Family Seating at a Wedding

[CreateIt]

Hello-

My husband, son, and his partner recently attended a family wedding of a nephew on my husband's side of the family. My son flew in from quite a distance and his girlfriend came with him excited to meet extended family members, some for the first time.

When we came into the main hall we discovered planned seating for everyone. My husband and I were seated with his siblings, but my son and his girlfriend were seated quite a few tables away from the family tables. In fact, he was the only cousin on my husband's side of the family that was set aside in this way. All his cousins were seated together without him and this included some adult step-children. I was livid and my anger was obvious. To me, this was just one more of many ways my husband's family has passive-aggressively communicated to us that we are not a welcome part of his extended family. Things like this have happened time and again to us and our two adult children over many years.

Once the ceremony was over and the reception began. I shared my disappointment with my husband and then several others. This was simply the proverbial 'straw that broke my back'. Usually, I would have said nothing and 'pretended' all was well, but I am beyond that type of behavior now. Within the next week, my husband's sister, the mother of the groom called me. She told me she was aware of my being upset over this and she asked me to apologize to the groom and bride because they, the bride and groom, were also upset to learn of my disappointment and that I shared my feelings with others. While I agree that I should not have shared my feelings with anyone outside of my husband and son, I am torn about this apology, especially when it is not originating from a discussion with our nephew and his new wife. I also believe that I have a right to my feelings and perhaps we are the ones who deserve an apology in turn.

I would also like my husband to have our backs in this, but her prefers to remain silent and just let the storm pass. This has been his M.O. for over 35 years of marriage. He now refuses to discuss it.

I welcome your thoughts and feedback. Thank you for your consideration.

You bitched about the bride and groom AT THEIR WEDDING over a seating plan???? You can’t be serious.

Your behaviour was shocking.

I think the wedding took place under a bridge.

I think you’re probably right.

YABU

Big time

I can understand to an extent, although you absolutely should not have said anything, it would have been nice to mix the cousins up so that your DS could catch up with his cousins. I appreciate that wedding table plans are very difficult. The last two weddings I attended I was sat on incredibly dull tables ... particularly one where having said 'no children' (which we were fine about & arranged childcare) but we were sat with the brides young nephews and nieces- not even with their parents - very tedious. I much prefer a buffet arrangement so you can mingle.

How can you guarantee that? If they live in her house she will have a say over parenting, nobody is coming to check that the person cooking dinner or buying Christmas presents or managing behaviour is the legal guardian - it's only relevant for big decisions like which school to apply to or medical care.

Is you son your husbands son? As in, are they blood related to the cousins?

Unbelievable behavior, you definitely owe then an apology.

You did not have to share your disappointment with other people at the wedding itself. Think how the bride and groom will feel every year on their anniversary, that it was more important to you to grumble about the seating arrangements than to ensure they had a happy wedding day.

"I was livid and my anger was obvious." But hey, it's only the most important day of their lives, the couple getting married, but the seating plan is far more important to you. Your son and his girlfriend were invited. It may be that other people weren't even invited. It sounds as though you are keeping score. I am not surprised your DH is keeping quiet -- he is torn between a rock and a hard place. The wedding is the bride and groom's day, not yours.

You should apologise. Send them flowers or some other appropriate gift. Do not expect an apology in return. You are entitled to your feelings, and you are entitled to keep them to yourself. Why on earth you felt you had the right to spoil someone's big day is beyond me.

1000% your behaviour was unacceptable and the bride and groom deserve a full apology.

You'd have loved our wedding then OP.

We mixed family and friends on all the tables.

No one complained

I was livid and my anger was obvious.

Awful childish behaviour from you.

It wasn't your wedding. In fact it wasn't even your side of the family.

The bride and groom deserve a huge apology from you.

He was invited to the wedding isn't that enough.

Im trying to think about weddings we have been to At my brother in laws wedding , my husbands other brother and sister and their family were at the same table and we were seated with the brides aunt and uncle and grandparents should we have been offended?

At another siblings wedding my husband was at the top table and my children weren't even sat beside me... should I have been offended?

Ypu should be grateful that you were all invited to the wedding end of.

my children weren't even sat beside me... should I have been offended?

We had that once when DSC were smaller. They sat with their Aunt and Uncle and had a fantastic time, completely spolied and entertained.

You were BU to slag them off over it to all and sundry on their wedding day. Is your son your husbands son? Was he sat with similar aged people? Wedding seating is difficult, you have set sized tables some people did end up in less than ideal spots at ours, I hope they weren't slagging us off.

@notanothertakeaway my point is immediate family's children should have been invited first before children of friends. Especially when you want said family to stay for 3 nights a 100 miles from home and tell them you expect the children at their cousins baptism because they are very close meaning your own sibling has to travel that same journey twice in a day to collect them. All adding extra costs on top of the 3 night stay, wedding gifts christening gifts and all the rest of it. Dp thinks we should return the favour and not invite their children when we get married whilst still inviting my nieces from further away as my sibling could not attend without. Personally lo I wouldn't do that as family is family.

It was a bit of a hassle as the kids were sat with all the other children but being 2 and 4 I was up and down constantly so didn't enjoy my own meal. However I would never have complained about it.

They did. Just not to you.

At DH’s brothers wedding we and our two dc were sat at a table by ourselves, the only immediate family members from either side to not be sat together. We didn’t stay long.

@VariationsonaTheme yup.

DH is one of four, all three oldest were ushers for youngest, they put two on a table with wife's and cousins. They put us on the furthest table facing the door, was quite interesting at speech time when DH had to walk across to join his brothers.

Or in reverse.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I certainly wouldn't apologise. It was at best thoughtless and at worst downright nasty for your son and his girlfriend not to be seated with or near his other cousins.
My DH's brother seated us at the farthest away table, near the kitchen door with their late Dad's old neighbours and sat their Uncle and Aunt at the top table with them. This too was the straw that broke the camel's back and we are now absolutely no contact. Life has been much more peaceful in the last 5 years.
No point in trying to change your husband's point of view but you should have nothing to do with them any longer.

You sounds like my uncle's girlfriend who complained to everyone loudly that she got the chicken and not the beef and she was very annoyed. She wanted it to get back to me that she was annoyed by my wedding. You have no idea of the reason behind sitting your son there. Maybe the cousins table was full, maybe they are all very close, maybe there was a tricky character on your son's table that they thought your lovely son could manage. Or someone they thought he might click with.
You have made what should have been a lovely day, about you being annoyed. You should be embarrassed by your behaviour.

Gosh, I don’t think I’ve ever paid attention or cared where I’ve been seated at a wedding - I’ve just been thrilled to be there! Now I’m thinking about it, I’ve been separated from immediate family at weddings before. I survived 😂 I was also at a table right at the back next to the kitchen once. Was brilliant! They gave us extra desserts and wine 😂

Anyway, the seated part is surely not really that big a deal in the grand scheme of a wedding? Any wedding I’ve been to you only really say when eating, between courses you were up mingling etc.

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