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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Infertility is my choice

108 replies

whattheactualfck · 16/07/2022 13:06

My friend has told me that infertility is a choice. That choice is basically tough shit - I chose to want to have a baby but struggling so tough shit. Women aren't entitled to help as it's a choice rather than a life-changing illness.

I know they don't understand the severity of infertility and the heartbreak it causes but I can't believe they've just said this to me when they know everything about my situation.

I do not choose infertility and would not wish this torture on anybody. The entire point of this is that I HAVE NO CHOICE!!!! My 'choice' has been taken away from me due to physical illness resulting in infertility. My choice has gone. I can choose to ATTEMPT ivf but with no guarantee.

What on earth do I do or say to that one?!

OP posts:
Womblesaremyfavouritefood · 16/07/2022 13:10

As far as I know the WHO class infertility as an illness. You could tell her that?

Do you really want this 'friend' in your life? I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through.

CrappyNHappy · 16/07/2022 13:10

How is infertility a choice? That makes no sense whatsoever. Maybe she means having children is a choice for some and not Essential to life bjt what she said makes no sense and it's callous and cruel as well.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with infertility and I'm sorry that your friend is an idiot.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 16/07/2022 13:11

Sorry your friend’s a total nob

WhoAre · 16/07/2022 13:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mrsjayy · 16/07/2022 13:13

I mean its a choice if you want treatment or not but that is the same as every medical condition , your friend is clearly an idiot!

TiddleyWink · 16/07/2022 13:19

’No love, what’s a choice is whether I spend time with nasty, unkind idiots like yourself. Bye’.

ISaidHeyWhatsGoingOn · 16/07/2022 13:22

Getting rid of shit friends is also a choice to consider OP.

loomband · 16/07/2022 13:24

It's a valid option to think it should be private healthcare, or that there should be an age cut off to IVF but to say it to a friend who is infertile is completely socially inept and smug.

whattheactualfck · 16/07/2022 13:33

I honestly can't believe she's said it to me. I'm gutted.

I don't understand on what planet she thought it was wise to say this to me when I'm currently at rock bottom

OP posts:
chiffchaffchiff · 16/07/2022 13:39

Do you mean that treatment for infertility is a choice rather than being infertile is the choice?

2bazookas · 16/07/2022 13:40

I'd buy her a dictionary so she can look up "choice" and "infertility". She clearly doesn't know what they mean.

Snowflakes1122 · 16/07/2022 13:40

I wouldn’t really call her a friend after she said that.

whattheactualfck · 16/07/2022 13:45

The whole situation - because I've decided I want a child that's my choice and it would be my choice to try ivf. If it doesn't work it doesn't matter as it's my choice anyway so I'm not allowed to be pissed off about it.

The entire point is that my choice was taken away from me the day I was told of my health problems. This choice that millions of fertile women have is no longer mine to make. Yes I have a choice to try ivf but that choice is not guaranteed. My decision to try ivf won't necessarily result in the 'choice' she's saying I'm making.

Sorry if that sounds so rambled I'm really upset

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 16/07/2022 13:45

Well she’s just wrong. You don’t have a choice whether your body can conceive a baby or not. No one does.
Her opinion on infertility treatments and it’s availability is her opinion, but telling you that given your current situation makes her very cruel. She wouldn’t be my friend anymore.

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 16/07/2022 13:46

I've been through a lot of IVF treatment but I am infertile in that I lost both tubes

I personally think there is a big difference between what I would class as "infertile by circumstance" ie left it until their 40s to start TTC or those that just want to speed the process up - age 36 you only have to TTC 6 months before you can get an IVF referral or those that are in single sex relationships or want to get pregnant solo - and those that are genuinely medically infertile due to cancer, illness, loss of tubes, genetic issues, multiple miscarriages etc

whattheactualfck · 16/07/2022 13:48

@cantcomplainabouttheweather

I agree. I have tubal factor infertility.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 16/07/2022 13:56

So she means wanting children is a choice? Well, sort of. It's also a biological urge. Infertility clearly isn't a choice. She sounds a bit thick

Belledan1 · 16/07/2022 14:17

Sorry she is so insensitive. Does she have kids?

whattheactualfck · 16/07/2022 14:21

@Belledan1

No children yet

OP posts:
alphapie · 16/07/2022 14:24

Your ex friend has told you that right..because how can you stay speaking to such a twat

alfagirl73 · 16/07/2022 14:37

This person is not your friend. Anyone who can make such a callous remark to someone struggling with fertility is no friend. Infertility is not a "choice". It could be argued, I suppose, that a person who was fertile and left it too long to try to conceive made that choice knowing full well the risks of waiting.

That is very different to someone who has always been and always will be unable to conceive and/or carry a child to term or who's fertility options are prematurely ended through no fault or choice of their own. IVF is an option, sure, but it is not a cure and is, to me, more of a "way around" infertility. It is not a choice in the sense of it being a cure and a guarantee of having a child.

One could argue that having my uterus prematurely removed was a choice - and indeed I chose to undergo that procedure - but when the alternative to making that choice was potentially death, it became less of a choice about fertility and one about living or dying. As it was my uterus was a useless mess anyway so had I kept it I still wouldn't have been able to have a child.

You have my deepest sympathies OP, I've had some hideous remarks made to me that went beyond cruel. I remember each and every insensitive and cruel remark that has been said to me about my situation - and every single person who made them. None of those people are in my life anymore. I am, for the most part, at peace with my situation now but it doesn't completely go away - it still hurts and there are elements of society/life that will always be that bit difficult, painful and frustrating for me.

Whatever path you go down, OP, be it IVF or whether you pursue other options to become a parent, I do wish you every success and happiness. They do not, however, change the pain of the circumstance you have found yourself in which is NOT a choice. I hope that other people around you are more sensitive, caring and supportive.

TempName01 · 16/07/2022 14:38

Does she mean it is your choice to go ahead with IVF and that you should mentally prepare for the outcome?

Summerfun54321 · 16/07/2022 14:40

life’s too short to be friends with thoughtless twats.

whattheactualfck · 16/07/2022 14:43

@alfagirl73

Thank you so much for your lovely message. This has completely made my day how kind strangers can be to a situation that is nothing to do with them yet friends can be so careless!

I'm so sorry you have been through such hell too. I really wouldn't wish this on anybody.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 16/07/2022 14:48

What will she say if she has probs conceiving I wonder? She sounds thoughtless and ignorant .Maybe not see her for a while? I would see if there are any groups that support women trying for a child in your area and join those if you can