DD18 has made me cry tonight - who is in the wrong

[Safarigiraffe]

Took my daughter 18 to a appointment but it was out of our normal area so picked her up at 8pm. Basically she messaged me to say to get her 730 which was fine so didn’t realise car needed petrol as my husband took car to work today so had to stop off at petrol station as I would be driving on motorway. DD18 then messaged me to say as I was driving that she’s walking down the same route I took her fine I thought had her on Life360 so could see where she was.
However my Life360 was out of range & wasn’t updating so couldn’t see her at all & DD18 was not on route we took before so I phoned her to see where she was and she said look on Life360 so then I couldn’t get it working on my side (not sure why but sometimes it does that) so then DD18 phoned me up shouting at me on the phone, messaging me to get lost 😞 & I annoyed her which made me get so mad at her but as I was shouting at her on the phone at her disrespectful manner my phone cut out so eventually found her. She gets in the car shouting blue murder at me, I’m shouting back, she then grabs my phone and throws it to the back seat, I couldn’t stop as I was on the motorway driving so got home and shouted, said to her no more lifts anymore, so now I’m sitting here crying & very madly upset as well. Just to say I went mad at her when I got back home as well.

Your Daughter was totally out of order, especially since you were giving her a lift in your car, which you didnt have to do. She probably feels bad for speaking to you like that. Does she know your crying and upset? Try not to go to sleep on an argument, lifes too short to be upset with one & other.

Dunno sounds to me like your a bit hot headed and quick to shout and so is your daughter 🤷‍♀️

She's 18 not 8

I totally agree with this approach. How is your daughter supposed to learn to moderate her behaviour and reactions when her mum hasn't? It is your job as her mother to model reasonable behaviour.

In your position, I would give her some time to calm down and then apologise for 'losing it'. I would then briefly explain that her behaviour was unacceptable and ask her how she thought we could have both handled things better. I would empathise with her feelings of frustration at not be picked up on time, but remind her that I was doing her a favour and that we are in control of our behaviour regardless of how we're feeling.

Just tell her that it clearly upsets her to be ferried around for free by her mum so to avoid any such possible future upset she will now be responsible for her own transport needs.

I've never heard of Life360. If someone needs a lift they go to the agreed pick up place and stay there until I get there.

Put it down to heat rage. I think unless you're not having to go anywhere in it, this heat is making us all go a bit wrong.

At 18 she should be driving herself places.

I was using my phone hands free

Still illegal. Do yo not read the news?

And she sounds like a right madam. Stop doing pickups.

I’d open, with

”I shouldn’t have shouted at you last night, however please think long and hard about how you treated me when I was the one actually doing you the favour. Can you see why I was mad? Anyway, I need to make it clear that if that ever, ever happens again, then there will be no more lifts ever again. As it is, we’ll draw a line under it this time, but just remember your manners in future. I will not be disrespected like that ever again, especially if I am trying to do you an actual favour. You need to be grateful, even if it isn’t quite what you are hoping for. Remember it’s a favour! And favours can be withdrawn!”

I think I would just let both parties cool off tonight.

Then I would let my dc come & find me with an apology in the morning. If this was not forthcoming, I would go & tell the teenage dc in question that I was pretty pissed off about going out to do them a favour, & it ending up with such unpleasant behaviour from them.

I wouldn't get into round 2 with them, I would just stick to 'I was doing you a favour, you were an arse about it, have a think'.

The next time I was requested to haul the car out & collect dc, I would be busy doing something else. On the sofa with a box set & glass of wine busy.

I've found it is the best strategy with older teenagers. They aren't quite wired up yet in terms of empathy, so go with transactional: I put myself out to help you, then you behaved like an ungrateful dick & it was all very unpleasant, & so I don't want to do that favour for you again, thank you.

The penny does drop slowly IME...

