Grannys Funny Comments

[girlfriend44]

My granny (deceased now) used to hate women dressing in black and women who wore trousers?

What funny/strange comments did your granny used to make or still make?

To never have children. My
poor dad 🤣

My dear Nan could never quite name certain things correctly. My favourite was calling KFC KGB - southern fried spy chicken on the menu. Granada television was always Grenada. She said don’t trust men with thin lips.

“Our xxx is a lesbian you know that’s why she has a motorbike”!!
This was accompanied by a knowing wink.

After my granny (decades deceased) had seen a female doctor, her only commentary on the appointments would be that the doctor "was perfectly pleasant" and nothing on the content, but she made it clear that she was really waiting for her next appointment hopefully with a man doctor. I am a female doctor.

Once wore blue nail polish to my beloved Grans house. She told me it made me look like a corpse.

My little cockney sparrow nana had some good lines,

If very irritated by someone they would be told to 'go and sugar yer doodle'

When she had had enough of us kids we would be given what was known as 'bugger off' money. ( a sixpence for sweets)

Advice on love and marriage 'be careful, you can bend over once too often to pick up shit'

she would give me a glass of Dubonnet and make me hide it behind the sofa in case grandad came in.

She would never say the word 'pregnant', this would always be spelt out because it meant someone had been 'doing it, also, she would say about a fat belly 'if its soft its fat, if its hard its that'

the price on the sole of your shoe thing stems back to (probably an urban legend) that prostitutes used to write their 'fee' on the soles of their shoes so there was no need for the discussion about price

@iklboo, I watched an episode of the tv show Peaky Blinders last week - set in the 1920s - when this is exactly what a prostitute did to signal to an officer in the room what her job was.

I guess because a gentleman "never wears brown in town" nor a suit in the country, @MyView2. I guess it's class thing, whether you know the unwritten rules. A man in a brown suit isn't a "gentleman".

When it was my 21st birthday my family came to my uni house before we went out and we were doing vodka jelly shots. My Grandma decided she wanted one and i said to her 'i thought you weren't allowed alcohol ?' because of the medication she was on and she replied 'the doctor told me i could only have vodka Jelly'.
When i had my eldest daughter she was the first great grandchild and she told me she had always wanted to be a great Grandma and also that she was the most beautiful baby she'd ever seen which was slightly insulting to me and my cousins .

@Helendee. She sounds absolutely amazing. Lucky you to have had such a fab Granny

"I don't know why he is driving so fast - he won't get there any quicker"

Mine taught me, my db & assorted cousins to play Mah Jong. Fabulous, & we've mostly passed it down to the next generation...BUT...

She was an absolute bugger for suggesting playing for a penny a point when babysitting, usually after lavishly pouring any dgc in sight a generous measure of whisky & neat orange squash.

The thing is, mah jong scoring is based on doubling. So one bad hand, & a penny a point is roughly the price of a secondhand car 😆. Grandma would flatten us with her extra half century of krazy mah jong skillz, & then accept our IOUs in case we ever became millionaires & she ever fell on hard times.

To be fair, as far as I know none of our generation took to gambling as adults. We were all too scared because at least theoretically, we were in hock to grandma already for thousands!

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross of course

It just seemed a bit of a stretch to make the assumption that just because someone couldn't work out what two women would do in bed together had never had an orgasm.

So many of these resonate.

My mum was quite irrational and rather judgmental:

it’s unlucky to wear green (I used to wear lime green to annoy her, we have an old photo of her in a pretty green dress)
Never trust a man with blue eyes 👀
Beware of women with thin lips 👄
Beware of people with their eyes too close together or too far apart 👁

If you see a load of hay, don’t look back until you’ve seen a dog 🐕

She was adamantly anti-feminist, I am a bad mother because I work and don’t consider DP to be my lord and master. If my sister or I proffered any suggestions or advice, she wouldn’t take it. If a man offered the same suggestion or advice, she’d act on it.

Firmly believed that people on buses / trains would be amazed if they realised how old she was (it was obvious she was pretty old).

If a trial was being reported in the news my gran would look at the photo of the accused and make her judgement. If he was unlucky it'd be "Look at his face! You can just tell from the look of him that he's guilty!"

Never mind witnesses and weighing up the evidence - no, she knew he was guilty simply by looking at him.

Fortunately she was never called for jury service.

My great gran always thought I was my brother when I wore trousers as girls didn’t wear trousers… even when f they were pink! She also had a dread of Robins and wouldn’t have Christmas cards with them in the house

I wonder if that was linked to its being lucky to see/get a kiss from a sweep?

Not mine but my children's - i.e. MIL, who is 95, and her DH who would be 106 if still with us....

MIL - calls kitkats, kit-e-kats (yuk....), rhododendrons, 'roseydandrons', and a million other similar errors. Always hilarious. But Grandad had a rhyme - something along these lines:

A whistling woman and a crowing hen
Are no use to God nor men

I first heard it when I was round their house and was whistling a tune. I had no idea that whistling was ever considered improper.....! (Can't say it's ever stopped me though....).

If you play with your belly button your bum will fall off

She is no better than she should be! ..... Took me years to work out what she meant with that one!

Women shouldnt wear black, we see enough of it at funerals. Strangely, she didnt seem to be at all bothered by her goth/metal GD..me.. who wore (and still wears) black 90 of the time!

woman shouldn’t wear trousers, god forbid jeans. Bare legs were a no no. Very common. Peep toe shoes were a sign of a loose woman. Hair and make done at all times.
No black to be worn or red. Mourning wear and fast wear. Petticoats to be worn at all times.

Up early to cook a breakfast for your husband.
No mince as a dinner as that was a poor man’s meal

Don’t appear to be clever especially in company of men.
microwaves cook your kidneys.
No yellow paint / wallpaper in the house as it caused jaundice.

Granny loved Jackie Collins books but were placed in the dustbin every night in case she died before morning and people would find out what she was reading.
This was in the nineties.

Asking my friend with acne is she had chicken pox or grabbing another friends arm and saying I like a well fed lass 😂😂😂😂
I used to take her shopping as a late teen and she would ask the shelf stacking teens if they were single to set me up!! That was so embarrassing 🙈

My wonderful mum died earlier this year! One of the funny things I remember, is when she was in my car. I was using my sat nav to direct me, the sat nav said ‘turn right’ I told the sat nav it was stupid and I needed to turn left ( I had been to my destination before) My mum told me to apologise to the nice lady who was helping us! She really thought it was a real lady giving us directions!

My Nan would always save my pocket money for me. Even when I was in my late 30s with a decent job she’d insist in giving me £10 and say it was my pocket money to spend on something nice.

I remember buying some lovely new jeans and when I came to putting them on to meet up with some friends there was a straight neat crease ironed down each leg (like mens trousers).

She was mortified when I started to iron them out, said it took her ages to iron them in 😆 yeah told her it will take me even longer to iron them out! 😆

My granny had a wonderful turn of phrase & could convey what she meant by not actually saying it as such. You always knew what she was getting at.

She also didn’t understand lesbianism. Said she was fine with gay guys as... You know, they were born that way. They can’t help it. But two women together? Blew her mind.