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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an independent relationship with partner's sister

106 replies

roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 12:42

There's a backstory. It's long. Main points: P's sister has been unreliable and hard work since P and I first met, including cancelling on us last minute for Christmas because she had a better offer. She gave us zero support when we had a baby despite so much talk and writing said baby letters about how close an aunt she would be(!!!). The biggest issue is that I I feel like she facilitated P in leaving us (he's back now - he had a breakdown) when baby was 8 months old (by giving him someone to stay) and not asking once if I was ok... but overall we are very different people. I find her very intense, needlessly emotional, and our politics are very different, but she's not a bad person.

For balance, I haven't been an angel. I called her some choice terms once (to her face) after P left. I was drunk (not something I make a habit of, I don't drink on the whole), she was there, I was full of hormones and grief after he left as baby was still small, and I said things I shouldn't have. I own that, it was bad behaviour, but I'm not actually sorry because it was a long time ago and for points mentioned above. I also tend to forgive and forget easily with everyone else in my life, so P doesn't get why I can't or don't when it comes to her. I think it's because I've never actually had any benefit to her being in my life - I don't have any love or history to fall back on.

Anyway. Partner wants us to have a relationship, he wants us both to apologise and to make an effort together. He wants us to be able to have dinner with her and her partner and spend time as a group. He doesn't have much family and he moved to my city (where she is too) when we got serious, so he doesn't have many friends here and this would mean a lot to him.

I think that me being civil and facilitating our son seeing her - and of course never bad mouthing her and always being pleasant when we do see each other - is enough, because a) anything else would be fake/forced and b) I gave her a big chance early on and I think she blew it with the Christmas thing. Maybe a closer relationship will grow in time, but I'm not there yet.

Well done if you got this far. AIBU? Issues with P are whole other post,

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 16/07/2022 13:25

I think I'd tell him that you'll draw a line under everything.

But he can organise anything he wants and you'll rock up and be happy. He can also buy any presents he wants etc

Basically I think you've read way too much into what's happened but you also don't have to be best buds with her anyway

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:25

@spotcheck the unreliability and Christmas happened before the rest, when I was very very welcoming (hence inviting for Christmas), asked her for lunch, drinks etc. I made a massive effort. It wasn't reciprocated. Stuff happened on the intCakeEnvy

OP posts:
Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:31

Interim.

Since all that, I've invited her to family events that I planned (and that were in my home, before P moved back in - I own it, we're not married). I've been genuinely friendly, I just don't feel the need to sit down and have a big heart to heart and do things just the two of us.

I get on with the rest of his family well for what it's worth.. His father calls me his daughter and often tells me how lucky his son is, what a good mother I am. I also get on well with P's friends and colleagues.

OP posts:
Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:33

@forrestgreen that's what I've done - said I'll always turn up, be friendly, move on from past things. I'm just not able to give more yet without it being disingenuous. Currently I don't like or trust her, but I'm very willing to work on it and will give her the benefit

OP posts:
Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:34

Of the doubt. Sorry! Typing with pram,

OP posts:
CPL593H · 16/07/2022 13:34

One question is does she actually want to spend more time with you? It sounds as if you have been just as unreasonable and dramatic with her as she has with you, TBH. Anyone expecting me not to take a brother experiencing acute mental health issues in would get very short shrift.

You don't have to have an artificially close relationship and frankly, it sounds as if you would both be better off keeping your limited stores of civility for unavoidable family gatherings rather than trying to force one. You don't like each other, there is history, better keeping a distance. Your partner should accept this.

2bazookas · 16/07/2022 13:34

Your DP had a breakdown. If his sister HADNT given him a refuge . to get away somewhere safe, decompress, he might never have made such a good recovery that you could get back together and rebuild your relationship.

Instead of blaming her , think of her as facilitating DP's recovery and helping to save your marriage.

DP seems to have learned from his breakdown/departure/return that people can change, relationships can be rebuilt, trouble can be mended, there are different perspectives. You should treasure that quality in him because it's a marital strength you will benefit from.

