Don’t want to “make friends” with neighbour’s dog…

[randomdogfriend]

NC for this. Sorry it's long!


Small backstory: Neighbour has a yappy dog that never stops, it comes right up to the fence in our back garden and barks incessantly whenever any of us go into the garden. It also barks at passers by on the street - it literally follows them along the fence yapping incessantly as they walk down the street. Neighbour does very little to address this - the occasion half hearted “stop that (name of dog)”, but it doesn’t listen to her and she doesn’t physically remove it. Last year I had a word with the neighbour about this through the fence - the barking was so bad it was upsetting my then newborn aged baby as we sat in the garden. She argued back with me and was generally unpleasant, so I threatened to report her if it didn’t stop. This was around 12 months ago and I’ve had no interactions with her since. The dog has done its usual nuisance barking at the fence when we’ve been out in the garden but I’ve largely tried to ignore it, and now that DD is a bit older she isn’t as startled or bothered by it. So we just largely ignore now.

Today I took DD (now 15 months) out in the garden to play. I sat on the grass relaxing whilst she played. Yappy dog approached the fence as per usual, but we were far enough away from the fence that I could mostly tune it out and just focus on playing with DD. DD didn’t seem remotely bothered by it either. I was then aware of neighbour approaching the fence and heard her say “oh are you saying hello (dogs name)?” Dog continued to incessantly yap. I ignored and continued to play with DD.

Next thing I heard “excuse me can I talk to you?“ through the fence. The fence is too high to see over it, and you can just about make out a person through the slats but I couldn’t really see her. I said “sorry, do you mean me?” (Not really able to see anyone at this point, just a shadow through the fence, and I was also sat a good few feet away from the fence. She said “yes”. I said “erm, yeah I suppose, I can’t see you but I can hear you”. She said “I’m sorry my dog barks and annoys you”. I replied “that’s ok” and then continued to engage with DD who was toddling around (so my attention was more focussed on her and I honestly didn’t want to have any interaction with anyone else at that point). I was hoping this would end the conversation. She continued: “if you made friends with her, she wouldn’t bark at you”. I just again decided to give a one word answer in the hope she would disengage from me as all I wanted to do was relax and play with DD. I replied again “right, ok”. She then continued… “if you made friends with her she wouldn’t bark and then you wouldn’t complain, would you”.

At this point I got irritated as she was pushing an unwanted conversation and also implying I had “complained” when I’d had one interaction with her about this a whole year ago where I’d threatened to complain but not followed that through, and also not mentioned the dog to her since.

I replied: “I just want to enjoy my garden with my DD. I don’t want to have to make friends with a dog through the fence. If your dog is barking constantly it’s because you aren’t training her properly, and that’s up to you to address. It’s not down to other people to make friends with your dog”.

It was more than I wanted to invest in the interaction but to be honest she had annoyed me by that point.

She then said, randomly, “how old is your daughter now?” I replied with her age. In between I was playing with DD and interacting with her, hoping neighbour would get the hint that I didn’t want to engage with her. She then said “what’s her name?” I replied with her name. Just one word answers to try to end it. She then said “ok. I just thought we could be friends that’s all”. Then she (presumably) walked off back to her house (like I say, limited visibility through the fence).

The whole interaction was just so random. Firstly I hadn’t commented on her dog, I was minding my own business and playing with DD. Also a whole year has passed since our last interaction so why approach me now? It would have made sense if I’d complained there and then about the dog, but I’d said nothing. I was just ignoring it as I usually do.

If it’s relevant this isn’t a next door neighbour as such. It’s hard to explain but we are a detached house and her back garden and mine back share a boundary fence. Our houses are nowhere near each other and are actually on separate streets. I am friends with my next door neighbour, by choice, who is lovely. I have no desire to be friends with this other neighbour or her dog.

Was I mean or unreasonable to not want to be friends with either her or her dog? When I'm in my garden I just want to relax and enjoy my garden and my daughter. Is this reasonable? Also, should random people be expected to befriend dogs, or is the onus on the owners to stop the barking regardless?

Any thoughts welcomed.

[randomdogfriend]

@ginghamstarfish

You are not wrong OP, she sounds like an inconsiderate arsehole who can't be bothered to train her noisy dog, like so many other dog owners. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her.

