To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

Kids take so much space and energy. They're not doing it on purpose. They just have a lot on their plate. I think try and help them and they'll remember. You might be in that position some day, everyone needs help sometimes even if it's not about children. I'd keep that in mind and try and focus on yourself too so you don't become depleated.

My take on this is, until you're a parent you'll never understand how tedious this job can be especially the early years. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

If you can't handle it then find some friends like yourself who don't have kids. You have a right to be friends with whoever you want to be friends with.

But friendships require effort on both sides, so yes a degree of prioritisation is required for it to work out long term.

Of course there are people out there who are so lonely that they'll take the scraps of time with friends instead of sacking them all off, but the OP doesn't seem to be in this boat.

People without children don't really want to hang around with their friends children all the time, conversation is a bit weak during those interactions for obvious reasons.

That's total rubbish. As evidenced by this thread and the total lack of empathy shown to the OP.

People with kids just become more selfish and more self involved. They just incorporate their kids into it and expect the world to revolve around them and the kids.

Gosh, some of the people without children around this thread, including the OP, are really self-absorbed. If you want to make new friendship groups, or see less of people, great, have at it. But whinge like a two year old because the world doesn't revolve around you?

But that’s completely unreasonable OP. What do you expect, that your friends will leave their children home to come and see you for what?

You need to get some perspective! You’re not being a good friend to these people. They need support in the early years of child raising. Are you aware of that?

If that's the case then call me selfish. Everything does revolve around my children. I cancel plans at the slightest inconvenience to my children. Sorry not sorry.

Maybe they just don't want to meet up with you that often so use the kids as an excuse. Judging from the way you word your posts I can see why.

I can see both sides. When friends have kids both of you are forced to compromise on your friendship, even though it was only their decision to change it.

My stance is: last-minute meetups are a thing of the past. Forget about that. But if you arrange something well in advance and they keep flaking out, you're allowed to feel aggrieved. And you should actively ultivate friendships with non-parents anyway.

*cultivate

For all the people who are suggesting evenings: she has tried evenings. Her friends say no. She then tries weekend days. Her friends say no.

What exactly is she supposed to do?

@LuckySantangelo35 Thing is lots of mums can look like a martyr from the outside even if they aren't.

Every single one of my weekends is filled up for the next 6 months or more. I see friends, family, do housework, run errands, have alone time doing my hobbies, spend time with the children, spend time with my partner etc etc.

Let's say I have 3 'proper' friends (which is how many I'd say I have). If I see each one every 6 weeks (to allow me to do all the other stuff listed above), then individually I'd only see each friend every 18 weeks if they're on rotation. That's already not very regular. Then let's say one of my friends gets unlucky and I've had less than 6hrs sleep two nights in a row so I'm knackered. And the baby reckons he only needs 8 hours sleep in total so was up till 10.30 pm filling my entire evening. And DH can't help cause we've just potty trained the toddler and he woke up in the middle of the night with a night terror due to needing to wee so DH was preoccupied handling that. Then let's say I cancel on one of my friends who I was going to see... now I don't see them for 36 weeks - 6 months! I must not care right? I must be a total martyr who's putting everyone else first... When in reality it's just that parenting can be really rubbish at times.

ps. The above is actually my reality from the past couple of nights, this heat is making things immeasurably harder.

There's always something that can come up though, and if you miss that one slot to see your friend it really is common that it ends up being 6 months or more until you get another chance. From an individual's perspective, it could definitely look like I don't care. This is one of the reasons I prefer to put more time into friendships with other parents, cause they often understand and they know as the kids get older you'll have more time to spend together.

Do you also ask your friends in wheelchairs to climb stairs and your recovering alcoholic friends to hang out in pubs?

You are so out of touch with reality it is hilarious.

Of course your friends can't just 'without difficulty' abandon the tiny humans who depend on them for everything so they can give sole attention to a needy fully grown adult who has yet to grow up, its called responsability and most mature grown ups have it.

