To think I might need to consider moving to get away from my parents?

[janeseymour78]

I'll start by saying I have owned a flat where I live for 2 years so it isn't straight forward.

My issue is that I'm an only child and my parents still focus on me too much although I'm 29. They text me most days although I did start going grey rock so my mum texts a bit less.

But for example she knew a friend was visiting & we were going to an event. She contacts me to ask if the friend arrived 'safely' - she lives in this country ffs. Then she asks if we went to the event, how was it. I find it intrusive and I'm busy with my friend. My dad also bombards me with endless messages. I'm sick of both of them and actually began to cry earlier after yet another message. I almost knew I was over reacting but felt so stressed about it.

I lived abroad for years and they didn't know my life in detail so they didn't behave like this. I seriously question if I made a mistake moving back close to them and wonder how to get out of this. When I think of living like this for the next 20 years I can hardly bear it tbh

OP can I ask what your other close relationships are like?

As a fellow only child of an alcoholic OP, I absolutely 100% get it. Every word. And I don’t think you’re awful at all.

I find my parents incredibly intrusive. They want to know things about me, and if I gave examples people would say ‘it’s lovely that they care’ - but it doesn’t feel like it’s because they care about me. It’s because they think they own me, that I owe them and they’re entitled to know what I’m doing. Its absolutely suffocating and it’s a particular ‘only child of a dysfunctional family’ thing.

I think you would benefit from some physical and emotional distance from them - I’ve benefitted hugely from distance from mine.

I understand OP. I had children very late, and I do think our relationship (mine and DMs) had really begun to improve by then. I still found her irritating (and I went on doing so for a while after) but I think she had really got on top of her issues (yes, another alcoholic with depression since my childhood - nods to browntablemat) - and she had retired quite young, and was actually really enjoying life, I think she was happier than she'd ever been. Perhaps it was just all round she had more to give, and stopped needing to take. Not sure. But there are some much wiser posters than me on this thread.

@janeseymour78 I understand, and fwiw I'd be cautious about therapy because I tried in my early 20's and it almost broke me. I didn't need to relive any of the shit I went through.

Possibly not entirely surprisingly both parents are fabulous grandparents, so you might not have to worry on that score. It makes me laugh how different things are, but they are so much better themselves now than during my childhood. I try an basically see them as different people, because in so many ways none of us are who we were 30 years ago. That way I can cope..but I do have to ignore the intrusive questioning.

Op I’d ask to get this thread moved over to relationships board. More people over there get what it’s like to have grown up with parents that were not putting your needs first. Also I’d recommend the book ‘children of emotionally immature parents’.

So - I still found her irritating, but no longer wanted to run out of the room!

@ferntwist well I think because of how I feel about my parents I really value my close friendships. My closest friends are people I've known for 10-20 years and the relationships are good. We don't talk all the time though.

In romantic relationships, I would usually talk to a partner every day especially when living together. So this feeling isn't really relevant to other relationships.

I agree with @BrownTableMat too- I was going to ask if she has recovered, and is trying to make amends ( albeit without apologising)

What happened when you were in a rough place? Did you move back home? I’m wondering if you opened up a bit and if they saw this as an ‘in’.

I also think their behaviour/ your reaction is the tip of the iceberg. You probably won’t be able to deal with them until you come to grips with your own trauma.
Good luck OP

Something that has helped my relationship with my parents as I have got older is understanding that while they haven't always been the parents I have wanted and needed them to be, they have been the best parents they have been able to be.

Both of my parents grew up in abusive and neglectful households. They have carried that with them their whole lives and have never really come to terms with it - because therapy is not something they're interested in. This has had a massive impact on who they are and how they parent. They're flawed human beings (as are we all!), and so they're flawed parents. But they love me in a way I know I will never be loved by anyone else and as I watch them age and am constantly reminded that they won't be here forever, that is really all that matters.

Maybe stepping back and getting some perspective on seeing your parents not as your parents but as people who are just trying their best at a role no one gets any training in will help. The way they show their love for you might not be the way you want them to show it, but it's the only way they know how.

Rather than responding with fury and frustration, set boundaries in place. You're not helpless in this scenario - but at the moment you're telling yourself that you are. Stop being passive. Your parents can't 'make' you feel anything. You're choosing to feel the way you do. Getting a few texts from your parents every day isn't - objectively - intrusive. You're perceiving it as such due to the anger you feel about your childhood. As previous posters have said, having some therapy to work through those feelings, process them, and then be able to move on from them, could really help your relationship with your parents, as it'll give you the perspective you need to be able to build a healthier mindset towards them.

