To not want an independent relationship with partner's sister

[roarfeckingroarr]

There's a backstory. It's long. Main points: P's sister has been unreliable and hard work since P and I first met, including cancelling on us last minute for Christmas because she had a better offer. She gave us zero support when we had a baby despite so much talk and writing said baby letters about how close an aunt she would be(!!!). The biggest issue is that I I feel like she facilitated P in leaving us (he's back now - he had a breakdown) when baby was 8 months old (by giving him someone to stay) and not asking once if I was ok... but overall we are very different people. I find her very intense, needlessly emotional, and our politics are very different, but she's not a bad person.

For balance, I haven't been an angel. I called her some choice terms once (to her face) after P left. I was drunk (not something I make a habit of, I don't drink on the whole), she was there, I was full of hormones and grief after he left as baby was still small, and I said things I shouldn't have. I own that, it was bad behaviour, but I'm not actually sorry because it was a long time ago and for points mentioned above. I also tend to forgive and forget easily with everyone else in my life, so P doesn't get why I can't or don't when it comes to her. I think it's because I've never actually had any benefit to her being in my life - I don't have any love or history to fall back on.

Anyway. Partner wants us to have a relationship, he wants us both to apologise and to make an effort together. He wants us to be able to have dinner with her and her partner and spend time as a group. He doesn't have much family and he moved to my city (where she is too) when we got serious, so he doesn't have many friends here and this would mean a lot to him.

I think that me being civil and facilitating our son seeing her - and of course never bad mouthing her and always being pleasant when we do see each other - is enough, because a) anything else would be fake/forced and b) I gave her a big chance early on and I think she blew it with the Christmas thing. Maybe a closer relationship will grow in time, but I'm not there yet.

Well done if you got this far. AIBU? Issues with P are whole other post,

@saraclara

Here is where I got it.

The OP doesn't owe his sister a relationship beyond being polite when they meet.

She doesn't owe her partner or his sister her organisational skills either.

The OP should make sure she stays close to her family who no doubt supported her when he buggered off to his sisters for his mental breakdown.

He sounds like a selfish arse that actually should be focusing on his partner and making up for hugely letting her down, rather than hassling her to be buddies with his sister and facilitate HIS relationship with HIS sister.

OP, you protect yourself and your child and keep YOUR family, who YOU can rely on, close to you.

I repeat, I think the OP is VERY forgiving.

Anyway. Partner wants us to have a relationship, he wants us both to apologise and to make an effort together.

Based on what you've written, I'm not sure she'd be any more up for the grand reconciliation any more than you are.

that's what I've done - said I'll always turn up, be friendly, move on from past things.

That sounds reasonable. What sort of a relationship does your DP want you to have? (Genuine question, not snarky, but I'm aware just written down it could sound it.)

Potentially PPs could be right, that in giving him somewhere to go when he had a breakdown was the right thing to do. But only you know all the circumstances. Maybe this Issues with P are whole other post, is the real problem and what sort of a relationship you have with his sister is just a sideshow.

"We split because of his MH (work related + his lifestyle) he took himself away leaving me and his baby son".

Considering the above and how badly he let you down, his focus being on you and his sister apologising to each other if frankly rich.

Better he get his own house in order rather than bugging you to act as his social diarist with his sister, particularly as she is flaky.

Having a couples dinner with one of only people he knows in your city really isn't asking too much. It's weird how much you are projecting your own problems on to her

Thank you @billy1966 and @ChimpMcGarvey . I feel like you've really understood where I'm coming from and how hard it's been - and how I'm expected to just suck it all up and make a big effort.

You sound like you are looking for reasons to dislike her, & that's possibly because it's easier to blame her than your partner over the break-up. Giving her own brother a place to stay when you split is hardly a sin, & neither is not "reaching out" to you - why would she? She prioritised her brother, quite rightly, & was probably already feeling your animosity toward her.

The xmas thing is petty. If you don't like her, why would it aggrieve you that she changed her mind about spending xmas with you?

However ... your DP is being daft trying to force a relationship.
Given that you don't get on - & that, btw, is perfectly fair enough - the best he can expect is what you are actually offering: a conflict-free, social-expectation-meeting dinner every now & then. If he wants more, he's being unrealistic.
Tell him so.
"DP, I love you, but I don't have to love your sister. We are never going to see eye to eye politically & that's a big thing for me, but I'm not making a fuss about it & am prepared to see her socially. Just stop asking me to be best mates with her 'cos it's not gonna happen - ok?"

How hard is that?
If he can't accept it, you have bigger problems than making nice with someone you feel cool toward.

@PlinkPlonkFizz yeah exactly. I just don't see why he needs us to be closer when I've already said I will be friendly when we see her, she's welcome in my home etc.
Isn't that enough?

I repeat, I think the OP is VERY forgiving.

For what? Because a sister took a brother in when he was ill? The op admits that she was rude to his sister. It doesn't look like the op ever apologised for doing so but blames it on alcohol and hormones. At no point has she said the sister has said rude things to her. The op hasn't even forgiven her for not spending Christmas with them. What has the sister done that needs forgiving?

Oh FFS.

Your 'partner' & his sister love talking big, don't they?
All her BS about what a close auntie she is going to be (writing a letter to the baby is so ... sickmakingly performative), but no action.

