Inlaws think my 3yr old has ASD

[TheGreatBobinsky]

My inlaws keep insisting I get my DD(3) assessed for autism. They will not drop the subject despite me stating my many reasons against it. AIBU to be angry they won't leave it now.

My reasons are:

1. She's only just turned 3 years old. Even if she was showing traits, she wouldn't be assessed this young anyway.
2. She has met almost all of her milestones* and even surpassed many of them - her speech is brilliant, she's mostly potty trained, she knows her numbers up to 10, she has a fantastic imagination and role plays constantly, she can take turns and share, she is showing interest in playing with her peers, she has the emotional intelligence expected of a year old.
3. She hasn't got any of the traits listed on the diagnostic criteria.
4. Even if she did have traits, it's really unfair for them to keep saying it in front of her, especially when they are phrasing it as if there's something wrong with her which is insulting to people who are autistic.

The reasons they have given me for thinking this are:

1. She doesn't like certain members of the family. She refuses to talk much to these people.
2. She is very shy - she was only 6m old when lockdowns began, she's getting alot better with socialising but I don't think its surprising that she is shy.
3. She has a limited diet - she is extremely fussy and this is a concern but this alone doesn't scream ASD to me.
4. She's obsessed with her hands. She's not!
5. She can't jump with two feet off the ground. *this is the one milestone she hasn't reached.
6. She has accidents around one member of the family - who apparently tells her off if she has an accident 🙄

None of my health visitors, GPs, nursery staff (although they've only seen her at show around admittedly) or my own family - including two teachers (one of whom works in a SEN setting) think she shows any traits. I've tried being polite and shutting down this conversation but that's clearly not working.

The way things are said are implying that their is something wrong with her that needs to be fixed - she doesn't need fixing and even if she did have ASD she still wouldn't need fixing! What would you do in this situation?

It's when there's a whole cluster of traits and they persist long beyond developmental trends and when you think back, there always has been traits that you'd get any success out of professionals in investigating/ diagnosing. In a child that young they'd been looking at persistant development delays before paying attention.

Whether she is or isn't, you're happy and the professionals are happy too so it's rude for the ILs to keep going on about it and at this stage you'd be unlikely to get far out of a referral anyway.

It's my NT child that loathes loud noise such as hand driers and the electric shower noise. My sensory, autistic child cares more about pitch than volume (I've had an earful about the windows being open and the incessant bird song this morning...)

ASD seems to get misdiagnosed as BPD and anxiety a lot in women. Maybe you have ASD and therefore your DDs traits seem typical to you because of that.

Maybe your child is a good judge of character at a young age, and that’s why she avoids talking to a particular person (is it the same person who makes a big deal about accidents?)

Keep to the back of your mind a possible ASD issue but above all enjoy being with your daughter and helping with her development.

I hate the kind of people who pick up on a perceived issue but hound you about getting diagnosis, treatment and made a huge deal about it, using it as a stick to beat you with. They should stop with mentioning it in front her and criticising “accidents”.

For what it’s worth, my cousin’s son was diagnosed as autistic at 4 (non verbal and pointing to things). His parents tried not to make it an “issue”, while getting him appropriate help. He’s happy and doing as well as he can and everyone is happy for him!

Generally speaking you as the mother are best placed to know your child. I had plenty of "advice" from the in-laws and suggestions that my son was uncoordinated and a slow learner. he has now just qualified as a Doctor.

Sometimes DGPs can get frustrated when a child is shy, does not see a lot of them and therefore (understandably) is not wholly comfortable in their presence. In my case, rather than seeing this as an issue they could address (by spending more time with DGCs, there was clearly a problem with the child!

I would just (politely) rebuff. Annoying though I agree.

Exactly this. The most important thing is that as you say She hasn't got any of the traits listed on the diagnostic criteria. And the GP and HV aren’t seeing any signs.

Sounds like they’ve become obsessed with this. It’s their way of rationalising why she doesn’t like some members of the family - they’ve decided it’s her not them!

The person she has accidents around should be kept well away from your DD. She is scared of them.

why are your inlaws so knowledgeable? <<or think they are>>
they should learn some tact by the sound of things op

• let them know you will ask nursery

I have a young adult daughter and completely agree with this. It often doesn't start becoming an issue until later on.

If it is, it is. Best just to read up about female presentation of autism and be aware. Nothing more.

I’d tell them that if agree to be tested for anxiety, munschuesens by-proxy, and OCD then you will take her to get assessed for autism..

seriously though this must be so frustrating. Even if she got a diagnosis there wouldn’t necessarily be any need or value in it at this stage anyway. What does your partner think about it?

My partner thinks that it couldn't hurt to get her assessed but realises the waiting lists are huge. He actually finds it harder to deal with her than her big sister, because she can be a little clingy and prefers to sit and read books or draw whereas our eldest is more outgoing and happier to play roughly (basically the older one has more of his personality traits whereas the younger one is more like me) and so he's been more convinced by his family. But to be honest, he usually does listen more to his family than he does to me.