Stop telling them what you are doing.
Stop replying to messages.
Don't answer the door.

The solution is within your control....

What you've detailed is all done by text. How would moving stop that?

You could live pretty much anywhere and they can still text you

Well - easy to spot the enmeshed and entitled parents on this thread! Sympathy to their children.

You are not awful O.P
It sounds like sometimes the amount of messaging is a bit intense and overwhelming. I get what you are saying.
That's it sorry not helpful! But I hear ya!

Ah OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. You are not an awful daughter/person at all. Some family dynamics are difficult, and the people giving you a hard time on here are just fortunate to have better relationships with their parents.

I have a similar background to you...alcoholic parent, I lived abroad for many years before moving back to the same town as them, I'm not an only child, but my sister lives overseas... And I found the relationship with my DPs very difficult to manage when I moved back.

I have a theory: I left home at 18, worked overseas, and when I came back 20 years later my parents just picked up the relationship as it had been when I left home at 18. They were still treating me like their 18 year old child...over involved, over opinionated about my life, etc. etc.... I could honestly write a novel about this.

I fully get where you're coming from. You've got to work hard to establish some boundaries. Took me years. Still stressful, but better.

Life is tough when your DPs are the main stressors in your life...you're still so young, move away if you have to, don't let them diminish your enjoyment of life. Good luck.

You are not selfish. But somehow you need to balance them into your life as they don't sound abusive or dreadful.
I do not think you should move just because of them.
Can you limit contact to once a day telephone? Or build a routine, where you only see them once a week?
I know this sounds off... but if you really don't want them knowing what you're up to can you just lie? i.e if you have friends coming - just don't tell them. Say you're doing something alone.
If they accuse you of privacy, just tell them that's the way you are.
I also am very private. I even don't like friends knowing what I've been doing... even though it's routine stuff like swimming, gym, nothing too out there.
I never understood why people want to keep constant tabs on each other.

Have you tried ignoring the texts and just sending one answer each day telling as little as possible.
Dad dropping by unannounced isn't on. If he has a key change the locks. Don't tell the when you are working from home. If they look to see your car, park one street over if you can so they think you aren't there.
You need to take back a bit of control over your life if it feels like the walls are closing in, I'd try other things before moving away again.

Some really flippant and judgemental responses on this thread.

The point is the OP is not happy with the amount of interference from her parents. She sees their behaviour as smothering and unwanted and it is affecting her negatively.

The fact that you are related to people does not mean you get on with them or that you want them in your life all the time. So the OP is perfectly entitled to feel that she wants to be more independent and not have her parents so involved in every aspects of her life.

Reading between the lines it does not sound like there are some issues in this family.

I am an only child too and I moved away from my parents to a different country when I was fairly young after they ''care'' led me to have a breakdown when I was 19. They had no respect for boundaries and considered me to be their property/an extension on themselves, not an individual who should be able to make their own choice. They were mentally and physically abusive and I had a really miserable childhood and teenage years where I spent most of my time alone in my bedroom. I only really went out with them and was never allowed to take part in any fun or educational activities as a kid where I could meet other people/kids and start learning to become more self-confident.

When they saw that I might be able to get away from them by going to university the manipulation and control went into overdrive with my mother intercepting and destroying my university acceptances letters or doing things like pretending to faint and have hysterics simply because I wanted to choose the subject I wanted to study and where to study it. The point is some parents are simple not able to have a healthy relationship with their kids.

I have no contact with any of my relatives and I don't miss them at all because their behaviour meant we never developed a healthy bond. I don't love my parents. Never have and never will. Like you I always saw their questions and calls as unwanted because I did not trust them or their motives.

My relatives are probably thinking I am an ungrateful monster and that my parents were (to the outside world) such nice people. But none of my relatives lifted a finger when I was being abused and neglected although there were clear signs that things were not right with me.

So OP, if you feel something is just not right in the relationship you have with your parents, don't just accept the platitudes that some people are giving you like ''you will miss them when they are gone''.

Speak to someone like a counsellor who is neutral and will not go on about how you should just just be a grateful daughter and who will help you understand and make sense of what is going on and help you work out what level of contact you want with your family.

I don't understand why you're getting a hard time here. Probably just the hive mind following the first brainless posts.

If you feel stifled, you feel stifled. But your backstory explains a lot, and still people are hounding you to not feel as you do.

I agree that therapy would be very helpful. Ideally, it would validate your feelings, unpick the history, and offer insights and strategies for handling this situation - and support you in setting healthier boundaries, so that you are not feeling like this so much, and/or support you in getting the hell back out of the country!

