Family Seating at a Wedding

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Hello-

My husband, son, and his partner recently attended a family wedding of a nephew on my husband's side of the family. My son flew in from quite a distance and his girlfriend came with him excited to meet extended family members, some for the first time.

When we came into the main hall we discovered planned seating for everyone. My husband and I were seated with his siblings, but my son and his girlfriend were seated quite a few tables away from the family tables. In fact, he was the only cousin on my husband's side of the family that was set aside in this way. All his cousins were seated together without him and this included some adult step-children. I was livid and my anger was obvious. To me, this was just one more of many ways my husband's family has passive-aggressively communicated to us that we are not a welcome part of his extended family. Things like this have happened time and again to us and our two adult children over many years.

Once the ceremony was over and the reception began. I shared my disappointment with my husband and then several others. This was simply the proverbial 'straw that broke my back'. Usually, I would have said nothing and 'pretended' all was well, but I am beyond that type of behavior now. Within the next week, my husband's sister, the mother of the groom called me. She told me she was aware of my being upset over this and she asked me to apologize to the groom and bride because they, the bride and groom, were also upset to learn of my disappointment and that I shared my feelings with others. While I agree that I should not have shared my feelings with anyone outside of my husband and son, I am torn about this apology, especially when it is not originating from a discussion with our nephew and his new wife. I also believe that I have a right to my feelings and perhaps we are the ones who deserve an apology in turn.

I would also like my husband to have our backs in this, but her prefers to remain silent and just let the storm pass. This has been his M.O. for over 35 years of marriage. He now refuses to discuss it.

I welcome your thoughts and feedback. Thank you for your consideration.

Is you ds your husbands ds? Does where you sit at a wedding matter that much really?!

They were invited to the wedding so they were obviously welcome. Wedding seating is a nightmare to organise. I don't think I would have been het up about this. After the meal people are free to mix.

And how did this go down exactly? Once the ceremony was over and the reception began. I shared my disappointment with my husband and then several others.

I sat my cousins all over with people I thought they might enjoy meeting. I couldn't get worked up over this, and as you realise the wedding was not the time to voice your displeasure. How did your son feel about it? Did he care?

Super crass to bitch about the bride and groom at their own wedding.

I'd take steps to distance yourselves from your DH's family.

If your son flew in from quite a distance then I would assume the extended family don't see him very often. Therefore, although he is family, maybe the bride and groom thought they would rather have people at their table that they are closer with.

Sometimes it is easier to just turn up, smile and wave and don’t give it much extra mind space. This seems like one of those times.

Why on earth did you go to the wedding if this is how you feel about them? You already felt unwelcome by them.
A wedding invitation is exactly that. An invitation. There is no compulsion to go if you do not get on with the people

Wow, your family member even invited your sons girlfriend who you say a lot of the family haven't even met, and you then slagged them off on their wedding day over a seat? You sound like an entitled nightmare and I think it says a lot that you're proud to be 'beyond' polite behaviour.

I don't think you should have made a fuss about it during the wedding.

Very precious

You kicked off at the wedding about where your adult son was seated? Classy.

YANBU to be upset but it’s their wedding and up to them how they seat people, it’s just for a couple of hours while they eat and not really a big thing as your son could socialise with extended family before and after the meal.

YABVVU to complain about it at the wedding and spoil their enjoyment of the day. But on the plus side I doubt you’ll be invited to any future family weddings so you won’t have to worry about it happening again.

Super crass to bitch about the bride and groom at their own wedding

100% that. And how mortifying for your son and his girlfriend that you caused this upset in his name.

If you have to moan about it, at least wait a few days and do it to your friends.
Expecting your DH to have your back ACTUALLY AT THE WEDDING OF HIS FAMILY MEMBER is just ridiculous.

Is your son your DHs biological son?

Was your other child there?

Just wow. You come across as quite unpleasant.

YABU

Me and DH were sat on a table away from all the family at my niece’s wedding, I thought it was a bit strange as everyone gets along, but it was just a small part of the day. I wouldn’t dream of questioning her decision now and especially not at the wedding. Seating plans are a pain to do. YABU.

I'm afraid I agree with the majority on here, especially @Icanstillrecallourlastsummer @Fivecluckyhens and @TheFallenMadonna

Regardless of how you feel, the wedding was not the time.
If you want to step back, then do.

Yes you should apologise.

Your behaviour was crass in the extreme.

Making a fuss about seating plans and disparaging the family at a bloody wedding was absolutely unacceptable.

I'm surprised you weren't asked to leave if I'm honest.

Perhaps you might want to look a little closer to home about why they might think less of your branch of the family than others.....

Things like this have happened time and again to us and our two adult children over many years

the clue is here.

I guess you have felt disrespected many. Just let anybody who contacts you know you were hurt and your feelings bubbled over over years of being silent.

It was a shitty situation but at least your child was invited. My bro in law got married and they said no kids except their son. We thought ok fair enough asked my mum to have them. Turned out the bride had several friends bringing kids all day long. We had to leave our slightly old better behaved kids 100 miles away at home for 2 nights with my mum because the wedding was first thing on a Friday morning. We then had to travel home Saturday to pick them up and dri e back as our nephew was being baptised on the Sunday in the same location. We wanted to refuse to go back but couldn't as dp is his god father. Although the irony is if anything happened to them and dp took him on it would be me doing all the work raising him but they did not ask us as a couple only him.

Oh dear, if you haven't anything better to worry about then lucky you. I really couldn't have been as bothered. Just petty.

Whilst you probably shouldn't have said anything to anyone else, which I haven't done. I cannot blame you and would certainly not apologise without an explanation as to why your child is treated differently.