To think I might need to consider moving to get away from my parents?

[janeseymour78]

I'll start by saying I have owned a flat where I live for 2 years so it isn't straight forward.

My issue is that I'm an only child and my parents still focus on me too much although I'm 29. They text me most days although I did start going grey rock so my mum texts a bit less.

But for example she knew a friend was visiting & we were going to an event. She contacts me to ask if the friend arrived 'safely' - she lives in this country ffs. Then she asks if we went to the event, how was it. I find it intrusive and I'm busy with my friend. My dad also bombards me with endless messages. I'm sick of both of them and actually began to cry earlier after yet another message. I almost knew I was over reacting but felt so stressed about it.

I lived abroad for years and they didn't know my life in detail so they didn't behave like this. I seriously question if I made a mistake moving back close to them and wonder how to get out of this. When I think of living like this for the next 20 years I can hardly bear it tbh

I understand where you’re coming from. One of my relatives moved really close to me and then retired. Suddenly they became really dependent on me, coming round all the time and messaging much more than they had previously. I found it really claustrophobic and it took me quite a while to adjust. I’m not sure if this helps but I don’t think YABU.

I'm not sure why I'm struggling so much just now @roarfeckingroarr - maybe I have just done a good job of keeping a lid on it.

I'm my mother's only child so I know I need to carry on with the relationship and wouldn't want to cut her off - but the truth is she craves a closer relationship than I want and I feel trapped.

I'm an only child. I talk to my father every day a few times. He loves me, he supports me, he invested his best years into bringing me up... why wouldn't I?

I get your issue with the intrusion into your daily life. But I’d just tell her very little about the real things that matter to you. However I do get told far too much info re my ds’s life!

There must be more to this OP. Are they retired and with few hobbies/friends etc so you’ve really become their whole life?

Only you know if it’s a bit smothering or something more malicious. I’m happy to receive and send several messages a day to/from my parents, DH family do the same too but no one demands anything of anyone or panics/chases or goes in a huff if we’re busy even for a few days to reply.

Another thing that is occasionally happening @Causewithoutarebel is my dad has started dropping by unannounced on his days off. While I'm working from home.

Both of them are under 60 so it really has me worrying what my life will look like in 10 or 20 years. It's on my mind a lot.

Set boundaries. Mine can be rather like this although thankfully I live 2 hours away and don't see her often! She tends to want details so she can pretend to her friends she's a fabulous granny and really involved in her kids' lives, even though she isn't. I don't respond to any texts sent during my work hours - you can often adjust settings on your mobile so only certain numbers get through? I don't respond to any msgs immediately.

Good luck! It is easier if you're at a distance though .

I think you could handle this better. You don't need to reply so frequently; they may ask questions but you can control the rate of response and the amount of information. I think it's grown in your head out of proportion to their 'invasiveness' so now you feel anxious about it.

Stop replying so frequently, enjoy chatting when you do see them and ignore emotional blackmail about 'you are too private'.

Try reversing the conversation, ask them probing questions instead. Push your Mum to have her own life.

Pressed send too early.

I understand it can feel smothering.

You don't have children yourself do you?

I do, he's only little, and I will do my utmost to never be an emotional burden when he grows up. But I would also be heartbroken if he didnt share his news and want to involve me in his life. I know that I have to earn this by being a good mother.

@DowntonCrabby my mum has always had little hobbies and I've almost always been her whole life. Living abroad freed me from that. I don't think she will change.

My dad has hobbies but I think also feels lonely and asks me to do things with him a lot. I am a young woman with her own friends, I'm dating and I want to just live my life more freely like I did before.

Yes @PragmaticWench I think you're right. I feel very anxious about it at the moment. Worrying about it even affects my sleep sometimes.

I've been encouraging her to have more hobbies since I was 17. She isn't as bad as she was then but she also doesn't seem to mind burdening me with being most of her life. I know how I will sound to some posters but I can't help how I feel.