Maybe you could learn from it, and try to do the same.

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:35

@CPL593H that's what I want. Apparently she's sad we aren't closer. I think that's manipulative BS.

OP posts:
Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 13:37

Ok, seems I'm wrong to have bad feelings about her taking P in when he was going through a lot. I'll take that on board. I'm possibly projecting a lot of residual hurt and anger unfairly.

OP posts:
FeliciaFancybottom · 16/07/2022 13:46

Do you believe he wouldn't have left you if she hadn't taken in him? He's a grown up and you're blaming the wrong person, he wanted to leave and she gave him somewhere safe to stay when his mental health was bad. I'd be grateful for that tbh as the alternatives could have been devastating.
You don't have to be best friends with her and you certainly don't have to spend time with her just the two of you but you do have to realise it probably wasn't her fault your partner left you and let that go.

Monoandsix · 16/07/2022 13:46

I don't understand what relationship your DH expects you to have with SIL. Does he want you to be BFFs or something?

I get along OK with SIL. Will happily chat with her when we meet up as a family. She's done a lot of looking after the kids. Will stop and chat with her in the street etc. But I wouldn't be texting her to go for a drink on a Friday night just the two of us.

DH is the same with my siblings. He will happily chat with them etc. But wouldn't meet up with them without me there.

Spohn · 16/07/2022 13:47

Why not focus on your issues with your boyfriend,and how they are impacting your kid? His relatives are nothing to do with you, no matter how much he wants to force a friendship.

MarshaMelrose · 16/07/2022 13:50

Anyway. Partner wants us to have a relationship, he wants us both to apologise and to make an effort together. He wants us to be able to have dinner with her and her partner and spend time as a group. He doesn't have much family and he moved to my city (where she is too) when we got serious, so he doesn't have many friends here and this would mean a lot to him.

His sister came to his aid while he was having a breakdown and gave him some where to stay to. I would absolutely do that for my sister. I would always be there for her. And I would think over that period of you being split up, he'd have said things against you to her. So she'll have some negativity over that.
But I can't see where he says he wants you to have relationship other than maybe the four of you go out together. And as he moved to your city so lost his friendship group, suffers from mental health disorders and has few friends, I don't see why that's a big ask. From what you're saying the thing you hold against her is she once cancelled Christmas plans 2 days before. Maybe it's time to let that go.

girlfriend44 · 16/07/2022 13:56

No dont do it, its not necessary, she is nothing to do with you, just a person who happens to be related to your partner.

You cant force these things either.

billy1966 · 16/07/2022 14:02

Wilkolampshade · 16/07/2022 13:07

You know YABU re' her having him to stay, but no, it would have been perfectly reasonable for her to call and check you were OK.
I think maybe you feel you were expected to just suck it up with his breakdown and no one is acknowledging how tough that was? I can see why that hurts. Also, it's infuriating that your DH seems to think you can just pick up where you all left off and pretend all that never happened. It must feel like he isn't listening to you.

FWIW I don't think you have to be friends with people you don't like. Warm civility is fine.

Nailed it

Polite is enough.

He wants you to facilitate his family and do the wife work of organising him and his sister.

Not your job.

You have had more than enough on your plate.

He has badlyet you down, not acknowledged and is now hassling you.

Bullet prove contraception is a must.

Never put him in a position that he has the power to let you down again.

You are clearly very forgiving.

CallOnMe · 16/07/2022 14:04

YABU

You’re annoyed that she gave her brother was was suffering from MH issues a place to stay after he had a breakdown.
You’re annoyed she didn’t text you asking if you were ok even though it was her that was dealing with it even though she wouldn’t have wanted to.
You’re also annoyed that she doesn’t babysit your child.

You sound extremely entitled and I don’t know why you have such an issue with her.

You also admit that you were not very nice to her so I can completely see why she’d be flaky about being around you and why your DH thinks you should be the one making the effort.

ZaraSizeMedium · 16/07/2022 14:06

It sounds to me like your partner is trying to force a friendship with you and his sister to suit him - perhaps because it sounds very much like you’re the organiser of things with your family and friends, and now he wants you facilitate a social life for him.