Trying to sort childcare is hardwork that requires other people willingly helping and not backing out (dont even both suggesting leaving their most precious thing with a random neighbors kid for a few quid) and is not so abundant it can be abused regularly so they can party with you (most mothers barely have time to shower never mind use their precious alone time to host friends who feel entitled to time) thats just a fact.

Your not young teens anymore, its litrally not about you and a carefree life anymore.

You can end a friendship anytime if you've developed different priorities in life. It happens, nothing wrong with it. But ......best frienships are the ones that are always going to be there through thick and thin and last a lifetime

Riiiiiight ok except what you really mean is that friends without kids must accept being forgotten and ignored because ooh precious kiddies. You want them to stick around for YOU though, "through thick and thin", so that you can pick them back up when Hugo goes off to uni and you're bored. Selfish or what.

I have kids and have made a lot of effort with non kid friends to maintain those friendships. However recently I'm realising it's not reciprocated and I find the self absorption and princessy behaviour of a couple of my child free friends hard to deal with. One friend was seeing a bloke with kids for a while and she had a few tantrums about why she wasn't his first priority. I had to explain she never would be, his children will and should always come first. She couldn't handle it and ended it.

A couple of child free friends refuse to plan, it's all about "what they feel like at the time", sorry but with kids you need to plan especially if there are childcare issues to deal with! It goes both ways.

@mam0918 wowzers.

Did you miss the fact all these friends had perfectly capably partners, or do you only think women are able to care for their children?

Sorry that should say: *36 weeks - more than 6 months!

I don't understand why you need to do "interesting" things with friends. Perhaps I'm just lucky that my friends are interesting and funny enough people that sitting for a chat is always fun.

I also think that when you say you only ask to see them at the weekend once every two months or so. Have you considered that there are probably lots of people who want to see them every two months or so? Ever since my baby was born, almost every single weekend day has been fully booked by friends and family. It's a little exhausting but we do it because they're important to us and they all are happy for us to have the baby (in fact that's who they want to see!) around them so it's easy. If someone wanted us to get someone to baby sit just for a random afternoon meet up that would definitely be a no, to be honest.

What a stupid comment. Most parents are not on £100k a year. You sound like a stroppy teenager. Get over yourself!

I get it OP. One of my friends was the same. Can’t go anywhere without DC, even when it’s somewhere really not suitable/appropriate or would be boring for a kid. We don’t really speak now. Expected me to prioritise my plans around hers if we met up but I never got the same in return. Has a very involved DH so that’s not the reason.

If you live near Greater Manchester I’ll go out for lunch or a drink with you!

Do you have children?

Not because they didn’t care, but because they just didn’t have time and emotional energy left over after work and parenting for anything else.

This is crucial. The emotional and physical energy we women spend on our kids often don't leave much for everyone else.

Not all friends will understand or want to be down the priority list to children. I don't think there is good answer for all, it depends on the person.

@AppleIsMyName

do you really?

what do you class as the slightest Inconvenience?

so for example if you’d arranged to meet your friends in town and your child said “oh no mummy, I don’t want you to go! Please can you stay home and take me to the park instead” would you ditch your pals?

Or if your kid wanted you to drive them somewhere when they could just as easily get the bus would you cancel?

do you think it’s really good for your kids to be getting this message that the world revolves them? You are maintaining this for them but others won’t and they’ll get a rude awakening!

you really need to be careful cos your kids won’t be kids forever and then when will you be? Lonely and friendless. Your friends will get sick of you cancelling all the time for not much reason at all .

Do you also ask your friends in wheelchairs to climb stairs and your recovering alcoholic friends to hang out in pubs?

Did you really just compare the lifestyle choice of having children, with being disabled? I'm embarrassed for you 😳

@AppleIsMyName then don't expect to have many good friends left with such an attitude.

It's no surprise that there are many posts on here from women lonely with no friends once their kids hit primary school. Friendship is 2 sided, many when having kids forget that part