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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an independent relationship with partner's sister

106 replies

roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 12:42

There's a backstory. It's long. Main points: P's sister has been unreliable and hard work since P and I first met, including cancelling on us last minute for Christmas because she had a better offer. She gave us zero support when we had a baby despite so much talk and writing said baby letters about how close an aunt she would be(!!!). The biggest issue is that I I feel like she facilitated P in leaving us (he's back now - he had a breakdown) when baby was 8 months old (by giving him someone to stay) and not asking once if I was ok... but overall we are very different people. I find her very intense, needlessly emotional, and our politics are very different, but she's not a bad person.

For balance, I haven't been an angel. I called her some choice terms once (to her face) after P left. I was drunk (not something I make a habit of, I don't drink on the whole), she was there, I was full of hormones and grief after he left as baby was still small, and I said things I shouldn't have. I own that, it was bad behaviour, but I'm not actually sorry because it was a long time ago and for points mentioned above. I also tend to forgive and forget easily with everyone else in my life, so P doesn't get why I can't or don't when it comes to her. I think it's because I've never actually had any benefit to her being in my life - I don't have any love or history to fall back on.

Anyway. Partner wants us to have a relationship, he wants us both to apologise and to make an effort together. He wants us to be able to have dinner with her and her partner and spend time as a group. He doesn't have much family and he moved to my city (where she is too) when we got serious, so he doesn't have many friends here and this would mean a lot to him.

I think that me being civil and facilitating our son seeing her - and of course never bad mouthing her and always being pleasant when we do see each other - is enough, because a) anything else would be fake/forced and b) I gave her a big chance early on and I think she blew it with the Christmas thing. Maybe a closer relationship will grow in time, but I'm not there yet.

Well done if you got this far. AIBU? Issues with P are whole other post,

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 16/07/2022 12:50

If your biggest issue with her is that she gave her brother somewhere to stay when he split up with you then your biggest issue is with your partner, not her.
You took your anger for him out on her and you aren’t even sorry because you were drunk and it was a long time ago?

Of course she’s going to pick her brother and give him somewhere to stay after a breakup. What did you expect her to do? Say no, you must stay and be miserable?

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 12:53

On that issue you're not wrong. I know I would do that too for family. It's that she didn't once reach out to me, on top of her unreliability and drama in the past. I'm happy to be civil, friendly even, but I don't want to fake a relationship that I don't feel

OP posts:
MRex · 16/07/2022 12:55

I don't think you've been very fair to her. It isn't her job to care for your child, and it is perfectly reasonable to give a brother having a place to stay when he's having a breakdown. She can also choose where to spend Christmas as an adult.

Possibly you've transferred all those angry feelings about your DH walking out on you onto her? Or you expect far too much of a SIL? Try being polite and friendly, you might end up liking her.

ManateeFair · 16/07/2022 12:57

Your partner had a breakdown and she gave him somewhere to stay, and you blame her for ‘facilitating’ him? She really hasn’t done anything wrong as far as I can see. If I was her I wouldn’t want a relationship with you, and you don’t want one with her, so I don’t think your partner should force it.

It is unsurprising that she doesn’t have a close relationship with your child given your behaviour. She’s probably not really comfortable with having to make arrangements with you.

Badgirlriri · 16/07/2022 12:58

I also think YABU. She was supporting her brother, not choosing sides.

TreePoser · 16/07/2022 12:58

One thing here stood out, she facilitated him leaving you. That comment makes it seem like you 1) don't believe it was his decision and or 2) that she shouldn't have let him stay with her; that for some reason she should have obliged you by leaving him without options.

This sounds a bit chilling tbh
Maybe you just phrased it badly

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:01

Maybe I phrased it badly.

I am very aware it's not her job to look after my child. What I don't like is her saying she wants to all the time then not doing so.

