So my ds has been in a team for just over 2 years. He is not the best on the team, or the worst - if that matters. The coach is very competitive. DS has been miserable going to matches and training for about 6 months. He says (and I've seen and heard it) the boys give out to him all the time, if he makes a mistake they say under their breath FFS, or tell him he's standing in the wrong place, or shout at him. The coach's son was the worst culprit. So gradually DS attendance has fallen off. I offered to speak to the coach but DS said it wouldn't help, would probably make things worse - does speaking to the coach ever work?
Anyway last night was another training session, and ds didnt want to go, so I just said we should just tell them he is leaving - it was hard, cos he loves football, and I have made friends (as I thought) with some of the parents. Anyway, in the end, he made the decision to leave (with my help). So I texted the coach and said I would ring him tmw - it was getting late at this stage so I didn't want to disturb him by ringing.
Almost immediately he texts the group chat saying DS has decided to leave and best wishes to him. He also texts me that he had had a feeling for a while that DS was becoming disinterested.
I slept on it, but it really annoyed me, that yet again, this kind of thing was being swept under the carpet, and the coach was even going so far as to say ds wasnt committed enough - that was what he was hinting at.
So wrote a long text to the coach explaining how unhappy ds had been, that I had witnessed the behaviour of the boys, that I had suggested saying something to him, but ds said no way, that I felt it may not have made any difference in any case, as once it's the norm to pick on someone, it's very difficult to change that narrative. I mean 13 year old boys don't take much heed of what the adults say do they. I've seen it before - when a teacher has tried to 'help' and ended up making things worse.
Well, the coach is very angry - he wrote me a long email about how the club does not condone bullying and that he had seen or heard nothing, and that I was to describe specific incidents to him (which of course I can't, as it's that insidious, snide type of bullying that is very hard to pin down). In a word, he is clueless how to deal with it. He said that the boys were very competitive, as they should be, and challenged each other. I wanted to respond that ds is well able for banter, and is very competitive and is popular at school, with lots of friends. But I didn't. I also posted a similar message in the group chat. (I left the group then).
Only 1 mother has texted me to say how sorry she is - ironically her son is one who was nice to ds on a few occasions.
I'm just disappointed, not surprised, but I was bullied in school over 30 years ago, and honestly the attitudes and ways of dealing with it don't appear to have changed one bit. Don't we need to look at this from a different angle. THe coach was literally blaming ds for not coming forward He said "DS has never mentioned anything to me or the other coachers". Well OF COURSE he hasnt, are you an idiot.
Just wondered about others experiences - is there an answer to bullying, or are we destined to leave it up to the victim to leave, move on, heal themselves, always wondering if there is something "wrong" with them, that they got picked on.
I'm left with a nearly 14 year old who is very down on himself, thinks he is crap at football, and what team would even want him now. I'm so sad - he bloody loves football. Not fair.