To not want an independent relationship with partner's sister

[roarfeckingroarr]

There's a backstory. It's long. Main points: P's sister has been unreliable and hard work since P and I first met, including cancelling on us last minute for Christmas because she had a better offer. She gave us zero support when we had a baby despite so much talk and writing said baby letters about how close an aunt she would be(!!!). The biggest issue is that I I feel like she facilitated P in leaving us (he's back now - he had a breakdown) when baby was 8 months old (by giving him someone to stay) and not asking once if I was ok... but overall we are very different people. I find her very intense, needlessly emotional, and our politics are very different, but she's not a bad person.

For balance, I haven't been an angel. I called her some choice terms once (to her face) after P left. I was drunk (not something I make a habit of, I don't drink on the whole), she was there, I was full of hormones and grief after he left as baby was still small, and I said things I shouldn't have. I own that, it was bad behaviour, but I'm not actually sorry because it was a long time ago and for points mentioned above. I also tend to forgive and forget easily with everyone else in my life, so P doesn't get why I can't or don't when it comes to her. I think it's because I've never actually had any benefit to her being in my life - I don't have any love or history to fall back on.

Anyway. Partner wants us to have a relationship, he wants us both to apologise and to make an effort together. He wants us to be able to have dinner with her and her partner and spend time as a group. He doesn't have much family and he moved to my city (where she is too) when we got serious, so he doesn't have many friends here and this would mean a lot to him.

I think that me being civil and facilitating our son seeing her - and of course never bad mouthing her and always being pleasant when we do see each other - is enough, because a) anything else would be fake/forced and b) I gave her a big chance early on and I think she blew it with the Christmas thing. Maybe a closer relationship will grow in time, but I'm not there yet.

Well done if you got this far. AIBU? Issues with P are whole other post,

Regardless of your feelings around her ‘facilitating’ him.
Your ‘D’ partner cannot force you to be friends with someone he doesn’t like. If he wants to to meet her that’s up to him.

Also why are you doing the organisational work? Just because you have a vagina?

His family, his effort. Hé sounds like a lazy, ungrateful sod quite frankly.

"sitting on my feelings' oh god, can relate and relate and relate.....
Don't settle for this.
But also don't worry about the sister thing (which is a seperate issue) . Its not going to happen, he can just deal with it. Like you had to.

💐💐💐 For you OP.

It doesn't sound like she's actually done anything to bad, definitely not worthy of acting like she's the worse person in the world cause she isn't

Also to add - If my sibling had just abandoned his wife and small baby. Wife saying bad things to me would be the least of my concerns!
Babies are already difficult and stressful without the added absence of a partner.

Dont hide the impact it had on you OP. Maybe any mental health issues he had wasn’t his fault but even for physical issues the impact on family is documented. He can’t just sit back and expect you to swallow it.

OP,

I think you should look for some counselling on your own.

You have had a deeply stressful time and continue to do so.

I think you need to think long and hard about what you are getting from this relationship?

It doesn't sound like a lot.

He has caused you huge upset, stress and grief, has moved on and is hassling you to also move on regarding his sister.

That he stayed with her is really NOT the issue.

The issue is he buggered off in the first place, leaving you to your small baby post partum.

The issue is that he hasn't stepped up since his return.

Stop pushing down your emotions.
This will make YOU ill.

He doesn't deserve your health.
You don't owe him your precious health.

I think he should move back to his sister whilst you take some time to decide if this is really what you want.

The issue with his his sister is tangled up with your hurt during this really stressful period.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

Don't stay in this relationship if it is making you unhappy and compromising your health.

The op said..
Anyway. Partner wants us to have a relationship, he wants us both to apologise and to make an effort together. He wants us to be able to have dinner with her and her partner and spend time as a group.

Where is this asking for anything other than an amiable relationship? The op should apologise for being rude. That doesn't require a heart to heart. At no point does he or the op say that's he's expecting them to best buds. Just that they both try to get along. It seems to me that if they were both being friendly to each, he wouldn't be asking them to make an effort. The op does hold rancour over Christmas and lack of support so that maybe that comes out unconsciously in their interactions. And maybe the sister behaves likewise and the ops partner sees it in both of them.

I feel like I've done so much despite it being so one way.

But you did this. And you're still not sorry for it.

I called her some choice terms once (to her face) after P left. I was drunk (not something I make a habit of, I don't drink on the whole), she was there, I was full of hormones and grief after he left as baby was still small, and I said things I shouldn't have. I own that, it was bad behaviour, but I'm not actually sorry

I think your brother is expecting a lot of her to be honest.