I guess that makes you "mean" just like me then 😬

[randomdogfriend]

@Bookshadow

I definitely won't be still living here in 10 years. So that's not a worry.

[MoistHolibobs]

@randomdogfriend

@MoistHolibobs

I didn't have any thoughts in terms of anything specific. In all honesty I think it was just her last line ... "I thought we could be friends", then she walked off. I probably just felt a bit of guilt but then I also thought why am I feeling guilty? My feelings matter too, right? I don't need to just befriend anyone who wants to, surely? It was the conflict between the guilt at her last line, and me feeling that it matters how I feel, etc, that made me post.

If that makes any sense at all.

I think she was probably confused in part.

She apologised for the barking and you said it was ok. So she thinks all is ok.

Then she said about getting to know her dog to stop the barking and you said ok. I would take that as yes.

Then all of a sudden came the speech about not wanting to know her dog even though you had said ok (possibly taken as yes), basically said she was a bad owner by not training the dog (which isn’t always the case so could be considered rude/mean) when at first when she apologised, you had said the barking was ok.

At this point I’d have been a bit confused at your contradictions. I think she was also, which is why she went on to make polite conversation about your child etc before moving away.

[randomdogfriend]

Also... I have a really "good life" as it is. I don't need to befriend random people's pets to enhance my life. Honestly. Please just take my word for that.

[turquoise1988]

@Bookshadow

"But it would take 5 minutes of your time and the dog would no longer be worried when you came out into your garden and would stop barking at you and everyone would be happier."

Do dogs know who their friends are?

My neighbours dogs bark at everyone who arrives at or who walks past or near to their gate. I mean everyone - us, their owners, the postman, the DPD guy, the other neighbours dog, the totally random stranger.

I'm fairly confident they will continue to bark until the day they die, unless of course they receive training in this area.

I highly doubt they are likely to stop after a five minute interaction after which they would deem someone as a 'friend.'

Mumsnet is so bizarre sometimes 😂. I swear I live in some sort of alternative universe.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

@randomdogfriend

You're not wrong it isn't your job to make friends with next doors dog, no one is going to make you do that, no one can make you do that.

It is also highly likely that next door hasn't a fucking CLUE how to change her dogs behaviour, and, lets be honest here, it is bothering you more than it bothers her, and it isn't helping neighbourly relations.

So, you can help.. with very little effort at all - send her to the free facebook group Dog Training Advice and Support (the one that has 300K+ members, there are a couple of fake versions with horrible dangerous advice) - she can then get completely FREE advice, from qualified and experienced trainers, on how to easily and quickly resolve this problem.

You shouldn't even have to do this, it is her dog and not yours - but it might be a faster route to what you want, a peaceful time in your garden.

[randomdogfriend]

@MoistHolibobs

Fair enough I see your point there. I think, as another poster pointed out, it might have been best from the off to say "no I'm busy" or whatever to her initial request to talk. I was trying not to completely ignore her so ended up placating her with "right, ok" type comments. Which as you say might have given her the impression I wanted to befriend her and her dog. When in reality I just wanted to end the interaction as politely as possible without saying "please just go away". I take your points on board, though.

[raffegiraffe]

It's sort of true that the dog wouldn't bark if it knew you. The dog is protecting its territory by barking and it's about it not seeing you as a threat. But you don't have to it. My neighbours did this just because they are nice and dog people and my dog ignores them now as they are not a threat. It's very hard to train a dog not to bark btw

[randomdogfriend]

Mumsnet is so bizarre sometimes 😂. I swear I live in some sort of alternative universe.

Oh my god so much this!!

[MoistHolibobs]

@turquoise1988

@Bookshadow

"But it would take 5 minutes of your time and the dog would no longer be worried when you came out into your garden and would stop barking at you and everyone would be happier."

Do dogs know who their friends are?

My neighbours dogs bark at everyone who arrives at or who walks past or near to their gate. I mean everyone - us, their owners, the postman, the DPD guy, the other neighbours dog, the totally random stranger.

I'm fairly confident they will continue to bark until the day they die, unless of course they receive training in this area.

I highly doubt they are likely to stop after a five minute interaction after which they would deem someone as a 'friend.'

Mumsnet is so bizarre sometimes 😂. I swear I live in some sort of alternative universe.

