Inlaws think my 3yr old has ASD

[TheGreatBobinsky]

My inlaws keep insisting I get my DD(3) assessed for autism. They will not drop the subject despite me stating my many reasons against it. AIBU to be angry they won't leave it now.

My reasons are:

1. She's only just turned 3 years old. Even if she was showing traits, she wouldn't be assessed this young anyway.
2. She has met almost all of her milestones* and even surpassed many of them - her speech is brilliant, she's mostly potty trained, she knows her numbers up to 10, she has a fantastic imagination and role plays constantly, she can take turns and share, she is showing interest in playing with her peers, she has the emotional intelligence expected of a year old.
3. She hasn't got any of the traits listed on the diagnostic criteria.
4. Even if she did have traits, it's really unfair for them to keep saying it in front of her, especially when they are phrasing it as if there's something wrong with her which is insulting to people who are autistic.

The reasons they have given me for thinking this are:

1. She doesn't like certain members of the family. She refuses to talk much to these people.
2. She is very shy - she was only 6m old when lockdowns began, she's getting alot better with socialising but I don't think its surprising that she is shy.
3. She has a limited diet - she is extremely fussy and this is a concern but this alone doesn't scream ASD to me.
4. She's obsessed with her hands. She's not!
5. She can't jump with two feet off the ground. *this is the one milestone she hasn't reached.
6. She has accidents around one member of the family - who apparently tells her off if she has an accident 🙄

None of my health visitors, GPs, nursery staff (although they've only seen her at show around admittedly) or my own family - including two teachers (one of whom works in a SEN setting) think she shows any traits. I've tried being polite and shutting down this conversation but that's clearly not working.

The way things are said are implying that their is something wrong with her that needs to be fixed - she doesn't need fixing and even if she did have ASD she still wouldn't need fixing! What would you do in this situation?

Read the threads, or rather show pil them (although probable better to ignore pil) about the things toddlers get scared of/ angry about. My granddaughter wouldn't touch a broken biscuit till I persuaded her they are biscuit puzzles. She is shy until she feels she knows people. Yesterday she told me how her mum cuts her apple in half.. a big no no to her. Your daughter sounds like a sweet toddler and you should trust your parental instinct on this.

Haven't RTWT but, I think sometimes other people pick up on differences before those closest to the child. I remember bumping into an old work mate, I hadn't seen them for about 5 years and she told me that her son had been diagnosed with ASD. I last seen him when he was about 2 and I knew then that he was probably ASD, whereas his parents didn't suspect a thing, or if they did they never mentioned it.

Fast forward to now and my GS is on the pathway to diagnosis - he's our first GC, the centre of our family, I genuinely hadn't noticed his behaviour as relating to ASD at all. However, once he started school the teachers picked up on it immediately - he's now in a specialised school for kids with ASD. On his first day there his teacher said instantly 'yes, without doubt!' when my DD asked if she thought he had ASD. I was genuinely shocked. I think maybe because he's the baby of the family we've 'overlooked' a lot of his behaviours and put them down to his own unique little quirks. Now he's 5 and when I take him to the park it's really obvious when he's interacting with other kids.

Kids with ASD don't need to be 'fixed' but some do need more support. My GS couldn't cope with mainstream - he's thriving now he's swapped schools; they don't need fixing, but their environments may need to. I've worked as a support worker with people who are on the spectrum so I have seen most behaviours associated with ASD - I still didn't spot it in my GS, so although your ILs might be talking nonsense I'd keep an open mind.

My post does not suggest that no-one should pursue an autism diagnosis. I am saying that unless there are clear, obvious signs of autism, a diagnosis isn't worth it unless for medication needs. It doesn't change the person themselves. People are individuals, with different traits of personality.

And of course there are different levels of severity of autism - that's why it's called 'a spectrum.'

As another poster said, every little quirk of personality nowadays has to be 'diagnosed' as something.

'He looks at his hands - get him diagnosed.' 'He can't concentrate - get him diagnosed.' 'He won't sit still - get him diagnosed.' 'He doesn't like loud noises - get him diagnosed.' It really is becoming irritating.

She’s only a baby. It’s totally normal for kids to be fussy and shy at that age. If concerns are raised later by school/nursery you can act on them then. Many of the traits associated with ASD are entirely normal developmental stages that only become red flags if they persist beyond the “normal” period. If every kid who ticked a couple of the boxes was put on the waiting list for ASD referral “just in case” the system would implode.

It's not that easy to get an ASD assessment. There was a long waiting list before covid and its even longer now.
First there are forms you and the school/pre-school fill in. Then you get to see a paed (we saw a neuro), them there's loads more hoops to jump through before you get to the actual assessment.

It took 12 years to get my very obviously autistic son diagnosed.
But it can happen faster, due to being a preemie, with multiple issues including epilepsy and a relatively rare form of cerebral palsy and seeing a developmental paed from a couple weeks old, his older brother got the PDD-NOS (atypical autism) dx at 18 months. But he's much more at the severe end of the spectrum. 3 of my other children didn't get their dx until much older and I was 45.when I got mine.