My DS do s this from time to time. I a spect that as their mother you have done so much of the organising in the past they just default to you to just know what and why they are doing.
Unfortunately they have jumped from 15-18 without learning how to organise and plan their activities. Pre pandemic they would have relied completely on you to organise and plan. Now they are young adults we are deferring to them but they have not developed the skills that they would have done under normal circumstances.
My DS recently passed his driving test and is now realising that he has to plan his own departure time rather than me just telling him to get in the car.
DS is learning fast. The pandemic has made him far more reliant on me than he should be at 18 and it is a struggle to implement change. To be honest he was far more organised before Covid than he is now. Lack of routine and structure has really messed them up. It has effectively delayed their development and he is definitely not on his own. I have had the same discussion with many of his peers parents.

@Angrymum22

That's a really fair point. I wouldn't immediately have considered that somebody who is 18 now would have been 15 and a half-ish at the start of 2020 and have "come of age" in such a weird period. I don't think it's any kind of excuse for that kind of attitude but, still, fair enough.

OP - just shave off one of her tinted eyebrows, not both!

Stop ferrying her around she's an adult

Had a similar incident with 16 yr old DS ( we agreed a time, he changed it twice as he decided that arsing about with his mates was more fun and then yelled at me for "being late" picking him up) . I said that if he carried on it would be the last lift I gave him. He carried on.

The next time I said no and he demanded to know why, I told him that the lift giver calls the shots, not the person asking for the favour . He had to walk in the pouring rain. Oddly enough he has stuck to my rules for giving lifts since then....

Sounds absolutely typical 18 year old behaviour on a hot day and dealing with tech failure.

OP teenagers are funking hard. They do get nicer though.

Your daughter behaved very badly, I wonder what had caused her short temper? Whatever it was, she was totally in the wrong to act how she did and she needs to apologise. I would certainly refuse to go out of my way to fetch & carry her, she needs to understand you are not her dogsbody. Teenagers can be infuriating, they think that we, their parents, are the unreasonable ones. They rarely think they are in the wrong, which adds to our righteous fury.

You cant defend the DD here. The OP's daughter is 18, not a 14yo in the midst of puberty, dont most teenagers grow out of the 'teen angst' phase by the time they are about 17/18? She's an adult who should know how to respect her parents and understand that the world does not revolve about her. There really is no excuse for this behaviour. Yes it is hot, even so, there is no need to hit the roof like that over was is a relatively minor issue / misunderstanding.

Furthermore, this was only a vanity appt, if it was the doctors / dentist etc I might have been a bit more sympathetic, however she was only getting her lashes done, she can wait. Tbh if she can afford beauty treatment, she can afford to get a uber / taxi / public transport.

My DD is epileptic so could not get her lisence immediately (got it at about 19), which meant I was the taxi driver when she was still at home, I was a single parent who worked FT so if she wanted a lift she had to work around my plans or she could walk / catch the bus / scrounge a lift from a mate. Sometimes I was late and other times I had to drop her off early. But she never spoke to me like that and was always grateful for a lift, and she had a medical condition preventing her from having her independence.

If my dc want to make themselves beauty appts at 18 they will have to also plan how to get there themselves or ask nicely and if it’s convenient for me I will, but it won’t be regularly convenient for me. I don’t regard beauty appts the same way as sports teams, school and medical appts, they are discretionary and they will get the same amount of lifts as they do to go to the movies etc. At 18 that number will be very low!

You have to seriously question your parenting generally. This is really poor parenting, to let it even get to this stage. The fact she thinks it's ok to treat you like this is shocking. Do you always try and be her mate, rather than her parent? You should sit her down and explain that you don't expect to be treated this way and won't tolerate it.

I agree with Tiana4. Dh should also be saying:
"don't you ever speak to your mother that way again nor throw their phone". End of.

Norgie
My daughter wouldn't have dared raise her voice to me, much less shout.
What punishment have you given her?

This post is quite sinister.

Sinister? Bullshit. I've never spoken to my mum like that. Ever. Wouldn't even occur to me. I love her to bits and out of respect I just wouldn't even dare.

What an appalling way for her to behave. Let her arrange her own transport from here on in.

what an entitles brat.

Tell her to get the train or bus next time