Inlaws think my 3yr old has ASD

[TheGreatBobinsky]

My inlaws keep insisting I get my DD(3) assessed for autism. They will not drop the subject despite me stating my many reasons against it. AIBU to be angry they won't leave it now.

My reasons are:

1. She's only just turned 3 years old. Even if she was showing traits, she wouldn't be assessed this young anyway.
2. She has met almost all of her milestones* and even surpassed many of them - her speech is brilliant, she's mostly potty trained, she knows her numbers up to 10, she has a fantastic imagination and role plays constantly, she can take turns and share, she is showing interest in playing with her peers, she has the emotional intelligence expected of a year old.
3. She hasn't got any of the traits listed on the diagnostic criteria.
4. Even if she did have traits, it's really unfair for them to keep saying it in front of her, especially when they are phrasing it as if there's something wrong with her which is insulting to people who are autistic.

The reasons they have given me for thinking this are:

1. She doesn't like certain members of the family. She refuses to talk much to these people.
2. She is very shy - she was only 6m old when lockdowns began, she's getting alot better with socialising but I don't think its surprising that she is shy.
3. She has a limited diet - she is extremely fussy and this is a concern but this alone doesn't scream ASD to me.
4. She's obsessed with her hands. She's not!
5. She can't jump with two feet off the ground. *this is the one milestone she hasn't reached.
6. She has accidents around one member of the family - who apparently tells her off if she has an accident 🙄

None of my health visitors, GPs, nursery staff (although they've only seen her at show around admittedly) or my own family - including two teachers (one of whom works in a SEN setting) think she shows any traits. I've tried being polite and shutting down this conversation but that's clearly not working.

The way things are said are implying that their is something wrong with her that needs to be fixed - she doesn't need fixing and even if she did have ASD she still wouldn't need fixing! What would you do in this situation?

I’d stop being polite for a start.

‘Thanks, we’ve heard you and considered what you are saying. Right now everyone is really happy with her development so let’s drop the subject?’

Oh man, the family are being so rude going on about it! I am certain everyone thinks my child has ADHD... He doesn't!!!!

Just refuse to entertain the topic again.

She could be assessed now but I sincerely doubt she would. I have a child with asd and she honestly doesn’t sound anything other than more intelligent than they were expecting. Keep her away from the accident shamer.

I have an 11yo with autism. She met all her milestones, was way ahead with speech and there weren't a huge number of signs at 3 (restricted diet, didn't like loud noises, would make eye contact then look away instantly, hand flapping when excited). No behavioural issues or difficulties at school until age 9-10, which is when we started pursuing a diagnosis. It sounds like there are some similarities to your daughter but we didn't really think autism until it seemed life she was having difficulties rather than just being a bit quirky IYSWIM. In your situation I would probably do the same and just wait and see how school goes and how her social skills develop etc. In laws should respect this even if they do turn out to be right.

How unkind- no wonder your DD doesn't want to speak to them!! Do her and yourself a favour and distance yourself as much as possible from such judgemental and nasty people....if my in laws ever dared say anything like this they would be getting a very sharp tongued response! She sounds completely normal and if you have no concerns as her mummy I'm sure she is doing great! X

They may well assess at that age. DS was 2 years 3 months when he got his diagnosis. Assessment began on his 2nd birthday

She’s sounds similar to my son who did end up being diagnosed age 7 after things went massively wrong in year one. She may or may not have asd but I doubt you’d have enough to get a diagnosis anyway right now from what you say so it’s still very much just a case of wait and see.

Are they medical professionals?
I'd feel strongly enough to limit their access to your daughter if this continues. Your daughter doesn't have to be around people whose company she doesn't enjoy or who make her feel uncomfortable. I'd reexamine my relationship with them.

If she does start to show signs of struggling as she gets older then I will absolutely look into an assessment but currently she just seems like any other just turned 3 year old. Although the PP who mentioned loud noises may have a point, she really hates hand dryers and fans and won't be in the room with them, but my nieces were the same at a similar age and grew out of it so again all I could do is wait and see.

AIUI they only assess at 2 if there are a lot of delays and as PPs have said if she is on track on many things, time will tell.

