To think I might need to consider moving to get away from my parents?

[janeseymour78]

I'll start by saying I have owned a flat where I live for 2 years so it isn't straight forward.

My issue is that I'm an only child and my parents still focus on me too much although I'm 29. They text me most days although I did start going grey rock so my mum texts a bit less.

But for example she knew a friend was visiting & we were going to an event. She contacts me to ask if the friend arrived 'safely' - she lives in this country ffs. Then she asks if we went to the event, how was it. I find it intrusive and I'm busy with my friend. My dad also bombards me with endless messages. I'm sick of both of them and actually began to cry earlier after yet another message. I almost knew I was over reacting but felt so stressed about it.

I lived abroad for years and they didn't know my life in detail so they didn't behave like this. I seriously question if I made a mistake moving back close to them and wonder how to get out of this. When I think of living like this for the next 20 years I can hardly bear it tbh

I may well be projecting my own stuff here but it sounds like there’s some very complicated dynamics with your mother, in particular. If she wasn’t able to give you the nurturing you needed as a child because of her alcoholism, you might well have felt ‘parentified’ and responsible for looking after her needs at an inappropriately young age, while nobody looked after yours.

As a result you might well have grown up very self sufficient (living abroad for years seems to be one piece of evidence of this) and able to look after yourself, but you deeply resent, perhaps at a level you can’t really explain or even access, having to continue ‘looking after’ your mother when she never looked after you emotionally. And the fact that you feel you have to act the ideal daughter and pretend you have a lovely relationship, when it’s all one-way and about meeting her needs not yours, is distressing you. And you get anxious about the consequences if you don’t continue playing the game, because at some point when you were very young it was made very clear to you that you would be punished or abandoned if you ever insisted on your own needs being heard.

And it’s all the more painful because somewhere inside you is a small child who really needs to be mothered and nurtured and cared for, and one of the things you most want in life is an actual caring mother-daughter relationship, but instead you feel trapped in this false simulacrum of one and it drives you crazy. Oh, and if you ever try to talk to her about it she gets upset and makes it all about her and you end up comforting her again and being responsible for her feelings yet again so it’s best just to keep up the charade but the longer you do the more you internalise the message that your needs don’t matter and you feel invisible, and the more you resent and feel distressed at this.

As I said, the above TLDR is probably just me projecting my own stuff. But clearly this isn’t about a few text chats, no matter how frequent; there must be an underlying dynamic that explains why you feel so stifled by them.

I feel exactly the same as you when I get a text or a call from my mum. She's desperate for a close relationship with me but the truth is she ruined her chances when she allowed my childhood to be trashed. I've had difficulties my whole life thanks to the trauma I experienced so no I don't think I'll pick up the phone and have a breezy chat with you on a Sunday afternoon thanks mum!

@BrownTableMat perfect summary!

Mine helped me figure out my feelings about it all, what my expectations were. Tbh I had quite a bit of anger to work through as I felt I was not allowed to grow up. They helped me figure out how to have a relationship with my parents that stopped me getting hooked into all the emotions surrounding the relationship.
I ended going no contact for a while, we now have a good relationship where we respect each other’s boundaries.

I had a similar mum and I was an only child too. You might find more understanding on the Relationships board. My relationship with her was so much better when I lived 79 miles away in a big city.

@birdsinthegarden to be honest when my Mother died I was bereft. Learning to live without the emotional interdependency was hard. Really hard. But underneath it was an unusual feeling I’d never had before. A feeling of being free. I now had permission to feel how I feel and that that’s okay. It was a revelation. It’s sad that many years on I still feel angry that she couldn’t have been more, I don’t know, grown up and actually own her emotional clinginess.

@janeseymour78 is your mother a sulker / silent treatment type? My mother would always somehow make everything about her. I remember being distraught at being bullied at about 14 years old. She was so upset that in the end I had to backtrack and pretend i didn’t really mean it.

Quite frankly op fuck what most of the PPS have said, they don't get it because they don't understand the relationship. My mum was neglectful when I was a child and my dad had the emotional intelligence and accessibility of a rock. I got out asap. I lived abroad for a decade, they barely communicated. Now I'm back the constant intrusive questions drive me insane.

2 things I did that helped: 1, wait to reply then don't respond to the question, 2, had a child so I'm not the focus anymore. Ok 2 will take some effort but it's the only reason I can have a semi functional relationship with them. They haven't really changed though, doubt the ever will.

Just because you're their offspring you don't have to be their friend! But equally if you do want to, it has to be on mutual terms and not how they dictate. I think for people who didn't have great childhoods it's part of developing an acceptable adult relationship with parents.

My previous post was about how my therapist helped me work through thing.

I feel for you, in spite of being on the other end of the situation.

I have an only DD who is a bit younger than you. I feel my husband calls and face times her excessively, often during workings hours. Because I know she has a busy life WFH, a boyfriend and pets, I find myself holding back from calling and texting her as much as I would like.

She has admitted her father does call her rather a lot but says she is comfortable telling him when she can’t talk.

