Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I might need to consider moving to get away from my parents?

101 replies

janeseymour78 · 15/07/2022 20:33

I'll start by saying I have owned a flat where I live for 2 years so it isn't straight forward.

My issue is that I'm an only child and my parents still focus on me too much although I'm 29. They text me most days although I did start going grey rock so my mum texts a bit less.

But for example she knew a friend was visiting & we were going to an event. She contacts me to ask if the friend arrived 'safely' - she lives in this country ffs. Then she asks if we went to the event, how was it. I find it intrusive and I'm busy with my friend. My dad also bombards me with endless messages. I'm sick of both of them and actually began to cry earlier after yet another message. I almost knew I was over reacting but felt so stressed about it.

I lived abroad for years and they didn't know my life in detail so they didn't behave like this. I seriously question if I made a mistake moving back close to them and wonder how to get out of this. When I think of living like this for the next 20 years I can hardly bear it tbh

OP posts:
butternutsquishh · 15/07/2022 20:35

From the example about your mum totally normal conversation

I think you’ll need to add the drip feed?

Ohdearthatwasntgreatwasit · 15/07/2022 20:37

What terrible people, taking an interest in their <<checks notes>> only daughter’s life.

How awful.

namechange30455 · 15/07/2022 20:37

It sounds like a lot of it's by messages so think back to why they knew less about your life when you lived abroad. Presumably you told them less/engaged with messages less? I think you need to do that again tbh. You don't have to reply to messages straight away, or at all. Can you mute them until you have time to deal with them?

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 15/07/2022 20:39

@butternutsquishh during a previous time when I tried to assert a boundary about the amount of texting she lost the plot saying I was selfish and ungrateful, all she ever did was love me etc. So all the messaging not always coming from a healthy place.

I just think back to being abroad in my early 20s, always having friends to stay without her knowing details. Now asking all these questions...it makes me feel like a child again and like she is over involved. They messaged me a bit but not much. Now it's almost all the time because I am in their lives in person now. But I find I hate it and I know they'd be sad to know I feel that way.

OP posts:
JanisMoplin · 15/07/2022 20:39

Eh? Your mum asked how an event was and you find it so intrusive that you cry?

VestPantsandSocks · 15/07/2022 20:39

Curious - why did you move back near them if you didnt want any contact?

butternutsquishh · 15/07/2022 20:40

Tell them less then! If you tell them your seeing x and doing y they will also surely?

How much texting was happening when you had to put a boundary in?

butternutsquishh · 15/07/2022 20:40

Also = ask

namechange30455 · 15/07/2022 20:41

Do your parents work, or have they recently retired? Do they have more time on their hands now than when you lived abroad?

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 15/07/2022 20:41

And when I do try to not tell her all details she says 'you are too private' - the reality she just wants to know every detail of my life. It was so much easier to be private when I lived far away.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 15/07/2022 20:41

If they text you too much you do realise they can do that no matter where you live don’t you?

luxxlisbon · 15/07/2022 20:41

You know you don’t have to reply as soon as you get a text?

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 15/07/2022 20:42

namechange30455 · 15/07/2022 20:41

Do your parents work, or have they recently retired? Do they have more time on their hands now than when you lived abroad?

Interesting question. My dad has recently reduced his work days and will retire early soon. My mum hasn't really. She has been quite lonely all my life and I've often felt like the filler to help her with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
janeseymour78 · 15/07/2022 20:45

VestPantsandSocks · 15/07/2022 20:39

Curious - why did you move back near them if you didnt want any contact?

The decision wasn't about them. Without going into detail after 3 years I was going through a difficult time and decided to come and regroup in my home city (they live in a town nearby).

I then got a job, flat and covid happened. Now I feel a bit stuck wondering whether I've made a mistake. And being an only child I can only seeing this reliance increase. I feel more down bad it than I ever have.

OP posts:
Stopthebusplease · 15/07/2022 20:47

I honestly think you're being quite selfish. Your parents really are only showing an interest, they're not trying to run your life for you. They're not telling you who you can see, or for how long. It's called having a relationship with your family. Can you honestly tell me that if you had kids you wouldn't be interested in their lives???

Bringonsummer19 · 15/07/2022 20:48

um
sorry OP but you sound pretty spoilt

be more proactive with sending them information or agreeing to meet every other Sunday for lunch, they may settle

how dreadful you have parents who care

user1474315215 · 15/07/2022 20:49

This level of contact seems pretty normal to me. It's the sort of thing I'd text to my DC and the sort of thing they'd check in with me about.

JanisMoplin · 15/07/2022 20:49

I text with my mom daily or she texts me, and she lives in a different country, so moving away may not help. I am 50. Perhaps the difference is that I don't see it as intrusive; I am glad someone takes an interest in my life. The only solution is to take it up with your mum again, even if she kicks off again.

tuscanleather · 15/07/2022 20:51

You sound delightful.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 15/07/2022 20:52

For me there is a false closeness involved with my mum. She was a high functioning alcoholic with a good job while I grew up. So I felt trapped with her and I also feel quite trapped by the relationship as an adulthood. I once alluded to the fact I'd felt so unhappy as a child due to her and she almost had a breakdown thinking she'd ruined my life.

So I went on as normal but the truth is that I struggle to have a normal relationship with her. I feel stuck for life in this situation.

OP posts:
chillidoritto · 15/07/2022 20:52

This is so messed up and incredibly sad. You can't be for real.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 15/07/2022 20:54

I think people are being harsh. For some only children parents can be overly dependent on their adult kids.

As I became single a couple of years ago I have no one to talk to about it and I'm struggling. And then obviously I come here and people say I'm awful which doesn't help.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 15/07/2022 20:54

That sounds normal to me, but your update about your mum makes more sense

bakermummy21 · 15/07/2022 20:55

I think your parents are just wanting to take an interest in your life which most parents do tbh. Maybe have a chat and ask them to message a bit less as you are often busy and can't always reply. Think they'd understand if it was said nicely.

JanisMoplin · 15/07/2022 20:55

with your update your post makes more sense. I can quite see that you are uncomfortable with her now trying to force a relationship. I hesitate to suggest therapy for every situation, but you both might benefit from it.