Infertility is my choice

[whattheactualfck]

My friend has told me that infertility is a choice. That choice is basically tough shit - I chose to want to have a baby but struggling so tough shit. Women aren't entitled to help as it's a choice rather than a life-changing illness.

I know they don't understand the severity of infertility and the heartbreak it causes but I can't believe they've just said this to me when they know everything about my situation.

I do not choose infertility and would not wish this torture on anybody. The entire point of this is that I HAVE NO CHOICE!!!! My 'choice' has been taken away from me due to physical illness resulting in infertility. My choice has gone. I can choose to ATTEMPT ivf but with no guarantee.

What on earth do I do or say to that one?!

@dottiedodah

I wonder the same too.
Thank you I will have a look

I wouldn't be able to forgive a friend for that. I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment and I hope IVF goes as smoothly as it can.

I wonder OP, if she meant that on finding out you had fertility problems, you have "chosen" to embark on the "try treatment" route rather than the " accept the hand that life has dealt you" route?
The only choice you have in these situations, is whether to position yourself nearer to the rock as opposed to the hard place.
Tell your "friend", she must never, under any circumstances, consider applying for a job with the diplomatic corps - or any job where empathy is an essential quality for the post.
Good luck with whatever you decide going forward.
Ditch the "friend" - she will be no support to you whatsoever when you need a shoulder to sob on.

Your friend is not a friend

Find a new friend.

You sound lovely OP and we need more people like you having children and you should get all the support you can.

It’s not a choice in the same way that height and eye color are not choices. We have what we have. After over 20 years of TTC and various forms of treatment I have not had to accept that we will be childless forever. It’s a horrible thought. No “choice” about it.

But I can and do choose how I live with it. I can and do choose who I talk about it with.

I have now had to accept …

I can't get over this new trend to keep the subject of OPs gender neutral then say the pronoun anyway when having a good rant in subsequent posts.

I don't know why she'd be so insensitive if she is a friend.

Have you told your 'friend' being a massive cunt is a choice and she should make better ones?

@whattheactualfck You're welcome. It never ceases to amaze me what people come out with. One of my personal favourites was the day I returned to work after recovering from my surgery, and a colleague who was on maternity leave came into the office to visit with her baby. Fair enough. However when I was talking with her (I went over to congratulate her - I had no problem with that) - upon hearing about my diagnosis, emergency surgery and the consequences for me in terms of having children (she asked - she knew I'd been in hospital), she saw fit to look me straight in the eye, laugh and call me a "lucky bitch" while cradling and cooing over her newborn baby. I looked at her in bewilderment, turned and made it the few steps to the privacy of my office before bursting into tears.

Also had a family member who very visibly took great joy in constantly reminding me in the most condescending tone, that I'd never know what it would feel like to be a mother, with a look of smug satisfaction on her face. On repeat. Every single opportunity.

Again - people never cease to amaze me, but you can't control other people - you only have control over what you do. So protect your heart and your wellbeing - surround yourself with good people who are kind, caring, supportive and who have your back. Sending hugs!

Wow, what a horrible and insensitive thing to say to anyone, let alone a friend. Not to mention the fact her comment doesn't make sense!

I'd give her a wide berth from now.

Very unkind and thoughtless of her, I’m so sorry OP 💐

I’m assuming your friend has no children and perhaps doesn’t want them? Sometimes the intentionally childfree can get a bit defensive and try to point out “you don’t have to need a baby to be happy in life”. When other people are desperately unhappy about a situation that the childfree have chosen, it can feel like a personal attack. A bit like if you live happily in a caravan and your friend keeps lamenting how awful caravan life is. Maybe it was her emotions speaking back at you. Of course your feelings should have taken priority though, you needed her in that moment and she let you down. Sending hugs.

@alfagirl73 and @BritWifeInUSA - you are both very dignified and I'm so sorry this happened to you.

OP - your 'friend' may well find herself eating her words as and when she tries for children. Ideally, you won't have a relationship with her to ever know 💕

She sounds a bit thick as well as unpleasant. Just cut her off and move on.

what’s it to her anyway? it’s not like you’ve asked her to pay for your treatment.

One think I would say is that if your problem is with your tubes then you’ve probably got great chances of successful IVF compared to someone with egg quality or implantation problems. IVF isn’t guaranteed to work but it is an absolutely failsafe way of getting sperm to meet egg and then the embryo to the womb.
Very best of luck!

I think the trouble is unless you have been through infertility it's very difficult to understand just how damn hard and bleak life is at that time. The only people that I found helpful in talking to were those that had been through it themselves or had a lot of experience with people that had eg my acupuncturist. Everyone else just didn't get it or didn't know what to say so really there was no point talking to them.
Wishing you the best of luck xx

Is she trying to say wanting a baby is a choice and not a necessity? As in, nobody needs a baby, and therefore having one shouldn't be treated and funded as an illness?

As an aside my "friend" said to my face it must be easier having a miscarriage when you already have a child. I couldn't be around her after that so that was that friendship over.

This is not a friend. I have struggled with infertility and fail to see any aspect of choice. I am pregnant now and have a child, so I got lucky but I have spent 10 years ttc, had lots of ivf which has a massive physical as well as emotional toll and I couldn't count up the money without traumatising myself.

Once I have this baby I hope that is me finished but honestly, I just couldn't stop up until now. It didn't feel like a choice at all, but a massive need. If this last cycle had not have worked, I know I would be doing it again. Probably until we absolutely couldn't finance any more, or something happened to physically prevent me carrying a baby.

I so hope you have a smooth ride with treatment and that uou are surrounded by people who will actually support you. Good luck!

She would be an ex-friend. Would not accept someone with such objectionable views and lack of compassion as any friend of mine.

Being child free is a choice.

Being infertile, is an illness

That's like telling someone with insomnia that it's a choice because they choose to want more sleep. Utterly ridiculous and possibly very unkind, or at least misguided and insensitive.

Your friend is as thick as pigshit.

Kindly, your friend isn't a friend at all. They're a stupid ignorant plonker who has no idea what they're on about.

Don't keep negative company. Get rid of the friend. Take care of your well-being in difficult times.

It's difficult to grasp exactly what she means by such a bizarre statement.

She does sound pretty dim and highly insensitive, probably not the type of person anyone wants to be around when struggling with a distressing issue.