to think there is no solution to bullying

[cofingalthetime]

So my ds has been in a team for just over 2 years. He is not the best on the team, or the worst - if that matters. The coach is very competitive. DS has been miserable going to matches and training for about 6 months. He says (and I've seen and heard it) the boys give out to him all the time, if he makes a mistake they say under their breath FFS, or tell him he's standing in the wrong place, or shout at him. The coach's son was the worst culprit. So gradually DS attendance has fallen off. I offered to speak to the coach but DS said it wouldn't help, would probably make things worse - does speaking to the coach ever work?

Anyway last night was another training session, and ds didnt want to go, so I just said we should just tell them he is leaving - it was hard, cos he loves football, and I have made friends (as I thought) with some of the parents. Anyway, in the end, he made the decision to leave (with my help). So I texted the coach and said I would ring him tmw - it was getting late at this stage so I didn't want to disturb him by ringing.

Almost immediately he texts the group chat saying DS has decided to leave and best wishes to him. He also texts me that he had had a feeling for a while that DS was becoming disinterested.

I slept on it, but it really annoyed me, that yet again, this kind of thing was being swept under the carpet, and the coach was even going so far as to say ds wasnt committed enough - that was what he was hinting at.

So wrote a long text to the coach explaining how unhappy ds had been, that I had witnessed the behaviour of the boys, that I had suggested saying something to him, but ds said no way, that I felt it may not have made any difference in any case, as once it's the norm to pick on someone, it's very difficult to change that narrative. I mean 13 year old boys don't take much heed of what the adults say do they. I've seen it before - when a teacher has tried to 'help' and ended up making things worse.

Well, the coach is very angry - he wrote me a long email about how the club does not condone bullying and that he had seen or heard nothing, and that I was to describe specific incidents to him (which of course I can't, as it's that insidious, snide type of bullying that is very hard to pin down). In a word, he is clueless how to deal with it. He said that the boys were very competitive, as they should be, and challenged each other. I wanted to respond that ds is well able for banter, and is very competitive and is popular at school, with lots of friends. But I didn't. I also posted a similar message in the group chat. (I left the group then).

Only 1 mother has texted me to say how sorry she is - ironically her son is one who was nice to ds on a few occasions.

I'm just disappointed, not surprised, but I was bullied in school over 30 years ago, and honestly the attitudes and ways of dealing with it don't appear to have changed one bit. Don't we need to look at this from a different angle. THe coach was literally blaming ds for not coming forward He said "DS has never mentioned anything to me or the other coachers". Well OF COURSE he hasnt, are you an idiot.

Just wondered about others experiences - is there an answer to bullying, or are we destined to leave it up to the victim to leave, move on, heal themselves, always wondering if there is something "wrong" with them, that they got picked on.

I'm left with a nearly 14 year old who is very down on himself, thinks he is crap at football, and what team would even want him now. I'm so sad - he bloody loves football. Not fair.

Most people are all mouth, usually if you clatter one the rest back down

And I didn't imply any criticism of the coach in the group chat - on the contrary, I admitted / stated that ds did not WANT to report it, so yes the coach can legitimately say he did not know. He made assumptions - that ds was "disinterested in being part of the team". If he had even asked DS was he ok, he might have been enlightened as to what was going on.

I stand by my decision to tell the group. Why should it always be hushed up and not spoken about.

I would love to know if your kids have ever had to endure this kind of bullying.

"He did a trial for about 3 months before he was allowed onto the team - and the coach said he didn't know if would allow him on."

This team sounds really competitive - a 3 month trial? Have you scoured the area for a football team that is more for fun?

There are so many threads on Mumsnet about boys and harsh treatment on competitive teams. Our local team streams the kids from abut age 10/11 onto 3 different teams - they all train together and play games against other A/B/C teams from other areas (though they are never referred to as A/B/C) so that teams are fairly matched and every child gets to play games. This business of there being room for 14 kids and only the best are selected to be part of that 14 is really strange to me. If that were the case where I live, my son might not ever get a game. And football is his happy place - as is the case with so many boys!