You know I don't quite understand how the OP ended up (alone?) with the sister after her partner had already left.
But someone with an 8-month-old baby whose partner had just walked out? The deserve to be cut some slack.
Also if my sibling had walked out I would be much more concerned about the baby, and whoever was caring for it. The baby is innocent. It doesn't deserve any of this. I would also be much more worried at seeing someone drunk, who wasn't usually. Them being rude to me would be the least of my problems!

In isolation what the OP did was bad. But it's in the whole context of how what was a very traumatic event, has just been swept under the carpet. And everyone is now expected to play happy families.

I've saved that message @billy1966 . Thank you for making me feel heard for the first time in a very long time.

Your partner has a small family and it's important to him that you and he have a relationship with his sister. I don't think you need to become best mates but you need fl include her and make the effort. Hanging out with her and her partner won't kill you. You know she's unreliable so do t count on her for things.

But maybe she was cautious ot not meddling? It doesn't sound like you ever super close. Maybe your P didn't want her getting involved. Maybe she was helping you indirectly by giving her brother some refuge and chats/advice. Maybe she felt it would be in poor taste to contact you at that time, and that you would prefer to be supported by your own friends and family rather than her...
There are so many reasons. I can't see that she did anything wrong and if you do feel so aggrieved by it, why not cpmmunicate that?

As for the Christmas thing, if this were a regular occurence of her cancelling, fair enough, but I'm a believer in the fact that you never know what is really going on in other people's lives and maybe something else had happened. Or maybe she did just get a better offer. Again, it doesn't sound like you're close. It's not great of her , but hardly behaviour, one time that would make you so determined not to have couples dinners with her.

And as for spending time with your son, maybe she does mean it but has found it difficult to do. You don't sound like you jave a relationship where she can easily drop by, and if it needs to be planned, are you also forthcoming with availability? Child free people know that people with children have hectic schedules so often usually leave it to them to suggest when is best to visit

Erm, no. I've been the sister in a similar situation, including giving my brother a bed when he left his wife earlier in the year. I wasn't popular with her but 🤷🏻‍♀️. Like I suspect is the case here, I've always known that my brothers wife didn't like me and it has affected the relationship I have with their children. My brother and I get on well enough, but I have no desire to spend time with someone who blatantly doesn't want to be in my company...and I'm certainly not interested in helping her out with the children.

As for the Christmas thing...well I can't see what she did that was so wrong? So she told her brother she couldn't make it...big deal. She would have assumed that he'd tell his partner. I'm pretty sure I'd not want to spend my precious Christmas with the OP either.

I also agree with the PP that I think you maybe have P issues more than SIL issues

I have always been welcoming. When we first met I made a big effort. I invited her over often. The Christmas thing hurt; it was baby's first Christmas, she had wanted to come then with very very little notice she cancelled - without so much as a text to me (the host). But I've never shown it, I continued to invite her over and make an effort when out together I even encouraged P to spend more time with her and for him to take DS to see her.

A lot of posters are implying I've always been a cow who didn't like her. This is so far from the case. I would have loved to have a sister myself and I truly hoped to have a great relationship with SIL.

When P left I was very hurt, confused and angry. I had my own struggles with PND. I had tried so hard to help him, but he preferred to go out on the piss instead. I was lonely and felt worthless and unlovable, but I didn't walk out because I couldn't (and wouldn't). For him to expect me to build a close relationship now when she didn't once ask how I was then, feels like a lot to ask. For the record, I did apologise after being rude.

I've had some great support here and really appreciate it. I've taken other comments on board. I agree I have major partner problems (fortunately not husband), and I'm making my plans for the future.

I wouldn’t fake a relationship I don’t feel. Just tell your partner no, but do be civil.

You do seem to be holding quite a bit of anger which is understandable but it also appears to be unfairly aimed at her. He’s her brother, it’s right she offered him a room, and it may have been she didn’t feel she could be a friend to both sides.

Your partner is being so unreasonable to demand/expect this of you. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to be welcoming whilst also having your own boundaries, after being hurt. Keep doing as you are, and if you're partner is causing issues over this, I would definitely be having a look at the relationship and if you are happy.

Good luck OP!
Your child may have a lazy sod for a father but he/she's lucky to have you.

@misskatamari thank you. I feel like my boundaries have been trampled over and everyone's feelings have mattered but mine. I had a lot of therapy to get those boundaries and I have been made to feel like I'm being unreasonable for not forgetting them.

