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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want an independent relationship with partner's sister

106 replies

roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 12:42

There's a backstory. It's long. Main points: P's sister has been unreliable and hard work since P and I first met, including cancelling on us last minute for Christmas because she had a better offer. She gave us zero support when we had a baby despite so much talk and writing said baby letters about how close an aunt she would be(!!!). The biggest issue is that I I feel like she facilitated P in leaving us (he's back now - he had a breakdown) when baby was 8 months old (by giving him someone to stay) and not asking once if I was ok... but overall we are very different people. I find her very intense, needlessly emotional, and our politics are very different, but she's not a bad person.

For balance, I haven't been an angel. I called her some choice terms once (to her face) after P left. I was drunk (not something I make a habit of, I don't drink on the whole), she was there, I was full of hormones and grief after he left as baby was still small, and I said things I shouldn't have. I own that, it was bad behaviour, but I'm not actually sorry because it was a long time ago and for points mentioned above. I also tend to forgive and forget easily with everyone else in my life, so P doesn't get why I can't or don't when it comes to her. I think it's because I've never actually had any benefit to her being in my life - I don't have any love or history to fall back on.

Anyway. Partner wants us to have a relationship, he wants us both to apologise and to make an effort together. He wants us to be able to have dinner with her and her partner and spend time as a group. He doesn't have much family and he moved to my city (where she is too) when we got serious, so he doesn't have many friends here and this would mean a lot to him.

I think that me being civil and facilitating our son seeing her - and of course never bad mouthing her and always being pleasant when we do see each other - is enough, because a) anything else would be fake/forced and b) I gave her a big chance early on and I think she blew it with the Christmas thing. Maybe a closer relationship will grow in time, but I'm not there yet.

Well done if you got this far. AIBU? Issues with P are whole other post,

OP posts:

Original poster

roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 19:05

@lastminutedotcom22 it does. I am the polar opposite to JK style drama. That's why I'm calm, friendly, accommodating, but don't want to further engage. Apparently she wants to have a big emotional heart to heart. This is not me and I shouldn't have to do IT just because it is what she wants/needs.

OP posts:

Murdoch1949 · 16/07/2022 19:13

For the sake of your relationship, agree to meals out together, polite chat but no joint holidays!

Pickanameforme · 16/07/2022 19:31

TooTightFit that is exactly what happened to me. XH buggered off to his sister's for 3 months. They all refused to tell me where he was, in fact they all lied and said that they didn't know where he was. 3 months and not one of them rang to check how the DC's were, or how I was.
YANBU

OooErr · 16/07/2022 21:04

TooTightFit · 16/07/2022 18:39

I kind of get where you are coming from.

In the past I facilitated all meet ups with my in-laws and I was pretty much damned if I do, and damned if I didn’t. My SIL totally took advantage of my generosity and bad mouthed me behind my back.

Then my DH had a wobble and said he didn’t want to be married anymore. My SIL offered him her spare room and full board and he could bring the DC there anytime. My DH tangled me on a thread for 3 months and only came crashing back down to earth when I packed his bags and asked him to leave. During these 3 months my in-laws didn’t speak to me once, or ask about my DC. Where were they when my DC were crying, heart broken, asking what was going to happen to us and I was crushed and desperate?

OK, so I get I’m not their family, but personally I have been on the other end of this with my other SIL’s and I behaved differently.

So, now everyone expects me to go back ti accommodating, generous, tour leader and facilitator TightFit……except I’m not. I was told how important me and my DC’s are and I listened.

I’m pleasant, and I’m welcoming, the 2-3 times I see them a year, which is much less than before. DH is free to organise whatever he wants, even better that I travel for work and often work weekends, so they can enjoy my DC TightFit free…..but he doesn’t. Nor does he send cards, but presents, organise Christmas or Mothers Day. It’s not my problem. If I’m not family enough to call when I’m desperate as my DH has left me and my DC, then your not family enough for me to facilitate anything.

I hear you op.

You're a brave and courageous woman! Their attitude makes me so angry!
It's not even a question of whose family it is.
Your children ARE their family, they have your genes. And they're innocent and vulnerable.
How can anybody facilitate a man just leaving his kids, without checking said kids are alright. You're either all in with a relationship or not.

Your 'D'H really doesn't deserve a woman like you. He's very lucky quite frankly

billy1966 · 16/07/2022 21:49

@TooTightFit, some in laws are very short sighted.
My friends BIL had an affair.
Her in laws that she was very fond of, brushed his actions aside and really abandoned their DIL and her two children.

My friend really stepped up for her SIL.

Their relationship has never really recovered. It was really close to the bone for her to see how they were suddenly out after 15 years.

She used the excuse of returning to FT work for handing over all wife work for his side of the family.

She said to me she'd be damned if she'd be running around after her in laws having seen their treatment of her SIL and her children.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 17/07/2022 08:51

It doesn't sound like your partner is asking you to have an independent' relationship with her. You say he wants you all ie both couples to socialise together. That is completely reasonable. If she also has a partner then it would probably be uncomfortable for your partner to be the third wheel with them in social engagements.

If he was expecting you to do thinks just you and your sister in law then that would be an 'individual' relationship and you can say no to that.

You are holding on to resentment over nothing. She absolutely should have given your partner somewhere to stay when he was having a tough time. Her not messaging you isn't so terrible, especially given you are not close to each other. She probably isn't as close to your son as she wants to be because if you.

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