Inlaws think my 3yr old has ASD

[TheGreatBobinsky]

My inlaws keep insisting I get my DD(3) assessed for autism. They will not drop the subject despite me stating my many reasons against it. AIBU to be angry they won't leave it now.

My reasons are:

1. She's only just turned 3 years old. Even if she was showing traits, she wouldn't be assessed this young anyway.
2. She has met almost all of her milestones* and even surpassed many of them - her speech is brilliant, she's mostly potty trained, she knows her numbers up to 10, she has a fantastic imagination and role plays constantly, she can take turns and share, she is showing interest in playing with her peers, she has the emotional intelligence expected of a year old.
3. She hasn't got any of the traits listed on the diagnostic criteria.
4. Even if she did have traits, it's really unfair for them to keep saying it in front of her, especially when they are phrasing it as if there's something wrong with her which is insulting to people who are autistic.

The reasons they have given me for thinking this are:

1. She doesn't like certain members of the family. She refuses to talk much to these people.
2. She is very shy - she was only 6m old when lockdowns began, she's getting alot better with socialising but I don't think its surprising that she is shy.
3. She has a limited diet - she is extremely fussy and this is a concern but this alone doesn't scream ASD to me.
4. She's obsessed with her hands. She's not!
5. She can't jump with two feet off the ground. *this is the one milestone she hasn't reached.
6. She has accidents around one member of the family - who apparently tells her off if she has an accident 🙄

None of my health visitors, GPs, nursery staff (although they've only seen her at show around admittedly) or my own family - including two teachers (one of whom works in a SEN setting) think she shows any traits. I've tried being polite and shutting down this conversation but that's clearly not working.

The way things are said are implying that their is something wrong with her that needs to be fixed - she doesn't need fixing and even if she did have ASD she still wouldn't need fixing! What would you do in this situation?

I would shut them down but also keep a quiet eye on DD. It can present very subtly and differently in girls, and be well masked until the wheels come off when expectations begin to ramp up in later Primary and then Secondary school.
After years of knowing my 8yo DD is a bit quirky but nothing quite 'fitting' an obvious pattern of behaviour, the differences are now really beginning to show and cause difficulties. Because she also met all milestones, communicates well, does academically 'well enough', and isn't disruptive it has been impossible to get onto NHS waiting lists that are collapsing under the weight of children with very obvious SEN and behavioural issues, despite her school's support. We have paid for a private ADHD assessment (which she's finally having later this week!) as that is what her behaviour is indicating, but after reading all the pre-assessment forms the doctor rang us to request if she can also assess for autism at the same time. Even we hadn't considered this as a possibility, as although there is some crossover of behaviour, she isn't showing any more obvious autistic traits. It isn't always 'in your face', sometimes it's a collection of smaller quirks especially when young.

Not liking loud noises/ some of the other traits are extremely common in NT children.

i wouldn’t worry op.
stop being polite. A simple ‘you’ve said this multiple times, I have heard you, kindly- this is none of your business and is not up for discussion’ is all that’s needed.

Does she go to nursery op? she should definitely go for her 15 hours if not.
Staff would pick up on anything really quickly.

Be less polite or try and see them less.

You could point out who spoke to professionals and looked at diagnostic criteria and see no concerns indicating this and then just refuse to entertain and turn it back on them - why do they keep raising this - what is their issue.

under 3 is an excellent age to aim for diagnosis.
help can be achieved much earlier.

keep an open mind
i dont blame you for benig against this, particularly when in laws suggest it but it can't hurt.

can you avoid these family members?

girls mask, they try and fit in
it requires a professional diagnosis,

She'll be starting nursery in September

She sounds almost identical to my 2 nieces when they were 3 and very similar to some aspects of my son. None of these DC have ASD (although still very fussy with food in the case of my nieces!). I think your in laws really need to be shut down now with a firm "no professionals involved in DD's care have any concerns about ASD so we will not be getting her assessed. Please don't mention it again". Then if they talk about it again just completely ignore and change the subject or say "We've asked you not to mention this'. What does your DH say? Really its for him to deal with his family.

just keep an open mind and ask the nursery their opinion once she has been there for a term.

Is there anyone else in the family who is autistic? Are there other grandchildren they are comparing her to?

You can tell them you have noted their concerns, but if they continue to go on (especially in her presence) I would be limiting contact (especially with the person who doesn’t treat her kindly when she has an accident)

Your in-laws are pricks. Don’t be polite. “It’s none of your business fuck off.” Many children have some traits that could be seen as being part of ASD but a) it’s a spectrum so it varies and b) NT toddlers can grow out of these behaviours.