I mean, I think it's a bit unusual you feel like this... I think you might have to consider that it's not necessarily their fault. Their level of contact with you seems pretty normal, you seems unusually distressed by it.

You obviously need to find a level of contact you are comfortable with but I think you should approach it from the position that YOU are the unusual one, not them. This may mean you are kinder in how you do it.

Trust me, when one day they're gone, you'll miss it.

Cheers @RockinHorseShit. They don't know I feel this way, I keep it to myself. I know it isn't normal which makes me feel worse.

What a nasty comment. I do feel quite depressed about this situation so what you're saying is unnecessarily unkind.

Op I think you may get a lot out of talking this over with a therapist. I hear what you’re saying, sounds like you feel your boundaries are being crossed and you feel responsible for keeping your parents ok.
It can feel so suffocating and like you have no personal space to be you.
If you haven’t had the experience of a parent doing this it can be particularly difficult to understand, which is why I think you’re getting a hard time on here.

How often would you like them to text op? Once a week? Once a month? Never?

There is a backstory. OP's mum was a functioning alcoholic when she was a child. I think this should have been mentioned in the initial post!

Its not them, its you!

OP, with issues like this relating to difficult family you have to be aware that lots of people- those with normal, nice families- just don't get it. It's like living in a whole different world I think. I completely understand where you're coming from and YANBU. Please don't take it to heart that people are calling you names and saying you're bonkers or not nice. There are others on here who do understand what it's like.

@JanisMoplin I've thought about therapy recently. But then I think - what can a therapist do about it? They can't change my parents or change my situation.

I have a good job, nice place to live and good friends. But I have started to think the only way to have a more distant relationship would be to move further away again. It sounds drastic but I feel cornered at the moment.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. This constant contact used to irritate me but lately I feel like the walls are closing in and they'll never open back up again.

I suppose the question is what can a therapist do for me?

OP, I get you and your post resonated. The replies you’ve got are probably from people who don’t have similarly strained relationships with their parents or significant baggage from childhood. They wouldn’t get it.
I feel similar to you. My mother won’t even text me about such detailed things, but she’ll often ask everyday (when she’s in town which she often isn’t) what my plans are and if I’ll come over with the kids. I do feel it’s intrusive as I shouldn’t need to tell my mother what I’m up to everyday. I’ve felt anger when I see again a message from her asking about it. I’ve felt trapped. I too have lived abroad and there I felt a sense of freedom from all this. It is sad as someone put it. Indeed.
As can be expected there is a background story. You say your mother has been alcoholic. For me it was abusive relationship between my parents that I had to grow up with. Trapped is the perfect word for this. I feel trapped in the unhealthy family dynamic my parents have created. That’s probably where the negative feelings come from - despite the fact that the time we now spend together is usually okeyish and I do want my kids to have a chance to build a relationship with grandparents etc.

Anyways wanted to comment so you know there’s at least someone who gets where you’re coming from and feels something similar.

I grew up just with my mother. I have an older sibling, but they are much older so left home when I was very young. My mother was very controlling (my old counsellor was gobsmacked by what I told her) when I was a teen and even into my twenties. I was never allowed time to myself, if I dared to spend more than 5 mins in my room she'd be shouting on me to come downstairs and keep her company.

I moved miles away and she would be trying to constantly contact me so I know how you feel. She'd try and guilt me by moaning that her wee men on MS. messenger were sad they'd not heard from me for a few days, despite me having spoken to her most days and emailed. Thankfully she never got into texting!

My counsellor pointed out I could be in control. I could choose how often I spoke to her and answer when I wanted to, not just because she rang. Same with emails. I could also choose what I told her and not tell her everything for her to beat me with later.

I recommend you do the same, and also see a counsellor. It will help.

Thank you @Selinna - yes neither parent was normal nor was my situation.

I know I'm lucky to have parents that love me and take an interest but their decisions growing up cost me my mental health as a child. I've come so far in adulthood to become quite a strong and positive person so I hate feeling this way.