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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Seating at a Wedding

111 replies

CreateIt · 17/07/2022 16:24

Hello-

My husband, son, and his partner recently attended a family wedding of a nephew on my husband's side of the family. My son flew in from quite a distance and his girlfriend came with him excited to meet extended family members, some for the first time.

When we came into the main hall we discovered planned seating for everyone. My husband and I were seated with his siblings, but my son and his girlfriend were seated quite a few tables away from the family tables. In fact, he was the only cousin on my husband's side of the family that was set aside in this way. All his cousins were seated together without him and this included some adult step-children. I was livid and my anger was obvious. To me, this was just one more of many ways my husband's family has passive-aggressively communicated to us that we are not a welcome part of his extended family. Things like this have happened time and again to us and our two adult children over many years.

Once the ceremony was over and the reception began. I shared my disappointment with my husband and then several others. This was simply the proverbial 'straw that broke my back'. Usually, I would have said nothing and 'pretended' all was well, but I am beyond that type of behavior now. Within the next week, my husband's sister, the mother of the groom called me. She told me she was aware of my being upset over this and she asked me to apologize to the groom and bride because they, the bride and groom, were also upset to learn of my disappointment and that I shared my feelings with others. While I agree that I should not have shared my feelings with anyone outside of my husband and son, I am torn about this apology, especially when it is not originating from a discussion with our nephew and his new wife. I also believe that I have a right to my feelings and perhaps we are the ones who deserve an apology in turn.

I would also like my husband to have our backs in this, but her prefers to remain silent and just let the storm pass. This has been his M.O. for over 35 years of marriage. He now refuses to discuss it.

I welcome your thoughts and feedback. Thank you for your consideration.

OP posts:
sidheandlight · 17/07/2022 17:41

Don't apologise, they have shown poor consideration which caused the problem. Seating plans are a passive aggressive way of showing feelings about people and now it is entirely clear, so forget about the lot of them.

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2022 17:42

FortniteBoysMum · 17/07/2022 16:45

It was a shitty situation but at least your child was invited. My bro in law got married and they said no kids except their son. We thought ok fair enough asked my mum to have them. Turned out the bride had several friends bringing kids all day long. We had to leave our slightly old better behaved kids 100 miles away at home for 2 nights with my mum because the wedding was first thing on a Friday morning. We then had to travel home Saturday to pick them up and dri e back as our nephew was being baptised on the Sunday in the same location. We wanted to refuse to go back but couldn't as dp is his god father. Although the irony is if anything happened to them and dp took him on it would be me doing all the work raising him but they did not ask us as a couple only him.

Have they asked you to be his guardian?

Because that isn't what being a Godparent is for.

Unsure33 · 17/07/2022 17:45

You were rude and bad mannered .it’s a nightmare keeping everyone happy at a wedding and who cares where you sit ? This happened at my sons wedding where someone complained and to be honest I thought it rude and crass and wished I had not invited them in the beginning. Weddings are stressful enough as it is .

LocalHobo · 17/07/2022 17:49

Although the irony is if anything happened to them and dp took him on it would be me doing all the work raising him but they did not ask us as a couple only him.

Do they know this? I very specifically asked my DBro to be the DC's guardian should anything happen to me and their Father, because I wanted to make sure his wife had no say in parenting decisions.
(Sorry to derail)

StoneofDestiny · 17/07/2022 17:50

So what? That's no excuse for the OP's behaviour

agreed - no excuse, but an explanation she can give them.

id not go somewhere I felt badly treated - no idea why she went. Buy hey -

SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2022 17:59

Did your son actually care or is this all about you and how you've been dishonoured by your son being seated "high" enough?

Darbs76 · 17/07/2022 18:02

I can’t believe someone would kick off at someone’s wedding about the seating plan. I mean the meal is a short part of the wedding. I also can’t believe you don’t think you owe anyone an apology, it’s their big day which they spent thousands on and you’re potentially ruining it over where your adult son sits. You should be grovelling for a long time; fact you can’t see how you are in the wrong says it all really

DogInATent · 17/07/2022 18:04

My husband and I were seated with his siblings, but my son and his girlfriend were seated quite a few tables away from the family tables

I think the OP was completely unreasonable, but the concept of 'family tables' at a wedding is just as unreasonable. Unless the family are all socially incapable, the art of seating plans is putting together people that don't already know each other but you think/know will get along. You absolutely break up family clique groups,

Misstes · 17/07/2022 18:09

If the table was full of the other cousins, who I assume see more of each other as your son is abroad. Where did you actually think they should sit. Should another pair have sat away from the family table to make room for them? You really had no reason to moan about it to other people.

WhatNoRaisins · 17/07/2022 18:10

I can understand mixing people back in the days when the guests would have lived locally. These days when family live further apart they just want to catch up not meet strangers they are unlikely to see again.

lickenchugget · 17/07/2022 18:15

People can do whatever they want at their own weddings. Making your feelings known about a seating plan at a wedding is completely classless. I’m sure they’ll just spare you the invite next time.