If your DP wants to see more of his sister - HE can arrange it.
The most he can expect of you is to be polite when he manages to facilitate that himself. Why he is looking to you to do it for him is beyond me.

So much this. Why is spending time with his sister in a city that he moved to, thus leaving friends behind, so much of a big ask?

Forgiving of her PARTNER who left her with a small baby.

IMO he should be working on his relationship with HER rather than hassling her to facilitate his relationship with HIS sister.

The OP's relationship with his sister is clearly only via her child, so why would she be arranging things with her?

When she was left with a baby she didn't get so much as a quick call to check how she was.

The OP knows EXACTLY what sort of relationship she has with his sister and doesn't feel it's her job to act as THEIR social secretary.

She has her own family to keep in touch with and organise contact with.

@KettrickenSmiled that they do.

I sent understand why you feel she should have supported you when you weren't particularly close? And she didnt encourage him to leave, she allowed him to stay. You've no idea what she talked to him about.

It sounds like you have focused all your anger and hurt that you have about your husband to her. She's not done anything wrong.

And if your husband sees you make a huge effort with your family but just about tolerate her then it is understandable that it is upsetting.

So I feel you should be honest with yourself about her role in all this and then give her a fair chance. If you still don't particularly warm to her then just keep it civil.

I have always been really good friends with my exes sisters/brothers. But the difference is that i respect that they are family and like my ex's sister doesn't condone the way he treated me, she still loves him and supports him.

@MarshaMelrose it wasn't the not spending Christmas together. It was telling her brother (didn't even bother to talk to me, who was cooking and planning everything) 2 days before Christmas Day and then not being straight about why. To be that's rude and disrespectful.

I've accepted I'm wrong about her taking him in. I'll work on my feelings around that.

We understand OP, because we both get buggering off on your partner and new baby is a big deal.

As@ChimpMcGarvey rightly says, how many women can afford the luxury of a work/lifestyle breakdown with a new baby and leave to stay with family.

Out of pure curiosity, how does YOUR family view his behaviour?

So you got drunk and abused her because she gave her brother a place to stay but you're not sorry and she's still the bad guy? Can't see why she wouldn't be giving your child the attention you're pissed off that she's not giving.
Especially after saying she wanted to be a big part of their life. Presumably before your drunken attack? She probably did mean it, can't imagine why she didn't follow through 🙄

@billy1966 very poorly, including his behaviour since, but they're friendly in person. He doesn't have a separate friendship with my parents / cousins - so why must I with his sister?

It's totally normal that I make a huge effort to see my own family. They're my family! I get on well with the rest of his,

Had his father to stay for weeks at a time...

I am endlessly friendly with them. I just don't want to force a closer relationship with his sister. Im totally happy for him to see her with or without our son in tow because im a reasonable person who respects their relationship. If P suggested we all get together I would turn up and be friendly. She's welcome in my home. That should be enough.

we both get buggering off on your partner and new baby is a big deal.
how many women can afford the luxury of a work/lifestyle breakdown with a new baby

I can say from experience that when you have a breakdown you don't always behave in the way you would if you weren't having a breakdown. You make bad decisions and don't treat others how you would when you're well. Having a breakdown is a big deal in itself. Its not a luxury or lifestyle choice. If a woman had a breakdown, a new baby wouldn't, couldn't stop it.

So much this. Why is spending time with his sister in a city that he moved to, thus leaving friends behind, so much of a big ask?

It isn't a big ask. And the OP is quite happy to do it, even to the point of inviting the SIL to events at the OP's house and being perfectly friendly and civil to her.

But it sounds like this isn't enough for her DP.

I really hope you've got some help from this thread OP. I think its divided pretty neatly between those who can relate from their own experience and those who can't. You need your DP to understand the impact of his MH problems on you and that just because he's feeling better doesn't mean that you are. You haven't been given the time to process the grief from what must have been a very dark time. Its not that you want to guilt him into anything, it's just it would be fairer to have your feelings heard too. It sounds a bit like he's not really hearing or seeing you more generally in fact, as he's pretty much ignoring the differences between his family and yours and your preferences with his sister.
Would he consider some couples counselling or the like? It might give you a space to express your hurt and help him to hear what you have to say?

Regardless of the backstory, at the end of the day adults are free to choose who they want to have close friendships with. Each of us has this right whether we are talking about spouses' siblings, siblings' partners or the NDN.

OP isn't trying to stop her DP or her DCs from having a relationship with DP's sister, nor is she saying she can't come round or anything like that, she just doesn't want an independent friendship with her. She absolutely has the right to make that decision.

You don’t have to have a relationship with her. Allowing dc contact and not preventing dp from seeing his family is enough. Why put this pressure on yourself?

Does he want you and her to have a friendship, as in just the two of you spending time together and doing things? Or is it more so you can all hang out together as a group without it being awkward for him? It does feel like this is all about him - what he wants. You and his sister are spoiling his happy life.

I really appreciate the support I've received here and those who have made an effort to understand the situation and why I'm struggling. I feel it's all on me, when I had to do so much on my own and still don't receive the emotional support from P I need. It's hard to be everything to everyone and sit on my feelings over and over again. I'm exhausted and sick of feeling that what I do isn't good enough when I feel like I've done so much despite it being so one way.