Nursery sick of my child

[Ladymartin]

Went to pick my daughter up from nursery today and her key worker practically threw her at me saying she’s been screaming all day and they have tried everything. This has been going on a while with one or other of them bringing my daughter to me saying she’s been crying etc and they can’t stop her. They have had a right day with her etc. I’m at a loss. She likes a lot of attention and being outside. I said this to the manager and she said we have playtimes but can’t be outside all day because of one child. I know today has been hot but his has been going on for months since she started. They just say she cries and screams like in temper but they try everything and she won’t stop. I have said what about solutions and they have said they literally can’t do more than they have done. I am a single parent and need to work. I have other children who went to this nursery and were fine. I told my sister and she just said well you know what she’s like she must do their heads in (not helping sis!!) Surely it’s their job to put up with crying children though? She has no issues or special needs apart from liking attention. She is almost two . Has anyone had children who acted like this ? I feel like I’m being unfair on the staff for inflicting her on them .

It’s not their job to put up with crying children. No child should be crying that much - it suggests that something is wrong. You seem more annoyed that they won’t put up with crying than concerned that your daughter is extremely unhappy at nursery. I couldn’t bear the thought of my daughter crying all day at nursery. You need to find alternative childcare.

Sorry if this has been said already but as a childminder, if I have a child who is screaming all day every day more than 3 weeks after they start with me, despite trying everything to help them, then my policy is to tell the parents that it’s not working out, child is obviously unhappy and maybe a different setting would work better. Now in 22 years of childminding, I’ve only came close to this once and that was a child that cried non stop for 3 weeks but the parents begged me to try for one more week so I did & she just suddenly settled but I wouldn’t keep a child who was so clearly unhappy. It’s not fair on the child or the other children in my care.

A screaming/crying child is going to upset the other kids and frustrate the staff.
She obviously hasn’t t settled so You should be trying something else.

I'd try a childminder instead.

Professionals can cope to a degree but just because they can’t doesn’t mean they’re not excellent at their job it just means there’s something amiss that they can’t find. If she is honestly fine a lot of the time and something medical has been ruled out (teeth and ears as someone above says), maybe you just do have to go looking for a new place. I think I’d have different advice if she were older but she’s so young! It’s difficult for all of you, Id say it’s tough for them to have to admit nothing is working for them

You mentioned you expect them to be able to cope with a crying child. If they're not able to do what you think is right by your DD, then definitely look at other childcare options.

The staff are obviously reluctant to just leave her to it, but they do have other children to care for, change, feed and play with, so there's only so much time for other children.

You made the comment about your sister. Do you think she's more demanding than other children, even with you? If the honest answer is yes, then might be worth talking to a health care professional for assessment.

Exactly! Yet these very people wouldn't be able to cope being in a teacher role. Easy to make demands when you have one or 2 children, but I'd like to see the attitude when managing a whole class of children.

Considering your sisters response, it's a safe bet this is a common behaviour for your child at home. You need to stop that. Make her understand she can't just cry and tantrum to get what she wants. I'm not surprised the nursery are tired of dealing with her tbh. I'd move her to a childminder and see if she gets on differently.

Why don’t you just move her to an completely outside nursery?

My DS went to nursery at 9 months and he absolutely was 'demanding and spoiled' with my love and attention. He was also 'hard work'. We went to the only nursery available to us and they were amazing. They never made me feel like they didn't like having him there and would just say 'he had plenty cuddles today'. Once he was walking and talking he loved going to nursery and used to go down to the baby room every day to say goodbye to his favourite key worker who I'm sure he was a horror to in the early days.

He then went to school nursery and it was the best in the area but I hated him there. Every single day I would pick him up and the key worker would roll her eyes at him and say that he wouldn't stop talking to her and doesn't listen. I then discovered that he was the only verbal child in his group who spoke English so he was speaking to her to make conversation.

When we moved house he started at his last school nursery and the key worker was super enthusiastic. There was free flow to the garden except at lunchtime and plenty of kids to play with and he thrived.

Unless she's particularly verbal at 22 months she's expressing herself by crying, she's not spoiled or needs her behaviour managed. It does sound like she needs a change of childcare setting though, perhaps that environment isn't for her. My friends child is very introverted and HATED every second of nursery but was a dream at home, she loved just pottering about doing her own thing and had a few close friends, the constant social interaction was too much for her.

To be honest I think this is why nursery care for under 2/3s isn't the best. It's a long day for them to be around lots of children and adults they might not always be familiar with. I think it would be unlikely for her to cry all day if you moved her to a childminder who she could form a good bond with and who has less children to deal with / can get to know her really well. Unless there's another underlying reason for it, is she the same at home?

Sounds like your dd is disrupting the whole room. And tainting the sanity of the workers. If a kid won't stop crying allll dayyyy longggg. It would be horrendous for the people working there. And all the other kids. Not to mention stressful for your own dd.

Your sister even said "I told my sister and she just said well you know what she’s like she must do their heads in"

So your dd sounds like she..well... is more than just a handful...

Get a childminders perhaps

100% this

You need to find different childcare for her. Crying all day is not fair on your dd, the other children or the staff.

