minutes away.

I can very easily believe that women who've been abused either don't learn to drive, or feel they cannot drive - or don't have access to a car. It's not helpful to imply this is their fault.

Abusive men target weak women.

Even if you dont drive: busses exist.

What does this even mean? In lots of areas buses don't exist, not in any way that gives women proper freedom.

Yes, but it's not just about driving, I also see "there's no wraparound or school holiday clubs where we live so I can't work" - then why live there?! I don't understand why people choose to live in these places but if you suggest moving house, you get "oh but I couldn't uproot us all"

I can drive but hate it and that is part of the reason why we live in London.

I can only speak from personal experience, but in my case this was true. When I tried to learn to drive my controlling ex would create a highly stressful situation the night before my test. I failed several times and gave up. I passed my test a within weeks of our breakup. In hindsight it was obvious he didn't want me to have any independence.

I worked with someone who had spent 30 years teaching at a school in a market town and living in a quite remote village (as in not far from the town geographically but with no buses, and too far/too dangerous a road to walk or cycle) without ever being able to drive. She relied on a lift or a taxi every day. Her DH seemed nice and she always spoke highly of him so I don’t know if it was a relationship dynamic thing or not - he certainly never stood in her way of going anywhere - but it seemed an odd choice and other colleagues said they had been telling her for decades to learn to drive!