DD18 has made me cry tonight - who is in the wrong

[Safarigiraffe]

Took my daughter 18 to a appointment but it was out of our normal area so picked her up at 8pm. Basically she messaged me to say to get her 730 which was fine so didn’t realise car needed petrol as my husband took car to work today so had to stop off at petrol station as I would be driving on motorway. DD18 then messaged me to say as I was driving that she’s walking down the same route I took her fine I thought had her on Life360 so could see where she was.
However my Life360 was out of range & wasn’t updating so couldn’t see her at all & DD18 was not on route we took before so I phoned her to see where she was and she said look on Life360 so then I couldn’t get it working on my side (not sure why but sometimes it does that) so then DD18 phoned me up shouting at me on the phone, messaging me to get lost 😞 & I annoyed her which made me get so mad at her but as I was shouting at her on the phone at her disrespectful manner my phone cut out so eventually found her. She gets in the car shouting blue murder at me, I’m shouting back, she then grabs my phone and throws it to the back seat, I couldn’t stop as I was on the motorway driving so got home and shouted, said to her no more lifts anymore, so now I’m sitting here crying & very madly upset as well. Just to say I went mad at her when I got back home as well.

Is that not the actual definition of a punishment..?

I wouldn't be upset. I'd be pissed off.

You were doing her a favour and she behaved badly.

I'd let her cool off (mentally and physically) for a few hours then I calmly tell her that her behaviour was appalling and if she wants a lift again in the future she needs to apologise (and a repeat episode means she'd better get used to paying for a taxi or using public transport).

Had something happened in between you left her, and picked her up?

It doesn’t really sound like normal behaviour from neither of you, but you shouldn’t be yelled at for picking her up.

This from the OP

"then DD18 phoned ... which made me get so mad at her but as I was shouting at her on the phone at her disrespectful manner my phone cut out so eventually found her. She gets in the car shouting blue murder at me, I’m shouting back, she then grabs my phone and throws it to the back seat, I couldn’t stop as I was on the motorway driving so got home and shouted, said to her no more lifts anymore, so now I’m sitting here crying "

From this narrative, it seems to be half-a-dozen on one side and six on the other ... I think you both need to sit down in, maybe, a neutral location and talk through your relationship.? Suggested with caring thoughts.... xxx

She did say to me she was in a area she didn’t know however so was I which is why I told her to make sure she stayed at drop off point but she didn’t she wandered off a bit too far and expected me to find her

She's a brat! I agree with a pp - as soon as she started shouting at me I would have turned around and gone home. Don't offer her lifts in future - she's 18, old enough to sort her own life out.

Yes maybe I should not have shouted back at her, however there’s no excuse for the way she acted tonight I’m her mum not her friend and she should treat me with respect not phoning me up shouting at me cos i couldn’t find her, messaging me to get lost & shouting at me in the car & grabbing my phone & throwing it in the back seat. If this was her friend picking her up she wouldn’t of no way of behaved in this way

Could you just go and genuinly ask her what happened for you both to become so angry, this is not how you want it. See if you both can say sorry and give her a hug (even though she really might not deserve it right now).

How were you reading all these messages?

Who pays for this brat's phone? If it's you, I'd be taking it away immediately. That kind of behaviour has consequences.

It sounds like maybe she got herself a bit lost and panicked and took it out on you. If it's hot where you are, she was probably sweaty and panicked and a bit stressed. You reacting by shouting then escalated the situation.

Not excusing her behaviour but I think lots of people behave irrationally and get grumpy in the heat - and I suspect you did too which is why you shouted at her and are now crying.

Go and cool off (both of you!) and start again tomorrow.

She sent me a message to get lost as I was already parked up on side cos she phoned me up that’s when she sent me a message of get lost

Probably just the heat. It has driven me nearly insane today. I went for a walk about 7pm and then drove to Sainsbury’s. By the time I got there, I swear I hated every f*cking human I saw - every other driver, every pedestrian, everyone. I wanted to kill somebody!! God, it’s unbelievable how much rage I feel when it’s hot.

It’s a natural consequence, isn’t it? I wouldn’t be giving anyone a lift if they spoke to me like that. Punishment I thought was something like grounding?

Jesus christ

We are talking 730/745 evening daylight hours lots of people around she was not in a isolated area

And also tell her that since you love her and want her to be safe, you’re happy to pick her up and want to do so in the future, but acting like this is just not on. Which I suspect she is already well aware of.

Just the heat? How come we're not all shouting at each other then?

Perfect response.
My sister did this to me screaming, shouting and swearing at me and my DC.
Ok no more lifts !

Almost everyone is feeling vile in this heat.

No they're not. Have not heard or seen anyone having a meltdown.

She sounds like a spoilt little madam. Throwing her mum's phone through the car?! Fuck that!

@Safarigiraffe that’s awful - and on the motorway. You could both have been killed! I hope you are ok.

No more lifts, she can find her own way home from now on.
Your mistake was shouting back, let her rant but you maintain deadly silence until home, then calmly tell her Don’t ever speak to me like that again, from now on find your own way home.
And mean it.

I think the main thing to discuss with your DD and yourself is not to allow yourselves to scream and shout at each other. This is not a great way to communicate even if you are pissed off at each other. There is no way she speaks to her friends like this so why would she do it to you? Do you often talk to each other this way? Also with your Dp/Dh. are you setting that as an example?

You need a discussion when you are both calm about what happened.

I am keeping quiet not in same room as her & completely ignoring her as well

The heat was making signal drop from some peoples mobiles all day (had lots of probs at work due to this)

Your DD behaved appallingly. She doesn't get to shout at you, nor ever snatch and throw your telephone. She's behaved in a very spoilt way. She's lucky you picked her up as at 18 she can get herself home and my 17 and 18 year olds often do/ did, even if journey takes them 1 1:2 hours from walking to from train-stations either end and waiting for a train later at night when they are working or out. (Of both sexes)

Have a word in the morning as heat is making everyone short fused - & she will have felt hot hot hot waiting- but that was entirely unacceptable behaviour.

She might think it through and apologise tomorrow of her own voilition -

If not, have you a DP or her Dad who can "have a word" Tomorrow if she doesn't apologise. Sometimes another parent tagging in to say "don't you ever speak to your mother/ father/ sibling/ grandparent that way again nor throw their phone" is really helpful.

Defo no lifts for time being so she feels an inconvenience but be careful tomorrow as it's a red alert heat day