Some dogs don’t bark if they know the voice, so just saying ‘no need to bark Sadie, it’s only me’ stops them once you’ve had a meeting with them, which could potentially have been done over the fence or on the street. We have a dog like that. We don’t have neighbours but if anyone is working on our land or in our house, it works and we have an anxious dog that barks.

OP doesn’t have to do that, but if it’s as simple as that to get peace, it seems like a no brainer to me. I guess she’ll never know now and the dog may continue barking.

[randomdogfriend]

@raffegiraffe

I wonder if your neighbours are nice to you because you have never been verbally aggressive towards them. That always helps. I personally don't feel like giving my time and certainly not my friendship to someone who has behaved in that way.

[randomdogfriend]

All those saying if I befriend the dog I'll have peace.

Did you miss the part about the dog literally running the length of the fence on the street side, barking at anyone who walks past? Should they all befriend it?

There's no peace because it barks incessantly all day long at everyone. Not just us in our garden.

[randomdogfriend]

@WiddlinDiddlin

It's not a bad suggestion. However I'm just recalling her response to me last year when I pointed out that the barking was upsetting a then newborn DD. She said dismissively "well dogs bark, it's just what they do". I'm not sure she'd be open to training it not to.

[Penguinevere]

Did you post about this a year ago?

anyway it sounds like she made a non-apology and she doesn’t sound like an amazing neighbour. I doubt it’d stop yapping if you talked fo it nicely so you’ve probably lost nothing there.

[MoistHolibobs]

@randomdogfriend

All those saying if I befriend the dog I'll have peace.

Did you miss the part about the dog literally running the length of the fence on the street side, barking at anyone who walks past? Should they all befriend it?

There's no peace because it barks incessantly all day long at everyone. Not just us in our garden.

But wouldn’t it decrease the amount of barking if the barking at you stopped? That would be an improvement. The dog isn’t out the garden all day surely? And people are walking past all day? Personally, I would have took the opportunity to stop some of the barking.

[Cheeseandlobster]

@randomdogfriend

I've had a lot of validation and people who share my view actually. 🤷‍♀️

So why post on here then? Your updates make you sound thoroughly unpleasant. What a cold fish you are

[RockinHorseShit]

Crikey, the amount of passive walk overs on this friend that think as women that we have to "play nice" is so incredibly sad 🥴

Nobody owes anybody "nice" especially not when they are reacting to the ineffective entitled owner of an annoying yapping dog 😵‍💫

[RockinHorseShit]

Thread, not friend

[randomdogfriend]

What a cold fish you are

😂

Sorry. What?

[randomdogfriend]

@RockinHorseShit

Crikey, the amount of passive walk overs on this friend that think as women that we have to "play nice" is so incredibly sad 🥴

Nobody owes anybody "nice" especially not when they are reacting to the ineffective entitled owner of an annoying yapping dog 😵‍💫

Yup.

[tigger1001]

I agree with a previous poster that someone has complained and your neighbour has assumed it was you.

I don't think you were rude. You don't have to engage in conversation and you certainly don't need to make friends with the dog. It's their responsibility to train the dog not to bark.

[ClinkeyMonkey]

No matter what I think of your attitude to the woman, I believe that 'making friends' with the dog is probably a waste of time. Dogs don't stop barking just because they know you. My SIL's dogs bark until they're hoarse every time they see us. They also bark at every fecker - friend or foe - who walks past the house. They even bark from inside the house if a car turns in the cul de sac. The woman needs to train her dog, but I still think you could have been a bit more pleasant.

[Mabelshouse]

It’s pretty difficult to train a dog not to bark.

I think she was making an effort. You snubbed her. Bit miserable of you.

[Cherrysoup]

Why on earth should the onus be on the OP to ‘make friends’ with the dog? It is up to the owner to shut it up (I say this as someone who will not tolerate mine barking, they get told off or are brought in, I don’t see why my neighbours should be impacted by my dogs) Our neighbour has a yappy dog who barks hysterically and is never asked to,stop. It’s extremely annoying. I don’t want to ‘make friends’ with it, I want the neighbour to shut it up (had it since a puppy)

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

Some dogs bark, especially little male ones. It's not simply a training issue.

Complaining that the dog was upsetting the baby makes as much sense as complaining that a baby was upsetting a dog!