Narcissistic mothers are particularly wounding for their daughters, and whether or not she is an actual narcissist, being an active alcoholic is very much in that vain - this is acknowledged in the literature around addiction.

Op my mum was the same and i cannot forgive her. She was emotionally absent and then as i grew older, needy and controlling to make me stay near her. As a middle aged adult the best thing for me has been to move a long car journey away.

brown nailed it with her eloquently written explanation - I understand entirely that you almost feel you have been born and exist purely to ‘service’ their needs rather than lead your own life. Moving back on some level has been seen by both you and them as you returning to the fold, and back to servicing? It sounds like you are being triggered each time - because you want independence and autonomy not a claustrophobic relationship weighed down by heavy responsibility and expectation.

My mother is dependent and cloying too, she had depression not alcoholism - but unless you experience persistent negligence as a child both emotionally and physically (it’s impossible to feel safe as a child with a parent that is very drunk) then its difficult to explain to others how fake and stifling it is as a grown adult trying to be yourself and look after your own needs, and not constantly looking after their needs.

You can’t make them have a full independent life, hobbies and their own exciting plans for the future, they simply don’t want that. They want to continue the enmeshed co dependent relationship as before. In my case my mother refused to live her life, and stubbornly sits and waits for others to provide everything for her. She won’t take any kind of initiative at all, or responsibility for herself preferring to make everyone else around her provide the care, nurturing, entertainment, house work, bills and attention. It’s a huge burden. She tells me over again I am ‘everything’ to her but takes no real interest at all and is emotionally vacant. Everyone was put on the earth to serve her is how she sees it, asher learned helplessness has ballooned the older she has become.

You are not wrong to question your proximity. I too lived overseas for years. It was liberating. I wonder why you moved back so close to them ?

I would move further away. Reclaim your life. Talk to a therapist about all of of this so you understand why you feel like you do. 💐

Might you consider working abroad again? Keep the flat, have a lodger, be free again!

What a hugely depressing thread. The OP's poor parents are simply taking an interest in their ONLY child's life, and she is regarding them as a bloody nuisance 'intruding' in her life. Yes yes yes I KNOW some parents are toxic, but not all are, and the OP's parents certainly don't sound like this. They just sound like they want to be be involved in their ONLY child's life. Fuxake! WTF is wrong with THAT?

I would be mortified if I thought my DC felt like this about me, and my dear parents would be equally mortified if I felt like this about them. You can never get your parents back @janeseymour78 and you'll be bloody sorry when they're gone, that you treated them this way. And just pray that any children YOU have don't treat YOU as a burden and a nuisance simply for wanting to be a part of their life.

They're your PARENTS FGS, not some annoying neighbours or ex work colleagues. WTF? I can't get my head round some of the comments on here, and think you are being hugely unreasonable. Your poor parents. I hope they don't read this thread.

And #sorrynotsorry for saying 'you will miss them when they're gone!' You WILL, and you can never turn back the clock. Have a bit more thought and respect and consideration for the people who brought you into this world, looked after you, cared for you, sacrificed things for you, and raised you @janeseymour78

Frankly, I think you need to grow up. You sound more like 15-16, not 29. The attitude you are displaying on this thread sounds like that of a young teenager saying 'OMG mum, dad, it's so unfairrrrr. You're ruining my LIFE!' You certainly don't sound like a woman who is 30 on her next birthday.

Sigh, I wish posters would read all the OP's posts. @WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps OP's mum was an alcoholic.

@janeseymour78 I recommend you have a look at the Out Of The Fog website and forum. Even if your parents don't have a full blown personality disorder (or any disorder at all) there are lots of tools there that could help you manage your relationship with them.

It is socially unacceptable to admit that we can't cope with or don't like our parents - mothers in particular. You can see that from the number of outraged posts on here. And those of us who have had to cope with a very dysfunctional upbringing tend to minimise as much as possible and find it very hard to acknowledge or cope with what may very possibly be real and huge problems.

You don't give enough information for anyone to come to a conclusion either way as to the reasonableness of your anxiety, but the fact remains that you are anxious about the relationship and that has come from somewhere. I don't believe anyone would come on here and post as you have without some valid underlying reason. Even if you are being totally unreasonable to feel the way you do, you need to address it somehow.

It took me until my mid 40s even to begin to understand the extent of the dysfunction I grew up with and I am still grappling with it today, a decade on. I remain in contact with my parents but the relationship has got easier to manage once I actually understood what I was dealing with. I am doing some therapy at the moment and it is helping me, even though I had already helped myself a lot by doing my research. I am learning more strategies to manage my situation.

Good luck to you.

You just need to delay your responses to their texts. They will adapt.