Ontomatopea · 17/07/2022 18:29

FortniteBoysMum · 17/07/2022 16:45

It was a shitty situation but at least your child was invited. My bro in law got married and they said no kids except their son. We thought ok fair enough asked my mum to have them. Turned out the bride had several friends bringing kids all day long. We had to leave our slightly old better behaved kids 100 miles away at home for 2 nights with my mum because the wedding was first thing on a Friday morning. We then had to travel home Saturday to pick them up and dri e back as our nephew was being baptised on the Sunday in the same location. We wanted to refuse to go back but couldn't as dp is his god father. Although the irony is if anything happened to them and dp took him on it would be me doing all the work raising him but they did not ask us as a couple only him.

God parents are for helping the child on their spiritual journey. Guardians are the ones that get appointed to look after the kids if their parents died.

Kite22 · 17/07/2022 18:30

Wow.
YWBVVVVVVU

Your behaviour was atrocious. Can't believe you are starting a thread owning up to such appalling behaviour.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2022 18:32

Get a hobby. I really would let this go.

skilpadde · 17/07/2022 18:34

You were livid and your anger was obvious?

Actually at their wedding?

It sounds like you thoroughly embarrassed yourself at the wedding and don't actually realise it yet.

Your reputation among the family is going to follow you around like a bad smell for years.

In your shoes, I'd now be keeping my distance from the extended family, but not for the reasons uou think.

ladydimitrescu · 17/07/2022 18:37

You owe them a massive apology.
Making your feelings known yo others is a sugar coated way of saying you walked around in a strop, bitching about the bride and groom at their own bloody wedding. Which they didn't even need to invite any of you to - so clearly you were all welcome.
You need to grow up, and apologise profusely.
I would never bother with you again if you'd pulled this immature shit at my wedding.

Mamapep · 17/07/2022 18:39

Oh my… your reaction was insane.
Wedding tables are really hard to plan. I sat my close cousins on a table with non family because I knew they’d get on with the guests on that table (similar ages and personalities). I had friend’s of my sister at a ‘good’ table because they knew my other cousin and I thought they’d feel comfortable with someone they knew.

YABVU

notanothertakeaway · 17/07/2022 18:42

FortniteBoysMum · 17/07/2022 16:45

It was a shitty situation but at least your child was invited. My bro in law got married and they said no kids except their son. We thought ok fair enough asked my mum to have them. Turned out the bride had several friends bringing kids all day long. We had to leave our slightly old better behaved kids 100 miles away at home for 2 nights with my mum because the wedding was first thing on a Friday morning. We then had to travel home Saturday to pick them up and dri e back as our nephew was being baptised on the Sunday in the same location. We wanted to refuse to go back but couldn't as dp is his god father. Although the irony is if anything happened to them and dp took him on it would be me doing all the work raising him but they did not ask us as a couple only him.

@FortniteBoysMum when my friend got married, she and her DH had 30 guests each. He chose to invite adults only. She chose to invite friends + children

Perhaps the wedding you attended was like that ie not a snub to your child

QuillBill · 17/07/2022 18:44

Although the irony is if anything happened to them and dp took him on it would be me doing all the work raising him but they did not ask us as a couple onl*y him
*
That's not irony.

maddy68 · 17/07/2022 18:45

Really??? You are in a stew because of where your son and partner were sat?

Blimey

lanthanum · 17/07/2022 18:46

LocalHobo · 17/07/2022 17:49

Although the irony is if anything happened to them and dp took him on it would be me doing all the work raising him but they did not ask us as a couple only him.

Do they know this? I very specifically asked my DBro to be the DC's guardian should anything happen to me and their Father, because I wanted to make sure his wife had no say in parenting decisions.
(Sorry to derail)

If you don't want DBro's wife involved in parenting your children, then you need to find someone else to be a guardian. You can't expect someone to accept children into their household and not be involved.

notanothertakeaway · 17/07/2022 18:48

DogInATent · 17/07/2022 18:04

My husband and I were seated with his siblings, but my son and his girlfriend were seated quite a few tables away from the family tables

I think the OP was completely unreasonable, but the concept of 'family tables' at a wedding is just as unreasonable. Unless the family are all socially incapable, the art of seating plans is putting together people that don't already know each other but you think/know will get along. You absolutely break up family clique groups,

@DogInATent but I don't want to meet the bride's colleague / neighbour (however lovely). I want to see my own family or friends, who I see rarely

If a guest doesn't know anyone, I'm happy to be friendly and make them welcome, but mixing with strangers wouldn't be my choice

So, you might choose to try to introduce people to potential new friends, but please don't assume that's what all guests want

DockOTheBay · 17/07/2022 18:55

Did your DS even care? I think it's a bit ridiculous to be "livid" about a seat for 2 hours of your life (not even your life, your son's).
I realise there is a backstory here, but was a wedding reception really the place to bring this to a head? I think you were very rude and your son was probably quite embarrassed. Yes I think you should apologise.

Crazycrazylady · 17/07/2022 18:55

Incredibly common behaviour on your part . Really you should have showed a bit of class given It was there wedding and you were a guest.

BreadInCaptivity · 17/07/2022 18:57

On the plus side, if your son and his GF decide to marry, you've had the decency to have given them the heads up that they should elope to avoid any further family wedding dramas....