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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite “Randy Mandy”

276 replies

Jusrollinstones · 19/07/2022 10:07

AIBU to not invite to a BBQ a woman who is chasing my DH?

I’m organising a BBQ at my house for my walking group. A few months ago at the pub, one of the women got drunk and threw herself at my DH. I wasn’t there but DH told me immediately, and friends who saw it also told me. Since then she has tried to flirt with him at every opportunity. She has messaged him and he showed me the message and that he has blocked her. She has also bad mouthed our marriage, saying to a few friends that DH has confided in her that he’s not happy at home and she thinks she is in with a chance with him. Friends have said she makes a habit of this with married men and call her something similar to “Randy Mandy”.

I don’t want to exclude one person in the group from the BBQ, but I really dislike this woman. AIBU to not invite her? DH wont be there.

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 19/07/2022 11:48

Don't play games with someone who will happily ruin your life.
It's not worth the brain space.

Don't bother inviting her to make a point. Don't bother texting her to calling her out to 'win'.
Just don't bother with her full stop.

If she tries to start drama, shut it down by telling her that she has made it clear that she isn't your friend by coming after your husband and bad mouthing your marriage, therefore she isn't invited. Don't get into it with her. Stay factual and firm.

doubtfulguest · 19/07/2022 11:52

I am baffled. Why would you consider inviting someone who has shown no respect towards you or your husband and is actively trying to harm your relationship? That behaviour is far ruder than not extending a party invite.

Felixsmama · 19/07/2022 11:54

Is your husband Ryan Gosling? I can't imagine someone making that much of a fool of themselves over someone 🤣😂 unless they were like 15.

DaisyStPatience · 19/07/2022 11:55

JinglingHellsBells · 19/07/2022 11:17

@DaisyStPatience Please stop comparing flirting in a walking group situation with sexual harassment. That is a completely ridiculous thing to say and undermines women (or men) who are really sexually harassed.

If every person who had ever flirted was accused of SH what a weird world it would be.

FFS

What undermines victims of sexual harassment is people like you minimising it. Her response to this man rejecting her advances has been to make repeated, unwanted attempts at contacting him through various channels which have clearly made him uncomfortable enough to block her, and attempting to insult and embarass the man and his wife by making up lies about them to mutual friends. Nothing about that is reciprocal - it's unwanted and it's upsetting and that makes it harassment.

Viviennemary · 19/07/2022 11:55

She is not invited. End of.

Winterflower84 · 19/07/2022 11:55

Just block her from your life. That's what I'd do. I'm surprised you're even discussing this.

Cheminaufaules · 19/07/2022 11:56

Be the bigger person and invite her. Leave her to herself while she's there.
The other members of the group should respect you for that. Not all of them will know the reason why she had not been invited and you do not want to get into a long justification about why she is absent. She presents no threat to your marriage. We all will encounter this type of character at some stage in our lives. Don't let her drain your energy.
Observe her from afar if it amuses you.

DoingJustFine · 19/07/2022 11:58

Why invite her? She's shown you zero respect and is interfering in your marriage. Why would you invite someone like that into your home?

Just don't.

RincewindsHat · 19/07/2022 11:59

Normally I wouldn't exclude one person from a group, but in this case I would and if anyone asked why I'd tell them exactly why! She is reaping what she has sown.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 19/07/2022 12:00

If she is publicly badmouthing your marriage and openly declaring her desire for and her belief she has a chance with your husband, then I simply can't see why anyone would expect you to invite her. If somebody has the cheek to ask you, point this out.

Monkey2001 · 19/07/2022 12:00

I haven't read the whole thread, but there is a saying - "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"! If you can't cut the woman out of your life, it may be better to maintain a gloss of friendship.

SarahSissions · 19/07/2022 12:01

When it’s a woman doing this it’s disrespectful if a man was dong it it would be seen as predatory. Don’t invite her, and if she says anything, as a team say that “you don’t get the joke, you know she thinks it’s funny, but it makes you both uncomfortable”. If you don’t say that you think it’s a joke, she’ll just try and laugh it off

Zilla1 · 19/07/2022 12:02

HNRTT but don't let this be framed as you being unkind, rather you frame it to anyone who asks/your friends in the group as being kind by not putting her in a difficult position by inviting her then making her decline.

Reddevilish · 19/07/2022 12:03

if your DH isn't going to be there then invite her.At least you know where she is and you could maybe have a chat once she's all boozed up to make things clear in front of the group .