I’d be really quite dubious that his sister is sad you aren’t closer - I’m sure you’ve only heard that from your partner, not from her, and I’ll bet he’s telling her the same thing about you.

Things sound fine as they are. You’re civil, she’s welcome in your home, you’re ok with spending time with her.

Your lazy arse partner is just unhappy that you aren’t organising social stuff for him. If he wants more of that he should organise it himself.

You’re not responsible for building up a friendship circle for him or taking the lead on making arrangements to see his family.

saraclara · 16/07/2022 14:12

He wants you to facilitate his family and do the wife work of organising him and his sister.

Not your job.

Where do you get that from? This is what OP said.

He wants us to be able to have dinner with her and her partner and spend time as a group. He doesn't have much family and he moved to my city (where she is too) when we got serious, so he doesn't have many friends here and this would mean a lot to him.

He's had a breakdown. He's trying to rebuild his life, and he wants to be able to enjoy a meal or an outing together without being stressed that his wife and sister will kick off. That's all. It's not a lot to want. He's not asking her to organise these things.

And again, if that's all he wants, and it's not happening already, then OP is being disingenuous about how friendly and welcoming she's being at the moment.

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 14:17

Thank you @billy1966 you've nailed it

OP posts:
Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 14:18

@CallOnMe I'm annoyed she talks about wanting to be close to my son then doesn't make an effort. If she didn't talk such a big game I wouldn't mind at all

OP posts:
Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2022 14:22

@saraclara he knows we won't kick off. We have seen each other many times - at I arranged and invited her to - and I've been friendly. I thought I made that clear. I just don't feel any desire to be friends over and above family occasions.

OP posts:
ChimpMcGarvey · 16/07/2022 14:26

Where do you get that from?

She doesn't need to make arrangements with me - she can do so with her brother

the truth is that without me to organise they don't do much. I do organise things with my family, who I love, so P sees the discrepancy. I'm more than happy for him to make plans with his family, it's just not my responsibility especially after the history

Lazy bastard wants OP to do all the work. Fuck that.

Just like when he walked out on his 8 month old baby, and his sister didn’t even phone to check that the mother of her 8 month old nephew was ok.

Funny you never of mothers just waking out on their babies for a break, women don’t tend to have that luxury, we just have to get in with things. And now he’s waltsed back in and given the OP some extra wife work to add to her load.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/07/2022 14:29

Can I just clarify something @roarfeckingroarr ?

"I called her some choice terms once (to her face) after P left. I was drunk (not something I make a habit of, I don't drink on the whole), she was there, I was full of hormones and grief after he left as baby was still small, and I said things I shouldn't have."

How long had he been living with his sister when you did that? As in, how long had she had to check how you, left by her brother with your 8 month old son, were doing? And since you did it to her face, where did this happen - your home, her home, chance encounter outside? There's a huge difference to me between her picking up stuff that he left behind from your home the day after he moved, and six months of radio silence from her, if you see what I mean.

Regardless, your comments that "Partner wants us to have a relationship, he wants us both to apologise and to make an effort together" and "Issues with P are whole other post" predisposes me to think you're making more than enough effort already. Maybe too much.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 16/07/2022 14:30

You owe her civility and probably surface friendliness for your DPs sake nothing more.

Ignore DPs requests for friends/ independent meetings- thats bollocks and patronising nonsense about women all being BFFs just because your female.

ThinWomansBrain · 16/07/2022 14:33

he wants us both to apologise and to make an effort together. He wants us to be able to have dinner with her and her partner and spend time as a group.

that isn't really an independent relationship though? as you say, it's spending time with them as a couple - not her indepenently being your best mate.
Hopefully that's on a time limited basis, not 24/7, but it doesn't sound unreasonable.
If yur partner has recently had MH issues, supporting family ties and relationships if that helps him feel settled/grounded - maybe even happy, then occasional socialising as a family seems a very reasonable thing to do.