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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery sick of my child

114 replies

Ladymartin · 18/07/2022 18:51

Went to pick my daughter up from nursery today and her key worker practically threw her at me saying she’s been screaming all day and they have tried everything. This has been going on a while with one or other of them bringing my daughter to me saying she’s been crying etc and they can’t stop her. They have had a right day with her etc. I’m at a loss. She likes a lot of attention and being outside. I said this to the manager and she said we have playtimes but can’t be outside all day because of one child. I know today has been hot but his has been going on for months since she started. They just say she cries and screams like in temper but they try everything and she won’t stop. I have said what about solutions and they have said they literally can’t do more than they have done. I am a single parent and need to work. I have other children who went to this nursery and were fine. I told my sister and she just said well you know what she’s like she must do their heads in (not helping sis!!) Surely it’s their job to put up with crying children though? She has no issues or special needs apart from liking attention. She is almost two . Has anyone had children who acted like this ? I feel like I’m being unfair on the staff for inflicting her on them .

OP posts:
ItsSnowJokes · 18/07/2022 18:55

You admit she cries for attention and because she wants to be in the garden. They can't do that for one child when they may have 20 other children all wanting attention and to do other things. Also being in the garden all day today would have been crazy! You would have had loads of other parents complaining to the nursery that there child was outside all day in a heatwave.

You don't sound happy with the childcare so maybe you should look to move her, maybe a childminder with less children to look after, but you also need to work on her screaming all day because she wants attention.

DashboardConfessional · 18/07/2022 18:56

I also think you need to look for a childminder. How many are in her room?

RedWingBoots · 18/07/2022 18:58

All your children are individuals.

If she is screaming and crying then she is communicating something to you like she doesn't like the nursery.

See if you can find an alternative nursery or childminder who allow more time outside who will take her, and then change settings.

Btw my DD has to go outside for hours until she is tired then she will happily play inside. Luckily I found a CM and then a nursery that both do lots of outside play.

Original poster
Ladymartin · 18/07/2022 18:59

I understand that but as childcare professionals I expect them to be able to cope with a crying child. I take on board what you are saying about the childminder though. I feel like they should be working harder to settle her

OP posts:
SashaMannDeservedBetter · 18/07/2022 18:59

There are maybe 6 in her room, they moved her rooms in case she was bored but it made not much difference

ItsSnowJokes · 18/07/2022 19:00

RedWingBoots · 18/07/2022 18:58

All your children are individuals.

If she is screaming and crying then she is communicating something to you like she doesn't like the nursery.

See if you can find an alternative nursery or childminder who allow more time outside who will take her, and then change settings.

Btw my DD has to go outside for hours until she is tired then she will happily play inside. Luckily I found a CM and then a nursery that both do lots of outside play.

It sounds like she screams and cries at home by the reply of the sister though. So I wouldn't say its the nursery at fault or the child trying to communicate something. I think it's the child trying to get their own way as it works at home and she is doing it at nursery.

Cannylaughs · 18/07/2022 19:00

Do you think she is using learnt behaviour. She cries to get attention and her own way. Does she do this at home.
I am wondering if this is the way she's worked out that she gets time with you at home.
You may need to support nursery by not reacting to her screaming but go to her when she's happy playing or being around you.
It's very hard for a nursery to break a behaviour if it's possibly reinforced at home.

Splicebaked · 18/07/2022 19:02

Check her for earache or tooth ache

dandelionthistle · 18/07/2022 19:03

Horrible to be made to feel your small child isn't accepted as she is. Behaviour is communication - which isn't to say that she should get whatever she's crying for, but it also shouldn't be approached as a bad habit to train her out of.

BTW - until the heatwave today, both of my children have been able to be outside virtually all day at nursery if they've wanted to. It's free flow. DD (currently nursery age) has 4 x 10 min 'group time' when she has to be inside (one at the start and end of the morning and afternoon session), and has to be inside during lunchtime. Other than that she can choose where she is. DS had similar setup when he was at nursery. It's good practice, not an unreasonable demand from your child.

Too often people value small children for their convenience and their compliance.

yanbu.

User0ne · 18/07/2022 19:04

I sent my eldest to a nursery at first. We're very outdoorsy and he liked adult interaction. He never settled in the 10m he was there and they wouldn't/couldn't give him what he needed.

After ds2 I sent them both to a childminder. What a difference! The older 2 are at school now and ds3 is at a childminder. I wouldn't even consider a nursery now.

butterflied · 18/07/2022 19:05

They have other kids to look after. Sounds like she's disruptive because she wants attention a lot. Not ideal in a nursery. Work with them (and probably listen to your sister) by addressing the behaviour at home.

dandelionthistle · 18/07/2022 19:07

dandelionthistle · 18/07/2022 19:03

Horrible to be made to feel your small child isn't accepted as she is. Behaviour is communication - which isn't to say that she should get whatever she's crying for, but it also shouldn't be approached as a bad habit to train her out of.

BTW - until the heatwave today, both of my children have been able to be outside virtually all day at nursery if they've wanted to. It's free flow. DD (currently nursery age) has 4 x 10 min 'group time' when she has to be inside (one at the start and end of the morning and afternoon session), and has to be inside during lunchtime. Other than that she can choose where she is. DS had similar setup when he was at nursery. It's good practice, not an unreasonable demand from your child.