Maybe lie and say that your DH will be there - norks will be tumbling out of that red number

AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/07/2022 12:04

The grown up adult me would say to not bother inviting her but my inner teenage girl is asking you to invite her and then come back and tell us all the details of her behaviour on the day.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/07/2022 12:05

@DaisyStPatience If I was a woman who had been sexually harassed maybe in the workplace or on public transport or stalked on SM I'd be furious to see you comparing that to a middle aged woman flirting with a middle aged man in a walking group, especially when he was perfectly capable of dealing with it.

YOU are the one minimising serious sexual harassment, by conflating flirting openly within a group, and something far more sinister. This man was not under threat at any time. It implies you have zero life experience and a very skewed perception of what SH is.

FGS get a grip and stop this. Please.

Charmatt · 19/07/2022 12:06

Jusrollinstones · 19/07/2022 10:22

I know it is a bit pathetic, but so is her behaviour

Show quote history

This happened to me when I'd only been married for a couple of years (though I'd been with my OH for 7 years at that point!)

Take this seriously - the woman in our case worked with my OH and she made it all out to be a joke, but it increasingly got to the point where it felt like an assault on our marriage. My husband took it to his line manager after she sent him a message, knowing that I'd see it, saying 'have you told her it's over yet?' It was only about a month that this escalated over but it was horrible and completed unwanted by my OH. He was completely upfront about it and was really upset about it - we were both only 24 and she was nearly 30 and had been at the company longer, so he felt harassed by it.

When confronted she said the reason she pursued him was that no man had ever turned her down and that every man she'd ever gone after had eventually started a relationship with her. She moved on to someone else straight away and his marriage broke down because they had an affair. They married but divorced a couple of years down the line, due to her having another affair.

Would I let her on my property? Hell, no!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 19/07/2022 12:09

JinglingHellsBells · 19/07/2022 12:05

@DaisyStPatience If I was a woman who had been sexually harassed maybe in the workplace or on public transport or stalked on SM I'd be furious to see you comparing that to a middle aged woman flirting with a middle aged man in a walking group, especially when he was perfectly capable of dealing with it.

YOU are the one minimising serious sexual harassment, by conflating flirting openly within a group, and something far more sinister. This man was not under threat at any time. It implies you have zero life experience and a very skewed perception of what SH is.

FGS get a grip and stop this. Please.

Massively disagree with you.

She has made unwanted sexual advances and yet still continues.

This is more than just flirting.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/07/2022 12:10

Monkey2001 · 19/07/2022 12:00

I haven't read the whole thread, but there is a saying - "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"! If you can't cut the woman out of your life, it may be better to maintain a gloss of friendship.

What weird advise, she's not a teenager she's grown woman, why would she "pretend" to be friends with someone she doesn't like and who has lied about her and disrespected her? Your advise only makes any sort of sense if you think she's going to succeed in sleeping with her husband and if that's the case then he's not worth the "fight" either

drawacircleroundit · 19/07/2022 12:11

Your husband has blocked her. I would want to support him by not then inviting her into my home.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/07/2022 12:11

@DaisyStPatience Contrary to your post, she did not contact him repeatedly through various channels.

Read what is there.

She sent him a message which he showed the OP and then he blocked her.

Hardly the harassment you imply.

amusedbush · 19/07/2022 12:12

It's shitty to exclude a small child from a class birthday party. This a grown woman who knows exactly what she's doing; she certainly wouldn't be welcome in my house after making a pass at my husband and telling mutual friends that she intends to start an affair with him.

I wouldn't invite her - not to take the piss out of her, not to placate others in the group, and not to engage in a performative look-how-happy-our-marriage-is willy waving contest. Don't play games.

And your "friend" who said it would be mean to exclude her isn't much of a friend. There is no grey area in this situation and there is no need for a devil's advocate. Throwing yourself at your friend's husband is a scumbag move and indefensible.

SpilltheTea · 19/07/2022 12:13

Has your husband pulled her up on it? Don't invite her, no one wants a sexual harasser at an event.

timeisnotaline · 19/07/2022 12:16

It is a perfectly acceptable boundary to say I do not invite people who have thrown themselves at my husband to my house. You should suggest your friend work on the idea of boundaries if she thinks this is rude (as others say, she would change her mind if it were her Dh!)

MrsWolfyWoo · 19/07/2022 12:17

I would never invite her .

if she asked why she wasn’t invited - I would politely explain it was due to her inappropriate behavior and that you don’t appreciate her trying to ruin your marriage .