DD18 has made me cry tonight - who is in the wrong

[Safarigiraffe]

Took my daughter 18 to a appointment but it was out of our normal area so picked her up at 8pm. Basically she messaged me to say to get her 730 which was fine so didn’t realise car needed petrol as my husband took car to work today so had to stop off at petrol station as I would be driving on motorway. DD18 then messaged me to say as I was driving that she’s walking down the same route I took her fine I thought had her on Life360 so could see where she was.
However my Life360 was out of range & wasn’t updating so couldn’t see her at all & DD18 was not on route we took before so I phoned her to see where she was and she said look on Life360 so then I couldn’t get it working on my side (not sure why but sometimes it does that) so then DD18 phoned me up shouting at me on the phone, messaging me to get lost 😞 & I annoyed her which made me get so mad at her but as I was shouting at her on the phone at her disrespectful manner my phone cut out so eventually found her. She gets in the car shouting blue murder at me, I’m shouting back, she then grabs my phone and throws it to the back seat, I couldn’t stop as I was on the motorway driving so got home and shouted, said to her no more lifts anymore, so now I’m sitting here crying & very madly upset as well. Just to say I went mad at her when I got back home as well.

She sounds spoilt and ungrateful, she is in the wrong. If she is old enough to have beauty appointments she is old enough to get herself there and back. She would have been walking or getting a bus home if she had shouted at me over the phone. You will be a worn out doormat, if you let her carry on like that, she is abusive.

Anyway OP your daughter was completely in the wrong and she'll realise that when she next wants to go somewhere and has to make her own way there.

When someone is picking you up you stay where you are and wait, they are doing you a favour not the other way round.

Just imagine if it was a male partner you were picking up, who behaved like that, everyone would saying LTB!

Sounds like you were both stressed and frustrated.

Its not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. You have many more mother and daughter fights ahead of you. Let it go.

Come on. You´re the adult.
Both of you have had time to calm down. Go and talk to her properly, like too adults who lost it.
You do need to model adult behaviour. And sulking is not it.

Who paid for the eyelash thing? Maybe she didn't like the finished result. Also what time of the day was this?

I have two SEN children who shout at me regularly so this seems quite normal to me. They also shout at me when they have something they need to tell me, something that has upset them or gone wrong. All behaviour is communication. When things have calmed down we do talk about their behaviour (and mine sometimes).

You need to talk to her. She expected you to taxi her there and back then moved from the rondezvous point then yelled at you whilst flustering you over your technology. Speaking in a calm quiet voice helps.

Also let's not use the excuse of the heat for bad behaviour we wouldn't want a domestic abuse murderer to use this excuse.

Yes I’m the adult however it doesn’t mean I can be a punchbag for my DDs frustration & stress cos she decided to wander away from pick up point

Maybe she didn’t like finished result maybe she did idk have no idea. This was DAYLIGHT 730pm in a very busy well lit area lots of people & cars about no matter what even if it wasn’t I can’t see how her behaviour is justified & accepted cos I’m her mum & lost it with her as well AFTER the way she reacted, telling me to get lost & throwing my phone back of car seat

No one is saying you should be a punching bag, op, but as the mother and the adult, you need to model better self control. You shouting and going mad at her is not doing that. When she loses control, it's important that you keep yours.

OP I agree with you.. how dare she shout and talk to you like that.

She should have been grateful you were willing to take her to the appointment.

It's very disrespectful and that's the last lift she'd get from me to do her bloody eyebrows 😠

As an aside, If nothing else this thread is a good example of why we shouldn’t rely on technology. In t’olden days she’d have stayed put because contacting you was not an option. Always assume the technology will fail!

Life360 is so fickle. I go through this with my daughter and her phone all the time. I'm so sorry she yelled, I know the feeling. Just breathe mama and tomorrow will be different.

Yes I totally agree with that however it’s very hard to drive with being shouted at & having my phone thrown to back of car seat on a motorway & for the fact I was told to get lost I find totally unacceptable so I lost it with her for that very reason which if this was anyone else’s daughter behaving like this at 18 i am sure their mums would lose it just like I did tonight

Thank you 🙏

If it was a son, then he'd be called violent and op told to kick him out.

Her behaviour was absolutely foul. I would completely stop making her life easier any longer. Time to grow the fuck up.

Nobody said you should be a punch bag.
But the silent treatment achieves very little. As does shouting back.
It´s much better to discuss what happened. And to be assertive about what you expect from her. Including a proper apology.
Then, move on.

“if this was anyone else’s daughter behaving like this at 18 i am sure their mums would lose it just like I did tonight“

I think you’re in a sizeable minority for sure - but still a minority. I do not think that anyone else would have reacted the way you did. I think the most common reaction would be to say, “do NOT speak to me like that” - and drive home ignoring the ranting, then dealing with it at home.

There isn't any justification for her behaviour. There's no reason why she couldn't just stand and wait an extra 5 minutes.

I wouldn't be driving her anywhere ever again.

If I can piece together your posts correctly... it sounds like you arrived half an hour late because you suddenly realised you needed to get petrol.

The weather today has been horrible. I've been hiding indoors with the fan on. If I had to stand outside in the sun for half an hour, I would definitely not be my nicest, most rational and most patient version of myself. This heat is just unbearable and it's making people act poorly because they're just not coping.

I suggest you both forgive each other for today. It's been a difficult day.

If she's still acting like this when the weather goes back to normal, not acceptable, and a conversation needs to be had (and the favour of lifts withdrawn).

Hope you're feeling a bit less miserable about it now some time has passed. I'm sure you both love each other really and this is just one little blip.

An 18 year old who is old enough to drive, drink, shag, vote, live on their own, etc, has tantrum because her mum can't find her on some GPS based tracking thing and had to stop for petrol on the way to pick her up from an eyebrow tinting appointment seemingly quite a long way from home and at an earlier time than previously discussed.

That sounds as pathetic reading it back in summary as it did writing it.

You're not at fault here, Op. You've possibly raised an egotistical, entitled, selfish human but, given her age, I'd expect - and hope - she'll grow out of it.

She's an adult though. She shouldn't be speaking to you or behaving the way she did - and nor would she if you were anyone other than her mother - and although it's hard, you might want to start cutting some of the apron strings and pointing toward the bus stop next time.

Shave her eyebrows off while she's asleep and offer to drive her 5 minutes either way of your front door to buy a crayon to draw 'em back on with.

Heat stress makes you cross grumpy aggressive etc. If she is not normally like that then put it down to this.

What a fkg little bitch.

That would be considered highly abusive if eg a partner did it.

I wouldn't be giving her a lift again for a while and I'd make ot clear why.

(Incidentally the trend for fans of extra thick lashes and slug eye brows ... looks like shit and is a waste of money).

We all have our bad moments. I don´t normally shout, but it has happened in the past.
The important thing is what we do when we have time to calm down.
Go to her and tell her you need to talk. If needs be, end up explaining calmly why you won´t give her any more lifts. But not in anger, simply because when we do favours to other people, we should expect politeness, at the very least.
Something tells me that he is used to having things done for her with no need to thank.

The DD is 18, also an adult.