Thank you @OooErr . I'm incredibly lucky to have him too, he's an absolute angel.

I think this is very reasonable OP. If he organises a meal with her and her partner, you'll go along, have wine, a nice chit chat, and go home.

If along the way you find you are getting on better, you can go from there.

This sounds really sensible and fair

I completely agree with @misskatamari

"When P left I was very hurt, confused and angry. I had my own struggles with PND. I had tried so hard to help him, but he preferred to go out on the piss instead. I was lonely and felt worthless and unlovable, but I didn't walk out because I couldn't (and wouldn't). For him to expect me to build a close relationship now when she didn't once ask how I was then, feels like a lot to ask. For the record, I did apologise after being rude."

I suspect you have had the most dreadful time and your family have the measure of the piss head you are with, who chose alcohol instead of his new baby and partner.

Disregard those posters that would blame a distressed struggling mother, whose partner abandoned her and her baby.

Hang on to those hard won boundaries, your general health, including mental, and don't be bullied into anything that doesn't feel right.

Thank goodness you aren't married and can separate from him easily.

He is not to be depended upon.
You deserve so much better.

Your baby is so lucky to have you, and you are lucky with your family.

Lean on them and move forward making choices that are best for you and your baby long term.

Wishing you the very best, which is no less than you deserve.

I kind of get where you are coming from.

In the past I facilitated all meet ups with my in-laws and I was pretty much damned if I do, and damned if I didn’t. My SIL totally took advantage of my generosity and bad mouthed me behind my back.

Then my DH had a wobble and said he didn’t want to be married anymore. My SIL offered him her spare room and full board and he could bring the DC there anytime. My DH tangled me on a thread for 3 months and only came crashing back down to earth when I packed his bags and asked him to leave. During these 3 months my in-laws didn’t speak to me once, or ask about my DC. Where were they when my DC were crying, heart broken, asking what was going to happen to us and I was crushed and desperate?

OK, so I get I’m not their family, but personally I have been on the other end of this with my other SIL’s and I behaved differently.

So, now everyone expects me to go back ti accommodating, generous, tour leader and facilitator TightFit……except I’m not. I was told how important me and my DC’s are and I listened.

I’m pleasant, and I’m welcoming, the 2-3 times I see them a year, which is much less than before. DH is free to organise whatever he wants, even better that I travel for work and often work weekends, so they can enjoy my DC TightFit free…..but he doesn’t. Nor does he send cards, but presents, organise Christmas or Mothers Day. It’s not my problem. If I’m not family enough to call when I’m desperate as my DH has left me and my DC, then your not family enough for me to facilitate anything.

I hear you op.

well, I still think you are being a bit unreasonable to your SIL on this point. She didn’t “facilitate” him leaving at all. She gave her brother a place to stay when ye was unwell and did not want to be with you (even if only temporarily or due to being unwell). Why on earth are you angry at her for that? You’ve directed your anger in the wrong place on that one.

You have also been unfair to her, in my view, when it comes to contacting you/checking up on you. The two of you, by your own admission, were not close when this happened. You have your own family for support, I presume, so she probably thought you had the help you needed. She may also have felt that, given your distant relationship at the time and the fact you blamed her for taking her brother in, that any input from her would be unwelcome. I do understand that this was a really tough time for you, and that can colour your views, but your SIL had taken in her brother who was having, by your own description, a mental health breakdown. I imagine she wasn’t exactly having a jolly old time, calculatingly leaving you out to make things miserable for you on purpose- if he was as ill as you suggest, she was probably dealing with a lot too and very worried about her brother. It’s not easy living with someone who has poor mental health (as you probably know from experience), even more so during an acute crisis. And she would also have been dealing with her own life/work/relationship. So, quite a lot on her plate too…. You also don’t know what she was being told about you, perhaps your partner was placing blame on you/painting you in a bad light (however inaccurate that may have been).

I’m not saying it wouldn’t have been nice or thoughtful of her to check in on you, but I think holding it against her, given the circumstances, seems more like trying to find something to justify your dislike of her.

she was unreasonable to cancel Christmas with little notice. That was rude. If you don’t like her, you don’t like her- you aren’t obliged to. But just be honest with your partner and say you just don’t particularly like her and aren’t interested in fostering a closer relationship.

Sounds like you're a very strong and accommodating woman @TooTightFit . You keep doing what you're doing. Thank you for your kind words. I hear you too,

@roarfeckingroarr

This sounds like you could all go on some Jeremy style style show there's enough material for it

Go non-contact it all sounds horrific