She doesn't need to make arrangements with me - she can do so with her brother, his father. Im always accommodating and polite,

OP posts:
PollyPingit · 16/07/2022 13:01

I have a brother who had a string of relationships before he settled down for good. Some of his gf’s I liked others not so much but whatever I felt about them my loyalty always stayed with him. So I don’t think she’s wrong in that respect. If it means a lot to him and he moved away from old friends to be with you I think you owe it to him to try. Have a couples relationship you don’t ever need to see her on a 1:1……

RiojaRose · 16/07/2022 13:01

I wouldn’t be keen to cultivate an independent relationship with an in-law (or the equivalent) who I felt was hard work.

The back story isn’t relevant to my views on this. I just think life is short and sometimes complicated, and I don’t see the point of spending time or energy on relationships with people I don’t particularly like.

I do think you should be willing to be polite and civil four or five times a year for things like family birthdays and Christmas etc. More than that, not really.

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:03

My main question was - am I not doing enough by being friendly when I see her and making it clear she's welcome in our home to see her brother / nephew? Do I really have to have an independent/close friendship with someone I feel has been unreliable in the past and who I wouldn't otherwise be friends with?

The Christmas thing - she can spend it where she likes. However cancelling two days in advance with a BS excuse is a bit shit.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 16/07/2022 13:04

What do you think would have happened to your partner having a breakdown if he didn't have somewhere safe to stay? I'd suggest it could have been a lot worse! Maybe she saved you a lot of grief and heartache long-term.

Also, not being sorry for something because it was a long time ago makes absolutely no sense whatsoever!

But, all that said I don't think you need to be best friends with her if you don't feel it. You do need to allow your partner and child to have a full and close relationship with her. If you choose to miss out on activities and stuff they're doing together that's your choice.

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:05

RiojaRose · 16/07/2022 13:01

I wouldn’t be keen to cultivate an independent relationship with an in-law (or the equivalent) who I felt was hard work.

The back story isn’t relevant to my views on this. I just think life is short and sometimes complicated, and I don’t see the point of spending time or energy on relationships with people I don’t particularly like.

I do think you should be willing to be polite and civil four or five times a year for things like family birthdays and Christmas etc. More than that, not really.

This is what I would like. Thank you for phrasing it better. The sad thing is I really wanted us to be close once but her actions since have changed that.

OP posts:
ViaBlue · 16/07/2022 13:06

You don't need to be close with her and you don't need to facilitate anything. Your partner can mantain his relationship with her without your involvement if you don't feel it.

Wilkolampshade · 16/07/2022 13:07

You know YABU re' her having him to stay, but no, it would have been perfectly reasonable for her to call and check you were OK.
I think maybe you feel you were expected to just suck it up with his breakdown and no one is acknowledging how tough that was? I can see why that hurts. Also, it's infuriating that your DH seems to think you can just pick up where you all left off and pretend all that never happened. It must feel like he isn't listening to you.

FWIW I don't think you have to be friends with people you don't like. Warm civility is fine.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/07/2022 13:07

RiojaRose · 16/07/2022 13:01

I wouldn’t be keen to cultivate an independent relationship with an in-law (or the equivalent) who I felt was hard work.

The back story isn’t relevant to my views on this. I just think life is short and sometimes complicated, and I don’t see the point of spending time or energy on relationships with people I don’t particularly like.

I do think you should be willing to be polite and civil four or five times a year for things like family birthdays and Christmas etc. More than that, not really.

Agree with this. I don’t cultivate separate relationships with my partners family - if we split I won’t see them again. Be polite when you do see them, and that’s all. Just because they are your partners family doesn’t mean you have anything in common.

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:08

@NuffSaidSam I'll always be ok with that, but I think the truth is that without me to organise they don't do much. I do organise things with my family, who I love, so P sees the discrepancy. I'm more than happy for him to make plans with his family, it's just not my responsibility especially after the history.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 16/07/2022 13:12

He wants us to be able to have dinner with her and her partner and spend time as a group.

I think that is perfectly reasonable, he’s not saying he wants you and her to go shopping together every Saturday. Are you saying you won’t do that?