Ok. Let's examine this.

Imagine for a moment a mother approaches you, with her son, or even the boy on his own (if you has the courage to "snitch" on the coach's own son).

She says her son is being picked on. She tries to give example but it's difficult to pin down as it is all 'low-level' stuff.

You say he is sworn at by other team members when he misses a shot - coach's response "well they are very competitive, its all part of the banter, your son is too sensitive"

You say he is always picked last and groaning sounds are made from the team he ends up with in training sessions - the coach says "well someone has to be the last to be picked, your son is too sensitive, he needs to toughen up"

And so on.

Given the response I've had from the coach, these are the kind of answers he would have given. Also, he would now have his back up, ESPECIALLY if I had dared say his son was the ringleader.

I think my ds was right - reporting it to the coach would have made it worse, and definitely not improved anything. Believe me.

Right - yeah DS was so excited though - it was really built up into this big achievement. He was so proud. But yeah it obviously backfired. I guess I'm naieve. Am looking for another team for him, and he is asking his friends at school too so fingers crossed :)

I AM letting it go lol!!! He has a hobby he loves - football? Why should he have to give it up and let the bullies continue to enjoy their football? @Inkyblue123

THIS

Unfortunately this is what I’ve had to teach my introverted gentle ( non sporty) sons - do it back harder now matter what it is.

A teacher complained to me once when he hit somebody back. Luckily it was in front of my son so I was able to express very clearly that I would never tell off my children for standing up for themselves even if it meant retaliating. Since then they have more confidence in playground issues - he was being bullied by a child in the year below so is very obvious target.

Anyway, OP, to be honest, it feels like you would have been better if you had spoken to the coach about it first. What can he do once you’ve left the club? You need to give people a chance to resolve issues and that’s why it’s not just children that need a zero tolerance policy. If I’d been there when the coach roared at him, I would absolutely have expressed my displeasure although I worked have been very calm about it.

o hope he find a nicer groups soon.

Really? I left the group as I didn't want any drama - and also before the coach removed me! I just wanted to tell them the real reason ds left. Not let the coach get away with smoothing it over as "cofinallthetime's ds has left as is not that into being on the team any more, or giving it the commitment it requires". I thought that was really unfair and basically a LIE.

So yeh, I told them all the real reason. I did NOT criticise the coach, just gave the facts, and said to them maybe to use it as an opportunity to talk to their boys.

And really? Is it that cumbersome to text someone from a group chat? I don't find it that difficult tbh, or time consuming.

Maybe your son can find a better team. My son was rubbish at football and some of his team were really good. (Eg the coaches son). The coach always praised my son and the weaker ones when they did something good, or had had a (relatively) good game. Ds tended to win the 'most improved player prize' at end of season 🤣. It was a competitive league too. He got subbed more than some of the others but that was fair. Not all clubs are the same. If your ds enjoys football I think it's worth trying somewhere else.

Thanks yeah I'm looking around @Greengagesnfennel

Coming from a family of all girls, and all non-sporty, I think I was very naieve about football teams lol! And ds had a lovely team in the last place we lived in. Lol at 'most improved player'!!! DS is never going to be a professional football player, although he would love to be! but the likelihood is none of the other boys will be either. I guess the coach is living out his own dream of being a coach of a major team - bit sad really.

He's passionate about football, and will hopefully land on his feet and flourish with a team that doesn't take itself quite so seriously. Fingers crossed for you OP!

This. Happens in my son's team nut he's friends with them all.
I'd look for another club tbh, are his school friends in football teams?

If you didn’t want drama why do you want them to indulge you on the drama you just created?
I wouldn’t save your number on my phone, not because it’s cumbersome but because I wouldn’t want your number on my phone now that I wasn’t going to see you again.
what you did is the group chat version of a vague Facebook post like “at A&E” and when people ask what’s up you go “PM me hun”