I am autistic and have an autistic child. That list does not raise concerns about a 3 year old.

They sound like a nightmare and definitely not good people for your DD to be around, or for you. Can you stop or limit contact with these people?

@TheGreatBobinsky

I think with the group of behaviours you've listed there I would be keeping a very close eye, asking nursery to observe and contacting the health visitor.

Individually the behaviours are ok but when you group them together like your list, you have more than a few traits of autism.

My dd is the same age and does everything your dd does (and a few more) and is being assessed for autism. My daughter can blend in because she copies other children. She's also creative but when I was watching her creativeness, it was repetitive and most of it was something she had seen on tv or heard us or her older sibling say to her so limited creativity.

Your in laws won't be saying this just to annoy you. Early intervention is the best thing for kids.

My son was much older when he was diagnosed and I wished someone, anyone would have listened to my concerns instead of him struggling through nursery and school before he was finally diagnosed and given the correct support.

And re: limited diet, try not to worry about that. One of my DC (who isn’t autistic) barely ate anything as a toddler. We saw a paediatrician once who told me that his son only ate sausages for years and not to pay any attention to it 😁

Another DC still has a very limited beige diet (as I did as a child). She is definitely not autistic and has no SEN. It’s just how she is.

I give her multivitamins, offer a range of food and nice fruit and let her get on with it. If she chooses to eat weetabix while we eat dinner, no big deal. I experienced enough cajoling/forcing as a child to know it makes no difference ( apart from adding on stress and guilt). In my late teens my preferences changed and I eat everything now. It’s no big deal.

As it happens, my autistic child doesn’t have issues around food - she eats most things!

I have BPD, chronic depression and anxiety so that presents with a lot of the same traits as autism, but I've never been assessed for that and when I asked my GP was told that it's likely just the BPD.

There are other grandchildren, including my elder DD that they are comparing her too but I just think my 3 year old has a quiter personality than her sister and cousins.

Girls do mask and they do it from an incredibly early age. There are a couple of things in there that would suggest to me that you keep a watchful eye on her - but honest to god, doesn't every involved and loving parent keep a watchful eye on their kid's development!

In my area you wouldn't get an assessment. I think the pp suggestion of giving it a term then checking in with nursery is excellent because they will see such a wide range of DCs.

As for your in-laws... I think your attitude to autism is perfect. It isn't something to be fixed. I don't think they share that attitude though which means that they're really not being kind to their grandchild. Time to get the mummy tiger out and just shut that shit down ' We have heard your concerns, and don't want to discuss it further.' Every time. Until 'we have repeatedly told you we don't want to discuss this further, if you persist on bringing this up when we see you we are going to severely limit our time with you.'

You cannot let your DC spend time with people who think she is broken and needs fixing - and I speak as the parent of a DC with autism who struggles terribly in life.

If that were always true DS would have been assessed years ago rather than just being referred recently at 9 and now we have a 26mth wait.

profesionals know more and more about autism now and i am pretty sure it is common to have a genetic component of parents with BPD,/anxiety or at least i am sure it is relevant.

nursery staff should know more about autism now than they did even 5 years ago

I wish you were my mother in law! My son was the same with loud noises but ex mother in law was like OP's and kept banging on about trying to get a diagnosis.. I said the same that he'll be the same amazing child with or without one and he doesn't need any medication!

I see nothing that suggests the OP won't be keeping a close eye on her DD going forward and re-assessing the situation all the time.

She just needs the grandparents to stop brining it up all the time .

OP just have to tell them to stop and try and stop all the comparisons - though that can be hard as my IL also compared our older two - and made no allowance that middle child was two years younger than eldest - that's partly as second child is grandson and they weren't as keen - we've stepped in every times and sometime been very blunt. At least the kids are aware this is a GP issue and nothing to do with them.

@Aquilegia23

As an adult with ASD i can tell you that diagnosis benefits everyone, not having that understanding about yourself or from those around you can have devastating consequences to your mental well-being and gives you added protections by law. I do not know a single person that regrets getting one. But as know several who wish they had been diagnosed as children but weren't as their parents didn't want to 'label' them.

And although I don't think you meant to, your post actually advocates for nobody to get an autism diagnosis. There is no 'severity' of autism that can be medicated for, it's not an illness.

I don't see anything here for concern. And I have an autistic nephew so have some experience with asd children.

At 3 my son also hated hand dryers. He would go nuts and screamed and cried. 6 months later and he thinks they're funny. He grew out of it.

Some kids are fussy with food, some are shy. Doesn't mean they have asd.

If you have no concerns and neither do any HV's, nursery etc then just ignore your inlaws.

Honestly I don't see anything there to be concerned about.

This ^