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:12

@Wilkolampshade that made my eyes well up. Yes, thank you, it's that I just had to suck it up with my 8 month old and was expected to be ok because P wasn't ok. I feel she showed me zero care, so why would I make an effort with her now? It's not like I cheated or abused him - I was suffering because of his MH problems and she didn't care.

OP posts:
Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:15

@Shinyandnew1 I'm saying I'm not there yet, but in the future I may be. She's made such little effort with me and our son over the years - despite all her dramatic talk - that I don't trust her not to be flakey again. I also just don't enjoy her company because we are so different.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 16/07/2022 13:16

roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:08

@NuffSaidSam I'll always be ok with that, but I think the truth is that without me to organise they don't do much. I do organise things with my family, who I love, so P sees the discrepancy. I'm more than happy for him to make plans with his family, it's just not my responsibility especially after the history.

I think that's absolutely reasonable, it's not your responsibility to facilitate his relationship with his sister. That's for him to do.

Realitea · 16/07/2022 13:16

She probably felt very awkward but family come first and I would support my brother if he showed up and needed somewhere to stay. It would’ve been better if you’d had a chat with her once your dh came back. It’s not too late. Try to make an effort with her even if you are very different because his family mean a lot to him.
However, there is no rule to say you have to be best friends with her. That’s not necessary.

saraclara · 16/07/2022 13:17

Why would your sister reach out to you when her brother had left you?
When my DD split from her partner and came back to stay with me, was I supposed to check that he was okay? You were being ridiculous to expect that.

You admit that you were absolutely foul to her, and I imagine it's very hard for your partner to have you and his sister at odds. Of course he wants to be able to sit down for a meal with his family as a whole. If that's not possible at the moment, then you're clearly not being as pleasant and civil to your SIL as you claim you are.

You don't have to do anything with just her (like a girly shopping trip). But responding and apologising for past behaviour, and being pleasant enough that the four if you can sit and share a meal sounds a reasonable enough ask to me.

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:21

saraclara · 16/07/2022 13:17

Why would your sister reach out to you when her brother had left you?
When my DD split from her partner and came back to stay with me, was I supposed to check that he was okay? You were being ridiculous to expect that.

You admit that you were absolutely foul to her, and I imagine it's very hard for your partner to have you and his sister at odds. Of course he wants to be able to sit down for a meal with his family as a whole. If that's not possible at the moment, then you're clearly not being as pleasant and civil to your SIL as you claim you are.

You don't have to do anything with just her (like a girly shopping trip). But responding and apologising for past behaviour, and being pleasant enough that the four if you can sit and share a meal sounds a reasonable enough ask to me.

Why? We didn't split because I had done anything wrong. We split because of his MH (work related + his lifestyle) he took himself away leaving me and his baby son. I'm her nephew's mother and was hurting a great deal too; plus while looking after the baby. I think it would've been the decent thing to do for her to send me a text to see if I was ok.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 16/07/2022 13:22

I can see why your DH wants everyone to get on and especially as his sister is the only relative he has in the town . But he sounds like he is trying to forge a relationship between you that just isn't going to happen due to the fact you are totally different people. How do you get on with her partner ? Just wondering if you could have a bbq /meal out occasionally to make your dh happy whilst making it clear he shouldn't be pushing you and her to go on girly shopping afternoons/spa days as that won't be happening.

spotcheck · 16/07/2022 13:23

So, your partner had a breakdown, left and went to stay at his sisters.
You got pissed and said terrible things to her, and realise you behaved badly. Why would she ‘reach out’ to you? Did you apologise?

You’ve given yourself a pass for that, but you are clearly angry with her because she ‘isn’t involved enough with her nephew’. This sounds like an excuse to hold onto a grudge

I would lay money that you are not as ‘friendly and polite’ as you think you are, and she feels unwelcome, thus cancelling Christmas and not being involved with your son.

To me it sounds like your partner abandoned you, you don’t feel you can be angry with him, so your sister in law is getting it

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