Have you spoken with the nursery about what you can also do to help her to settle? I think it probably needs to be a joint effort not just the nursery. It can’t be nice for them to see her distressed all day every day and they may feel exasperated at the fact they have tried different tactics and nothing is working.

Look at it this way,
Either they are crap at their jobs and not doing enough to help her settle. So you should move her to somewhere better.
Or...
They are good at their jobs and have exhausted all ideas to help her settle. So she's obviously just unhappy there and you should move her somewhere else to see if she's happier.

New nursery wont change anything. Childminder wont change anything.
I had/have (hes a lot better now) a very clingy, whingy little boy. Wants to be held all day and wan'ts to stay outside and go on walks ALL DAY.

I've been in OP's shoes. We've moved nurseries, moved to child minders. Nothing help! Why? Because the things is as Op has said her DC loves attention and unfortunately you're not gonna find that anywhere. Only OP can give DC all the attention she needs.

All I can say is good luck OP and if she's like mine, she'll grow out of it soon.

Absolutely shocked and saddened at the harsh and unkind punitive responses here 😳 🙄 😒 😑

This is a BABY we are talking about....this poor tiny little girl is ONE!

OP sorry to be blunt but your attitude towards your little girl is really bad.The fact you are more concerned about the impact of her crying on the staff rather than her emotional wellbeing, have left her there crying all day every day for months without seemingly having any thought about how upset she is feeling, and think she is doing it for attention, is all incredibly concerning. I think you need to look at taking a course to help you with your parenting and to understand child development (and perhaps take your unhelpful sister along too!) And maybe some support to build your bond with your daughter. I sense that your little girl could likely have an insecure attachment with you...you seem to be viewing her very negatively and expecting way too much from her for her age.Does she actually get much positive attention or 1-1 time with you to play?? Do you cuddle and soothe her when she is upset or just discipline her??

The nursery sounds awful...no child should be left to cry for hours...even once, they should have called you to collect her and if it continued ask you to take her out and try somewhere else for her own welfare.It is NOT normal for children to cry non stop...afew tears at drop off then quickly settle is different (i used to work in a nursery) The fact someone else who works in a nursery thinks it is is worrying.

Nurseries should offer free flow indoor/outdoor play (other than in extreme temperatures) they should never be viewing any child as 'a problem' and should also know that no one year old 'plays up for attention' She is crying because her emotional needs are not being met and she is UNHAPPY!

I would hate to be her right now tbh, and it makes me feel really sad thinking about what she is coping with. Please please take her out the nursery immediately, work on your relationship with her and how you view her.She is your baby, and you are her mummy who she craves love and kindness from, so please give her that.

I know you have work, but surely your child's wellbeing should come before anything? :-/

I think yours is the most harsh and unkind response so far, tbh

Believe me they would have tried very hard because they don't want her screaming all day. It's terrible for staff and horrible and unsettling for the other kids. I think you need to move her

Look who's talking about being harsh????

Yeah OP doesn't need to work to keep a roof over her children's head! You sound ridiculous!

The situation she's in is hard but don't come for her parenting!

I completely agree with this - she needs a new setting, whether another nursery or a childminder. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with this one, though having used both a nursery with set, limited outdoor times for the children and now one where it's totally free-flow I would never go back to the former. Sometimes somewhere just doesn't work for a particular child.

I still think your biggest clue is in what your own sister said. This is clearly an issue that stems from outside of nursery that even your sister says she must do peoples heads in, so she's clearly a very demanding child even outside a nursery setting. You seem to be completely missing that clue. This is a child that needs one on one attention, not a whole class where it's just not feasible to give one child all the attention. I think a childminder is probably your answer here.

DM would say that about DS... he has an autism diagnosis now, and all the years of speech delays, meltdowns and struggling in her house with TVs/ radios blaring, or with going out to lunch were not actually him being spoilt, it was him being overwhelmed and her wants/ needs clashing with what he could cope with.

Family opinions are not always helpful indicators. DM is still of the children should be seen and not heard type, and DS1 was never going to please her.

OP's DD sounds miserable and it doesn't sound like the setting is meeting her needs well. It would be worth investigating other viable options. It takes a huge amount of energy for a child to constantly cry, they're not doing it for fun and it's not like an 8yo constantly badgering for attention.

There's lots of reasons why very young children can be overwhelmed and prefer 1:1 attention and outdoor space and that needs exploring.

I was talking about being harsh and unkind to the child...but as usual this site is full of posters empowering authoritarian parenting, an 'adults are above children' attitude and belittling and totally disregarding the rights and needs of our smallest members of society in the process....no wonder there's such a high waiting list for CAMHS and so many kids struggling with their mental health.
Until we learn to treat our children more humanely, that will never change.

This poor little one clearly has incredible separation anxiety and wherever she settles next she will likely need gradual and gentle settling in to resolve that.I echo the recommendations of a childminder.

And as regards the work thing, perhaps OP has a family member or friend who can collect her DD if she is upset and look after her til you finish work,or so she can do shorter sessions to begin with (maybe the sister could do that and actually offer support rather than saying stupid comments that don't help whatsoever!)

And maybe book some annual leave to cover her settling in gradually somewhere new?