I saw a video recently of "signs of autism before 1" and the main one seemed to be "obsessed with hands". Every bloody baby is obsessed with their hands when they find them! It's if they carry on after 1 that it is important!

They would assess at her age but it doesn't sound like she needs assessing...

I have an autistic 5 year old and there are some things you say that does sound familiar, although nothing that’s a massive red flag.

The one thing to be aware of is that in most of the country right now it would take 2 years to get an nhs assessment. So it’s not enough now to “wait and see if they struggle” - if you think there are any indications then it’s best to get them into the process so that at least she’s on the list.

but in terms of your in-laws - how does your partner feel about all this? Best to get them to speak to their own parents if they will back you up. But I think tbh you will both need to be very blunt that they must drop this and not say anything more about it in front of her.

Even if you could get a referral waiting lists are really long in most areas. Two years isn't unusual.

Just tell them you have taken on board their concerns and if you feel any action needs taken you will be sure to take it.. Cut dead any more mention of it.

I think my 3.5 year old is the exact same he's not obsessed with his hands is the only one he doesn't have. But he's very selective of who he'll speak to and can't be arsed with a load of people- to the point of rudeness. Obviously an area we need to work on. But when he's in the mood/comfortable he'd talk the ear of you. Anyway as you say a diagnosis won't "fix" anything they think isn't right- it'll just provide you with additional information or support so what's the point if you're not worried and don't need support?

They’re being rude. I’m fairly sure a young relative of mine is on the spectrum, I’ve never mentioned it to his parents. He’s not struggling (just the opposite), ok so he’s a bit quirky and stims a lot.

in my 40s I’ve realised I’m probably ASD as is dd. Neither of us diagnosed, though a lot of stuff makes sense now. Like why dd would always sit in the foyer of school discos, etc. why I hum quite a bit when anxious. Even if your dd is asd then as long as you’re accepting of any little things like that and keep an eye on her if she is struggling later on and you feel a diagnosis would benefit her then that’s fine.

Meeting all milestones isn't indicative particularly.

There are a few things on there I would keep an eye on but there are lots of other conditions aside from ASD and my dc ended up being diagnosed with things I'd never considered.

She really isn't obsessed with her hands, she makes shapes with them (like diamond, circles and triangles) and wiggles her fingers but it's not an all day every day thing.

For context my 6 year old dd was like your dd and she is NT.
My 7 year old son was nothing like your dd and does have Autism.
I do think people have lost sight on the wide range of 'normal' now.
If your not worried,nursery and HV are not worried then I would be inclined to tell your inlaws that thank you for your concerns but atm as far as everyone else can see dd is progressing well, but if things change then obviously you will seek help.

Tell them to butt out but say and do mention it to nursery teacher (is she going to school nursery?). Scared of loud hand driers is normal. I would stop contact with family members who tells her off if she has had an accident.

My 18 year old ds has alwAys been really shy and at school barely spoke to adults / teachers even sports coaches he would say bare minimum, also has a very limited diet but whenever i brought this up with GP i was never told could be autism ? Reading some of this makes me concerned
He also used to be fussy about clothing of it didn't feel/ fit right
He has grown out of the shyness a bit , still on shy side but will talk now to people , food still very fussy , clothes not so worried now
He is off to uni in sept but can you even get an assessment on an adult and would there be a point
I have just always thought he was shy and food thing was just how some people are
Tell your inlaws she is your dd , thanks for your concerns but we will do what we think is right

You can diagnose autism as young as two.
Tell your in laws that you are confident your child is neuro typical and everyone has preferences about who they talk to. That THEIR obsession about it is worrying you and perhaps they need to talk to someone about it (like a therapist).

I have a grandson who hated loud noises when he was young. We think he is autistic but he doesn't have a diagnosis. He would be just the same happy, intelligent boy with or without one. I don't see the point in diagnosing unless there are severe needs that medication would reduce.

Whether your in-laws are right or not, it's none of their business. I would tell them you might look into it when your daughter is older, and then change the subject.

Everyone is just so quick to diagnose a child with a disorder these days without acknowledging that every child is different in their own way.... irritating

Being selectively shy is normal at 3, as is fussy eating. It sounds as though your in laws are suffering from anxiety. They should go get that checked out.