They are basically pissed off because she's not leaping up to cuddle all and every member of the family. Which is likely a combination of personality and post-Covid issues. ALL young children are struggling to some extent as a result of the lack of socialisation during Covid.

Your ILs are being rude and ridiculous. And even if their concerns were genuine, unless there's a genuine concern re the child being at risk, it's not on them to hound you about assessment. We have once mentioned to SIL that we think Nephew could benefit from similar assessment that DS has undergone - and even then, it came up in conversation where she was expressing concerns. We have not said anything since - it's up to her, not us.

She’s not too young to be assessed but other than that I think you’re right to be irritated by them. Mine were shy round certain family members too, that’s totally typical for that age!

I'm a professional who assessed children for autism.

Technically she is not too young to be assessed but practically she is, it's very tricky to diagnose girls at the best of times especially when that young and bright. It seems that an assessment or diagnosis would not actually benefit her as she is currently anyway.

So, whether she has autism or not is relatively immaterial at present. I would firmly tell the in-laws that you hear their concerns, you are alert to any possible issue and if anything starts to impair her functioning or well-being at a later date you will revisit the issue, but will not be seeking an assessment now. She is who she is regardless, and that you hope they can accept her for that.

Whether she has it or not they need firmly reminding that she is your daughter, not theirs and you will decide how to deal with any health issues. I’d also tell them, not ask them, to stop being negative about her, in front of her. Advocate for her, be more forceful with them.
By the same token getting assessed can be a long and difficult process so keep that in mind and take steps if you have any doubts, she sounds fine to me but I’m no expert.
Some one up thread asked what is the point in a diagnosis. A diagnosis will get the child funding at school for extra help: such as 1 to1 teaching, aids such as transparent coloured overlays help with reading for children with Dyslexia, special pens for children with poor muscle control or strength to help them with writing, safe places for children overwhelmed or over stimulated with sensory overload.

She just sounds like she's a more introverted personality type and there's nothing wrong with that. Picky eating, hating hand dryers, those are just normal 3yo things, not necessarily indicative of any other condition.

I'd just tell them that no one has any concerns and to please stop mentioning it as you will be the judge of what she needs, not them. I'd find it hard to stay civil I think if they kept bringing it up after being asked not to.

How much of your youngest DDs behaviour is to do with spending so much time in lockdown over these last few years? Some sounds like it could be.

That’s sadly not true. Private settings are very reluctant to pursue a referral as they don’t get extra funding to cover a 1:1, so have to find it themselves.

Arrange to meet with them away from your DD. Tell them you have had proper professional advice which supports your view that she is fine; and that you will get assessments needed if any traits arise.

And above all else tell them that you are not prepared to accept any further comments along these lines either with just you parents there or within earshot of your child.

I guess we must assume that their comments are intended to be helpful. But that does not mean you cannot state your position clearly.

" We've thought about your suggestion, and disagree with your view of DC. No further action will be taken and that is the end of this conversation."

She has met almost all of her milestones and even surpassed many of them - her speech is brilliant, she's mostly potty trained, she knows her numbers up to 10, she has a fantastic imagination and role plays constantly, she can take turns and share, she is showing interest in playing with her peers, she has the emotional intelligence expected of a year old.*

⬆️ This describes my autistic daughter.

I know my daughter's autistic as I am and she's a mini me. I wouldn't get her assessed. The same manual used to diagnose autism as a medical condition was used to diagnose homosexuality as a mental disorder into the 1970s. Just like I don't believe being attracted to the same sex is a mental disorder, I do not believe that having sensory, social and communication needs that are in a minority means you're a natural way is automatically impaired or disordered.

For girls like ours there are often no advantages to an autism diagnosis but there are a lot of downsides. For example, some occupations will deem you unfit to work unless proven otherwise.

*The full quote was meant to be in bold

She is not having any significant difficulties or causing any, to anyone else but certain members of their family. I would suggest it is those people who need assessment, and perhaps therapy to make them more acceptable and less creepy and mean to small children.

I know my daughter's autistic as I am and she's a mini me. I wouldn't get her assessed. The same manual used to diagnose autism as a medical condition was used to diagnose homosexuality as a mental disorder into the 1970s.

It's changed a bit. For both autism and mental disorders. It's not the 'same manual'

My daughter was quiet, (she still is, like me), shy, didn’t speak to anyone she didn’t really know well, my brother once said ‘Can this little poppet talk? Yes, once she gets to know you.
Her 7 yr daughter is the same, hides her head behind her mums back until she’s ready to engage. Both NT.
Loud noises: A lots of kids and adults dislike loud noise, I’ve seen many a child cry at loud noise, I was one of them, loud noise and music stresses me out, it overwhelms me, to the point I cant speak.
Who is the person who shouts at her? This needs to be stopped, she sounds scared of them, hence the accidents.

Keep her away from the person who was cross with her for having an accident.

I can't believe the posters suggesting autism is on the cards. And I have a DD with autism. They must have read the in-laws list and taken it at face value.

It seems more likely she is picking up on tensions and odd treatment when she's with them.

I wouldn't want 'query autism diagnosis' on my child's notes unless I personally thought it necessary.