Infertility is my choice

[whattheactualfck]

My friend has told me that infertility is a choice. That choice is basically tough shit - I chose to want to have a baby but struggling so tough shit. Women aren't entitled to help as it's a choice rather than a life-changing illness.

I know they don't understand the severity of infertility and the heartbreak it causes but I can't believe they've just said this to me when they know everything about my situation.

I do not choose infertility and would not wish this torture on anybody. The entire point of this is that I HAVE NO CHOICE!!!! My 'choice' has been taken away from me due to physical illness resulting in infertility. My choice has gone. I can choose to ATTEMPT ivf but with no guarantee.

What on earth do I do or say to that one?!

Fwiw I think she is wrong and awful and I'm sorry your friend is an insensitive dick.

But I THINK the point she is making is that it is a different sort of illness to say heart failure, where you literally have to do something to live but can't. Infertility is horrible and I'm sorry you're going through it, but I assume she believes it shouldn't be treated as an illness because you don’t literally have to have children.

But you're right, it is a complete removal of choice.

I'm so sorry you're going through infertility. It's awful. I'm also sorry to say that I think that friendship is over. People said a lot milder things to me when I was going through a couple of miscarriages before having my son, and I've found it almost impossible to continue the friendship because of those comments. One was a friend who got pregnant first try and said she wasn't worried about miscarriage because she wasn't convinced she wanted to be a mother anyway. I think people don't get it until they've experienced fertility problems. Take care of yourself

Just reading this post has made my blood boil.

I've chosen not to tell people about my fertility struggles, but I could not imagine having a 'friend' say this to me. I would be just as gobsmacked as you. How can anyone even THINK that it's a choice!

Infertility feels like a disability. It affects the participation in areas of life and can have a disabling affect on an individual. There are so many mental and physical health problems associated with infertility whether someone chooses to pursue fertility treatment or not.

But I expect your friend isn't one to empathise so I'd ditch the bitch 😁

So people with unexplained infertility aren't really infertile?

I had fertility problems due to scarring from childhood appendicitis. If anyone had said my infertility was a choice I would have been in danger of hitting them.

it sounds as though your friend assumes you have left things late? How else could any rational person say this.

Things worked out for me in the end and I hope they will for you too.

So people with unexplained infertility aren't really infertile?

I think their point was that having a shock diagnosis is not the same as knowingly waiting til you're 40 to try. Both are infertile, but one is caused by nature and the other by totally unforeseen circumstances.

@Maray1967

Thank you. Our problems seem similar as my tubal issue is something seen in cases of childhood appendicitis.

Nope not left things too late. I think she's just been very selfish and dismissive of me unfortunately and has behaved like my 'problem' was a choice I made. X

Say nothing to her. Ever again. That is not a friend

How could she possibly even think that's that's true?

Are you really saying unexplained infertility only happens to people who've left it too late?

The people you surround yourself with is a choice. Sounds like you need to make a choice to distance yourself from this so called “friend”.

Good luck with whatever choices you make, and whatever direction your journey takes. I hope you find yourself surrounded by better and kinder people

I would not be able to forgive this. Nor would I be able to hold my tongue - I’d need to tell her how upsetting her horrible, thoughtless and WRONG her comment was and how much it hard hurt me.

Then I’d tell her to go and fuck herself and to never contact me again.

What a wanker. Tell her tp jeep her bullshit opinions to herself.

Your response? Tell her to fuck off. Even if she's never experienced this particular form of heartbreak, how much of an arsehole does she have to be that she can't even think of being in your shoes? Get rid and focus on yourself.

Is your friend quite young? I hope I'd never have been this insensitive but up until probably my late 20s I probably thought kids were a bit of a take it or leave it thing.
I had no clue of that biological yearning or how much they change your life.

I wonder if this is something in years to come she'll look back and cringe about.

I realise that doesn't make it any less hurtful to you now though.

I think the celebrity late motherhood or outlying stories of older IVF mother's has skewed the views that there are 'ways round ' infertility. What they don't show is how difficult that journey actually is. Again, something that a decade ago I probably had no clue about.

Good luck with whatever treatment path you decide on

I honestly cannot thank you all enough.

Every single person on here has backed me up and it really has shown me how horrid that comment she made was.

I am going to keep my distance. I'm unbelievably hurt by this and it's just added to the turmoil I'm already going through as I feel more alone than ever.

Upon my diagnosis I have been in such a low state of mind and I'm finding it incredibly difficult, so to hear this from her (which must be her true thoughts on the matter), just shows I don't need this as well. I have always been incredibly empathetic and sensitive towards everybody who has suffered with infertility - a long time before I ever imagined getting the diagnosis myself. A relative of mine 'pretended to be infertile' to get attention and my god did my blood boil. So I understand how to behave from an outsider and I know how it feels as the recipient.

In other news - I do have a friend who has been incredible throughout this whole ordeal. It's made me realise just how wonderful this friend truly has been throughout our entire long friendship.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP

Your friend is either insensitive, thick, or cruel (or maybe she chose one of those options ). Anyway, you are far from alone and will find lots of support here.

I wish you lots of luck with your IVF.

@AnonymousHippopotamus

Thank you ☺️
Think she chose all three 🙊

@Calmdown14

Not really - she's in her mid thirties.

I genuinely don't think she'll feel bad about this at all unfortunately. She's very opinionated but often very incorrect too.

@ScreamingInfidelities

I wish I was as brave as you to do that ☹️

You are right on all counts. I can't forgive this it was too far.

@AStar98

You've explained my feelings in one - I do feel completely mentally and physically disabled by this. It is literally affecting every aspect of my life.

I haven't told many people at all too (3 people know pretty much the true extent) as I am incredibly private and decided to try and deal with this with my husband. So to then have her say such an awful thing has just closed me off and made me think this is exactly why I'm dealing with it alone!

I'm so sorry you are going through this too ❤️

Is she saying that wanting children is a choice?
if you didn't want children then you might view infertility as a lucky thing, I suppose

I'm not making excuses for her, just trying to understand her line of thinking

I'm surprised she sees parenthood as so trivial, like wanting a specific flavour of coffee. I'm just intrigued if she's like this about anything else in life, like wanting a nice job, a nice house, a loving partner etc.

It sound like you know what you want to do so no advice from me there. You might feel less hurt if you understood her thinking better. It doesn't sound like she set out to hurt you. Rather, that she can't understand your priorities.

@Soubriquet

🙌

Exactly this. Exactly. God I wish I'd said this to her at the time!

@lljkk

Hmm interesting you should say this about houses/car etc.

She has criticised every house/car/different opinion that I have had in the past...

Unfortunately, the way she said it and her consequent behaviour afterwards, suggests she did mean to hurt me or at least make it clear she isn't bothered about what I'm going though. X

@Snugglemonkey

Thank you ❤️

I'm so sorry you have been through this too. It also feels like a massive need to me as well. I honestly can't imagine my life without children.

Luckily I have a fab husband who is so supportive and wonderful to make up for everyone else!