It doesn't really sound like your child would hit the dx threshold though. Although talking early, toilet training etc are not indicators that someone is NT. I've been told I was toilet trained before 18months and was an early talking as was one of my older girls. We're still on the spectrum though. Girls do often present very differently to boys

Autism in girls/women is very often misdiagnosed as things like BPD, anxiety depression.
I was previously diagnosed as having social anxiety disorder, clinical depression, mood disorder. Nope I'm actually autistic and needed to understand why I'm like I am rather than being pumped full of drugs

You're right...my Dil had concerns about her DC from early school days but was always assured by teachers that DC was fine..roll on a few years and DC is definitely on the spectrum ..

Why don't you get her assessed...if it turns out she is on the spectrum, well then you can go from there and if she turns out not to be then you can let them know and leave it.

I have two dc with autism and there were most definitely very obvious signs at the ages of 2-3. However your daughter sounds absolutely fine.

Autism can present differently in girls. No harm in reading up and joining some fb groups to learn.

Diagnosis can be done young my son was diagnosed at 2.

I know several autistic girls who didn't have challenges till they were 8/9.

It doesn't sound like you need to pursue at this stage though.

Out of interest, what is your in laws knowledge of autism based on? Why do you think they are pushing this, what do they hope to achieve?

I would say - 'You need to stop this NOW. We do not wish to limit our contact with you but this is becoming unacceptable - we have told you what we think and will not discuss it with you further'. And then keep repeating, 'I/We will not be discussing this with you'. And stop being around them if they keep on.

Hand fans are noisy and at child head height I don’t think it’s strange for them to be scared of them, my 3 and 5 year old are and I’ve never considered they are autistic due to this. They don’t like loud drills, food processors either. Fussy eating….plenty of that too. I wouldn’t worry but I would worry about them having much contact with my child they sound awful!

I'd feel strongly enough to limit their access to your daughter if this continues.

I agree. She sounds normal but they don't, and being constantly scrutinized and assessed by weird relatives you don't like is not going to do any child much good.

You have exactly described my eldest other than he doesn’t actively dislike any members of the family but he certainly doesn’t like people he doesn’t see as often getting in his face and trying to force interaction.
I’ve got no concerns whatsoever, all children are different and develop in their own way. My MIL spent her working life as a specialist SEND teacher and she has no concerns either, if any of my children did ever need additional support we’d be on it in a flash. Tell your in-laws to pipe down

I just wanted to let you know regarding the jumping- my DD who turned 3 at the start of May has only just, within the last week, learnt how to jump! I was quite worried about it, plus she's generally behind her peers in gross motor (imo), so just in case you wanted any reassurance that there are other 3 year olds that can't jump!

ASD is hereditary so you in laws will have lots experience with it . So listen to them .

What the hell?

It can be genetic. It's not always genetic. Even if there is a generic link why do you think it is to the in laws?

They don't have anyone in the family who has been diagnosed with ASD

She could be assessed now, most areas will assess from age 2. But if your not concerned I'd just ask them to stop mentioning it. She what nursery thinks when she starts.

Because if the inlaws have it their family they will know the signs .
If it in OP famliy I assuming she would not posted this but just got her child assessed .

Why on earth would you get a just turned 3 year old assessed for autism because she is shy and a fussy eater? Some of the responses on this thread are crazy. The NHS is stretched enough without wasting people’s time with this.

There is nothing on your list to 'keep an eye on' as other posters have said.
Three year olds are more than entitled to pick and choose who they speak to and she will gel with some people and not others.

People are absolutely obsessed with autism on this website, its quite unhealthy. There is a need pathologise normal, developmental behaviour.

Should your HV and nursery or GP or you yourself OP start to notice other things occuring or have concerns, then you can start to have those conversations with the HV

As for your husbands suggestion of an assessment, the problem with that is that you would be taking away a resource for someone else who's child may well need an assessment and yours at face value doesnt seem to need one, in addition I doubt she would pass the screening tools.

Unless you went private of course.

Well, there are a couple of signs but you would need enough to be able to get a referral. And you would need to be supportive of this. If you can't see anything wrong it's not going to fly anyway.

You are looking for sensory signs: either seeking or avoiding or a mixture of both. (Finger wriggling and noises)

Routine: fixed Inthe way she does things

Social and communication

Have you read up on autism in women?

Did she gesture to be picked up as a baby?

Did she point to things?

Did she wave goodbye?

It could be that she is autistic, you both are,or neither of you are. Time will tell.

Harder to spot I think when a parent is autistic as the environment is probably better adapted to an autistic child. (That's just a random thought not a comment on you particularly) (more we missed dd as her brother was clearly autistic)

Oh you said it better than me!

Exactly