Too often people value small children for their convenience and their compliance.

yanbu.

To add to this - I think some insecure childcare professionals find it difficult to cope when children don't meet their expectations. It challenges their belief that they are 'good at this', that they understand children, that children love them. All of which is bollocks of course, sometimes children just are tricky little souls, but I've definitely seen some professionals so caught up in their own unprocessed feelings about a "problem child" that it makes it harder for them to calm calling and find the way forward. Can't help children regulate when you're so unregulated yourself...

LuckyLil · 18/07/2022 19:07

Ladymartin · 18/07/2022 18:59

I understand that but as childcare professionals I expect them to be able to cope with a crying child. I take on board what you are saying about the childminder though. I feel like they should be working harder to settle her

But they e told you they can't do any more than they are and have tried everything and nothing works. How much harder do you think they should be working? I honestly think this is a cue to move her to a different group. None of us want to admit our own child might be hard work and constantly demanding but I'm wondering if your own sister says you know what she's like she must be doing their heads in, then perhaps it's not the staff. Is it possible she might be harder work than as a parent you'd like to admit?

CrapBag39 · 18/07/2022 19:07

You say they should be able to deal with a child crying all day, what about the other children? Should also be fine with one of their friends screaming and tantruming all day long. From sisters reaction I think this is a parenting issue. Nursery can’t parent your child for you of fix ingrained behaviours. Sounds like your child tantrums when she can’t get what she wants. They can’t constantly give in to her to appease her. You need to work on the behaviour at home.

dandelionthistle · 18/07/2022 19:11

Just spotted she is under two- they should have 1 adult to 3 children then! Let her have attention. What is it with this country and thinking that if a child shows they need some attention the 'right answer' is to refuse it? My DS was often the little shadow to his key person at this age, he just wandered around with her all day and she happily accepted that. By the time he was in a class of 30 he knew full well how to fit in and share the v finite attention and not disrupt everybody else. Long before then, in fact.

The nursery is the issue here, not your toddler.

ouch12345 · 18/07/2022 19:12

My daughter was like this for a while around the same age. Nursery were really supportive and helped us do a sheet with what was to happen that day and add pictures e.g

Get up
Have breakfast
Go to nursery
Play with toys
Read a story with friends
Lunch
Paint
Have some time in the garden
Dinner
Mummy picks you up
Etc.

We drew pictures and talked about the routine at home and then nursery talked it through and with her during the day. It really helped with DD1.

Limecoconutice · 18/07/2022 19:17

How does she react when you drop her off at nursery op? Does she seem keen to go in? What about when you collect her? Is she happy or reluctant to leave?

Does she want to go outside because the noise and constant activity inside is too much for her inside or is she needed to get rid of excess energy?

One size does not fit all. A friend of mine had a little boy who could not be contained within four walls. No SEN - energy levels were sky high - he is now a professional rugby player, playing for a French team! He was just one of those children who was on the go from morning until night. This is often tolerated more in boys than in girls who are supposedly meant to be more "demure" and malleable. Could you find an alternative nursery where they focus on sports and outdoor activities?

Pbbananabagel · 18/07/2022 19:17

To be honest it sounds like they are coping? They’re not calling you to take her home early every day, they’re dealing with it but informing you of what her day is like. I agree with pp childminder might suit her better

Coyoacan · 18/07/2022 19:18

My dd was like that from 10 months to a year of age when she started her nursery, but then she was totally fine.

I think you should try a different nursery. It may be the same one your other children went to, but are they the same staff, the same management?

justanothermanicmonday21 · 18/07/2022 19:19

I work in a nursery, we have had children like that but eventually we crack it. It sounds like somethings not fitting with the nursery and I would be looking to move your child as it doesn't seem like they are being particularly accommodating or trying to come up with solutions.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 18/07/2022 19:22

Have you got a woodland ? Outdoor nursery nearby ? We do and they're amazing......it sounds like this nursery isn't the right fit for your dd. It's OK to try somewhere else.

EV117 · 18/07/2022 19:22

Maybe it’s just not the right place for her. I’m not saying they’ve done anything wrong or you’ve done anything wrong - it’s just not clicked and day after day of crying your DD has got herself in a bit of a rut, even routine of doing so. A change of setting might change that. I think a childminder is a good shout.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 18/07/2022 19:23

Ladymartin · 18/07/2022 18:59

I understand that but as childcare professionals I expect them to be able to cope with a crying child. I take on board what you are saying about the childminder though. I feel like they should be working harder to settle her

But they are coping with her - they're keeping her there all day as they're supposed to, but it's also fair that they tell you she's struggling when you come and collect her.

What else do you think they should be doing?

Limecoconutice · 18/07/2022 19:26

What about the other children?

DC of two years don't have an awareness of other children's needs at that age. What is so wrong with a two year old wanting attention? Some two year olds are more needy than others. People here are making it sound like a character failing! She is two fhs!

obsessedwithsleep · 18/07/2022 19:29

They're only human. A toddler crying all day does anyone's head in. I definitely think a childminder might be better.