So perhaps you need to get more comfortable not answering calls or answering texts in your own time and with short answers.

Perhaps as an exercise count up the number of texts etc and time it takes up to answer them, to see if it’s a silly number. Then you can either say to them, “look I’ve had over 100 texts from you two in one week”, or decide that if it’s taken say one hour to deal with them, that an hour a week is an ok amount to give your parents.

If your father is turning up on your doorstep, then you might have to be very blunt and offer him a coffee and ignore him while you work.

we also have set up a three way chat on what’s app would this help you. One text can go to both of them at the same time.

I can understand that after living away it can seem intrusive and you feel you need to be the dutiful daughter.

Tell her she can only message or phone you and Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I would suggest family therapy. The correct therapist will consider you as individuals, and then help the three of you work towards a relationship that is beneficial for each of you.
This way you will not only help yourself, but your parents will also be more self aware and ultimately in a better position mentally.

I think a lot of people are being a bit harsh OP - but then you did post in AIBU -you might have done better in relationships.

Anyway fwiw I think I get you, its the feeling that your dps are feeding off your life. My DM used to be a bit like trthis and I very much kept her at a distance as a young adult. I kind of felt she was trying to suck something out of me - can't put it into words but I did find it sort of creepy. I can't remember exactly when it changed, but it may have been helped by her getting to a better place in her own life. Things only really reversed when I had kids though. Suddenly I needed her more than she needed me, and the whole dynamic changed.

Now my dcs are adults I do try to remember not to pry. I have never forgotten that feeling! Hopefully it makes me a better parent, ( rather than one who appears uninterested!).

@BrownTableMat ouch, that's painfully accurate, well said.

@BrownTableMat I breathed such a huge sigh of relief reading that. I could've written it except you had more insight than me into how I'm actually feeling!

I think you're right, she was emotionally absent but now that she's a recovered addict she wants loads of my time and energy which I don't feel I want to give. Because I still resent what came before. I think I resent that she has never apologised.

@BrownTableMat brilliantly said. My mum wasn’t an alcoholic, hers was untreated depression and anxiety. But everything else is so familiar.

she refused to see a counsellor together or separately. Said it was pointless as they don’t give you the answers they just give you lots of options but she wanted someone to just tell her what to do about any problems.

I sympathise op. My mum bullied me throughout my childhood but then wanted me as a friend to keep her company after I left home. It doesn't work like that unfortunately for her. I limit contact and see her on my terms. I don't enjoy her company and that comes from how she treated me as a kid. They are free to make friends and do hobbies if they are bored.

@ValerieDoonican I think another reason the question in the OP has been on my mind ias because I'm now starting to think about having children.

If I live locally my mother would want to be even more involved and then I'd really be stuck with her for the sake of grandchildren. I think about how having children would create an even closer tie and find I feel worried by it.

Op I think it's the other way around, being abroad has provided you with more space then normal.

She sounds perfect normal!!

Infact restrained!

I feel sorry for her.

I know categorically my mother would not agree to family therapy, she would be 100% shocked and confused why it was even needed. Totally convinced she's done an astounding job and basically all my achievements are because of her not despite! Glossing over the years on anxiety and depression of course as they don't fit the narrative. Maybe the stately homes thread is worth a read @janeseymour78 at least you will feel less alone.

I have a weird combination of reactions to this. Parents who didn’t give a shit about me to me chatting to my kids who are all still at home and them fucking being sick of me talking to them or trying to be part of their lives

jeez maybe the toddler years weren’t so bad 😵‍💫

Hi OP, I haven’t read the full thread but I definitely get what you mean. I’m also an only child and often can feel similar. It’s a lot of pressure. I’m guessing the text examples you gave are just the cherry on top rather than it being the text alone that’s triggering for how you feel.

My mum used to say things like I live for you, you’re my life etc, it’s the sense that their life is pinned on your life and that’s where their value comes from. I noticed it worsened when my mum retired and like you said I became more of a filler.

If I try to have any boundaries she says things like I’m your mum I don’t understand why you’re being like this, I should know everything about you e.g if I’m staying there and in the shower she’ll just come into the bathroom and start pottering about and brushing her teeth and when I’ve asked not to it becomes you’re ungrateful after everything I’ve done etc.

I think do what you need to in order to reduce the stress. Life’s too short.

Be thankful your parents are around. I dislike posts like this. Many ppl would do anything to have their parents around.

Stop moaning and cherish them. You will miss them when they aren't here.

I mean when they are adults with their own lives and dad and I have a FaceTime with them and they are seething inside 😬

Totally agree. First World problems eh.

I will consider reading the stately homes thread. I think the way I cope @DogDaysNeverEnd is by not thinking about it. I see it as part of my childhood was taken so why should I spend precious time thinking about it now in adulthood. I've got a good career and a good home, I've done well despite the odds.

My mum often says she is proud of me and 'i must have done something right.' most of the time I give myself the credit on that score.

Op I think you should have mentioned your childhood issues in the opening post as you're going to get loads of people berating you. My dh died but I still sympathise with people who have problem husbands