Infertility is my choice

[whattheactualfck]

My friend has told me that infertility is a choice. That choice is basically tough shit - I chose to want to have a baby but struggling so tough shit. Women aren't entitled to help as it's a choice rather than a life-changing illness.

I know they don't understand the severity of infertility and the heartbreak it causes but I can't believe they've just said this to me when they know everything about my situation.

I do not choose infertility and would not wish this torture on anybody. The entire point of this is that I HAVE NO CHOICE!!!! My 'choice' has been taken away from me due to physical illness resulting in infertility. My choice has gone. I can choose to ATTEMPT ivf but with no guarantee.

What on earth do I do or say to that one?!

@HaveringWavering

I have endometriosis too which is what damaged my tubes. Thank you so much though - fingers crossed x

What a stupid ignorant comment to make to you. Doesn't make any sense either. I'm sorry op and I hope you get your babyxx

@Vikinga

Thank you very much xx

It depends really some a friend of mine was 27 and was infertile due to polycystic ovaries and her weight was fine. She had been trying since the age of 25 or my SIL who had endometriosis. I do think some people it's down to circumstances waiting to ttc first baby when you are in your 40s although you have a stable relationship and house . Unfortunately our biology is shit.

She sounds a dumb fucking cunt. Of course your situation isn’t a choice. Fuck me, if infertility/fertility was a choice there’d be no need for abortions or contraception by her logic.

I don’t blame you for being gutted at having someone who is meant to be a friend say something so heartless (and wrong) to you.

If someone said that to me I'd really be seriously reconsidering the friendship.

Having gone through infertility myself I can only say your 'friend' is an insensitive twat. Infertility is like a grief that instead of healing only gets worse over time. Surely someone with any ounce of empathy can understand that!

My infertility made me feel less than, for me that was the most difficult part although of course everyone is affected by it differently. Some people made stupid comments but I think I'd almost have punched someone had they said it was my choice. It's a 'choice' I honestly wouldn't wish on anyone. And if your friend hasn't had children yet she may find herself in the same position as you and then maybe she'll see how it feels considering that infertility affects one in six couples, it's not unusual.

Good luck with your IVF journey OP. And I hope you ditch the friend and gain a baby.

Infertility shows you who your people are.

@YouCantSpellAmericaWithoutErica

Glad you're as angry as I am too!

Yes I'm making the 'choice' to go for ivf but fuck me do I wish this wasn't my 'choice'.

@Mamai90

I really am reconsidering it.

Yes I agree totally - I feel like any remainders of who I was before this diagnosis have gone and can't ever return. I feel like my body has completely failed me.

I'm so sorry you have been through this too ☹️xx

Yes @whattheactualfck , thats how I felt. Like my body has failed me and I in turn felt like a complete failure, I was embarrassed and hated if anyone asked if I had children, I felt I needed to explain myself.

I was very lucky that I eventually had my daughter. When on this infertility journey everyone else around me who was in the same boat went on to have children and I was the only one left but 8 years down the line nature had a massive surprise in store for me, but I won't ever forget the feelings and the hopelessness. My heart goes out to anyone suffering from this cruel illness and having insult to injury by ridiculously stupid and insensitive comments by assholes.

This person doesn't sound like a friend and you really need good people around you at the moment. I'm wishing you much luck on your ivf journey.

Not having a child is a choice.
Not being able to have a child is not a choice.
Two very different things.

Ghost her she is no friend x

Yeah I've tried reading it from different angles and it doesn't make sense for any of them really.

I'm going with she's thick as shit, probably believes conspiracy theories and lacks empathy.

Some lovely people @whattheactualfck have called your friend “unkind” and “thoughtless”.

I’m sorry but I have to disagree. These words are polite and used to soften things, in a kindness your friend doesn’t deserve

She was being deliberately vindictive and cruel. Choosing to find words that would make you feel inadequate and unhappy.

Other (horrendous) examples shared by posters on this thread serve to prove my point. The one where the colleague with the newborn, laughing in the face of the poster that is physically struggling, and saying “Lucky bitch” is someone who is weaponising their fertility.

Why so many women like to use fertility and their children as a point of achievement and distinction is so beyond me. It’s a practised cruelty

I'd be shredding the friend asap!!!

@SavoirFlair

Thank you. After this huge response on my post, which I didn't expect, with every single person saying how awful the comment was I do have to agree with you. I've since looked at other things she has said and I'm questioning everything. She is quite unhappy with her life but it is absolutely no excuse to hurt me with the lowest blow she could. X

This is SO true

Your ‘friend’ sounds a bit dim. Does she understand the definition of the word ‘choice’. If not my 4 year old can explain it to her.

What you do is: block her and cut her out your life. Nasty person who is most definitely not your friend. Sorry you’re going through this OP, surround yourself with support.

We've not spoken since and I'm not going to bother with her again

Infertility is so so cruel. I know. But I was also lucky enough to become a mum 10 years ago…..
I still remember very clearly the gut renting pain when it felt like every other woman around me was pregnant and I wasn’t! it’s just awful.
I really hope it works out for you op x

Good luck OP, hope IVF works for you. Ignore that silly person who said that and focus on you

Being infertile isn’t a choice but having kids is. Being infertile certainly isn’t a disability and I say that being infertile myself. We don’t have a right to have a child. If it happens we are lucky if it doesn’t we aren’t. When I found out about mine it was like my dreams had been taken away. All I wanted was children but the more I thought the more I realised that not everyone is lucky enough to have kids. Yes I can save for treatments in the future that may help but that’s my choice to make.

It was awful of your friend to say that to you, she is no friend. I hope IVF works for you.. But also bear in mind, if it doesn't, many women heal and go on to find joy in life after infertility. I'm one of them.

I learnt at a support group to frame it as ‘I am suffering from infertility’ rather than ‘I am infertile’. That helped me cope. If you are suffering from something, of course it’s not a choice.

Now (having gone through so much to have my child) I feel I can embrace ‘I am infertile’, but it took a long time to get here.

Some people don’t understand, I had ‘Infertility Bingo’ from one friend who told me that her sister struggles with the children that she has so parenthood is not that easy, that I could find meaning in my life by volunteering or I could also adopt. All in the same conversation 🙄